gayNwyo

I had a dream about you last night, my long lost dear and sweetest love. You died several Christmas Eve's ago. They say it was an accident, but my heart knew better. You'd finally succeeded at ending your own life, as you had tried so many times before. I know, you had gone long and far away, into the afterlife where you hopefully found peace, alongside your mother. You were beautiful and your face shined so bright, when I saw you that night. Death had not changed your sweet spirit or your raw and edgy beauty. Your death made you changeless. You hadn't grown older. It was I who had grown older, and stranger, more bitter and cold. You had come into my dreams to remind me of the man I had once been. The man who once loved you as no other man could or would in your mortal life. I asked you how you had been since I had seen you last, so many years before. You smiled your sweet and infectious smile and laughed tenderly before you replied. You said you had been laying in the swee...

 "I think what you did was brave Ryan. That took some real guts. Standing up to those grocery store bullies like you did. Not everyone could do that. They are two old, miserable men who only want to intimidate and power play people. You wanted to change things here, but I told you on day one, nothing around here is going to change. People here only care about themselves and how other's view them. If you threaten that, they'll bring you down..."

2-13-97 Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm just peachy, as usual. I'm sorry your friends don't like me, but I have had bad experiences with all of them. Get me? At lunch you said that you wanted to know what I want from you. Well, I already got it, meaning that what I wanted was for you to admit that you thought there could be more between us. Plus, almost kissing you was great. Speech is cool, and ya I'm gonna stay in it. I'm not going this weekend cause when you told me you weren't gonna go, I told my parents I wasn't and they planned for me to pick up my car instead. Well, good luck and all that good stuff. The Elephant Man is a good piece. You should do it. About Rita, you love her so very much. Don't fight it. She ruined you for all the other girls anyways.  I'll give you your Valentine on Tuesday, unless I come to school early tomorrow. -K- I've gotta go. !Hasta!               Love ya,            ...

  Katie is leaving for Utah tomorrow. Then she flies to Florida on the eighth. Odd. We had dinner with Cameron at the Golden Corral last night. Gorged ourselves. I noticed how much I found irritating about her behavior. And how differently she behaves when she's around other people. And, more than anything, how well I really don't know her. We, or at least I, knew that we were an odd match to begin with. Everybody always told us how good we were together, and what a good couple we were. I see it, but not as much as I want to. I suppose I hold Rita up still, as the supreme example of what I want in a partner. But really, she wasn't good for me at all. Katie is a much better person, in so many different ways. But our relationship is about played out. So, now whatever way our stories end...

Someone came by today who reminded me of you. He had that same sad and wanting, yet unthreatening look in his eyes. He was tender and solemn and subtly direct. I couldn't look him in the eyes for too long. He made me miss you. I miss you. Sometimes I find myself thinking of you. Mostly in the mornings. Of how it felt just to be with you. No words. No activity. Just us. Alone. I miss that. You may not relate, and you may not remember, but I do. I remember you. The silence we shared by the riverside. The gaze that we held through the firelight. The curious glances we broke too soon. The fear and the heat when we stood too close. Wondering. Guessing. Wanting more. Or was that simply my overactive imagination? Was there more to be had, or are some things better left unpursued? Forsaken. Undone. I'll be left with those questions. 

It was evening, the last light of the day had cast a rich red sunset over the valley. There was a peace in the house that he hadn't felt since he had returned from rehab. He was sober, more sober than he had been in several months. His head wasn't clear yet, and the world he used to know outside wasn't worth returning to. He couldn't form a thought and words failed him when he tried. His only real comfort was the darkness under the covers at night, when all was still and quiet and no one was making a sound.  She burst through the door, ever the determined actress, playing a scene as if she was summoned there by the Queen of England for a command performance. She wasn't going to go down without having her feelings heard, and she chose his parent's home as her stage. Her boot heels tapped on the hardwoods as she threw an adorable hissy fit, thrusting hips and snapping neck and pursed lips. Her Disney brown eyes cast her sights on the staircase to the basement. Whe...

 Macy, I have to end this friendship. If you can even call it that. I've told you why. I don't need you or your behavior in my life. You have upset me time and time again. And I'm sure I've done the same to you. So let's agree not to do it anymore. I guess you thought that simply because you moved back here that you could once again come back into my life. How many times have you called me in the past month? Did I answer? How many times have you knocked on my door? Did I answer? And how many times have you thought about me? Count them up and I'm sure they will all add up to one disturbing thing... Obsession. That scares me. I cannot deal with the everyday drama of you. It doesn't do either of us any good whatsoever. I don't think you realize how insane your behavior is and how much I really do not need it, or you, in my life. Please leave me alone.  Period. End of story. Ryan 

 Ryan, I just realized that when I give this to you it will most likely be the last time I see you, so this poem I write should explain and say everything I have wanted to say for a long time. Shadows of darkness fall upon the day. Time slips through the flesh-colored fingers. Words that could never express float through the air. Within reach. Time steals one's very soul and twists it into ribbons of truth. So close, but never to know. The casting light grows dim. It's never too late. ~ Jill Maulik   1998 Wherever life may lead you, may you go with a song in your heart! Keep on truckin' So, you've graduated, and I'm, like, all "new hat size for the mondo brain." You must know, like, everything! I'm really proud of your accomplishments, but I would advise against too many pictures in the cap and gown -- cardboard and polyester is SO "not you"! Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! I Love You! You'll always be one of my best friends. Ji...

January 13, 1997 Ryan, This is the second time that I'm writing this crap so just deal with it if I have an attitude. -k- I don't remember all that I told you, so I'll just tell you now how I feel. -k- I really, really like you. You are smart, funny and talented. But it doesn't matter how I feel, no matter how much I like you or care about you, I know, cause you told me, we could never be more than friends. You need someone smart and peppy, pretty and fun. Someone not at all like me. I still remember the day Betsy told me that she thought you liked me. I felt like the luckiest girl in school. I remember Rita's birthday when you told me how much you missed her, and how stupid I felt when I told you to go back out with her. You were the first guy I trusted after Bobby, you helped me a lot. The truth is, if you were to ever show any interest in me, I would dump whoever I was with in a heartbeat for you. The past couple months, since I have known you, I have wanted to b...

  Ryan, I can't believe you! I trusted you to keep our problems to ourselves. You always make such a big deal about how you want Sonny and me to stay together, and then you go and let the girl with the biggest mouth in school read notes that are only our business. I hope you're happy, now things are screwed up with Sonny. So if you wanted me out of your life, I hope you're happy. You succeeded!

 "I'm going to venture to say that tied up at the end of all your neurotic diagnoses, namely bipolar, obsessive compulsive, anxiety, depression and nymphomania, there simply must be some PTSD..." "Yes, you'd be correct, Doctor Dorothy."

 Ryan, You asked me once, "Why do people love me?" I'll tell you why... Your energy is what makes people fall in love with you. It's how you make them feel. It is not your body, your money or your looks that make you magnetic. What makes you unforgettable is how you transform the hearts of people around you with your simple presence. That is your energy, that is your power, and that is why people love you. Jessica,     the girl who deserves a chance...

 Dear Ryan,  You're delightful and a real treat to be around, a regular jack who's so down to earth. What you see is what you get with you. No pretenses, no false fronts, no ulterior motives or ill intentions. You're one to say what you're thinking with your eyes, you can never hide behind lies, and your sighs give you away. Although you're an exceptional actor, you shed those roles only to recreate yourself whenever you feel you need to. I suspect you've got some secrets and perhaps you very well could be a demon in disguise. But I seriously doubt the dark side of you isn't just as beautiful as the light side. You're no one's fool and you're fooling no one. You've simply got to walk in any room and your energy speaks for itself. You're one of a kind, and don't tell anyone, but I think my heart might become rather fond of you. Your co-star and backstage stooge, Jonah D.

 "They are saying something is coming. It will be here in late May. It will come from the sky and it will silence communications around the globe. No person or place will not be touched. A strange new illness will appear making the last great flu look like a cake walk. And our illustrious orange Clown in Chief will declare a war upon the entire world..."

Through no fault of his own there were just some things he could not emotionally grasp. When he felt a particular emotion that he found unpleasant it generally manifested as anxiety. If, with the emphasis on if, he let himself sit with the emotion for long enough he would figure it out sooner or later. Usually later. It took him six weeks to understand a feeling he was having in his heart. It was a breaking, soon to be broken heart. He experienced the physical pain, describing it as his heart being run through a table saw. Jagged, raw and festering he let that pain carry on in there, creating an anxiety state that was too extreme for him to navigate. He emotionally checked out as a result. He wasn't a creature that operated based on emotion, he was an intelligent and logical person. His mind got the better of him and it shut his heart down and out. I'd like to believe his condition was to blame, it makes it easier to understand. He was a man on the spectrum on a mission where r...

  SANDI, Your grumpy ass didn't seem to want to function at four in the afternoon, you lazy piece of junk!!! My sister's birthday party is at five, so that's where I'll be til around seven, seven-thirty. Jess Huh called from Lander, she'll call back later. She's gonna go to the derby at the fairgrounds, and was wondering what we were going to do... There's warm chicken!!! in the oven & rolls too. EAT UP! Later HOOCH!!! Luv,  RYAN P.S. Close my blinds at six or before you leave... Thanks!

Ryan, Hope you had a peaceful afternoon.  I love you more today, because you shared your thoughts with me. I am here. I will always be here for you. I am proud of you. You are a strong man with an incredible understanding of what makes your life better.  I love you, Your Tom Cat

Ryan,  I found this mantra, actually it found me. I was thinking of what I could do to help you and my phone dinged and this came up. It is a Buddhist mantra to help find inner peace, strength and harmony.  I am not my thoughts. I am the silence beneath them. Everything I need already lives within me. Today I choose presence over pressure. I am letting go of doubt so life can flow. I release the need to control. I hope it helps. I don't know what else I can do, but to love you with all my heart and soul.  Tommy

  Dear Ryan,  I want you to know that I see you. I see the pain you've carried when no one was there to support you. I see the confusion, the moments when you felt small and alone, wishing someone would just hear you. You were so brave, even when everything felt like it was falling apart. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you back then. I was young, afraid and vulnerable. I didn't know how to be the strength you needed. But now, I want you to know that I see you, truly see you. I honor every part of you, even the parts that you thought were too broken to be loved. You were always worthy of love, even when it felt like the world didn't care. I know you wanted to be heard, to be loved for who you truly are. I want you to heal and to become everything you always wanted to be, before the world became so cold and dimmed that little spark in you, the one that wanted to be your true self. That spark is still there, and I want you to dream again, to feel that hope and excitem...

"You've done so much inner work, Ryan. You should be proud of the way you've healed the layers of your trauma. The world doesn't know all you've faced in silence. They don't know the tears you've cried in the name of facing your shadows and the forgiveness that pours from your heart from all you've been through. There's one thing left to do as you close out this cycle for good. It's time to forgive yourself. The person you were that felt like you deserved what you went through.  The person that you were that aligned with the pain. That's not who you are anymore.  It's time to fully forgive yourself and step forward in your truth and authenticity..."

  "Hey Ryan. Check out that ass at the end of the aisle... I'd love to suck a turd out of that sweet ass. Then smear it all over my face. Then I'd wait for it to dry and then chop it up with a razor blade and snort it... The trick is waiting for it to dry..."

  I was raised to believe that if I lived like they lived and believed everything they did, played pretend as if I was as perfect as perfect could be, that someday I could become a God.  I found the concept confusing and the ideal impossible to understand. I was far from perfect, I fell short of that every single day, and the expectations of perfection always left me feeling less than and never enough.  Thou shalt have no other Gods before me. Yet, someday in the far distant eternities, if I was perfect enough, I'd be a God. With my own worlds and people's to create, destroy and judge. With an eternal Mother God by my side. What a tremendous idea, the ultimate of all aspirations, the grandest happily ever after fairy tale come true, to be a God. Not The God, but a god, with or without a capital g, G... Gee! How can that not psychologically fuck with a human mind? Humans were created to be humans, beautiful perfections and ugly imperfections. Humans make mistakes, and they...

"Once my heart got too heavy with pain, I couldn't cry. I just turned silent, completely silent..." "There is a phase in a narcissistic relationship where you don't cry anymore. You go numb and feel nothing at all..."

"I've lost so much on this trail we call life, Doctor Dorothy. I know we are all born to die and that sooner or later everything you own and everyone you ever love will be taken from you, because that's just the way the world is and how people are, blah blah blah...  But damn it to fuck, I've lost too much already and I cannot stand to lose anymore. I've lost people that I love, not from death, but from distance and indifference, debilitating and devastating. I felt I had to lose it all or abandon myself in the process, for you see, being myself has caused me to lose those that I love..."  "Ryan, I understand. The first thing you must remember is that nothing meant to be in your life will ever require you to abandon yourself to keep it. Let go of what wants to fall. For if you cling to it, it will pull you down when it falls. We are not all born to win, some of us lose, and losing someone because of who you are is much better than losing yourself to someo...

 "I'm always longing to go home, to a home I've never been before. One where I feel safe, a place I feel I truly belong. I'm searching for that home, inside my own mind and body. It must be buried somewhere in there, under all of the wreckage..."

There is a sickness that pulses through my blood, an undeniable piece of my essence, one that I have come to embrace rather than reject. It envelopes me in an engulfing shroud, indulging my imagination with fresh, unadulterated desire, insisting that I take roads in my soul that haven't been mapped. I must answer my shadows that fall behind me, they want answers, even though I have built impenetrable castles crafted to escape the harsh judgments of the world outside. There I created a safe space and sanctuary, a place where serenity dwells among chaos. Inside these fortress walls I have conjured a world for my angels and demons, real and imaginary, to exist without restraint and tickle their own fancies.  This land of play that I have nurtured is not just any place, it's an environment overflowing with the raw and the forbidden. Here is where I have all the power, all the moves, all the words that whisper are at my command. In this land all my deepest and darkest fantasies can ...

    Heros: Artus Funk Clint Duffy Fabian Blunt Chester Hype Darius Trent  Ryan Jester  Titus Johns  Brint Good    Villains: Arius Clout Chris Hadner Fred Decker Gary Shaff Devon Martin Trevor Weaver Jonas Dixson Keller Wallace 

 Then he stopped short of gushing on and on about how well he was disliked because he was so darn popular.  "Listen," I said to him, "here's one more person you can add to your list..." Then his jaw dropped, his eyes pierced and the blood vessel on his left temple engorged. "Thank God I didn't stick my dick in that!!" And by "that" he meant, me.

RyRy, Hey don't forget we have that thing out @ Delmona's church. Please stay here, I'll be back to get you @ 5:30. Please be here so I know what's going on. Love you Love Sandi  4:40 

 RyRy, hey I guess you really don't want to talk to me so I guess I must have done something wrong! to really upset you. I heard it is cause I talk too much about God. But how couldn't I? God saved me and I thought as my best friend you would understand. If that is true I feel like you are making me pick between our friendship and God, and if that is what you are trying to do, I'm not going to lie. I will go with God! Please read Psalms 28. "The Lord is my strength..." I was weak, now I'm strong and I can't hide it! I would love to see God's light in everyone I know! I didn't want to lose a friend over this decision in my life cause I lost my family and some of my friends. But you were the one I never thought would leave me. I never thought I would be standing with God alone! Ryan, please open your heart! Please don't shut the door to God. You can shut it to me, just not to God. Read the Holy Bible for it is how God talks to you! And once again...

  Ryan, I'm so sorry about yesterday, I don't know what has been wrong with me. I have so many emotions running through me, some of the thoughts running through my head I want out and to be able to say what I'm thinking. But I don't know how to put it into words. I'm trying really hard...If I could I would stop what I'm feeling and push them aside, but I can't! I have been trying, I just don't know. I was told my whole life not to show my emotions and not to talk about them and I'm trying to get past that. But Ryan, it's hard and I hope you can and will be patient with me cause I treasure what we have, or had. I don't want you to think you have to take sides... cause you don't have to. I just need time and I will try to make it go as fast as I can ok. Ryan I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sooo sorry! I hope you can forgive me and I hope you understand what I have tried to tell you once again. I'm sorry. Love you, Love, Sandi Lyn ...

His nightmares and waking screams that always followed had returned. Sleeping sober through the night had not been something he had done for quite some time. His mind was raw and vulnerable and the emotions he had repressed with substances were returning with a vengeance.  The edge of sleep was where all the demons were lurking, waiting for his fragile mind to be open enough to let them back in. Demons he had once nurtured and empowered were there in the dark, taunting and haunting him. Demons who knew they had power over him only in the intoxicated state he had so frequently been in. But not anymore. Now that his body and mind were entering fresh sobriety, that's when the demons started to fear the power he had reclaimed. Power to confront, disarm and destroy them all, one by one. 

Ryan, We went to JB's to have coffee. We will be back around 9:00. Call Sandi's phone if you need anything. We left this ---> phone on the table if you need to use it. 851-6535 Joy & Sandi 

RyRy, Hey I need the 30 dollars for bills. Please give it to Heidi or drop it off at my house. You know how to find me! Please let me know how you are! I'm sorry, what more do you want?! Please get me the money before the first, if you can't please let me know! SANDI 

  to RyRy A friend is your biggest fan! that's me Love Sandi Cheeks!

"The moment I realized I was the main character in my own story and not a supporting role in someone else's, that's when everything changed. This was my part, this was my role, this was my goddamned movie and I wrote this shit. Then came the plot twist, I had to own that, I had to play that guy, come the next ugly scene or whatever..." "We're all trapped in the circus of our own thinking, Ryan. When we believe our concepts, we're sitting there clapping at a show we're staging ourselves, but we've forgotten we're the director, the actor, and the only sad spectator watching the movie. Everyone else is usually too wrapped up in their own production to really care about being a part of anyone else's..."

"Ryan, you need a haircut. You look like an unkempt, lost hillbilly..." "Oh, so you want me to get a Mormon military haircut so I fit in with the rest of you boys...?? Not gonna happen...!"

  RyRy Hey love pickel. Do you want a pickel? I'm up @ Heidi's and I want to treat you two to a pickel. So if you want that pickel, don't be a nickel, so cum! up and see us even if you don't want the pickel, so we can go get our pickle's ok. Ruf Yu Ruf Sandi Cheek's

He gazes into the mirror, but the mirror won't return the scene. Too many faces, too many masks, none of them fresh or for real, too many versions. The paint on the walls around him is peeling like it can't stand to watch. He's frozen in fright at his own sad pose and posture. He's waiting to move but cannot. He's trapped in the mirror again.

"I feel like dog shit frozen over in hell Ryan. I have to go home for the day, I'm sick. I've been spewing from both ends..." "Well, I don't know why you should feel that way? The three Red Bulls you chugged for breakfast followed by Hot Takis and a bag of Mini Donettes probably had nothing to do with that..."

Hi Ya Ryan, How's my litte Ry Ry doing? I hope good man. I'm going nuts here, "help!" I'm really counting down the days tell I'm out there, then I'll have fun all the time instead of only once every now and then, and I won't be getting into all these fights... The only thing that makes a day a good day is calling or getting an email or mail from someone in Riverton. If it wasn't for that I would be in the Koo's Koo's Nest... hehe. But like we talked about on the phone we will get rooms next to each other and yell at each other through the wall, that would be fun!!! Hey, I'm watching Ice Age and it makes me laugh cause, well the big Woolly Mammoth Manny AKA "The Heavy" Hey what do you think AKA means? Also known as. a kind ass, a kit ahead, a kid ape, Aladdin kissed Amy, oh lucky Amy... help! Kind of smart for a five year old... hehe. Well, Manny would be you, the one who knows all and the one who watches out for everyone! Sadl...

"Ryan, why'd you have to go and steal my thunder today man?! I got a haircut too, you know? And so did you... but your haircut got more notice and compliments than mine did..." "Oh, boo whoo you whiny baby poopy pants, it's just hair. Your momma don't work here no more. Now you go get your milk all lined out, dairy boy. Some people around here say that you don't rotate, so you aren't as fresh as you think you are..."

My Dearest Ryan, I was so excidleated to hear from you, in fact I think every one in the apartment knew I got a letter... Well being out here is now really hard with it being the holidays, cause I wish I could be in two places at once. I want to be with my family cause now I realize what I have missed out on in the past 4 years. But another part of me wants to be in Riverton with everyone else I love! But I'm quitting The Training Table and hoping to find a better job to make a bit more money so I can try to get out there cause I can't seem to save money! With all little of hours I get!!! I have to keep telling myself that not being able to run to you with every little problem I have makes me a stronger person! But I still need you forever!! I can't wait to start school. I want to start after Christmas. Then you can get done at CWC I'll be done, then I'm going to kidnap you! and runaway to Chicago and you can go to Broadway and I can go cook somewhere! But even if w...

"It's a horrible and terribly tough time to be alive. Living in what I was raised to believe are the last days, as latter day saints believe. These are the last days of what? Mankind as we know it? Last days of injustice, suffering and hell on earth. The days when Satan has full reign and all manner of calamity will bring us all to our knees, waiting for Christ to return and save us all from ourselves. Don't you find that all together ridiculous and terrifying at the same time?!" "Not really, no. I find a certain sense of peace and relief knowing it's all coming to an end and Jesus will save us all. It's a happily ever after win win for all of us. Why do you find it all so terrifying and ridiculous...?" "Because, can't you see?! It's all just a bunch of mixed up chaos stories written to scare us and bring us peace at the same time. But we know they are lying, they know they are lying, they know we know they are lying, we know they know w...

 As he slid his thumb upon my slick and thin glass surface, he came to the surreal realization that all the dozens of dancing boxes on my skin were algorithmic traces of all the times his thumbs had been placed in all these spaces before. There was a pattern there, if he cared to recognize it, all too familiar but somehow only surface deep. Inside these tiny dozen, dancing boxes were reflections of all the man had ever wished to see and to be, keeping him locked in and looking into his snazzy pocket sized IPhone 83.

 "If burning Fritos and sour cream cheese had a baby, and the baby shit himself... that's what it smelled like..." "So, much like Worland on a warm summer evening in late August...?"

  RyRy, Could you try to have me up by five. I need to go to Carolyn's. Love Sandi Yes hunny I will. Luv RYAN 

  RyRy, Hey Love's, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and hope you have a safe trip! and wear your seat belt. Always remember that I love you and would do anything for you, like that song says, "if loving you makes a slave out of me then I'd spend my whole life in chain..." Have a safe and fun trip. Love, SANDI 

  Bye Bye SANDI, Leaving now. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Left about 7:45. I took the thingy for safety. Be back Sunday afternoon. Have fun while I'm gone, and thank you for all you've done for me. I haven't been too grateful, but know that I really do appreciate every little thing you've done. Love you,  RYAN 

  Ryan, Hello Hunny! How did you sleep? I hope good! Well I just wanted you to know that I love you and there is a full tank of gas! So drive careful ok! Wear your seat belt! Wake me up before you go. Ok, Love you. Love SANDI XOXOXO 

  HIYA SANDI, You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. I got up late so I hadda hurry and scat. I will be careful & wear my seat belt. Thanks for the gas. Be back late tonight or sometime tomorrow. I don't know which, depends on how the show goes. Ok. Luv you, hug you, bye, bye! LUV, RYAN 

"I was always the observant guy, and he was the oblivious one. I didn't ever want to argue, but he did. I didn't engage, I didn't beg. I simply watched and noticed how he acted when he thought no one was watching, how he treated someone when they weren't immediately serving him. And then one day without any warning or noise, I walked away. Not out of anger, but because I already understood everything I needed to know about what kind of man he was. And I no longer wished to deal with him..."

SANDI HUNNY, You be sleeping, and you looked so peaceful, didn't want to wake you. Just want to say LUV U and thank you for being endlessly understanding and patient with me. I know I am not easy to live with, you've been a saint. You really are a true friend. Be back around 9:30-9:45. RYAN 

  There once was a girl. And this girls name happened to be Sandi. She loved life and smiled all day long. Bad news comes and she frowns for a moment, then brushes it off and finds the bright side of every day. Bitchiness comes, too. But not for long. Sandi has a friend named Ryan. He's a bitch too, sometimes. But they are never bitches at the same time, unless of course they are both drunk and in an enclosed space for too long. And they were friends forever, and ever, and ever...

  Hello RyRy! Well I just wanted to say Hello and let you know I'm thinking of you, too. I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon. Love you Sandi P.S. I miss spelled fragile, that time I didn't, hope it made you smile 

  Dear My RyRy, How is you? I miss you so so much! I can't wait tell I can get out there with everyone just for a couple of days. I did not think I would miss everyone. But enough of that. My life is boring, I don't do much. Just read. I can't wait tell I can go to school, I want to cook so bad, I want to do something with my life, I'm not going to be a lump! But tell then I shall be a cute lump, hehe. Hey, question... When you read this letter do you hear my voice like in the movies, is it like I'm reading it to you, or is it like red, dry eye guy or is it your voice? Just asking. Well, give Danna May a big hug for me and tell her I love and miss her. Also Cam, but you don't need to hug him. I never thought I would enjoy living with Rebecca, but it is fun. We have our ups and downs like everyone but I love it! Well, I told you about the poem that I found it is very good, I liked it. I found it in a book my mom bought for me called "Poems That Live Forever....

Ryan, HI! I'm in science. We're watching a movie again! I had a dream about you last night. This movie sucks!! All my parents talk about is you! They're starting to sound like me! Candace called me this morning and asked me what is wrong with your rabbit. So I told her what I thought. I told her that if something were to happen and your rabbit didn't make it that you could come get another one. Well, got to go.                                                       BYE! I hope we can do something soon!  Love ya,   Erin P.S. If you get really board and have nothing to do call me. P.P.S. If you don't want to ask for me have Candace do it. 

  Ryan, I was board so I decided to write you. I'm in social studies and we're watching a movie on Eastern Europe and Russia. This kid named Nick Ervin asked Candace out. She said maybe but I know she'll say yes. Nick is writing her a note right now. My parents know about us. They found out cause I had one of my notes to you in my bag and my mom went through my bag and found it. So then she read it out loud and so now everybody knows. Oh well!! I don't think Adam is going to come to my locker. But oh well. Candace is too interested in Nick. Well, got to go.                         Bye                                             Erin Williams

Ryan, What's going on? I have heard so many different things I don't know what to believe. I have been so upset that all my grades have dropped. And Brooke, all she talks about is YOU! She says that you like her better, but you don't want to break my heart. I'll finish this note in a little bit, I have to do a worksheet. O.K. I'm done. So I didn't believe it. But Brooke is the only one that I know of that talks about you at dance. So can we just forget all this ever happened? Are you coming to the band concert? I am cuz I'm in it. But I still love you and I hope you still love me too.  Love ya,                    Erin L-T-T-E   Love Til The End Write back and answer my questions. 

  Ryan, I'm fine. I can't stop thinking about Saturday either! I know it's hard to be nervous, but don't be. It's ok if you hold my hand, I like it. I know how you felt, I did too. I just hoped you would hold my hand. So you're going to stay in the motel? So am I. Me and Candace have dance Friday. What time do you usually get done with your paper route? I was thinking that when me and Candace get done at dance at 4:30 we could meet somewhere and when you were done with your paper route we could walk to the motel! I just want you to know you don't have to be nervous to hold my hand or whatever you want to do. I decided I should start giving you hugs instead of having Candace do it for me. Is that okay? I wanted to ask first, that way I wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable. Well that's about it.                    Love ya,                           ...

  "Hey Ryan. You wanna know something...?" "Yeah, sure, what is it...??" "Well, every Sunday afternoon, after church, our bosses sit down and watch us here at work. They watch the cameras to see what's going on here at Blair's." "Oh yeah?! They do?? Hey, everybody! Did you hear that?! It's Sunday afternoon, and we're LIVE AT BLAIR'S!!"

"He was always so obsessed with what everyone else thought about him, how he was viewed by other people, his image was everything. He had this facade to keep up with, he'd twist his face and his words depending on who he was talking with and what he wanted from them. And, more often than not, once he'd turned his head and walked away, he'd have something not so nice to say about them. I listened closely to him, knowing that someday, if I decided to walk away, that he would speak about me that way, too. It was one red flag I should have payed special attention to. Later on, after I'd left him, sure enough, his words turned against me. That hurt the most, the pain of knowing his unkind mouth had wicked words he'd reserved just for me..." "Well, is seems to me that what mattered most wasn't what happened, it was how he looked from the outside. Your pain was negotiable, but his image was not..." "Exactly..."

 "It's been incredibly hard to be so far away from them. I've missed half of their lifetimes. They are happy and healthy, they have a good life and everything they need. Except their father. But they have to be alright without me, however much we may miss each other." "I understand. That must be difficult. I couldn't imagine being so far away from my children. I couldn't bear that." "Living apart from my children is the nearest thing to hell I have ever experienced..."

"You didn't just lose a relationship, Ryan. You lost the version of yourself who believed you were finally safe with him. But in your loss you had to face the reality that the person you trusted most was the one who shattered your sense of security..."

"Hey Ryan. Someone told me that you're into making sauces for pasta. And that you love anything with pasta noodles in it. Do you do Ragu or are you more of a Hunt's man? Are you a pastafarian...?" "I do love making the sauces, yes. And I'm a sucker for noodles, too. I'm a huntsman, hunting for the Ragu, for you. And yes, I'm a pasta fairy, hun...!" "You obviously have no idea what a pastafarian is, do you...??" "Obviously not! Please enlighten me..."

  Hey Sweety!  So watz up? Not much here. I was board so I thought I'd write. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but I don't have what I need to do it. Sorry I was so pissy when I was at your house. I didn't feel good. I can't go a single hour without thinking of you either. All I talk about anymore is YOU! I really love you and can't wait tell I can see you again. I understand why you didn't kiss me. I always like to be sure before I kiss someone. But I wanted to kiss you sooo bad. I just didn't have enuf guts. But next time if you're sure you want to, go ahead and kiss me. I just wish I could have seen you longer. But I'll call you sometime SOON! I ❤️ U Erin

Hey babe, Don't be sorry for not being able to stay in the motel. It wasn't much fun anyway. It would have been more fun if you were there, but that's ok. Did you think I said 'oh well' about your grade? If you did, I didn't! I told Candace that I thought the school mixed your grade up with someone else's, cause there's no way you could of had an F! Even if they didn't that's not going to change the way I feel about you! I really LOVE YOU!!!! By the way I don't want anything for Valentine's Day! If you want to do something on the 10th or the 17th I can. You do sound like a totally different person in your letters. You're always so shy around me, but not in your letters! I suppose I'm the same way. I hope you don't mind my sloppy handwriting, but my stupid mom keeps asking me what I'm writing.                                                 ...

Dear Ryan, Are you mad or something? It just kind of sounding like it in your last letter. Do you know Rita's last name? I was just wondering because I know a Rita in highschool. She works with my Dad at Mammoth Music. My parents know your name and who you are. Yes, I love you! Why wouldn't I? I love you but maybe you don't love me. Do you love me? I think Candace is getting mad because I can't stop thinking about you. In case you're getting sick of my letters I'll let you go.                                                                                Erin P.S. Sorry it's sloppy, I'm writing in the dark. 

Ryan, If you wanted your necklace back you should have asked for it. But you can't have it back cause the chain turned silver and so did the heart and the diamond fell out so now I don't know where all the pieces are.                                                                                          Erin  

  Ryan, I really miss having you there. You mean so much to me. But if you decide to stay with Rita, I understand. I only want the best for you! I LOVE YOU!

Sorry So Sloppy Ryan, Candace didn't tell me that she told me that you broke up with me to go out with Rita. But anyway I really miss you and being with you, but not being able to have you is driving me crazy! But I'm not sure what you're asking? I still love you, too! Write back,                              Erin Ryan, Trust me, she's driving me crazy, too!! about you. Candace Jevne 

Waiting for an absolution. Will it come? Waiting for that end... Or that transition. I want to change. I need to change. JD just gave me a dirty, disapproving look. That's one of the many reasons I have for not going back to church. The smiling faces and the false pretenses that seem to be a part of everyone, no matter how they try not to, make me feel so low. I'm a sinner. I'm not perfect. I may never change. I don't want to live knowing that when I die I won't see my family again because they are living differently than I. Sure, growing up I thought I'd be perfect and be all that my parents wanted me to be. Get married in the temple forever and all eternity. Then, I grew up and began to think for myself and realized how select and all too restrictive the religion I was raised in really was. I was different, I knew that much. And I wasn't going to be what everyone else around me was. A zombie.   

  Ryan, Nothing is going on in school. I had fun seeing you too! I really wanted to do things with you but couldn't. I really really miss you and can't stop thinking about you either. I'm not going to get myself in trouble with Brennon. I haven't talked to him since that happened. But what I did wasn't as bad as Candace! But it's not like that has never happened before. But you know when you told everybody that you frenched Rita. I was ready to cry and I wanted to leave cause I didn't want to hear anymore. But that's behind me now. I would really like to be friends with you. Sorry I've been so pissy! Talk to you later!                                                            LATERS!!                                ...

I had died, there in my bed, just as I'd wished to on so many hopelessly empty nights. This dark cold winter night it had come to pass. On a night where I'd wished to be ripped from my body, to be free from the torment of my own sick mind and filthy soul, to a place where I could escape all the pain. I had been drinking all day and hadn't eaten a thing. I'd been in and out of consciousness, awake and aware enough several times in between. Only to pour myself another drink of oblivion. Fearing I'd wake in the night to more memories of the man I hadn't loved enough to keep, and to face the man I had become without him, I slipped three Seroquel between my lips. I was a hopelessly empty and cold man, barely clinging to the bits of soul I still had left. I was floating above my bed, my back and buttocks bumping into the ceiling behind me. The streetlights outside the window cut through the blinds, casting lines across my sheets and the silhouette of my body. I drifte...

Ryan, Hey! So what's going on with you and stuff? Haven't talked to you in a long time. So I thought I'd write. Me and Candace have been getting in fights lately. But oh well! I'm in Math. Just finished a test and I can't wait tell the bell rings! School is kind of dumb now that I got used to it. I'm so happy tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! Candace is still working on her test. But that's Candace for ya! I really liked these two guys, but now I think they're JERKS!!! Well got to go.                              BYE                                             Erin P.S. Talk to you later!! 

Dear Ryan, I am really sorry for being a Blank !! when I was at your house Saturday. I got pissy because you were there and I couldn't have you. I really thought I was over you, but I was wrong. I thought I could come over and be able to have fun and not think about what happened. But all I did was think about you and all that happened. I know you don't want to hear anymore so I'll stop.                                                                      BYE               Love Always,                                             Erin Sorry So Short!! 

  Ryan, Well here's another note. Guess I am just in that writing mood, that or well, nevermind. Please, if you don't like me tell me in as nice a way as possible. I don't think I could stand to have my heart broken again, especially by you. I am not trying to pressure you into anything, I just really like you. Please don't use the excuse that I'm too young for you because both you and I know that's not true. I know that you're still involved with Rita, but all that I'm asking for is one more chance. I don't know why I can't seem to get you out of my head. Guess you're just too special to me. Me and Venessa are starting to be friends again. So I am happy about that. I am serious, I have every single note you've ever given me, except for the one when you called me a bitch and told me I could find a new boyfriend to tell my lies to. Do you remember that? I do. I will probably never forget that. Also, now if I have a problem with you I will ...

Ryan,  😃  Please don't show this to anyone ! I just wanted to tell you that seeing you at school makes me realize how much I still want to be with you. There is so much I want to tell you about my life. I don't know, but you could probably care less, about me and my life. PLEASE believe me when I tell you I still love you, or the old Ryan anyway. I want to have the chance to get to know you again. I am trying so hard to get my life back together and right now I need a guy to be my friend. Please take me seriously! Write me back or call just to let me know what you think. 856-7351                                                       Signed,  Erin P.S. I still have all of your notes, and I read them often. If you don't like me and don't want anything to do with me please  tell me and I'll leave you alone!

Ryan, I'm not going out with Matt! I'm in love with him but he's not  in love with me. He can be a real dick sometimes and he is starting to piss me off! I don't know why I love him. I want to call you but I'm afraid to. I guess I'm afraid that when I hear your voice I'll start to cry. I know my dad's a jerk. I just don't get him. My life is so screwed. I am not supposed to be friends with Candace or Venessa. I am in love with two people, one who likes me for who I am. (YOU) The other one is on drugs and isn't going to have a brain left. (Matt) I don't know what to do. I feel like I could cry. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have one more question. What would you say if I said to hell with Matt and asked you out? Please write back or call. -k-.                         Love Always,                               ...

  Katie is really gone now. We had dinner at The Bull with Linda and Tim last night. She slept on my bed half the night. Then we made love this morning as the coffee was brewing. One last time. Who knows... Then she drove away with tears in her eyes. Girls getting in cars and driving away should be something I've gotten used to. But no, it's not, it's always hard. Another girl drove out of my life. And here's hoping it doesn't happen again. I'll miss her, later in the week, when I pick up the phone to call her to come shopping with me or something. Can't, she's in Utah or Florida now. I hope and pray that everything works out for her - she deserves so much more than I can give her. Love? - yes, I love her. Miss? - yes, I'll miss her. Want? - yes, I want her. Need? - no, I don't & won't let myself need her. Goodbye Miss Katie - love you. Call me sometime. 

"Ryan...? Why haven't you been blogging??" "I was on a mental health break. I've been freshly sober for a month now. It was time for a reset, detox, cleanse and mental health reevaluation, chill the fuck out, selfish me time. That's why." "Oh, I see... was that the short or long answer??" "Short. You want the long, you'll have to pay me by the hour..." "Oh, I'll pay." "Okay. Long answer. I nearly died last year. On three different occasions. My life flashed before my eyes the first time. The second time it was played back in reverse. And the third time I saw how I die the next time. I had a wake up call from heaven and from hell. I needed to change, again, was the message I came back with. So I'm listening and I'm changing. So I'm sober, and in order to maintain my own heart, mind and soul, a mental health break is my own created intervention to avoid the unavoidable death that could lie right outsid...

  Ryan, Hi! So you stayed home sick today, HUH? Well that's a bummer. I was hoping that I could see you today. But if you don't feel good then you shouldn't come to school. I am so glad you called me last night. I hope you will call me again. I want to talk to you some more. I want you to know the real Erin. I want to know the real Ryan. I hope you want to get to know me. If all this is too much for you, tell me and I'll back off. Anyway I have to go now, but please, if you're not busy, call me.                         Sincerely,                                                  Erin P.S. I don't want you to ever have any regrets with me. 

Ryan, Hi! I have a question. Does Rita know that you've been talking to me? Because if she doesn't then I think you should tell her so when she finds out she doesn't get too pissed and kicks my ass. Vivian Baker told me that you're going to dump Rita and go out with her sister. Is this true? I don't care if it is, I just want to know. I was going to call you but then I got busy and completely forgot. SORRY. But anyway, if sometime I'm board and need someone to talk to I'll call you. Or if you're board and need someone to talk to you can call me. -k.- Gotta Jet!                         BYE Love ya,               Erin P.S. My dad almost ran me and my little brother over this morning. 

  Sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I get down. I am right now. No real reason. Just am. And then God sends me an angel to make me realize how damn good I have it. Geez Ryan, it may be scary, but you know you're blessed - GOSH. Katie withdrawals are starting and she isn't even a hundred miles away. Well, suppose Mr. Cocky - so sure he couldn't love again - Ryan isn't so emotionally drained as he formerly supposed. Hmmm... Sandi. She didn't seem to keen on hanging out tonight. Looks like I'm going to be alone for awhile. Truly alone. Just you wait until ASHEVILLE hits. Think you're lonely now. Just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait. You'll be sorry but your tears will be too late. When you yell you're gonna drown, you'll get dressed and go to town. JUST YOU WAIT.

  Ryan, Hey! I love you more than Matt. It's just that he is a jerk on the phone, but then when I'm with him I just fall in love. I'm going crazy! I just wish that there wasn't so much standing in my way. Next time I see Matt I'm going to slap him so hard he's going to be sorry that he treated me that way. That FUCKING JERK! Sorry, but I'm so pissed off. I should have him come over tonight just so I can slap him. This morning I talked back to my Dad and he tried to put a plastic sack over my head, so I kicked his ass. I really want to go back out with you, but I don't know what to do about Matt. When you came to my party and you and Paul were sitting in my living room I almost walked in there and gave you a kiss, but then Matt walked in my door, so then that idea went out the window. Candace is starting to piss me off. Well hey, if your board tonight call me. I'll be the only one home. 6-7351                       ...

"Hey, Ryan. You'll never guess what just happened!" "What happened??" "Well, you remember how I told you I was super hungry and I had a craving for the deli mac'n cheese...?" "Yes...?" "Well, I went over there and asked for some and then one of the deli lady's false eyelashes floated down into my bowl. Then she gave it to me. Then I was all like, 'hey, there's one of your lashes in this...' and then she was all like, 'It ain't gonna kill ya! It's fine! Just a little extra flavor...!' "

  So, yesterday, when I was going to make the last of my deliveries around campus, a drunk Indian man hit on me. Told me I was cute, put his arm around me and followed me just a little too close. I ran him over with my delivery cart and laughed about it later. He was creepy. He kept saying, "Ryan, you're cute..." And, "Ryan, be nice to me..." And I about punched the shit out of him. I've been hit on by guys before, but this was extreme and threatening, and disgusting. I directed him where he said he wanted to go and told him to have a nice day. Should've called security or something. But, for as upset as I was, I think I did very well not knocking his drunk ass out right in the middle of campus. Reason number 378 to leave this sorry town: Gay drunk Indians.

  Today would have been seven years. Eleven years if you count the ones we weren't married to each other yet. She was my best friend and my soul mate. Or so I thought. Well, things end much differently. My choices and her suspicions led to our demise. I'm still bitter about things. Issues lie unresolved. Wounds won't heal and questions weren't answered. Had no closure to things. If I did, would I feel any better? Who knows... Some things have an ending, some things don't. This chapter of my life left off in the middle... One of those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books, and I turned to the wrong page I guess... Wish I could go back and change things. Fate stepped in and threw me a wicked curve ball. I'll make the most of it and go on, and when the next potential mistake comes along maybe I won't screw up as badly as I had before. So, please forgive me Rita - I'm writing this for me - another regret - a sweet one.

Ryan, Hi! I got your note & that's fine if you stay with Rita. But you will always be one of my best guy friends, so what do you say about that? I really miss you, but whatever will make you happy is fine with me. -k-! But you have to promise me one thing, we'll still talk! I feel really bad like I hurt your feelings for some reason. Will you tell Rita "HI" for me the next time you talk to her? I'll still love you, too. But if this is the way you want it then that's the way it will be. You can call any time if you want to, you don't have to -k-!                    Erin

Ryan, Hi! Sorry that note was so sloppy. I had to hurry and write it because my mom kept bugging me! I think my parents know about us because they always say "How's Ryan?" But my parents won't care. If they do it's their problem not mine.                                                 * Sorry about that, it was time to change classes. I'm at home now. You'll probably think this is really sad, but I couldn't wait to see you, so I slept with your note. So you can't stay in the motel, oh well. I need to see you every day. Well, I have to go feed the rabbits so I'll write again soon!                                                                   ...

 He wanted to play a game in a small town. In other words he wanted to fuck around and find out. He wanted to play the wicked game of who was more popular than who. He thought he was a man with so much clout, running his game and his mouth all over the place. He thought to himself, "ha ha, I'm Mister Popular, surely everyone here loves me...!" He played the game so many times before, and he always won against the other one. But this time he was playing with a man he loved and lost, knowing every day thereafter he'd miss him greatly. A man he still had not cracked open like a nut, not knowing all his inside kicks and ticks, and how well he really played his games.  This game would be different, the matches more brutal, the rules made to be bent and broken wide open. The stakes as high as no stakes had been placed before. In this game, the winner takes nothing, and the loser takes it all. The game of love, or who loves who more than who, the game of who's more popul...