gayNwyo

"What did you see in that creepy, dirty, toothless man Ryan?! I could've told you what a worthless piece of shit he was from the beginning. He didn't treat you well, and that's not surprising. It's obvious he didn't care for himself, so how could he care for anyone else??" "Well, he's off to care for another Joe now, so we don't have to worry about him anymore..."

"He broke you, and you still wished him the best. So he lost the best thing he ever had, the poor fool."

I love the cool fall mornings.  Me too. The next couple nights will be the last ones for me to be naked in the back yard.  Maybe someday I can be naked with you in the back yard? It is a nice place to relax and enjoy the air all over your body. I enjoy sharing my experiences with new people. So you can come and join the joy of nudity in the garden.  I'd enjoy that very much! Have you ever had black garlic? No. I love garlic though! I had some yesterday. Oh my goodness!!! It is incredible. I just ordered some. I will share when I get it. It is mild, sweet, with the texture of gummy bear. I want to pare it with a sharp cheese and a wonderful toasted slice of baguette. Sounds delicious! Goodnight Tom. I hope we can get together soon! Sweet dreams. 

"He is a vindictive man, Ryan, and you should consider yourself lucky you escaped him."

I lowered my walls and let you in. You asked me what was going on in my mind. But the second I showed my bleeding feelings, You broke those emotions wide open. My insecurities were your weapons, Twisting my words to fit your devices. You knew I was on the edge,  But you pushed me over anyway. You sat and watched me drown, Pushing all of my buttons, Pushing me deeper inside myself. You played my keys like a piano, Making me dance to your song. Wanting me hypnotized like a zombie,  Driven out of my mind. But I'll always be the one to blame, Tell the world I was your clam. Tell them I was insecure with emotions, Like a roach left to nibble on cookie crumbs, And the world will come to applaud you.

Break a leg!  You broke my heart. But I'll always love you. I hope you find happiness, wherever life takes you. You broke your own heart. You can't treat people the way you do and expect them to tolerate it. That isn't love. You stole from me, lied to me, and manipulated me. You've admitted it. It's been fun finding empty liquor bottles as I pack my house. If your shitty blog is any indication of how you feel, you don't wish me happiness. I would have given you the world, but you can't seem understand that your behavior holds you down. You'll never be able to stop blaming your "trauma", blaming others, and telling your lies. Your pathetic grocery store minions make me laugh. I dread the day your children learn how deceitful you are. Did you tell them you stole that phone because you felt entitled to it? Also, you broke up with me every time. Don't you dare put any of this on me. I've said it before... someday you'll r...

Dear You, I won’t curse you, but I won’t wish you well either. I wish you nothing, and may our planets never touch again. Please be happy, please be sad, be in peace, or afflicted by your reality, please feel anything and everything, whatever it may be, but please, do it far away from me.  You know who you are. Ryan

It was great to meet you Ryan! We loved the music and melodrama. Margie told me to tell you you're a good looking man and I have to agree. She told me how much she enjoyed your character, you were so animated, which made your character more special. I agree. I'm glad you were out there, Tom. You're very good looking, too. It was nice meeting Margie. Chat with me anytime. I definitely will, you're something special, I can see that. Sweet dreams.

"Psst! Ryan, I need to see you, let's chat..." "Psst! What's up?" "I gotta say, you were amazing last night, going on despite the obnoxious heckler booing you in the back row. He was there last night, obviously there to disturb your performance. You were brilliant even though he was disruptive." "Oh, I knew he was there, I was totally aware. I gave that performance just for him. After all, I still love him." "Really?! At the end he yelled out, 'Marry me!' Did you hear that??" "Yes, I did. A bizarre curtain call proposal, however sweet. It meant so much to me that he was there, despite everything..."

"Ryan, you thought he was your soul mate, your perfect fit, and that's what you thought you wanted. But you were his soul mate. You were his mirror, his person who showed him everything he was holding back. You brought him to his own attention. True soul mates are the most valuable person you can meet. You tore down his walls and woke him up. But soul mates aren't forever, like one would think. Soul mates come into your life to show you a layer of yourself, and then they leave. That's a soul mates purpose, to break you wide open, to tear you apart, to leave you lonely and then transform your life."

He peeked from behind the curtain on opening night, scanning the audience to see if the villain could be seated out in the house. Fortunately, the villain was nowhere to be found. The villain had hopefully been run out of town.

"Come here Ryan! Let me see those eyebrows..." "You're just jealous, Deli Lady! Jealous because you have to draw yours on..." "No I'm not. You've got a few long, rogue strays that need plucked. Let me get them for you, please, they are driving me crazy!" "No, let me be, bitch!" "Ok, ok, I guess not everyone can have perfect eyebrows like Jesse." "Yeah, you're right, his eyebrows are on fleet!"

"Ryan, you must understand that forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. It means knowing that the past is over, the dust has settled and the destruction left in the wake can never be reconstructed to resemble what it was. It’s accepting that there’s no magic solution to the damage that’s been caused. It’s the realization that as unfair as the hurricane was, you still have to live in that city of ruins. And, Ryan, no amount of anger is going to reconstruct that city. You have to do it yourself."

"Ryan, I hope you find someone who will understand your past traumas and give you constant reassurance that you're now trusting the right person. I hope you find someone who understands that you are not perfect but will never make you feel not enough. I hope you find a kind-hearted person. Someone who will speak kind words to you and will always respect you no matter what the situation is. I hope you find someone who knows exactly how to treat you right. Someone who will love you genuinely and will care for you like he's afraid to lose you. I hope you find someone who can love you selflessly because not every one can love that way. Not every one is willing to sacrifice everything he has just to see you happy and not every one is willing to love you with everything he has. I hope you find a love that allows you to be happy and to be at peace because you deserve it after how many times of settling for less than what you deserve. And, Ryan, most importantly, I hope you find s...

She was always such a chatterbox. She'd chat me up and down all day long. She'd chat me til I was blue in the face. Then she'd chat me to sleep, always chattering about this and that. I'd fall asleep while she chattered away. Then in the morning she'd say, "Ryan, I was talking to you last night and you fell alseep..." "I love the sound of your voice so much, you just chatted me all the way to dream land..." was all I could say...

As he stood there in the spotlight, as the star in a silly little small town melodrama, he realized that he was there to face himself. He wasn't really anything at all, just a silly little star in a small town. A small town that loved him, despite how much he didn't love himself. 

"Hey there Mister Mustache! It's coming in nicely!" "It's for 'The Pony Expresso,' a melodrama I'm doing this weekend..." "Oh yeah, can I call you 'Pony Boy'!?!" "Yeah, of course! Everyone around here seems to want ride me like the Pony Expresso!" "It's true Ryan! That mustache is sexy, hot shit!!"

We sat opposite from each other at our favorite Chinese restaurant. We were freshly in love, and madly in lust. We'd eat like ravenous boys, in anticipation for the foreplay and fornication that would follow. His way of showing his love was to feed me cashew shrimp. My way of showing my love was to make sweet afternoon love to him.  I laughed as he smirked his cute smiles across the table. I was poor as a poor boy could be, yet he treated me like a prince. He was sweet and tender with his words, one of the many reasons I loved the man so much. "Poverty might have stolen your golden shoes Ryan, but it didn't steal your silver laughter." "No, Brian, I laugh and it makes me forget the poverty. I love you so much." He paid the bill and we rushed home to strip naked and enjoy our blissful, orgasmic afternoon. 

I missed you quietly today. So quietly that no one noticed. I missed you as I woke in my bed, as I heard the rain outside my window. As I waited on the lights as I went to work. I missed you as I ate lunch and as I kicked off my shoes when I got home. I miss you as I turned off the lights and slipped into bed for the night. I felt it in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and at night. I felt it as I woke, as I waited, as I worked. I felt it at home, on the road, in the light, in the dark, in the rain. I felt it in every one of those moments, each one sitting heavier and heavier as the weight of me missing you kept growing and growing.  Yes, I missed you so quietly today. But I felt it so loudly.

Every modern love romance has a song, a melody. Our song happened to be 'I Live My Life For You' by Lifehouse. It begins, "You know you're everything to me, and I could never see the two of us apart..." I haven't listened to that song in the last five years and hope to never hear it in the next five. One refrain states, "I've built my world around you." I fell hard for her, very fast and much too completely. I found myself waking up and dressing strictly for her and rehearsing in the mirror glances I'd give her. We went a year into dating simply holding hands and caressing each other. She'd walk behind me, her hands clasped around my waist, her pelvis against my butt and her breasts touching my shoulder blades. Nothing in the world felt as right as the two of us, nothing. Kissing wasn't a part of our relationship at all. Spooning on the other hand, was. I did kind of hint around to the fact that I wanted to kiss, but she fanned her ha...

Ryan, Act Sixteen, Chapter Sixteen entitled 'Angelic Sunrise' will be a complex and heart breaking chapter.  You said he gave you everything a material boy could want, yet it wasn't everything. It wasn't so much about what he gave you, but more so about how he made you feel. He gave you the world, yet it wasn't about all that, it was the words he used that slowly crushed your spirit. He was serene yet savage with his language. You tie this in well with another Oz quote, "Why, you're nothing but a great big coward!" Sadly, he calls you a coward and a failure when you gave up so much to live with him. I feel you should never have to explain why you deserve to be spoken to with respect and treated with human decency. You should never allow anyone, even if it's someone you love, to talk down to you, hurt you, or strip you of who you are in order to gain power over you. That isn't love, and it sure as hell isn't how you should ever be treated. M...

January 3rd, 1997 Dear Ryan, I've written this letter four times and I think it's better if I just cut the bullshit and get to the point. Ryan. This isn't working. We're either going to have to try harder with this relationship or call it quits. Since I've been down to Riverton for your Homecoming, you've sent me ONE letter, and a birthday card. Ryan, I can't just be there when it's convenient for you. I need some attention! I'm not saying you need to write me a letter every day, I'd just like to know what you're up to! The only explanation I have for this, is that you're cheating on me, and I would rather not think that. Ryan, I love you a lot, and I really want this to work out. I really do. I'm sick and tired of running to my mailbox every day and finding nothing from you. I receive more mail from Nathan Laidlaw, and not only is he not my boyfriend, he lives in a whole different country! Ryan, that's pretty sad on your part. Ry...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm doing fine. Things are looking up for me in ways, and down in others. I'm learning that all the hard work I've done in school is finally paying off. I'm graduating. I had my final band concert last Thursday. It was on stage, half way through the concert, and I realized I would never be there again and I started crying. Whether or not it was pain or happiness, I don't know. I just know that for eight hard years I dedicated my life to something I loved and cherished, and that will always be with me. I will always have those years to look back on. The hard, endless hours of practice, and those joyful moments of triumph. Knowing I was good at something. I earned my place and it will still be there when I come back. Some day it will have payed off. On brighter sides, I found a new job. I'm going to start working at the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum after I come back from Christmas break. The wages and the hours are really great, and ...

"Most poeple just don't understand me. I'm not like everyone else in this ordinary world. I have my mad moments. I exist in so many other dimensions and I have no time for things that have no soul."

I brought her a box of Dolly Madison glazed donuts later in May, just before school got out for the Summer. "I got a surprise for you in my bag." I teased. "I think it's a little early in our relationship for flowers..." I pulled them out. "I remember you saying they were your favorite." She hopped up, sporting her tight, white knit sweater and sexy navel, and grabbed me in an embrace. "How sweet!" I blushed. Everyone in the high school commons area craned their necks to watch the spectacle. I was flattered. We fed each other the donuts, exchanged lusty glances and spouted sappy poetry. The bell rang and ended another glorious lunch date that made going to RHS so meaningful.  Her name and several off centered hearts are scattered in pages of almost every textbook and notebook that crossed my desk during my freshman, sophomore and junior years. Teachers and casual friends, mostly girls, questioned the mysterious name. I simply stated, "Sh...

He'll forever be remembered as my love, That sweet man of mine that got away. Forever remembered as my love, As the man that got away. 

Rita Rosalie. I met her my freshman year in high school. My first impression of her was that she may be a druggie. Her hair was half black, half blonde, the last six inches of her hair were black. She came into English class with a woman. And when Mr. Kennedy, our teacher, stood to lecture us, the woman stood by signing as he spoke. I assumed this skunk-haired girl was deaf. When I was a freshman I barely spoke to anyone, and only when necessary. I never noticed anyone looking at me and pretty much kept to myself. Rita had been watching me for a while and was waiting for the right moment and the right words to say. She sat right in front of me.  About half way through class she turned around and asked, "Do you know what time it is...?" Wanting to get this deaf, yet attractive girls' attention off of me, I replied as I pointed to it, "The clock is right there..."  I guess she didn't know how to respond, and being put off by my blunt rudeness, she turned back ...

Ryan, Working my way back through Chapter Thirteen, aka Act Thirteen: Finding Brian,  entitled "That Black Bag." There's a scene in here where you realize Brian is void of deep emotional connection, lacking empathy, unable to connect with you on the levels that you need. So, it's my understanding that he must be the black bag, right? And that's why you say,  "There's nothing in that black bag for me..." Brilliant play on themes, Ryan. Ties into Oz parallels very, very well! I need more in depth character analysis of Brian. Send me more personal stories on why you found him to be such a "black bag," please and thank you!

"Just because he's gone doesn't mean you can't bring him back for a little while, the memory of him at least. You can bring him back by painting a picture with your words and your memories, breathing his essence back into your existence for just a little while. There's nothing wrong with that." "You're right. Even though he's gone, I've been doing just that. I want to remember all the best things that he was by allowing his best traits to shine through when I'm shaping his story into being. My thoughts bring him back into my world, and there's a story to be told. Even though he's gone. I feel him there when I hear a song he played for me, and sometimes a single note brings him alive again. As if he's in the room with me." "That's sad, but beautiful at the same time, and also healthy, believe it or not. It will heal you. Even though he's gone, you can keep parts of him alive by giving all the love you had for h...

James, You're there every time I turn around. Just stay where you are, find something to do. Do you have to be a part, no matter what? You care more what people think than you should. You'll say anything, do anything if it impresses or gets you praise. I need a pair of blinders and ear plugs. I need a sound proof locked room, to forget about you. I go crazy when I know what you're thinking. I go mad when I know why you do what you do. I'm not saying change. Just live, for you. Live your life because you want to, not for anyone else. Impress, lie if you have to, why do you feel you must? People will love you if you just be the James I know you are. Just live and you'll find there's more to life than who we are. Ryan

There is a disturbing silence that has followed my heartbreak. A sickening stillness that fills the space where he used to be. An empty seat at my table, in a quiet, empty room. He's there between the breaths I take. I wait for his familiar voice to come, for him to make me smile, or laugh, but that never comes. So I live with the silence, with the absence of him living in my chest. Always wondering if I'll be whole without him again, or if I'll always be broken inside without him.

Hate has never been so strong, Yet love has never been so deep. Passion has never been so hot, Yet loneliness has never been so cold. Desire has never been so constraining, Yet ignorance has never been so free. Purpose has never been so complete, Yet emptiness has never been so bitter. ~ RLJ ~ 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon. How are ya doin? Hang in there. It will soon be like it was, or better. Hopefully better. I've been really sick lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. There's so much pain. It feels like someone is ripping my insides out. I'm constantly tired. If this keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor. I don't want to, but I might have to. I have good news and bad news. Good news first. My leg is pretty much o-kay- now, and I'm able to dance again, and the scratches on my face are practically gone. I have a little swelling left in my ankle, but it'll be o-kay-.  Now the bad news. I hope you are sitting down. Here it goes. I wrecked my car. Not bad, but it's not good. This lady in a black Eagle Talon slammed into me one day after school. She claimed I ran a red light and hit her. It's not true though. I cleared the light, and she jumped the gun. I tried to swerve, but she still got me. If I never would have swerved she would h...

"You just happened to fall for a wrong guy, Ryan. That's all. He couldn't love you in all your magnificent madness. He couldn't see how truly wonderful you are. I can see you for that, and so can everyone else. You just need to find someone who can love you for all the light you have to give, and someone who can love you in all the darkness you may live. For you see, love can love you in the darkness and in the light."

"Did you see that guy who just shoplifted?" "No." "Let's go watch it on camera, Ryan..." "Ok." "Look at that shart nugget, thinking he's getting away with all that, can you believe that guy??" "Yeah, what a shart nugget..."

"Ryan, you must always come back, for that's all you have, what is here and now. For what has happened is in your past, it's already been written. But your present is yours, over and over again. You can always come back from all of it. You've seen that, time and time again. You are not defined by the tragedies of your life. You are so much more than that. It's up to you to bring yourself back, to calm your mind, to listen to your spirit, and to find your way as you learn to trust yourself more deeply. That power lies in you. Come back to who you are, in the now, not the then. You'll only find the real Ryan in the here and the now."

I started a lie, and it sent my whole world dying. Yet I couldn't see, that the lie was on me. Then I started to cry, which made the whole world laugh at me. Yet if I'd only seen that that lie was on me. I glanced to the heavens, rolling my eyes. Then I fell out of bed over things that I'd said. Then I finally died, which started the whole world living. If I'd only seen that that lie was on me.

"You seem torn apart tonight Ryan. Do you need to talk?" "My heart still aches, it still aches because of all that I've been through. I have to believe that my heart's capacity for pain is infinite. Yet with the loss of the man I loved, that layer of pain is an insurmountable weight, one I can't carry much longer."

"Hey, why were you outside crying? What's going on??" "I wasn't crying." "Liar. I saw you, your eyes were bloodshot, you were sweating. You were obviously upset by something. " "I wasn't crying, I swear. I was eating some spicy chicken, and whenever I eat spicy chicken it makes my eyes water and I sweat." "You're such a liar Ryan. Why won't you tell me what's going on with you?!"

"You've got to realize that the suspense of life is that you never really know what to expect. You can plan and expect that your life will go as you think it may go. But it never does, and that's where the magic begins..."

"Ryan, your job is not to understand or control everything! You need to learn which story you are in and which of the many things calling out in the world are calling out to you. Your job is to be fully alive in the life you have, to pick up the invisible thread of your own story and follow where it leads. You are the author of your life!"

"So, Spencer, you asked me a few days ago to come up with an extra special, semi-sexual nickname for you, right?!" "Yeah, and I've got high expectation, so this better be good. Hit me with it..." "Salty Spence, that's your nickname. Because you're so salty all the time, and you 'spence' all the best advice!" "That's sweet Ryan, clever, I like it! To me, you'll always be The Seven Foot Twink..."

Ryan, I sat there in the front row, there to see only you. You up there on the stage, working the magic you always worked so well. As I watched you work that mysterious magic, I knew that there would never be another like you. And that's when I knew I loved you. Jonah

"Ryan, can't you see that your human condition is basically characterized by your sense of absurd alienation. You are condemned to be free, facing a void of existence with no inherent meaning or purpose. This realization brings with it a profound existential nausea, a deep-seated anguish that arises from the awareness of your own freedom and the meaningless nature of your life." "So, you're saying my life is meaningless?" "No, I'm saying your life is only as meaningful as you let it be. Only you get to decide what it could be."

"So, I gotta tell you Ryan, your idiotic ex is sharing your blogs on his Facebook page. He's obviously looking for some sort of sympathy, or revenge or whatever..." "Oh really, that would explain why it's getting more views lately, it's been really popular, more so than I thought it would still be. It's insane how many people are reading it." "He's obviously still upset about you. He just can't get over you. He's like a school girl who just can't let it go, it's kind of sickening. I want to comment and say, 'get the fuck over it!' But that would only encourage his childish behavior, so I keep scrolling. Why can't you two just hug it out and get over it?!" "Maybe we should... only if I let him get too close, I'm sure he'd strangle me!" "Yeah, you're probably right. I also gotta say I'm not a fan of his, you're the one I love, and I can see why he loved you so much!"

Traveling alone on this journey called life, Clouded with hardships, struggles and strife. Moments brimming with love, Moments shadowed with despair. Could it be, in my hour of need, that I am left alone, Forsaken, to walk this winding road as one? Or could another be here, there, with me? There are times when I feel I shouldn't, Couldn't possibly go on. But then, as if a power beyond my own, lifts me, I do. Some unknown force is driving me, Some unseen being pushing me. Leading me on to better, or worse. Some say we choose our destiny. But I cannot agree, There is someone here with me. RLJ

Ryan, Wow! No matter how many times I read your letters, I never fail to get that sensation. And even a silly little grin that makes everyone wonder what I'm up to. I miss you, too. I keep the pictures of you in my car so I can see you everyday. You are so sexy! I'm not the only one that thinks so either. Some of my friends like to look at my pictures of you, and show everyone what their favorite pose of you is! (My favorite weren't in the pictures!) Beth and I were talking today, and she feels there should be more communication in our relationship. I guess I kind of agree. Maybe sometime we should just sit down and talk about life, maybe share things with each other that we don't know about. I think it would be nice, but it's up to you. There's so much more that we don't know about each other. I didn't try out for that play, but I am going to do speech. I've got to have something else in my life besides band. I fear I wore that out. I figure I can p...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are ya? I'm o-kay- Having a rough time with life right now, but I'm sure I'll make it. I'm considering quitting band, and changing my major. I'm getting sick of it. I worked almost my whole life to get somewhere with music, and sometimes it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.  I'm getting back into drama, and I think I'll do o-kay- I have a try out on Monday. It's the lead role in the 'Invisible Man.' I probably won't get it, but it's worth a try. Maybe I'll get something. Who knows?! My car's not fixed yet. I hope it will be soon though. I miss it. In a few months the windows will be tinted, and I'm going to have an awesome stereo in it. I'm getting a Pioneer CD player. It's sleek. Other than that I've been working a lot. Making mucho dollars so I can hopefully go down to see you for Homecoming. If I do though, I need you to look me up a place to stay if you could. It needs to be as cheap as p...

He invited me over for the evening. He said he needed a friend, but we both knew he was looking for more than just a friend. Perhaps I was, too.  I was wildly curious about being alone with a young man, a young man who seemed to be much like myself. Reserved, shy and repressed. Perhaps somewhat depressed, too... He offered me orange cream champagne in a Coke glass. I was parched and anxious, so I quickly swallowed it down. I slowly melted into the sofa as he casually chatted with me. I then slipped into a hazy, lazy horny champagne cream dream. When I awoke I found myself in the nude with fresh semen on my abdomen. And he was nowhere to be found...

You are my man, My all desire. You are the flame, That burns my fire. You are the shield, That keeps me safe, From all the pain, That I may face. You are the cure, That heals my heart. You are the need, That I can't part. You are the one, I see in light. I know you're there, Into the night.  With Love to Ryan Jevne By: Rita Rosalita

A passage from Act Eighteen, Chapter Eighteen, The Great Escape, "Tap Your Heels Together." We'll need permissions for this one, but it lends itself perfectly to your story Ryan. Let me know your thoughts... "Ryan, you wanted to pursue consciousness for yourself. You should not have chosen it for yourself. But you didn't, it chose you. It called your number. It drafted for you a small life and made impossible demands. You said, “No.” You will say, “It can't be done.” You will say, "I don't want to," and it will laugh at your naivety. It will speak to you in symbols, a language you don’t know. It will shake the stable earth. It will break your mirrors and douse your life with gasoline. It will light your spirit on fire. You will die and give birth to yourself in the same instant, again and again. You will remember that Shakespeare was right, all the world is a stage. You will wonder why you've been playing so small a part. For an instant you ...

"It's not that simple, Ryan. You often remember what you want to forget, and forget what you want to remember. Our memories work this way, despite wanting to dismiss the messy memories. The suffering and the pain cling to your soul, and the joys seem to be only distant, fleeing whispers that you can barely cling to. The catch 22 of memories will haunt you, leaving you to wonder what you are, what you were and what you still might be."

Sat. Sept. 21, 1996 Ryan, Hey hon! Howz it going? I'm doing o-kay- for now. I miss you though. Gosh, this last week has been hard. I got really sick. For a while I thought I was going to end up in the hospital. Last Monday I was showing signs of a premature heart attack. Then as the week went on, I was told I might have an ulcer that was bleeding internally. On Friday my stomach got the best of me, and I finally went home. I slept for 26 hours! I woke up today and finally had the strength to go to work. So maybe everything will be o-kay- 'cause I feel so much better. My muscles still ache a bit, but I'm sure it's all fine now. I gave Beth your number just-in-case something did happen. I'm sure it's all o-kay- now. It just scared me for a while. I was so white, and I looked like shit. Glad you didn't see me. You would've ran like hell. N-E ways. So what have you been doing lately? I wrote you a poem. Hope you like it. It's not spectacular, but I'm...

Ryan, Even though you're so far away, you're in my thoughts every single day. All the passion I saw in your eyes, the way you held me under the starlit skies. As the hues set in and said their prayers, I was next to you and in your cares. I heard your heart say those sweet words, that comfort me every time they're heard. And in my soul I know it is true, when I say I will always love you. Rita Rosalita It's not my best work, but it's from my heart. I love you.

Ryan, In the thick of Act Seventeen, aka Chapter Seventeen, A New Town entitled "Let It Open." You find yourself in an indifferent, ignorant small town, after the man you loved threatened to talk smack and cost you your job, right? But then you discover these delightful and devious group of friends and coworkers that love you and protect you, like family. So you open up the town, and your place of employment, one person at a time. What a beautiful thing!

"Can't you see, Ryan, that loneliness isn't the absence of people, but the absence of meaning and purpose. You've found yourself in a world where things are distant and alien. A place where connections seem superficial and your efforts to understand are met with resistance. You must realize that true loneliness isn't being alone, but feeling alone in a world that makes absolutely no sense at all."

I'm traveling back in time in my mind, to a space and time where there's a debt that cannot be paid, back to the night we first met.  A place where I should have told myself that I wasn't supposed to be there and to not walk along with you. I had all of you and you had most of me, and now we have none of each other.  I go back to the night and I don't know what to do, with the ghost of you, the night we met. The night was full of delight and joy, and lust. When we touched, when you kissed me.  Take me back to the night we met. When I had all of you, most of you and now, none. Take me back to the night we met, where I wasn't haunted by the ghost of the man I once loved.

Mister Ryan, it has been fun chatting. I'm going for my walk in the park and I don't take my phone, so I will say good evening and sweet dreams. Hugs 🤗 

He taunted me, with a bottle of wine, aside a hot tub. A hot tub with friends. He then called me a liar and a thief. Little did he know then that I would take matters into my own hands and expose him for the liar and the thief of my heart.

"You see, Ryan, your true fear of living is not in that the living will end, but the fear of not truly living. It's your fear of waking up every day to face the same fears, the same disappointments, the same pain. The fear that nothing will ever change, that you are trapped in a circle of suffering that you cannot escape. In that fear, there is a desperation, a longing for something, anything, to break the monotony, to bring meaning to the endless repetition of days."

Dear Ryan, Hey Love! I'm just sitting here in my room thinking about you. The only thing I've done all week! It's also the best thing I've done all week! Seriously. My whole week has been pure hell, and I always find peace thinking of you. And why not? You're so sexy! Your hair, your eyes, your hands, your lips. Well, I better stop before I get carried away with myself! I do tend to get carried away at times. It's going to be great though. Being with you. Nothing and no one else matters. Just as long as there is still us, and that picture of you in the tub. By the way, I loved that picture. So did all my friends. Don't worry, they still think you look cute, and I still think you're hot shit! Always. Well, seeing I'll be giving you this note when I see you, I guess you know now that I will not be coming down for Homecoming. I think I need to let a few girls know they can look, not touch! And if it doesn't sink through, I'll just brand it in th...

"I was always a shy guy. But I cured myself of that quickly. It finally occurred to me that people didn't think about me half as much as I gave them credit for. The truth was, nobody gave a damn. Like most teenagers, I was far too self-centered. When I stopped being prisoner to what I worried was others’ opinions of me, I became more confident and free."

"So, Adam Turner came tearing through the liquor store and slapped my ass so hard. It was harassing but also somewhat thrilling! Can we play it back with video and audio please??" "Yeah, of course! What time was it??" "It was at 6:09, I remember exactly. My ass is still burning..."

"Hey Erica, can I bag up your groceries for you??" "Only if you keep the rest of you shut up!" "You know I won't!" "So what's that on your upper lip, Ryan? Are you trying to be a man?!" "I'm growing it out for Spencer's mom..." "Oh, I'll bet you are! At least someone is appreciating it!" "You're only jealous, you know you wanna sit all over this sweet stache!!" "There's not enough of it there to do anything at all..." "It was nice seeing you bitch!" "Fuck off Ryan!!"

Dear Ryan,  I want to make this letter an ode to you. From my heart. I always dream and never wake. Just to save an image of you. I try to give more than I take. I keep close friends to a minimum few. I cherish all our memories made. I look forward to so much more. Knowing our love will never fade, keeps no reason for me to implore. I see a star fall from the sky, and make a wish for you. And as the days fast fly by, I realize that they've all come true. I bathe my mind and wash it clean. To save the room I need. For there's so much more that's to be seen. Once we're in the lead. I make a promise to only you. It's safe inside my heart. I know it shall be accepted and true. It's that our love shall never part! I love you! Rita Rosalita

"So I was gaming last night, playing Fort Nite, and guess who popped up and invited me to play??" "I'm guessing by your mutual nerd, geek styles and lack of friends, I'm thinking Jesse...??" "No way! How'd you guess?" "I'm a psychic nerd, I know things!" "Cool. Guess what his screen name is?!" "No clue..." "Squirts Poopy!"

"Hey Ryan, we need to talk..." "If it's about the milk order, I don't wanna hear about it. Go ruffle someone else's feathers this morning, I'm not in the mood for it..."

Dear Ryan, I spent a moment with you, but it felt like an eternity. If only I could imagine an eternity with you, I imagine that would be too, too much. Given the moment with you, an eternity would absolutely blow my mind. James

"Have you seen those two together? Him and his little sidekick?? If one didn't know any better you'd think they were secretly gay..." "You mean Brandon and Jesse?" "Yes. They are cute together. But certainly not gay..." "Of course not. But have you seen the sidekicks side kick? Whenever he says something he hopes is witty, he'll skip to the side and kick, it's cute, and only a little bit gay..." "Yep, I've seen it, cute, maybe a little gay, but he certainly doesn't swing that way..."

He left his soul, In the ghost town. In the ghost town, The ghost town of his soul.

"Life wasn't that way, Ryan! I don't remember it that way. You remember things all wrong, so mixed up..." "No, I remember them perfectly. You just don't want to go back to those places with me, because they hurt."

My foundation was shaken, my true blue way to deal with that was to vanish, but my departures were getting old. So I stood there in the room, shaking in my boots. At that time, my love, I challenged myself to stay, at that particular time. I thought a break would be good, and so for months I let us sit, paralyzed. I knew you needed to soar, so low and so high, to define what you needed. I knew I needed more time, time spent alone, with no distractions. At that particular time, my love, I challenged myself to stay, it helped me to be alone. At that particular time. 

Why Ryan? You don't need me, you won't forgive me. You shut me out when I needed you most. That's not love... James

Been sitting, drinking, smoking, waiting, gossiping, bull-shitting, dealing, rambling and thinking. The place JB's. Friends to entertain me, flatter me and keep me happy. Unlikely friends, but true, loyal and honest. Part of me wants to leave, but a bigger part wants to stay. Amongst the people that I love. People that fill the void given to me by the woman that I love, and pitifully always will. The best friend I had, lost forever... Regrets. Friends are my savior. Never had so many. Grateful I am. Lost love, found friends. Guess I lost, but I gained so much. They are my family now. My real family, I'm pushing away, I guess because I lost mine. Selfish, I know, insensitive, yes. Why do I run from them? Good question. Can't honestly answer that. I know they love me, I know they miss me. An empty bedroom and useless possessions are a constant reminder to them of a lost son. A son they raised with love, patience and unlimited understanding. I'm breaking my Mother's he...

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm doing fine. Gosh. I don't know what to think. Everything is happening so fast. I mean, two weeks ago I didn't figure on getting back together with you, and saying what I'm about to say. I know that I've never actually written you a sentimental letter before. I don't know why. I guess there's not as much feeling in it as a person to person deal. So here it goes. Please take to heart my words, and never let them die. Ryan, I love you so much. The time we've been together has been good to me. The time we were apart made me realize what I needed. You. But it was good for us to break off, because I am now more in love with you than I ever was. I find myself looking for you everywhere I go. I think about you. And about us. I know that through the many years to come we may disagree, and maybe argue over many things, but we will always love one another. I know you will take care of me, and stay close through the hard times. W...

"You need to understand your defense mechanisms, Ryan." "Do I?  "Yes, you do." "How can I understand them if I don't even know where they are??" "They live in your unconscious mind. That's where you'll find them." "There are only shadows in my unconscious mind." "Then go there, for that is where the work must be done."

"I can't believe they're stopping us in the middle of the night for this!" It wasn't the middle of the night. She always was one for over-exaggerating. The sun had gone down about an hour ago and we had to stop for some construction purposes. They were widening the Yellowstone Highway. Traffic was heavy during regular tourist seasons.  She had her best friend in the passengers seat and her boyfriend next to me in the back. We passed the time by cracking sex jokes and blowing up condoms. I was seventeen at the time and had forced myself to grow up way too fast. She was a year older, but no more experienced than I was. I guess we both knew what would happen when I came to Pahaska that Summer. It was inevitable. My Dad, the whole way up to Cody kept saying things like, "You know, you don't want to be working at Mini-Mart the rest of your life." He was never one for talking about things that really mattered, he only hinted around. He was trying to tell m...

August 8th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good I hope. Ryan, don't stop writing me. That hurts. It's like you don't want to be my friend anymore. Is that what you really want? Ryan, I want to get back together with you, but I wanted to do it in person, not on pen and paper. There are so many things I want to say to you, but there's not enough time. Forever may seem long enough, but I wish for so much more. I think about you constantly. Every waking hour, until the sun sets. You are in my dreams. I had one of you the other night. It was cool, you'll hafta hear about it. I know you've probably fallen in love with someone else, but I haven't. You make me feel like no one else has. You do something to me, like a power no other man possesses. Ryan, I love you. I will always love you. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I want to come see you, but I have to know, do you want to see me? If you don't, I can't honestly say I'll understand, bu...

Hey there Mr. Midnight,  How are you, out there checking on the moonlight? I sure do miss you. I hope you miss me, too. Sweet dreams, Ryan

He was always waiting, Waiting for forever.  Waiting for a forever, A forever of evers. Yet that forever, Was always right now. The forever of evers, Was always now.

"Hey Mr. Ryan Bloggington, what are you blogging about tonight?!" "I guess you'll have to log in to find out Mr. Blah Blah Blah Blahington!!!"

I don't go to sleep to dream, I go to sleep to escape my world. I close my eyes and hope that in the morning I'll be someone else. But that doesn't happen. I'm the same me I was last night, miserable and lonely, by choice. Making the wrong moves, yet warned every time I turn around. Living for the moment, on the edge, waiting for the consequences. That's the worst, it eats me up. Crying out won't solve anything. I'd rather leave this world than break the silence. There's no such thing as a simple life. I've tried to keep it simple and clear, but step by step I've made it complex. Clouding my sheltered life with fear, my mind keeps spinning. The world I once knew has forever been changed. I don't go to sleep to dream. I go to sleep to escape my world. In the morning I'll be someone else, but that never happens.

"Everyone needs someone. Obviously, everyone knows that. Every baby needs a mother, or someone to be there to give them solace. But some of us, included in this are, or think that they are, or should be, or have to be, for whatever reason, independent. I know how it is, 'I can do it, let me do it, I can handle it.' If I were to lose everything but independence, I'd live. No, wait, I lied, I wouldn't be happy, or as happy as I would like to, and want to be. That someone that I need, or needed - no, not need. Crave, hunger for, breathing just to be next to, isn't. Isn't as in not there anymore. I just couldn't take that, I wouldn't. It's like someone at the back gates of heaven before birth saying that you cannot go, because, well, your purpose just isn't anymore. Even after you've fallen from heaven. Understand?" "No, I do not..." "Of course you don't. I'm not in the group most people would vote most easily und...

Evening Ryan, Chapter Twelve aka Act Twelve entitled 'A Breakdown' is in the works. When you say, "Well, some people do go both ways..." and go into the revelation of your bisexuality, there's a string of men and boys you fooled around with. Who is the one who said, "Ryan, why didn't you come out sooner, we could've had so much more." ??? You've got to tell me the whole story with him, please!

"Hey Ryan..." "Hey Frank, how's your night??" "It fucking sucks! I'm pissed at my son..." "So, what can I get for you??" "I was gonna stick to my NA, but fuck it! Give me some of that Black Velvet on the bottom shelf, too. I'm gonna need it..." "Are you doing okay, Frank??" "No. Steven's moving to Miles City. He sold his house and now I have no place to store my car. He doesn't care about me anymore..."

July 19, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! What's going on? Hope all is swell. My life is all work, no play. It sucks. One good thing happened today. Well two actually. I got a letter from you, that always brings me much joy, and I bought a car! It's so cool. It's a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird. It's a white, four door mean machine. It's super nice, and the guy gave me a super deal on it. I got it for $1600, and it's retail value is about $3000. Pretty cool, huh? I'm so happy. He's gonna get some stuff fixed up on it, and I get it Monday. My parents are going to pick it up while I'm at work, and go get plates and insurance, and then it's all mine! Finally. As soon as I get my next couple of paychecks I'll get down to see ya. -k- Now I have some spiffy wheels to get down there.  I think it's so awesome that you're learning how to play the piano. Trust me, you'll love it. I can't keep myself off my keyboard. It's so fantastic to have somethi...

"Hey Ryan, you'd better be ready for some serious ridicule from Brandon about your mustache..." "Oh, I'm already ready! I know exactly what I'm going to come back with..." "Oh, really, what are you gonna say??" "I'm gonna say, 'I was thinking that I wanted to have a silly, sexy mustache just like Jesse, so maybe he'd take me more serious and someday I could maybe wear a white shirt just like Jesse...' " "Seriously??" "No, not seriously! I'm growing the mustache out for a role I'm playing in a melodrama at the museum..." "That's one dirty upper lip man!" "Yes sir, yes it is! You don't wanna know where this lip has been lately!"

Randy was hatching strange and dangerous thoughts of who and how and what. So many thoughts. Who he was going to use to get what he wanted. How he was going to use those people to get what he wanted. People are people. Things are things. People turn ugly. But a thing of beauty is a joy forever. Mary Poppins knew what she was talking about! She was practically perfect in every way... The Ruby Slippers were a thing of beauty, and Randy wanted them for that reason and so many more. They represented innocence lost and home found, the impossible journey and happy endings, friendship, love, companionship and belonging. They also represented death, obsession, conflict, betrayal, stealing, lying, secrets, money and sex. The Ruby Slippers were Randy's obsession, and holding a pair ultimately possessed him, come what may...

"This book made my physically sick at some points, moist eyed in others, with rock hard erections at some points. Read this book with caution, and curiosity." ~ Pete O'Han 

"Life mixes up marvelous messes, and this book is one mixed up mess of memories, meltdowns, mistaken mayhem and magic. T'would be a mistake not to read this magic of a book!"  ~ Natasha Myhym

"Small town trash always gets to the heart of fleshy stories. This book is a prime example. Read this trash!" ~ Rich Grande

"You're a beautiful soul Ryan. You shouldn't question your worth based on the way one wicked man supposedly loved you. That kind of love wasn't love, because if it really was love, why, after all, would you feel so unlovable??"

Sitting there across the restaurant, in a totally different world. I see you, I know you exist. You say "hi." And so do I.  I knew you once and you knew me too. But the true you never shines through. We choose our own reality, but our tastes are not the same. Our eyes meet occasionally, only when it's necessary. Yet it's not enough. Maybe tomorrow you'll have more to say. So I'll save that hope for then. Words unsaid, gestures ungiven, wasted time. I wish you would talk to me Ryan.

Ryan, I still don't know you, although I've known of you. Others have more to say about you than you do. It's hard to know if what they say is true. You hide behind masks of insecurities, only worried about the necessities, never waiting for a moment of realism. You seem to want others in your life, yet you always avoid the moments that matter. I'm wildly curious about you and would like to get to know you better.  James

"It must have been a great joy for you Ryan, knowing Steven got his butt ripped for those gift cards, huh?" "No. I just felt sorry for him. He's a good man and he deserves good things, he just doesn't appreciate those good things while he has them, that's all." "You were one of those good things, I'm sure. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate you, Ryan."

“Ryan, your constant lying is aimed at making people believe lies. You should ensure that no one believes anything. When they can no longer distinguish between truth and lies, they cannot distinguish between right and wrong. And such a people, deprived of the power to think and judge are without knowing and willing it, completely subjected to the rule of lies. With such a people, you can do whatever you want. With all this in mind, continue to write. Write on, Ryan, write on!"

Good evening Ryan, I'm in the process of piecing together Act Eleven, or Chapter Eleven, entitled Fatherhood Failure. There's a scene in here where you see yourself dying, as a premonition. Then the NDE happens, right? I feel the NDE should come just before the Intermission, or chapter break, not after. Go back to the point where she says, "You see that!? That's how much longer you've got to be alive!" Tell me what your thoughts are here, we need more. You need to tell me everything you remember!

I miss you! What happened?? Brandon and his wife BOTH decided to chide and belittle me IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS AND EMPLOYEES!! Of course Nicole also had to chime in and it was all over answering the FUCKING PHONE! I wrote a very well-worded resignation letter though... I should've made you a copy! Piece it together for me please Mari! I started politely... It is with regret that I inform you of my resignation effective immediately. I am very grateful for the opportunity to learn the grocery business and appreciate the guidance and friendships I have obtained while employed at Blair's. I am extremely well educated and diverse and do not believe that individuals are better than anyone, regardless of their perceived notions of their economic or social status. I believe a LEADER should be just that. Someone an employee can admire and respect for their knowledge and forthcoming... not someone who belittles and degrades someone and treats others as servants... then I said something a...

"I got your boy in a lot of trouble yesterday, by the way..." "Oh did you??" "Yes. He was given donation gift cards for the Barbecue and Bluegrass Festival to award as prizes. And after our generosity he made some really ugly and ungrateful statements on stage. It was embarrassing. I had people come to me with complaints. Can you believe that!?!" "I totally believe that, yes. His mouth runs away with itself, he can't help it. It's ugly sometimes, I don't think he even realizes it. One of the reasons I left that man." "You did the right thing Ryan."

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay- Just trying to enjoy my four-day-weekend. I hafta go back to work Monday. Bummer. But hey, it's money in pocket! I have every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off for sure, so if you want to come up, those would be the best days. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Riverton at the end of the Summer to see you. Hopefully sooner, but we'll see. So anyway. What have you been up to? Having fun? Well don't have too much fun without me. If you get the chance to come up here, I have a whole night of fun planned for us. So hurry if ya can! Trust me, you WILL like it! (I hope.) If you can think of anything to do, let me know. I'll do my best to get down to Riverton as soon as I can. -K- Well, I don't know what more to say. I still love ya. Lots! I hope to see you soon. Real soon! Write Back Soon! Love Always, Rita Rosalita I love you.  Sorry So Sloppy