gayNwyo

"Remember when you told me that one of the last things he said to you was to keep the light, and to not let the darkness inside? He was right you know. You let the darkness inside of you, and maybe he is or is not to blame for that, but let's leave him out of this. Sometimes the darkness comes from the pain and the anger. Are you still going through the pain and the anger?" "Yes. The anger and the pain are still there, but only from time to time. Now, mostly it's just a hollow sort of aching in my heart, like a numb void in my guts. These last several months have been a dark chapter in my life. I've had some dark chapters, but this one by far is my darkest. Sometimes I wake up and think that this can't possibly be my life, but it is. Then an even darker thought enters my mind, perhaps I deserve this dark chapter, because I've been writing myself into this dark chapter for some time now."

When I prayed, The prayers didn’t go my way. Then I questioned, What did such a boy as I do, Do to deserve this? That's when I questioned God.

"Guess what just happened Ryan?!" "What?!" "So I'm just here minding my business, selling booze to idiot alcoholics in this dumb ass town, and this guy rolls through the drive through asking for some certain shit..." "Yeah..." "So I gave him his shit and his change and then he says I gave him the wrong shit, but I didn't. Then he threw a quarter at my face and drove off. Can you believe that?!" "I believe that. This town is full of the most interesting people." "He was a condescending cock sucker!"

If I showed up at your doorstep tonight, would you forgive me? 

"You'll see their souls first, Ryan. And then you'll see their vessels. Their souls will haunt you. But their vessels will take them away. Worry not. They'll take themselves away every time."

Dear Ryan, Hey there! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better! Lately I've been real sick, and I haven't had much time to do anything. I also have finals for school all next week, so my schedule's pretty tight, but not enough to keep me getting a letter from you! Ryan, you are not an insensitive jerk. I could break that girls' nose for saying that to you, who ever she was. I've never felt that you were, and never will. I've thought long and hard about your question of if I'll take you back. I feel that we really need to talk about this in person. It would be so much easier for the both of us.  Ryan, I want someone with me, in person. Someone I can go places with. Bill promised me that, but hasn't taken the time to fulfill that promise yet. I just feel so lonely. I go out with my friends, and they have their boyfriends with them, and I'm always alone. If you could come up here once in awhile, it would be different. June 10th I sta...

"Hey, will you two stop fighting over there..." "Oh, we're not fighting, this is just how we talk." "Yeah, we've never really had a fight with each other, yet." "Yeah, not yet. Maybe the day will come, who knows?" "Nope, I'm not a fighter. I will run away and cry in the bathroom before I fight..."

At night, When I'm all alone, My thoughts, They turn to you. They remember you, And how we were, When we were alone, Just me and you. You and I feeling, We were all we needed, All we needed in the world. Now here we are alone, Both wondering why, When we were all we needed, Why we're so alone now.

"If anyone could stop for a moment long enough to look me in my eyes, there they would see my soul, and how much it needs saving. If they could see through my smile, they would know I was truly dying inside."

"She and I are gonna have a come to Jesus moment real soon! We're gonna have some words. She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips, but she's not. She ain't even the wrapper of the chip bag!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself Ryan. We've all been through things. You've been through some hellish things, and you've lost people you love. You probably remember things in a different way then they do. I seem to remember you saying that you disassociate and disconnect when you are hurting, especially from memories. Your mind has a way of protecting itself from reliving the hard memories, and sometimes those memories can change." "That's true, and it's also true that when you recall a memory, you're only remembering the last time you remembered it, so it changes how you recall it. I think I must have remembered that night all wrong."

He created a smokescreen blog to protect himself from a man he once loved. A man that couldn't love him, even though he wanted to, ever so much. Yet in the end, they still loved each other, ever so much. In the end. The End.

He's still the one, Still the one that stirs my dreams. Still the man, Still the one who haunts, Who haunts my nightmares. He's always there, In my dreams,  In my nightmares, Always there.

"Seems you're the odd man out every time Ryan, I'm sorry about that." "No need to be sorry, I'm used to being the odd man out. Actually, I love being the odd man out."

"So, you believe in this resurrection business, Ryan, as far as the Mormon theology goes?" "Absolutely not. We will never get our bodies back. But our souls, they will go on, they will go on to more immaculate places than this. Why would we ever want our bodies back on this Earth? Once around seems quite enough to me."

"What the devil, Ryan!? Why are you doing all this fucking shit?! The blog, the book, the bullshit?!" "Because it's my story, my truth, my real life. Now it's gonna be out there, for all the world to see. I could care less. This is me!"

"Hey there Ryan, how are you doing?" "I'm doing fine, thanks." "Really. You know I've been reading your blogs, you've got some pretty deep stuff there." "Yeah, it's been really popular. So many people are reading it. It's been cathartic putting it out there, not caring who reads it..." "I'll bet you didn't think I was one of those people, did you?!" "No, I did not."

"So, Ryan, how many times today do you think he's checked up on your blog?" "At least four. Maybe more over night." "How could you know that?!" "Because I'm a psycho psychic son of a bitch, that's why! That's why he loved me so much..."

Dear Ryan Gosh. I'm speechless. Thanks for worrying about me, but I'll be okay. I don't live alone. My parents are in the apartment right above mine, and they watch me like a hawk. Besides, I'm a good girl. I sort of took offense to you saying that it was pointless to write to me anymore, just because I've changed. Ryan, you knew I wasn't going to be sixteen forever. Sooner or later I had to grow up. Take responsibilities and become a little more independent. And I have, but deep down inside I'll always be the same person I've been. I'll always love you. No matter how much I change, that will always stay the same. This Summer I want to take a weekend off, and come see you, just you. No one else. It will give us a chance to talk. Hopefully it will be a chance to show you that I've changed for the better. Change is good, trust me. Well, I don't know what more to say. Please write back soon. It's not pointless. Not to me anyway. I love you. ...

"So, that new girl, you better keep that bitch away from me, or I'm going to punch her in the face!" "Whoa, ok. That seems pretty extreme, it's only her third day. Maybe give the girl a chance, she seems ok to me." "She's not ok. She won't listen to me, she wants to tell me how to do my job. Fuck that bitch, she can stay the fuck away from me..." "Ok, I'm walking away now. I still say, give her some time. Be nice. Let's just try harder tomorrow, deal?" "What the fuck ever, bitch will still be the same dumb bitch tomorrow..."

At midnight I look out the shades And up into the sky My thoughts trail off And focus on A very special guy At one o'clock I go inside And lay back in my bed I think of you And start to cry And then cover up my head At school I walk A somber sleep That no one seems to break And when the day Comes to an end My somber sleep shall break On the stars I comfort you And hold you by my side I tell my dreams and fantasies To you I will confide But days are strange And weakening From black into dark blue I think the stars have finally proved My love for you is true

Ryan, Since this blog has exploded like it has, my advice to you is to limit access to it. Make it a hit and miss, sort of limited edition thing. If this book is going to be a success, we can't have all these people reading it on a blog for free, can we?

"He came through here screaming about all this nonsense, making an ugly spectacle of himself. Then he watched to see how we'd react. And we didn't react at all. You should have seen the look on his face. It was three parts, one part funny, one part tragic and one part sad. So sad. I wish you could have seen it."

"Hey bitch, I heard that you were here looking for me the other day, and you wanted to punch me in the nuts!?!" "That's right! He cornered me at the livestock sale, what the hell, Ryan?!" "I'm sure he did!" "Then he said, 'way to become famous!' And I was like, 'what the fuck was that all about?!' And he was all like, 'oh you know!' " "Yeah, he's so steaming hot all the time, angry as hell. He comes in here running his mouth all the time." "Sounds like Steven drama to me. I'm still gonna punch you in the nuts!"

"Hey, Ryan. Are you doing ok?" "No, I'm not. Why do you ask?" "Because I could see it on your face, that you weren't ok, so I thought I should ask." "You're a sweet man for asking, and even sweeter for seeing it on my face."

Are you still out there? Still reading all this? Do you still care? Are you still aware? Still aware that I love you? Absolutely! No matter what! Because that's what love is. It always cares,  It's always aware, It's always there,  Always absolute. Always love.

"Ugh, that man just won't leave my mind, he's there all the time, teasing my brain, and my other places. In my dreams, when I wake up. Why the hell won't he just leave me alone?!" "Because he's the one for you, Ryan, that's why! The sooner you face it, the sooner you'll stop torturing yourself!"

"Hey, Ryan, you should try one of my cupcakes!" "Ok, let me eat that shit all in one bite!" *Eats cupcake in one bite* "Damn, that's so good I just nutted in my mouth!" "I knew you'd like that shit!"

April 6th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm o-kay- but I'm about to tell you something that might make you very unhappy. From previous letters you have written me, I can tell that you have unresolved feelings for Erin. Lately Bill and I have been talking, and I've found that we also have unresolved feelings for each other. He still cares a great deal for me, and in all honesty, I still have strong feelings for him. I think maybe we should break things off for awhile, and resolve these feeling for other people. Don't get me wrong, I still love you very much, but if our relationship is ever going to work, we need to get these kinds of things out of the way. I hope you understand, and I also want you to keep writing to me. I still want to come see you this Summer, that's if you want me to. Remember, this is only a test to prove how much we really love each other. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I love you, now, and forever. Love Always, Ri...

Brian slid a fat stack of potato pancakes onto the table for Ryan. "Would you like some butter and maple with that?" "You know me too well, sweet man, yes please!" "Coming right up!" Brian slid his sweet bum into the chair opposite Ryan. "So, after breakfast, we should skip straight to afternoon delight..." "Of course, Brian!" "I knew that my sexy psychopath would get hot after eating my pancakes!"

"Oh, and one thing more. He said he was screen shooting all of your blogs..." "Whoa! Just when I thought it couldn't get any more bizarre. But, strangely, at the same time, that zings my heart strings."

"This town is wicked, wicked little Worland. The way people talk shit about each other in this place is horrible. Just listen to how they all talk, it's atrocious. Sure, they may be a friend to your face, but watch out! As soon as you leave the room, you bet your sweet ass they'll start running their dirty mouth about who ever the fuck just left...!"

Dear Rita, Yeah, I got your letter. I'm very unhappy. I never thought the day would come. I guess it's better for you this way, but hell if it is for me. Why? The feeling's I've got for Erin aren't even close to the loads I've got for you. Thanks for being honest with me, though, I respect that. But, if you really did love me, you'd wait for me. All this "unresolved" crap has nothing to do with us. If you loved Bill more, I'd understand, but I don't. So, there's something you still aren't telling me. What is it? I was right when I said we'd never last without seeing each other. You said nothing would change, I believed you, but now, God I'm starting to cry. I'm sorry it had to go this way, but it's totally your decision. If you want it this way, I'm not gonna fight it. As for Erin, I want nothing to do with her. Some test, I'll fail. Knowing that you're with someone else is tearing me apart. I'll neve...

"Don't turn on the light. Nothing is ever real when it's light. It's only ever real when it's dark, dark and still. For it's only in the dark when you absolutely have to rely on nothing other than what you are feeling. Keep me in the dark, Ryan, keep me in the dark..."

"So I went and asked Mari if I could bag groceries for her, and she said, 'You can suck my dick!' " "Bahahahaha!! Really?! I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing, but that's so funny..." "Well, I don't think it's funny. I'm talking with Tessa tomorrow, I'm going to quit if this keeps happening. I'm already on antidepressants and this shit isn't helping..."

"You know, Ryan, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all. He leaned over my register and sadly said, 'I don't know why he always runs away from me when I'm here...' " "Really?! Did it seem like genuine emotion??" "Yes it did. He was sad. And in his eyes, I could see that he was hurting, and that somehow he still cared very deeply for you. I don't know what happened between you two, but his heart was on his sleeve, and it was still beating madly for you..."

"So, I'm curious how you're going to turn this blog into a book or a novel or whatever? How are you going to do it?" "The material is all there, it just needs organized into chapters." "How are you going to handle the juicy chapter about the grocery store gossip? That could get sloppy and dicey. Using small town names like that, aren't you worried you might expose some people? Won't those people retaliate in some way? Aren't you afraid how that may play out?" "Not at all. I'll naturally have to change the names to protect the innocent, and the guilty. It may get sloppy, dicey, and yeah, it might expose some people. But so what?! Sooner or later in a small town everyone is exposed in one way or another anyhow..."

"So, for some reason, your supposed ex felt the need to unload on me when he came through my lane, like I'm his therapist or something..." "Well, he definitely needs one, that's for sure..." "He was going on and on about whatever it was, like I really cared to begin with. All I had to say was, 'stop living in the past and just move on.' " "I know why he is doing it. He knows if he runs his mouth in here at all that it will get back to me. So, here we are..."

He had one last something, One last something inside him. So he gave that one last something, Yet that one last something wasn't enough. 

I just got paid again for the month and insurance was taken out again. I know you say you can't do that amount, but anything you can do would help. I'm not made of money and I'm struggling. Any reimbursement would be very much appreciated and helpful. I am not asking for anything more than what a decree states. Honestly, for my step kids, we half everything. Sports, school, clothes, medical, dental, insurance and we pay child support (more than you do for the two in my 100% custody) with 50% custody of 3 of them.  We need help with the costs. Valerie’s a wonderful dancer and is invited to competition teams and I have to tell her we can't. I can barely afford the minimum one night a week.  I'm not trying to accuse or blame or fight, just hoping you could see my position. Asking for money is hard, but they are OUR kids and I don't ask for much.  We once promised OUR kids at my bedside that we would be a family no matter what, that we would be there for each other ...

He thought he'd had the last laugh, that he'd silenced him with threats of screenshot. Little did he know that there was little to no evidence to go on, for it was all an illusion. The whole time. Just a story to keep him going...

Dear Ryan, Hey! How's my dumplin' doin? Good I hope. I'm doin o-kay-, but would be doin a whole lot better if you were here. Sorry about bein' stupid that one night. I guess I should know better from now on. But don't ease down, cause it gets a lot worse. I went down to Casper with the band last week, and I got to see Hannah. It was so cool. We, me, Melissa, Jeff and Dwight went to band class and hung out with them. See, we were with the basketball band, and they let us do whatever we wanted to on Friday, as long as it was within walking distance from the Hotel. So we went to N.C. the whole day, was rather weird. That night Dwight got caught with marijuana in his room, and they came in my room looking for some, but didn't find any. So they suspended me and Melissa from band for the rest of the trip. They arrested Dwight and carted him off to jail. Even though they didn't find any in our room, they kept us a suspects because we had spent the day with Dwight. ...

Ryan,  Seems we're going to wrap this book up rather quickly. Damn, it's gonna be good! And the blog just keeps getting better. And all the letters, you say there's more?! We could make another book, all those words they wrote. Maybe a memior would be better? Let me think... I'll get back with you after I talk with our publishers.  I'm falling in love with you just reading all your posts, over and over.  Keep it up Ryan!

"Your nemesis is only a reflection of you and all the things that you love and hate about yourself. He'll continue to be there, around all the corners you are trying to avoid. Sooner or later you'll have to face him, and in that moment you'll see yourself and all the things you love and hate, both in him and in yourself."

"I either sleep too much or too little. Lately I've been awake when I'm asleep, and sleeping while I'm awake. It's as if I can't tell the difference between my reality and my dreams. There's this mad mix up and it's breaking my brain into bits of chaos." "That's disturbing." "Yes it is. But it's also beautiful. Now I can dip into both worlds and then make sense of both. It's a strangely dangerous place to be."

"Dogs bark with bated breath, Ryan. That's what they do. Don't let this small town destroy you. That man has got nothing on you. Just think yourself lucky that you escaped him as you did. He lost you, and he's the fool. Luck has always been on your doorstep. Fortune will find you sooner or later. Chin up, dear man."

"So, let's begin Ryan. Another new day, another session. Where would you like to start today?" "I can't even begin. It's a new day, but it feels like yesterday all over again. I don't see how another session will make any difference at all." "Well, then, if that's your attitude, we may not get anywhere at all today..." "Yes, but we will." "How so?" "You see, I have so much within me that I must bring forth, and bringing those things forth will save me. I fear that if I don't bring those things forth that sooner or later those things will destroy me..." "Now we're getting somewhere. Let's discuss those things..."

Bleep the bleep deep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep dee bleep.

"Now is the time, Ryan! Now is the time to be you! I don't care what any one has to say about you. Be you, Ryan, be you!"

There's no place like now, To be here and now. Why can't we all just be here, Here and now?

"What the fuck, Ryan!? Your gay blog has gone viral!" "That's the last thing I wanted, but oh well, let it be..."

"What's that on your jacket, Ryan?" "Banana juice." "Oh, is that was you call it?!" "That's what it is." "If you say so..."

"Hey Ryan! Erica came through my line, and guess what?!" "I already know..." "She was all like, 'Where is Ryan?! I'm looking for him...' I told her you were at lunch..." "I'm sorry I missed her. She text me earlier about he who must not be named..." "She said if she found you she was gonna punch you in the nuts..."

Why did Steven corner me? Steven who?? U know who. He said 'way to become famous.' Nice! 🙄 I don't appreciate it. If you put something out there about me please remove it.  It's been removed a long time ago. It may be in a book someday, but don't worry, no names will be used. 😉

My Dearest Darling Rita, You probably don't want to read this, but read it anyway. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and I, for the things I've done. I never meant to destroy the one thing that was supposed to last forever. I felt I had to tell you, because if I hadn't told you, what chance would this marriage have of being? I know you're hurting right now and I know you're scared of getting hurt again. But as surely as I'm living and I'm breathing in the hopes that there is still something here worth saving, I promise you that I'll never hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you in any way again. I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I've done. I know you want to though. I want you to, too. However long it does take you to forgive me, I'm willing to wait. That's the price I'm willing to pay for you, and I will.  I love you so much that every day I am away from you it feels as if a piece of me is dying inside....

Hey there Ryan. I know I just met you and all, but you are one fascinating guy! We talked all night, but I wish I could figure you out. You left me wanting and asking so many questions. Text me in the morning you charming fucker!

8/13/2001 Dear Rita, We aren't getting anywhere not communicating. This won't work one-sided. I'm getting a little impatient. I can only give so much when I'm not getting anything back. I said I wouldn't give up on this, but I am. I don't want conditional love anymore. "I'll love you and be there for you, if you do this..." If that's the kind of love you're offering? No thanks. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what I'm going through. For better or for worse. You've proven to me that you can't be there for me, because you don't want to be there for me. I'm not the only one who's breaking vows here. And I won't be made to feel I'm solely responsible for the breakdown of this marriage. You kicked me out, shut me out and broke my heart. Call it tough love if you want, well I don't want that. If you can't deal with me now, I don't want to deal with you and yours. Living apart will only...

My tender Brian returned to me in a sweet and sexy dream. I rubbed my lips into his lovely furry, ginger chest and whispered gently, "I love you, Brian." He reluctantly surrendered, "I love you, too, Ryan." I awoke with peace, love and forgiveness. Love knows no space or time.

My whole life I've been searching. I've been divided, undefined. Digging my heels into the earth, like a tree, wanting to live for a reason. Earth is my home. Loving is not a sin. We are all bad. We are all good, just as the Moon has its' phases. First she's a dark stone, now she is shining. If you've seen my heart, and seen its' colors, you know it needs guidance. Just as the Earth needs the Moon.

"What do you remember, Mother? From my childhood. Was there anything that could've made you think that maybe I was different from everyone else?" "I remember when your Father took your older brother fishing and you wanted to go too, but he said he couldn't handle both of you. You were crying at the door when they left because you didn't get to go. It broke your little heart. He could've taken you, he just didn't want to, and you knew that. I held you as you cried. It was then that I knew you were delicate and definitely different."

He was like the words to a song I'd almost forgotten. I knew the tune, but not the words. He came along and reminded me. He taught me the words, and he already knew the tune, somehow. We sang a long forgotten song of love. One we had sang so many lifetimes ago. There we were, once again, he and I, singing our song of love.

Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How are ya? O-kay- here. Well basically school sucks, but of course that's understandable. A girl that I thought was my friend went and told another friend of mine something that wasn't true, and that started a big chain of events that are never gonna end. That's o-kay- though, cause they're all scared of me, and all I hafta do is threatin them, and it'll send them all squealing like pigs. I bitched out Beth, the one that ran her mouth off and started all this, and she started crying and kept asking what she could do to fix things, and I told her to keep her mouth shut, cause that's what started all this in the first place. Can you believe all this happened in the last two days?! Word travels fast around here. Seems like people have nothing better to do than discuss my personal life. But hey, if I'm that important in their life, then so be it! I'm doing awesome in band. My band teacher basically made it obvious I made drum major nex...

Ryan, hey honey! Sorry my letter worried you. I was worried that it would make you mad. Thanx for understanding. Don't worry though. I still love you. Lots! How are you doing? Your Grandma said you were in a car accident. I was so worried. I hope to God you are alright. I'm also sorry I didn't get the chance to see you when I came down. I only had a limited time to goof off before I had to get back to Cody. I was so upset that I couldn't see ya, but oh well. I'll hopefully be down to Riverton soon, and we can catch up on everything we missed. I'll be down there for sure this Spring, for a few days. Me and Kay are gonna spend a few days in Riverton, and then go down to Casper for a week during our Spring Break. She promised me and you lots of time alone. So let's make the most of it!  I'm teaching a sign language class once a week. It's pretty cool. Gives me something to do in my spare time anyway! So, I dunno what else to say. I got ya a few pictures...

"See what happens, Ryan!!" She screamed in my face.  She was a tiny fireball of feisty flames, both on stage and off. She never held that energy back, and now I was in her crossfire. "What's got you so burning hot, I wonder?!" I asked as I took a long hard drag from my smoke outside the stage doors. But I already knew why she was so flaming hot. "Oh, you know damn well, Ryan! You may be a great actor in there on stage, but not out here in the daylight, not out here in the real world. I can see you for who you are, and so can everyone else!" "Oh really?!?" "Yes, asshole! Stay away from Jonah! I love him!" "Yes mam. But if you don't mind me saying so, he came after me. Have you seen him for who he really is, in the daylight, in real life?? Maybe that's what's got you so mad hot... maybe he's not so mad hot for you anymore..." "Fuck off, Ryan!!!" She slammed the stage doors as she went back inside, l...

"I keep most everything that comes into my life, tangibly, that is either a memory, attached to a memory or is sentimental in nature. I'm a sentimental hoarder. I have treasures stashed away everywhere. In rooms, in closets, in trunks and in boxes. Letters and momentos, all of them somehow attached to my past, from certain moments in time, now only memories." "I find that very special. Objects carry imprints from people and places. They hold energy. They are vessels that can be filled with either good energy, or bad. Mostly residual energy, lingering human energy. Pieces like these can tell you a story if you hold them so close to your eyes. But, beware, objects are no longer objects if a spirit or soul forms an unnatural relationship, attachment or obsession with them. When these energies are vented into an object, it becomes more than an object, it becomes an affect. Each piece you keep is capable of telling part of your story. Beware which you hold too closely, an...

Love Love what a crazy thing to possess your mind to let your heart sing Why does it have to happen to me Why can't God just let my heart be What Will become of this love Will it survive And soar on further above Please don't leave me crying A stranger of the world love What a funny thing. I love you! Rita Rosalita

"Sacrifice followed by reward, and nothing but love." The stones had spoke to me when tossed out of the bottle and onto my homemade Ouija board. I wasn't sure at which stage of life I was currently in. I'm surrounded by love, from almost every direction. That truly matters if I may die tonight. I've made many sacrifices. I'd been rewarded greatly. My pride stood in the way in most, if not all, of these phases of my life. Yet, there was nothing but immaculate love. Yesterday, my son and I made broomsticks out of branches and twigs from the dead Weeping Witch of the Wests' back yard. We stole them from there and made some incredibly magical broomsticks for ourselves. Can something truly be stolen from a dead witch?? We played in the garage together. We sat and we talked in the grass, in the Spring sun, soon to be Summer sun, my son and I. 

"I'm scared Daddy. I'm exhausted. Something is coming after me..." "There, there, nothing is coming after you." "There was too, coming in the window." "Nothing is coming in the window. There's nothing out there, must've been a bad dream..." "Daddy, what makes a dream?" "Only your imagination, so imagine a dream where you're not scared or exhausted and that no one is coming after you. No window. Just walls. Sleep now, my son."

Forever Love Such a funny thing Unexpected growth Loving expectations Prayer degrades The horrible hate And brings against The loving world You bring to me Happiness awaits Forever in life In love Forever R.R.

So here you are again, hanging on all the words I have to type, all the words I was once too afraid to speak to you. Did you ever wonder why I was too afraid? No you did not. You knew that if I ever did speak, that those words would be entirely too much for you to handle. So I held them back. Well, I don't have to any more. All these words will continue to flow, forever. Words unafraid to speak, unafraid to be handled, unafraid of you.

Dear Ryan, hey honey. Sorry to worry you like that. It's just, I dunno. I guess I really don't know what to think. Lately, I guess I've been a little confused. So much has been happening, changing. I love you so much, and I guess I really don't want to lose you. I was just a little scared I guess. Ryan, the miles between us mean nothing. I feel as if it's just a test to see how strong our relationship is. If we can pull this off, we can do anything. In our hearts there is no distance. I'm sorry I sounded like I was doubting your loyalty. It's just hard. Ya know, with Erin there, and me here, it would be so easy for you. Remember what your parents said about temptations? Well, listen to them. They seem to know what they are talking about. You said in your letter that we could never really have the relationship we both want. Well, never is kinda stretching it. It takes a lot of time and a lot of love. Right now, I have you, and that's what I want. All I...

"So you made it all up, the whole thing, the whole story, the whole blog??" "Yes I did. It was all made up, all a story, the whole blog..." "Why??" "Well, he called me a liar. So I played the part. I made up a whopper of a lie. And I followed that lie all the way to the end. And he followed me all the way." "Why do I find that do deviously delightfully brilliant?!" "Because it was, it is. Can we please write this story already?!" "Of course Ryan. If you can tell a lie so well and make me believe it, this will be one hell of a story!"

I've turned all the pain into poetry, into dialogue, into grocery store gossip galore. Into grotesque memories that made my soul bleed. Into strung out childhood fantasies that made time stand still. I did it all for you, yet I lost you in the end. Happy endings were never in my future. All the best stories are the tragic ones, these are mine.

I've learned that with time I need to stop speaking with those who don't listen and who never feel they are wrong. I no longer look for those who no longer look for me, and never think of those who no longer think of me. I do what is comfortable for me, without things unnecessary. I listen to my inner voice, in all places, with all people. I flee from toxic people and seek those with light. I need to protect myself and my energy. I feel I am worth protecting and preserving, at all costs.

"Ryan, you need to come be with me and be my DD when I go see Jalan in Ten Sleep." "I wish I could, but I'm working that night and my dirt bag ex will most likely be there, and I would rather drop dead than cross his path..." "Oh yeah. Have you seen his new guy? Under what rock he found him I wonder? That's what he gets, I guess, for losing you. He had the best, now look at him..."

Thursday October 12, 1995 Ryan, Hey hon. What's going on? Not a whole lot here. Man this week has had me so stressed. I go to State Marching on Saturday. The whole band seems to be so relaxed and my stomach is twirling butterflies like crazy. I'm so nervous. I asked Mr. Spitzer if I could drive down there by myself, that way I could stop by Riverton, and stop to visit you. He said that that was prohibited, and if I drove down by myself that I couldn't perform. Sorry I tried. How's school? It's o-kay- here. The classes are too long. We have block scheduling, and so each of our classes are 90 minutes. My first class is awesome, though. The teacher is so cool. It's Creative Writing. We get to leave class and take walks to the park and stuff. We rarely have assignments, but when we do, we have fun doing them. We went to the art gallery the other day, and we had to write about a sculpture or painting we liked. It was so cool. Well, I guess this is the hard part of my...

I had a dream last night, and you were there, and so was I. You seemed happy to see me, and I, you. You were beautiful, more beautiful than you ever have been. We embraced, our embrace was wonderful, our love was complete. You forgave me, and I, you. Too good to be true, if only it hadn't been a dream, it seemed so real. I wish I'd never woken. Was it you, was it me? Please return to me, tonight, in my dream, once again. 

"You have to continue to care, Ryan, even when it hurts. I know he hurt you. Probably more than anyone has ever hurt you in your entire life. But you can't let that stop you from living and loving. You've had the opportunity to move on, with more than one man. Let them love you if you need that." "What difference does it make? Some people do just as they like with other peoples' lives and it doesn't seem to make any difference. I'm allowed to hurt, I'm allowed to push people away. I'm allowed to grieve him as long as I like. When I'm ready to move on, I'll move on. When I'm ready to love again, I'll love again. I'm doing this at my pace, please let me. It takes as long as it takes."

Rita, I know you're out there somewhere, existing without me, and it hurts. Never did I imagine it would come to this, having to exist without you. You were my best friend, so you said. But where are you now? I know you still think of me. I hope you think of me, like I still think of you. Love never ceases to exist, no matter how bad the hurt may be. I know I betrayed your trust. I lied to you. I guess once is all it takes to break the trust. I don't expect you to trust me again, but please believe me when I say, I love you and I always will. So goodbye for now, I hope someday I'll see you, even for a moment, you have no idea how happy that would make me. If you could only see me now, maybe, just maybe, you could listen and believe me when I say, I love you. I love you.  Ryan

"I don't know what it was with that man, but he brought out in me a range of emotions I'd never experienced in my life. Extreme emotions. Everything from deep desire and lust to deep anger and rage. He ran the gamut with me. That's why I loved him so much, he brought out the absolute worst and best in me. Passion and emotion like that you only spark once in a lifetime."

As he drifted off to sleep, another night alone, he knew that he had ultimately lost the man he once loved, completely. And yet that man would always be there, whenever he wanted him. He only had to close his eyes and remember that sweet, slim smile, those long skinny legs, his sweet silly silver eyes. How he still loved that sexy, stylishly silver Steven.

He looked me straight in the eye and without hesitation he said, "I love you, Ryan." I believed that, absolutely. But he never knew what loving me without hesitation would mean.

5/6/98 Rita, I'm sick of writing pathetic letters talking about my life and asking about yours, and ignoring how I feel about you, and holding back all the things I've wanted to say but never did. I meant I love you when I said it, every single time. Did that mean anything to you, or are you just going to let that die? Maybe we see things different now because of everything that has happened between us, but I'm only saying this one last time, whether you like it, believe it, or care. I love you Rita Rosalie Bisbee, always have, always will, but it's no longer needed, I see that. I always thought that there would be a tomorrow for us, a new life, a time for us, but we had that, and I was right in the middle, you were too, and now, what does all that mean? Memories, that's all. So, I'll continue to write you about the insignificant shit that happens in my life, but damn it Rita, none of that matters, none of it mattered, the only time it did was when I had someone...

"You exposed a narcissist, and there's nothing they hate more than being exposed." "I didn't know it at the time, but that's exactly what I did, and exactly what he was..."

Coming out later in life, as a married father of two, with a soon to be ex wife and a newfound boyfriend whom I loved very much, I soon found that walking the tightrope of duplicity was far too treacherous, especially in a small Wyoming town. 

When I was younger and still figuring myself out, it was a struggle understanding others, let alone myself. Once I knew who I thought I was, I was told by someone else who I was, or who I should be. It was a confusing place to be. I was on a journey to find myself, all the while there were voices along the way telling me who I was, and who I was not. That journey taught me how to keep people at arms length without getting too close. People would say, no Ryan, this is who you are. Others would say, yes Ryan, that is who you are. Even I couldn't find who I was, amid projections from others about who they thought I was. But, deep inside, I knew who I was. I was a boy without labels, a boy I knew as myself, even when no one else seemed to understand who I was. I soon found that I needed to take that journey alone, without the voices of those around me. A journey of isolation, alone, to find who I truly was. And it was only after being alone that I discovered who I truly was.

December 19th, 1995 Ryan, Thought I forgot your birthday! Well, I didn't! I hope you have a splendid time this year!  Love Ya Lots! Rita Rosalita Hope you have a very sexy birthday!

He pleaded with an angel to come stay the night with him.  The angel came and engulfed him with love, and he slept, he slept with an angel, engulfed in immaculate peace and love.

"So you cannot bury the thoughts of him?" "No, I cannot. I know he still has thoughts of me, too." "I'm very sorry to see you this way. Forgive me for saying so, but thinking that way is hazardous territory. You'll face only misfortune there." "One must follow ones' star wherever it leads." "Even to disaster?" "Even to hell itself."

"He found something he was good at and he wanted to show the world..." The mother explained to the daughter, when the man she loved had gone on to find another girl, or two.

Dear Ryan, I've got so many things to say to you, I don't know where to start. I guess it's best to start from my heart. I forgive you, despite everything we've been through. I know we put each other through heaven and hell together. We were extreme lovers, the highest of high's and the lowest of low's. It seems our flames burned so hot that it was only a matter of time before we completely burned each other out. No regrets, the fire was worth the burning. After all, I think that's all I'll say. Except of course, that I'll love you forever, until my soul is undone in the life after this.  Jonah

"So now, Ryan, we're going to go even deeper then we have ever gone before. We're going to unlock memories you've completely forgotten about. Are you ready for this...??" "Let's do this..."

"You broke his heart Ryan! How could you do that?!" "I was with that man long enough to know he doesn't have a heart. He never once showed genuine emotion with me, he never once cried, not truly. Even when I left him for good and forever, he never wept a tear. Bring him a box of tissues for me. He'll only use them to wipe his ass, I'm sure."

I located the camera moment when Steven says, "Tell Ryan I'm here..." 6/28/24 @ 6:31pm  Register 3,4

"Take it for what it's worth Ryan. When you told me about him, I already knew. I should have told you what he was capable of, for I saw it a long, long time ago..."

You. You reading this. You're a limited edition. You're not here to be limited or edited. Act accordingly. 

"There were two definite points in time when I knew he had the potential to become violent with me. I dismissed the first as a figment of my overly wild imagination. After all, I loved this man. The second, I knew for certain that I had to get out. So I did. It was no longer safe to stay."

"Why do you think you're allowed to talk about him like that?!" "I'm allowed to talk about him and how he hurt me and it does not matter to me what anyone else thinks. If he wanted me to talk about him better, he should have treated me better."

So many unanswered questions still linger in my mind after all this time. Would we be happier than we were if we had made it through that rough time? Would we have children, and how many? Would your mother finally like me? Would I have a good job, would you be proud of me? But one question burns hotter than all the others. In the end, when I told you the whole truth and confessed everything, did you believe me? If you did, did you forgive me? And then would you admit that all you did to me was unjustified? The answer is most likely no, to all the questions, except the last. I guess I'll always be left to wonder and I'll never know. 

"Does he have some beef with you guys or what?! What was his problem?? He seemed like he was gonna go through your line, but then he came over here..." "Yeah, he's got some beef. He's a man-child who can't let go of shit." "Then he was all like, 'I was gonna go through her line, but that bitch is trying to get me 86'ed from the store. But I don't care, I'm gonna keep coming through here like this.' " "He's a man on the edge, he's always so obviously here to try to get to us, and hopefully annoy us enough that we tell you, Ryan."