All or Nothing

8/13/2001

Dear Rita,

We aren't getting anywhere not communicating. This won't work one-sided. I'm getting a little impatient. I can only give so much when I'm not getting anything back. I said I wouldn't give up on this, but I am. I don't want conditional love anymore. "I'll love you and be there for you, if you do this..." If that's the kind of love you're offering? No thanks. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what I'm going through. For better or for worse. You've proven to me that you can't be there for me, because you don't want to be there for me. I'm not the only one who's breaking vows here. And I won't be made to feel I'm solely responsible for the breakdown of this marriage. You kicked me out, shut me out and broke my heart. Call it tough love if you want, well I don't want that. If you can't deal with me now, I don't want to deal with you and yours. Living apart will only make things worse, not better. I'm asking you to be there for me now. To live together with me and work through this together, not apart. So either take me all back, or not at all. Because I can't go on with this living separately. Have you given up on me? I had two wonderful years with you as your husband, even though it was chaotic at times, it was mostly beautiful. But you didn't seem to be totally happy. I'm getting emotionally drained. I wish I could say I gave a damn about what I feel for you, but I'm hurting too much. And I'm not getting anywhere rolling in that pain. There's really no use asking for your forgiveness, when it may never come. And asking you to live with me is like ramming into a brick wall. I am not getting through to you. Not now. And maybe never. I'm done asking, I'm done trying, I'm done living for someone who refuses to have anything to do with me. I'm not crawling back to you so you can use every one of my weaknesses and failures to your advantage. And that's all I can see happening. I'm not coming back if we can't live together. And I'm not coming back if you won't forgive me. That's all I want. Is that too much for you? Or maybe it's that things work better for you when you're alone. Your college will be paid for now. You told me it was a scholarship, not a grant. Big difference. So you've lied to me, too. I don't think you ever respected me as a man, a husband or a father. I don't think you loved me as much as you could have. But, I only let you love me so much. And I know I didn't love you as much as I could have. Too late for regrets. So what's it going to be? All or nothing? That's how I feel. I can turn my back on you now because you've turned your back on me. I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. So do you love me this much? Yes or no? Prove it. Don't write me and see what happens. Don't call me and see what happens. If you don't want me in your life, tell me. But you can't ignore me forever. But I may give up if the answer is no. And if your answer is no, I've been offered a job in Seattle, and I'm going to take it. I can't stay in this town. I feel like getting the hell out of here, and I will if you don't want me back now. Last chance. Now or never. Either you love me this much or you don't. If I don't hear from you two days after this letter reaches you, I don't want to hear from you ever. I don't want to see you, either of you, if it can't be like it was. And if this does end I don't want to see either of you again. I won't fight you for custody, and you'll get your child support. I can turn off emotionally real well. I've been doing it for years. Call it self defense. I'm slowly giving up on us. Don't leave me hanging. I feel more alone now than I have in my entire life. The one person I thought would be there for me isn't. Pot made me erratic, unpredictable, irresponsible, impossible to live with, paranoid, overly emotional, depressed and uncontrollable. I guess I don't blame you for giving up on me. I asked for it. I pushed, you pushed back and we both pushed back furiously. No matter how much you love someone, you can't make them return that love. I didn't give to you everything that I wanted to. All I seemed to care about was getting high and feeling better for the moment, even if the repercussions were far worse. That was so selfish of me. I didn't love you like I wanted to because I couldn't love myself. It's hard to love someone when you don't love yourself. I loved you more than I loved myself. You want nothing to do with me now. Why? I wish we could just move on and forget about this and start over. But we will both never forget. That's impossible. But I'll never forget about you. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. But when it comes right down to it, when something like this happens, you find out how you really feel, and how much the other person really does care. I don't want to give up on this. Do you? I want to try. Do you? I need some input, please. Anything. I need to know. Right now. Call me, write me, come see me. I don't care how, just let me know. I said I'd be waiting forever. But why should I when you wouldn't? I said I'd be willing to do whatever it took. Will you? I think not. What have you done for me lately? No letter. No phone call, no nothing from you. Want to know what I've done for you? I honored your name as a cancer survivor at the Relay for Life on Friday and Saturday. I placed your name on a luminary and placed a rose next to it. Hundreds, maybe thousands saw your name. You survived. I was grateful for that. You should be proud, I am. You are a survivor. I drove down to Cody Thursday night to see you. But I was content to just sit on your doorstep. Just knowing you were inside gave me hope. Even if I wasn't there for long. I wanted to see you so much, even if you didn't want to see me. I did the same thing last night. I slept in my truck, right outside your window. Do you know how close I came to ringing the doorbell? But I knew it would only upset you, and that might make us say things we might regret. I've got four possible job opportunities, other than Seattle. One in Lander at the Wyoming State Training School, two at the hospital, and then there's always Wal-Mart. I've dropped the idea of working with my Dad. I have no one to support now. The whole reason I got that job was for us. That job isn't for anyone who has anything to come home to, in my opinion. Rusty is trying to talk Nick out of it. I don't want to do what my Father, and his Father did. I know my Dad, his brothers, and my Grandpa would have been happier working somewhere else. I want a job I can enjoy, learn from and excel at, not loath. Everyone knew I would fail at that. Even me. I think I'll enjoy Lander. I know I'd enjoy Seattle. I enjoyed Wal-Mart, until the end. I could find a job in Cody I could enjoy, if... I'm willing to look. A marriage without trust, without communication, without loyalty, honesty and unconditional love isn't a marriage. I want one built on trust, communication, loyalty, honesty and love. Take it or leave it - my offer. I'll do the same. You can't cut me off totally, and expect me not to react. I'm not playing dumb anymore. I'm going to the bishop soon and spilling my guts, and then I'll ask him what I should do. I'm going to see my counselor and friend, Annalaya, for the third time next week. My Mother thought she would be good for me. She has been. She knows me better than most people. She understands and she's helping me. I've been swimming, camping, working, reading, writing and doing things I haven't wanted to for a long time. I even sat down and played the song you taught me when we first met on the piano. I wish you were here all the time. I wish I was there all the time. I wish we could be together. Is this going to work your way or mine? I don't see any hope in me for you, if things can't be how they were. And I I don't see any hope in you for me, if I come back on your terms. Can we get through this? I hope so. I've changed to be better for you, and for us, and our little girl. Can't you change a little for me? Let me back in your life, fully and completely, and forgive me honestly and completely, and then, and only then, will I return. I'm afraid I'm not going to change my mind. And I almost know you won't change yours either. Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be, we had it all. Let's not throw it away. Please forgive me. Let me back in your life. I miss you, I know you miss me too. I love you, I know you love me too. My love for you will never cease to exist. That love is a part of me, it will be with me, no matter what happens. I love you Rita, always and forever.

Ryan