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Cheesy & Desperate

5/6/98

Rita,

I'm sick of writing pathetic letters talking about my life and asking about yours, and ignoring how I feel about you, and holding back all the things I've wanted to say but never did. I meant I love you when I said it, every single time. Did that mean anything to you, or are you just going to let that die? Maybe we see things different now because of everything that has happened between us, but I'm only saying this one last time, whether you like it, believe it, or care. I love you Rita Rosalie Bisbee, always have, always will, but it's no longer needed, I see that. I always thought that there would be a tomorrow for us, a new life, a time for us, but we had that, and I was right in the middle, you were too, and now, what does all that mean? Memories, that's all. So, I'll continue to write you about the insignificant shit that happens in my life, but damn it Rita, none of that matters, none of it mattered, the only time it did was when I had someone to live it for. That someone was you, it still is you, but now it's empty because we've fallen apart. I wanted a life with you, more than I wanted anything else, but we were selfish and careless with what we had. I find pieces of that, from time to time, girls will say they love me, but love doesn't mean anything to me unless I can return it. I want love to be what it was with us, when I fall again, but who am I kidding, it's not gonna be like that again, and I hate that. I'm starting to give up, but I'll never believe you're really gone. I want to let go, ignore it, turn my back and try not to let it get the best of me, but I can't, I'm sorry. I may not be there, I may not have what it takes to cure your problems and give you the life you want and need now, but I'll do my best to stand alone, for me, now that I can't for you. Rita, do you know how deeply I care, what just seeing you does to me? Have I ever done anything to make you doubt that? If I have, I'm truly sorry. I know that sounds cheesy and desperate, that's how I feel. That's how it is, how I feel about you. Take it or leave it.

RYAN

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