gayNwyo

Ryan, In the thick of Act Seventeen, aka Chapter Seventeen, A New Town entitled "Let It Open." You find yourself in an indifferent, ignorant small town, after the man you loved threatened to talk smack and cost you your job, right? But then you discover these delightful and devious group of friends and coworkers that love you and protect you, like family. So you open up the town, and your place of employment, one person at a time. What a beautiful thing!

"Can't you see, Ryan, that loneliness isn't the absence of people, but the absence of meaning and purpose. You've found yourself in a world where things are distant and alien. A place where connections seem superficial and your efforts to understand are met with resistance. You must realize that true loneliness isn't being alone, but feeling alone in a world that makes absolutely no sense at all."

I'm traveling back in time in my mind, to a space and time where there's a debt that cannot be paid, back to the night we first met.  A place where I should have told myself that I wasn't supposed to be there and to not walk along with you. I had all of you and you had most of me, and now we have none of each other.  I go back to the night and I don't know what to do, with the ghost of you, the night we met. The night was full of delight and joy, and lust. When we touched, when you kissed me.  Take me back to the night we met. When I had all of you, most of you and now, none. Take me back to the night we met, where I wasn't haunted by the ghost of the man I once loved.

Mister Ryan, it has been fun chatting. I'm going for my walk in the park and I don't take my phone, so I will say good evening and sweet dreams. Hugs 🤗 

He taunted me, with a bottle of wine, aside a hot tub. A hot tub with friends. He then called me a liar and a thief. Little did he know then that I would take matters into my own hands and expose him for the liar and the thief of my heart.

"You see, Ryan, your true fear of living is not in that the living will end, but the fear of not truly living. It's your fear of waking up every day to face the same fears, the same disappointments, the same pain. The fear that nothing will ever change, that you are trapped in a circle of suffering that you cannot escape. In that fear, there is a desperation, a longing for something, anything, to break the monotony, to bring meaning to the endless repetition of days."

Dear Ryan, Hey Love! I'm just sitting here in my room thinking about you. The only thing I've done all week! It's also the best thing I've done all week! Seriously. My whole week has been pure hell, and I always find peace thinking of you. And why not? You're so sexy! Your hair, your eyes, your hands, your lips. Well, I better stop before I get carried away with myself! I do tend to get carried away at times. It's going to be great though. Being with you. Nothing and no one else matters. Just as long as there is still us, and that picture of you in the tub. By the way, I loved that picture. So did all my friends. Don't worry, they still think you look cute, and I still think you're hot shit! Always. Well, seeing I'll be giving you this note when I see you, I guess you know now that I will not be coming down for Homecoming. I think I need to let a few girls know they can look, not touch! And if it doesn't sink through, I'll just brand it in th...

"I was always a shy guy. But I cured myself of that quickly. It finally occurred to me that people didn't think about me half as much as I gave them credit for. The truth was, nobody gave a damn. Like most teenagers, I was far too self-centered. When I stopped being prisoner to what I worried was others’ opinions of me, I became more confident and free."

"So, Adam Turner came tearing through the liquor store and slapped my ass so hard. It was harassing but also somewhat thrilling! Can we play it back with video and audio please??" "Yeah, of course! What time was it??" "It was at 6:09, I remember exactly. My ass is still burning..."

"Hey Erica, can I bag up your groceries for you??" "Only if you keep the rest of you shut up!" "You know I won't!" "So what's that on your upper lip, Ryan? Are you trying to be a man?!" "I'm growing it out for Spencer's mom..." "Oh, I'll bet you are! At least someone is appreciating it!" "You're only jealous, you know you wanna sit all over this sweet stache!!" "There's not enough of it there to do anything at all..." "It was nice seeing you bitch!" "Fuck off Ryan!!"

Dear Ryan,  I want to make this letter an ode to you. From my heart. I always dream and never wake. Just to save an image of you. I try to give more than I take. I keep close friends to a minimum few. I cherish all our memories made. I look forward to so much more. Knowing our love will never fade, keeps no reason for me to implore. I see a star fall from the sky, and make a wish for you. And as the days fast fly by, I realize that they've all come true. I bathe my mind and wash it clean. To save the room I need. For there's so much more that's to be seen. Once we're in the lead. I make a promise to only you. It's safe inside my heart. I know it shall be accepted and true. It's that our love shall never part! I love you! Rita Rosalita

"So I was gaming last night, playing Fort Nite, and guess who popped up and invited me to play??" "I'm guessing by your mutual nerd, geek styles and lack of friends, I'm thinking Jesse...??" "No way! How'd you guess?" "I'm a psychic nerd, I know things!" "Cool. Guess what his screen name is?!" "No clue..." "Squirts Poopy!"

"Hey Ryan, we need to talk..." "If it's about the milk order, I don't wanna hear about it. Go ruffle someone else's feathers this morning, I'm not in the mood for it..."

Dear Ryan, I spent a moment with you, but it felt like an eternity. If only I could imagine an eternity with you, I imagine that would be too, too much. Given the moment with you, an eternity would absolutely blow my mind. James

"Have you seen those two together? Him and his little sidekick?? If one didn't know any better you'd think they were secretly gay..." "You mean Brandon and Jesse?" "Yes. They are cute together. But certainly not gay..." "Of course not. But have you seen the sidekicks side kick? Whenever he says something he hopes is witty, he'll skip to the side and kick, it's cute, and only a little bit gay..." "Yep, I've seen it, cute, maybe a little gay, but he certainly doesn't swing that way..."

He left his soul, In the ghost town. In the ghost town, The ghost town of his soul.

"Life wasn't that way, Ryan! I don't remember it that way. You remember things all wrong, so mixed up..." "No, I remember them perfectly. You just don't want to go back to those places with me, because they hurt."

My foundation was shaken, my true blue way to deal with that was to vanish, but my departures were getting old. So I stood there in the room, shaking in my boots. At that time, my love, I challenged myself to stay, at that particular time. I thought a break would be good, and so for months I let us sit, paralyzed. I knew you needed to soar, so low and so high, to define what you needed. I knew I needed more time, time spent alone, with no distractions. At that particular time, my love, I challenged myself to stay, it helped me to be alone. At that particular time. 

Why Ryan? You don't need me, you won't forgive me. You shut me out when I needed you most. That's not love... James

Been sitting, drinking, smoking, waiting, gossiping, bull-shitting, dealing, rambling and thinking. The place JB's. Friends to entertain me, flatter me and keep me happy. Unlikely friends, but true, loyal and honest. Part of me wants to leave, but a bigger part wants to stay. Amongst the people that I love. People that fill the void given to me by the woman that I love, and pitifully always will. The best friend I had, lost forever... Regrets. Friends are my savior. Never had so many. Grateful I am. Lost love, found friends. Guess I lost, but I gained so much. They are my family now. My real family, I'm pushing away, I guess because I lost mine. Selfish, I know, insensitive, yes. Why do I run from them? Good question. Can't honestly answer that. I know they love me, I know they miss me. An empty bedroom and useless possessions are a constant reminder to them of a lost son. A son they raised with love, patience and unlimited understanding. I'm breaking my Mother's he...

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? I'm doing fine. Gosh. I don't know what to think. Everything is happening so fast. I mean, two weeks ago I didn't figure on getting back together with you, and saying what I'm about to say. I know that I've never actually written you a sentimental letter before. I don't know why. I guess there's not as much feeling in it as a person to person deal. So here it goes. Please take to heart my words, and never let them die. Ryan, I love you so much. The time we've been together has been good to me. The time we were apart made me realize what I needed. You. But it was good for us to break off, because I am now more in love with you than I ever was. I find myself looking for you everywhere I go. I think about you. And about us. I know that through the many years to come we may disagree, and maybe argue over many things, but we will always love one another. I know you will take care of me, and stay close through the hard times. W...

"You need to understand your defense mechanisms, Ryan." "Do I?  "Yes, you do." "How can I understand them if I don't even know where they are??" "They live in your unconscious mind. That's where you'll find them." "There are only shadows in my unconscious mind." "Then go there, for that is where the work must be done."

"I can't believe they're stopping us in the middle of the night for this!" It wasn't the middle of the night. She always was one for over-exaggerating. The sun had gone down about an hour ago and we had to stop for some construction purposes. They were widening the Yellowstone Highway. Traffic was heavy during regular tourist seasons.  She had her best friend in the passengers seat and her boyfriend next to me in the back. We passed the time by cracking sex jokes and blowing up condoms. I was seventeen at the time and had forced myself to grow up way too fast. She was a year older, but no more experienced than I was. I guess we both knew what would happen when I came to Pahaska that Summer. It was inevitable. My Dad, the whole way up to Cody kept saying things like, "You know, you don't want to be working at Mini-Mart the rest of your life." He was never one for talking about things that really mattered, he only hinted around. He was trying to tell m...

August 8th, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are you? Good I hope. Ryan, don't stop writing me. That hurts. It's like you don't want to be my friend anymore. Is that what you really want? Ryan, I want to get back together with you, but I wanted to do it in person, not on pen and paper. There are so many things I want to say to you, but there's not enough time. Forever may seem long enough, but I wish for so much more. I think about you constantly. Every waking hour, until the sun sets. You are in my dreams. I had one of you the other night. It was cool, you'll hafta hear about it. I know you've probably fallen in love with someone else, but I haven't. You make me feel like no one else has. You do something to me, like a power no other man possesses. Ryan, I love you. I will always love you. Nothing or no one will ever change that. I want to come see you, but I have to know, do you want to see me? If you don't, I can't honestly say I'll understand, bu...

Hey there Mr. Midnight,  How are you, out there checking on the moonlight? I sure do miss you. I hope you miss me, too. Sweet dreams, Ryan

He was always waiting, Waiting for forever.  Waiting for a forever, A forever of evers. Yet that forever, Was always right now. The forever of evers, Was always now.

"Hey Mr. Ryan Bloggington, what are you blogging about tonight?!" "I guess you'll have to log in to find out Mr. Blah Blah Blah Blahington!!!"

I don't go to sleep to dream, I go to sleep to escape my world. I close my eyes and hope that in the morning I'll be someone else. But that doesn't happen. I'm the same me I was last night, miserable and lonely, by choice. Making the wrong moves, yet warned every time I turn around. Living for the moment, on the edge, waiting for the consequences. That's the worst, it eats me up. Crying out won't solve anything. I'd rather leave this world than break the silence. There's no such thing as a simple life. I've tried to keep it simple and clear, but step by step I've made it complex. Clouding my sheltered life with fear, my mind keeps spinning. The world I once knew has forever been changed. I don't go to sleep to dream. I go to sleep to escape my world. In the morning I'll be someone else, but that never happens.

"Everyone needs someone. Obviously, everyone knows that. Every baby needs a mother, or someone to be there to give them solace. But some of us, included in this are, or think that they are, or should be, or have to be, for whatever reason, independent. I know how it is, 'I can do it, let me do it, I can handle it.' If I were to lose everything but independence, I'd live. No, wait, I lied, I wouldn't be happy, or as happy as I would like to, and want to be. That someone that I need, or needed - no, not need. Crave, hunger for, breathing just to be next to, isn't. Isn't as in not there anymore. I just couldn't take that, I wouldn't. It's like someone at the back gates of heaven before birth saying that you cannot go, because, well, your purpose just isn't anymore. Even after you've fallen from heaven. Understand?" "No, I do not..." "Of course you don't. I'm not in the group most people would vote most easily und...

Evening Ryan, Chapter Twelve aka Act Twelve entitled 'A Breakdown' is in the works. When you say, "Well, some people do go both ways..." and go into the revelation of your bisexuality, there's a string of men and boys you fooled around with. Who is the one who said, "Ryan, why didn't you come out sooner, we could've had so much more." ??? You've got to tell me the whole story with him, please!

"Hey Ryan..." "Hey Frank, how's your night??" "It fucking sucks! I'm pissed at my son..." "So, what can I get for you??" "I was gonna stick to my NA, but fuck it! Give me some of that Black Velvet on the bottom shelf, too. I'm gonna need it..." "Are you doing okay, Frank??" "No. Steven's moving to Miles City. He sold his house and now I have no place to store my car. He doesn't care about me anymore..."

July 19, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey hon! What's going on? Hope all is swell. My life is all work, no play. It sucks. One good thing happened today. Well two actually. I got a letter from you, that always brings me much joy, and I bought a car! It's so cool. It's a 1986 Pontiac Sunbird. It's a white, four door mean machine. It's super nice, and the guy gave me a super deal on it. I got it for $1600, and it's retail value is about $3000. Pretty cool, huh? I'm so happy. He's gonna get some stuff fixed up on it, and I get it Monday. My parents are going to pick it up while I'm at work, and go get plates and insurance, and then it's all mine! Finally. As soon as I get my next couple of paychecks I'll get down to see ya. -k- Now I have some spiffy wheels to get down there.  I think it's so awesome that you're learning how to play the piano. Trust me, you'll love it. I can't keep myself off my keyboard. It's so fantastic to have somethi...

"Hey Ryan, you'd better be ready for some serious ridicule from Brandon about your mustache..." "Oh, I'm already ready! I know exactly what I'm going to come back with..." "Oh, really, what are you gonna say??" "I'm gonna say, 'I was thinking that I wanted to have a silly, sexy mustache just like Jesse, so maybe he'd take me more serious and someday I could maybe wear a white shirt just like Jesse...' " "Seriously??" "No, not seriously! I'm growing the mustache out for a role I'm playing in a melodrama at the museum..." "That's one dirty upper lip man!" "Yes sir, yes it is! You don't wanna know where this lip has been lately!"

Randy was hatching strange and dangerous thoughts of who and how and what. So many thoughts. Who he was going to use to get what he wanted. How he was going to use those people to get what he wanted. People are people. Things are things. People turn ugly. But a thing of beauty is a joy forever. Mary Poppins knew what she was talking about! She was practically perfect in every way... The Ruby Slippers were a thing of beauty, and Randy wanted them for that reason and so many more. They represented innocence lost and home found, the impossible journey and happy endings, friendship, love, companionship and belonging. They also represented death, obsession, conflict, betrayal, stealing, lying, secrets, money and sex. The Ruby Slippers were Randy's obsession, and holding a pair ultimately possessed him, come what may...

"This book made my physically sick at some points, moist eyed in others, with rock hard erections at some points. Read this book with caution, and curiosity." ~ Pete O'Han 

"Life mixes up marvelous messes, and this book is one mixed up mess of memories, meltdowns, mistaken mayhem and magic. T'would be a mistake not to read this magic of a book!"  ~ Natasha Myhym

"Small town trash always gets to the heart of fleshy stories. This book is a prime example. Read this trash!" ~ Rich Grande

"You're a beautiful soul Ryan. You shouldn't question your worth based on the way one wicked man supposedly loved you. That kind of love wasn't love, because if it really was love, why, after all, would you feel so unlovable??"

Sitting there across the restaurant, in a totally different world. I see you, I know you exist. You say "hi." And so do I.  I knew you once and you knew me too. But the true you never shines through. We choose our own reality, but our tastes are not the same. Our eyes meet occasionally, only when it's necessary. Yet it's not enough. Maybe tomorrow you'll have more to say. So I'll save that hope for then. Words unsaid, gestures ungiven, wasted time. I wish you would talk to me Ryan.

Ryan, I still don't know you, although I've known of you. Others have more to say about you than you do. It's hard to know if what they say is true. You hide behind masks of insecurities, only worried about the necessities, never waiting for a moment of realism. You seem to want others in your life, yet you always avoid the moments that matter. I'm wildly curious about you and would like to get to know you better.  James

"It must have been a great joy for you Ryan, knowing Steven got his butt ripped for those gift cards, huh?" "No. I just felt sorry for him. He's a good man and he deserves good things, he just doesn't appreciate those good things while he has them, that's all." "You were one of those good things, I'm sure. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate you, Ryan."

“Ryan, your constant lying is aimed at making people believe lies. You should ensure that no one believes anything. When they can no longer distinguish between truth and lies, they cannot distinguish between right and wrong. And such a people, deprived of the power to think and judge are without knowing and willing it, completely subjected to the rule of lies. With such a people, you can do whatever you want. With all this in mind, continue to write. Write on, Ryan, write on!"

Good evening Ryan, I'm in the process of piecing together Act Eleven, or Chapter Eleven, entitled Fatherhood Failure. There's a scene in here where you see yourself dying, as a premonition. Then the NDE happens, right? I feel the NDE should come just before the Intermission, or chapter break, not after. Go back to the point where she says, "You see that!? That's how much longer you've got to be alive!" Tell me what your thoughts are here, we need more. You need to tell me everything you remember!

I miss you! What happened?? Brandon and his wife BOTH decided to chide and belittle me IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS AND EMPLOYEES!! Of course Nicole also had to chime in and it was all over answering the FUCKING PHONE! I wrote a very well-worded resignation letter though... I should've made you a copy! Piece it together for me please Mari! I started politely... It is with regret that I inform you of my resignation effective immediately. I am very grateful for the opportunity to learn the grocery business and appreciate the guidance and friendships I have obtained while employed at Blair's. I am extremely well educated and diverse and do not believe that individuals are better than anyone, regardless of their perceived notions of their economic or social status. I believe a LEADER should be just that. Someone an employee can admire and respect for their knowledge and forthcoming... not someone who belittles and degrades someone and treats others as servants... then I said something a...

"I got your boy in a lot of trouble yesterday, by the way..." "Oh did you??" "Yes. He was given donation gift cards for the Barbecue and Bluegrass Festival to award as prizes. And after our generosity he made some really ugly and ungrateful statements on stage. It was embarrassing. I had people come to me with complaints. Can you believe that!?!" "I totally believe that, yes. His mouth runs away with itself, he can't help it. It's ugly sometimes, I don't think he even realizes it. One of the reasons I left that man." "You did the right thing Ryan."

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm doing o-kay- Just trying to enjoy my four-day-weekend. I hafta go back to work Monday. Bummer. But hey, it's money in pocket! I have every Friday, Saturday and Sunday off for sure, so if you want to come up, those would be the best days. I'm trying to plan a trip up to Riverton at the end of the Summer to see you. Hopefully sooner, but we'll see. So anyway. What have you been up to? Having fun? Well don't have too much fun without me. If you get the chance to come up here, I have a whole night of fun planned for us. So hurry if ya can! Trust me, you WILL like it! (I hope.) If you can think of anything to do, let me know. I'll do my best to get down to Riverton as soon as I can. -K- Well, I don't know what more to say. I still love ya. Lots! I hope to see you soon. Real soon! Write Back Soon! Love Always, Rita Rosalita I love you.  Sorry So Sloppy

Ryan,  You've always told me you never wanted to be loved again, after she hurt you so badly. I'm afraid to love again, too. I understand. We have different reasons for that, I'm sure. You don't want to love again because you've had the best of love, and I don't want to love again because I've had all the worst of love. But where would we be without being loved, good love or bad love? Love always deserves a chance. Give me a chance. Let me love you, please. Katie

"What was wrong with the shopping cart Ryan? Why is it in the dumpster??" "It was a joke Brandon. I have no idea how it got there..." "You sit on a throne of lies!!" "Yes sir I do! This little old lady was complaining about the cart because it was giving her trouble, so she said, 'This piece of shit needs to go to the dumpster!' So I did it..."

"Hey Ryan, your icky ex rolled through the drive through with his short, skinny silver slut this evening. They were looking for some sugar free Cayman Jack." "Oh really? I haven't had a real good look at my replacement. How would you rate the guy??" "He's a solid six, but the poor guy has no personality. He's got nothing on you though. You're a fine nine, you've got it all. Your ex lost out hardcore..."

She dripped hot wax from a burning candle on my young naked body. We then made burning hot love. The burns from that hot wax wouldn't manifest on my skin until twenty years later. Long, long after she and I had burned out.

Ryan, One last letter before the Summer ends. You bewitched my heart, watching you work your magic, barefoot in the Shakespearian grass. I know that you weren't ready to commit to me like I wanted to commit to you. But the Summers with you were more than I ever could've asked for. You are everything I wish I was, and I'll love you forever.  Your Puck, Jonah

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? Good I hope. It's been going pretty good here, but could always be better. About the dance. I'm sorry. I should've waited to invite you until after I found out whether or not I could get the night off, but everyone I work with decided we should work from 12:00 to 10:30 instead of 7:00 to 5:30. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. But find out when you can come down and we'll have a dance all our own. I PROMISE! It's just that the 1st through the 4th of July are almost impossible to get off in this town. I had that problem last year, remember? Again, I'm really, really, really sorry. Just be sure to let me know ahead of time so I can get everything arranged. Also be sure that it's o-kay- with your parents. I don't want to get you into any trouble! Do me a favor. Tell Nancy to cool it. She couldn't possibly believe that after a year together we'd just run off and forget about everything. What a crock. These things take time,...

Eric. Another friend I met through previous friends. Gay, through and through. Overly vain, critical, extremely sensitive, although he'd never openly admit it. He's the one in our group of friends that comes up with off the wall, perverted and hurtful insults. He smokes Reds, drinks coffee, loves alcohol, pot and anything with a name brand label. He wears makeup, dyes his hair, is going to school to be a cosmetologist and is ultimately looking for a sugar daddy to make his world everything he wishes it could be. Anime is his passion and comic books, too. He wants desperately to be accepted by everyone he sees and is an excellent artist. A little deceiving and vindictive at times, he loves gossip and is curious about everyone around him. Deep down he's a wholesome, honest and compassionate person, though he only shows that side when he gets to know you. Sweet tender Eric had a secret crush on me, we both understood, but never talked about it.  

The morning train woke him early, so he stepped outside for a smoke. He realized that dawn was approaching and that fall would soon be upon him. The thought of all these things made him realize that his place in this world was fragile and his time was limited. 

"The love impulse in men often reveals itself in times of conflict, isn't that true Ryan?!" "Absolutely true!"

"When I heard him vomiting in the bathroom, I wanted to come to his rescue, but then I found him there. There were red splatters all over the floor, all up the wall, everywhere. At first I thought it was blood, then I realized it was wine. Then something happened to me. I checked out, I blacked out. It was more than I could take. So I stumbled away..."

"When you look deep in my eyes for too long, it's more than I can take, Ryan. You stare into my soul, and you make me feel things I'd rather not feel. You're just too much..."

"They cornered me as soon as I came into work, Ryan. I could see it in their eyes they had it out for me. I can't work like this. If that snarky ass bitch comes at me again, I'm done here. I don't need this job that much. Those fuckers can suck my dick!"

She slammed the latest book she'd been reading down on the bed and screamed. "Ryan, I can't do this anymore, I have had it!!!" This wasn't the reaction I'd hoped for. I'd just returned from Riverton. She hated it when I'd go back to my hometown without her. I came from a family of roughnecks. My Grandfather had been one his whole life, my Dad and his four brothers followed in his footsteps. I was never cut out for it, but I was willing to do almost anything to keep my dwindling marriage to my high school sweetheart from burning out. "Why'd you do it Ryan?!? You know we need the money!?!" Honestly, I could've cared less where the money went. I always gave her my paychecks, no questions asked. I hated fighting with her and avoided conflict whenever possible. "I just couldn't do it Rita. I tried, I really did..." I had four jobs in the two years that we were together, as newlyweds, each better than the last. Yet it was neve...

You say what you have to, To get me where you want me.  Never caring if the shit hits the fan. As long as you come out on top. That seems to be your style. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. There's a knock, a plea, and you beg on your knee. Comin' back again, another slap again. What do you see in me? Phantom, show your face when you can. Bear your soul when you want to. Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. Drain yourself, strain yourself, Not a tear rolls down your cheek. Take a peek, walk softly, Pray that I don't notice. Who are you trying to kid? Move on, take another trip, Make another slip, And it goes on... Play with me, stay with me, leave me. Love me, throw me, wrap me up in your lies. Never, never again. S...

"You're just like me, Ryan, you are just like me!!!" She hissed as she rolled over in the bed we'd shared for the first three months of living together as newlyweds.  Too tired to start another endless argument with a girl who thrived on drama, I simply rolled over too. I wanted more than anything to yell in that moment. "No, you are wrong, I am not!!!" But I gave in.  She loved having the last word, and more often than not, she did. I think we fought because the make up sex was so damn great. But me, the weak submissive counterpart of the whole shindig thought I'd better just say, "Yes dear, you are right and I am wrong." The sure fire way to end any argument with a girl.  I can't recall the events that led to those unfortunate quarrels that frequented our supposed marital bliss, but it was the moments near the end of most of them that are permanently seared into my memory. 

Today would have been his twenty-first birthday. He died fourteen days ago. Enthusiastic, yet diabetic, he could make almost anyone laugh. He liked Chinese food and Camel cigarettes. His name is Matt. I didn't know him that well, but I wish I would have. He's now in that place after this place, hopefully a better one. He made me realize that life has no guarantees, there is not always tomorrow, and you never know when you'll see someone for the last time.  Amy knew him so much better than I. Amy has been my friend for about seven years, on and off, but a stable and reliable, honest friend. Amy and Matt have been close friends for longer than eight years. I've never lost a close friend, so I have no idea what she is going through. But as her friend I'm here for her. Sometimes words can't heal, but time, tv shows, music and casual statements that show we care, can. We're going out tonight, to have a drink in his remembrance. He would have wanted us to have fun...

Ryan, I honestly wasn't ever going to make contact again. The main reason I'm reaching out is that I may still work a couple of days a week at Pizza Hut there. But not for sure. I was just hoping we could still be friends, or at least friendly if we see each other in Worland. I never meant to alarm you. Ever! I would take back my clinginess in a second. If I ever had a chance with you, that ended that. It's all in the past now. I hope things are going well for you, Ryan!

As he stumbled his way back from his position of supposed power he realized he had no power at all. And that without the man he loved, he was nothing at all. The power he had rested with the man he had lost.

"So your ex lover said you loved his dog more than you loved him..." "That isn't true. He loved his dog more than he loved me. He put him first and made a choice when he got him and didn't include me in that choice." "I know the story. He told it to me. But the truth in the end is that he lost you. And he's the fool for that..."

Ryan, Your lips dance sweetly, oh so neatly, uttering words so cleverly crafted. Forming thoughts, unclear intentions, misread reactions, unseen distractions. Tainted body movements, calculated poise, leery, mistrusting, cautious and oh so suspecting. Your eyes play games with the emotions of all, plotting and torturing those pitiful souls. You know not how you influence the masses. The magic you radiate is beyond comprehension. Jessie

Listening to the stories they tell, and the jokes. Trying to smile, wanting to laugh, never clearly understanding the whole situation. Helps to just listen, better not to speak, needing to say something meaningful, but the topics never arise. Thoughts flood my mind and torture my tongue. When words do come, they fly off unnoticed, better left unspoken. Maybe these people don't understand and maybe they don't care. I'd like to think they do. Looking for a place to fit in, a place to be, a calm existence in a meaningful silence. Words and phrases are highly overrated. Looks, glances and casual exchanges do just as well. Someone told me once that I speak with my eyes. To be mute for a day would be an experience. Communication, they say, is the basis for any meaningful relationship. Body language, eye contact, gestures, are all essential. Frozen in the corner, silent and unheard is my chosen position. That's not the person I want to be. Social, outspoken, intimidating and o...

"I hate working days. All the micro-managing jerks that need to feel the power that comes along with telling people who already know their job how to do their job... ugh. And that reminds me, saw your ex on Wednesday. His aura cloud was dark grey-blue... so I think he's healing, it wasn't as dark as before. Still clearly has mommy issues! But he was much more polite." "Interesting. He's a good man. Just angry." "I hope he heals. It will take a lot of inner-reflection and admitting his fallacies." "He's not the type to do that work." "Oh well. Then he won't ever realize his potential! Bummer for him!"

I n the puberty scheme of things, I was a late bloomer. My first wet dream came when I was sixteen, and morning woods followed. Being a young man was quite disturbing. Who needs an alarm clock, when your cock is as hard as petrified wood and you're horny as the devil when you first wake up?? I was puzzled, unaware of what to do to cure myself of this unfortunate, yet not unpleasant, circumstance. All I knew was that it felt splendid, and oh, when I touched it, who knew life could feel so grand!?!?!  I'd always heard guys in gym class talk about 'jerking off' or 'jangling your jollies' or 'choking the chicken' or 'beating the meat' or 'spanking the monkey' or even 'rosie palming it.' I was utterly confused. Maybe all the boys had a secret little language for a new elicit drug??? I didn't know... I'd learned in Sex Education about masturbation, and then learned how to insert a banana into a condom. Condoms and masturbation. ...

"Ryan, he was in here again, didn't you see him?" "No. I was focused on my job." "Well, he was looking at you, glaring you down. Here for a soda. He looked angry as hell, angry at you." "I'm sure he is angry. He left a box of anger outside my house yesterday. The same kind of anger that frightened me away from him so many months ago."

I told you I was leaving. A true friend would be happy for me. That was three days ago. Not a word has been exchanged since. I'm only good for you if I stay and depend on you. I don't understand, maybe I was wrong to think that you weren't like the rest of them. Bruised pride is all I've gotten in return for accepting your generosity. I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of this, free of feeling I owe you my surrender for all that you have done for me. When I no longer fulfill your void of loneliness, you cast me aside like an old shoe. It's been done to me before. What good would come of staying? Nothing. So, turn your back on me, treat me like something that just happened to you. I'll do the same. I have no other choice. I've only ever played the hand that was dealt to me. I never would have dreamed the game would turn sour if I no longer wanted to play. 

You hate it when I'm doing something you are not. You hate it when I'm talking about something you are not. You hate it that you can't be in a room with me without participating in the same activity. I was waiting for you to talk to me, but your opening statement didn't catch my attention. But I don't hate you, and hopefully you don't hate me for being me. I'm in the room, but my mind is somewhere else. Total silence is more often than not my savior, but you seem to thrive on responses you get from others, and it bugs you that you sometimes don't get that gratification from me. Have you ever tried to pretend for a moment that something or someone else in your environment did not exist? I doubt it. Constantly trying to understand people and why they do what they do, never slowing down to think that maybe some people are hurt by your casual statements to others about them. But I still love you anyway, even if you can't or won't understand. 

Ryan, I'm scared. Scared to say things to you I may never say to anyone for the rest of my life. Scared you'll think me weak or insane. I can't explain how I feel, and I can't ignore it. But I knew what I wanted long before you came along. This pressing urge to know everything about you, feel everything you do, it's eating me up. Funny how emotions can control a person. I'll walk softly and turn a blind eye. Do you believe it's possible to fall for someone, just by looking at them? I shouldn't let myself, yet I can't turn away. Jonah

Your eyes speak a language all their own. They know the bitterness of a hundred farewells, And have cast a million wicked spells. You look where you like when you please. Casual glances, meaningless stares, Cautious stances, intimidating glares. 

I need a portable blender, I need a roll of duct tape, I need a double-barreled shotgun, To shut you up. I need a sound-proof room, I need a hand full of death caps, I need a home six feet under, To forget about you. I need a ticket to nowhere, I need a light-speed jet, I need a ride to hitch, To get away from your smile. I need my feet in cement, I need my eyes burned out, I need my heart on a plate, To keep from feeling you here. I need, you. I need, you. I need, you. To keep me sane. I need, us. I need, us. I need, us. To know I'll stay that way. RLJ

You see me every day, you know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst and my best. You see through me and can pick me apart. No one else quite understands me like you do.

The words they speak torture my soul as I sit quietly in the corner. Afraid to make a move, afraid to make a sound. Maybe what I have to say is a little too profound. My mind doesn't work the way theirs do. Thoughts run through my head, but my mouth remains motionless. Silence is something I value more so than most people. "Bored as sin??" He asks me when he glances my way. "No." I lie, as he goes back to the conversation that seems miles away. 

"So you're a grocery store supervisor by day, and a hell cat dirty blogger by night? That's your side hustle??" "Yes sir!"

I finally got the ring back. Shattered into dozens of pieces, done so with anger and hatred. But I'll take it, nevertheless. I'll treasure it forever and think of what could have been. What could've been with the man I loved. 

He entered as the hero, Buck Brawn, on night two of rehearsals. Running for the stage again, one place where he felt ultimately safe. Because there he didn't need to be himself anymore. He could be someone else, for a time.

"When I was young, I quickly learned that just below the surface there was another world, and other worlds if I should dig deeper. I absolutely knew this as a child, but I could never prove it. I could only feel it. There is a place of innocence in this world, but just underneath that, there is pain and sadness. I knew when I was young that our world was layered, and depending on where my awareness rested, the world I perceived could be so many different things, all at once."

"Ryan, what the heck is wrong with you?! You seem all paranoid and shit. What's going on? Yesterday you were fine, happy go lucky, now you're anxious and jumpy..." "It's the danger hour Jesse, that's all. This is the time of day when I'm on my guard, when I have to keep a look out for him. He could come through here at any time, and I gotta be on my toes. Eyes on the horizon, heels on the ground, ready for anything!" "Geez, Ryan, are you still really that afraid of him?" "Yes." "I guess I can see why. I know the guy. He showed my wife and I a house not long ago. And she and I walked away with this really weird off-putting feeling. We were both like, what the heck was that? He gave us this off vibe, something wasn't quite right. We probably won't ever buy a house from him. So I can understand how you feel about him. Take care of yourself, Ryan. I'm here if you need me."

It was as if the world outside was finally calling to me, after all these years. As if a door long since locked and warped with age and forgotten with time had been blown open. With three simple words. I am bisexual. Not gay, but bisexual.  Although I could still enjoy sex with women, I was intensely and almost painfully drawn towards men, and not just sexually. Most assume that bisexual means just the acts of sexuality and all that that entails. There was more. I wanted an emotional connection of some meaningful kind. With a man. I had never really had that. Male friends along the way, sure, but nothing transcendent. Nothing emotionally comparable to the relationships I had had, have had, with women. There were men in between who had awakened sides in me, but our encounters were hot and brief. It's complicated. Even I don't fully comprehend what this may mean to me and my family and those whom I love. I had just come out, in my mid thirties, to those closest to me. The fear wa...

He was passionate, unfocused, with all the right ingredients to make an outstanding actor. He didn't trust himself too completely, for he knew himself too completely to know he couldn't trust himself. This shined through the brightest, and this is why so many people found him appealing, either of the sexes. This vulnerability that exuded from Ryan was enchanting and sometimes disarming, and perchance, heart breaking. To know him was to know him, and to know him was to love him. If one simply looked at him long enough, those who looked would immediately realize how sad, depressed and tragic he really was. Yet there was raw beauty under all that. Ryan was, he felt, transparent to those around him when he was truly himself. The Ryan that those closest to him knew was an amazingly strong person, who just happened to trip through a small puddle on his way home from school, and laughed because he'd kept his shoes clean all day, up til that point.   

"The mad memoirs of a married, Mormon bisexual father, who is slowly losing his shit all alone in the garage. One just can't put a book like this down without savoring every sultry secret this book bleeds with. The sheer honesty of these sick confessions is disarming at times, laugh out loud tragic at others, but a delight it is to soak up from the pages. If you like these kinds of things, read this one!"  ~ Marcus Molly

"Hey, are you stocking things back to the shelf after you sell them back here? Because Lee says you aren't..." "What the fuck ever, Lee can suck a fart out of a flying ducks ass!!!"

"He called himself the villain in my story, so I wrote him as such. Every line, every chapter, in verse, in poem, in dialogue. Even though he wasn't a villain at all. In all reality he was the man, the hero, the fool, the be all and the end all. The man that captivated and crucified my heart."

"I think I've finally figured you out, Ryan. Why you are so complex, either really loved, or really hated, or just entirely, tragically misunderstood. You know how to seduce, but not in just a sexy way, but in a soft, poetic and unpretentious way. You invite life to come with you, and to work with you. You're not angry or critical, just raw and natural. People see that. Chance sees that, luck sees that. You aren't phony, you can't force anything. If you lie, you're instantly caught. You look at life and people in a good way, and things turn out in a good way, that way. I don't know what philosophy you use for life, but it's working!"

Did you ever stop to think my dear that my casual statements aren't so casual. They are thought out and carefully crafted to hold people just far enough away. Here I am, I breeze in and out of peoples' lives, stopping only for a few passing moments. I can't afford to get too close to anyone. My heart has been broken once too often for that. That is why I simply call things how I see them. I could be wrong. I know I can't be right. My whole of existence was shattered when I came home. Nothing changed, but it wasn't the same. And who am I? Just some boy with a hopelessly romantic heart, protected by his quick wit and sarcasm. What was I put here for? Don't know really. So riddle me this, Bat Man... if you get it right, you win. Who am I? 

"If you stand there in all your supposed ifs', you'll only if yourself into oblivion, Ryan."

Sunday, February 25, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How are you? I'm doing o-kay-, but could always be better. Lately I've been getting sick quite a bit. My immune system has been getting pretty low because of my low eating habits, and all this weather isn't helping it any. I've been doing better lately though. My mom tries to make me eat at least one big meal a day. She would like it if I ate more, but she's not going to push it. What can I say? When you're not hungry, you just don't want to eat. School sucks. I hate it. I am getting so behind in all of my classes. I've been missing so much school because I'm sick all the time, and every time I miss a day in school, I found out that I missed a test or something really important. I try my best to keep up but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Anyways, you remember when my parents sold my piano, and how devastated I was? Well yesterday they went up to Billings and bought me a keyboard! It is so cool....

"He was a total narcissist, Ryan. He asked you to give up everything for him, and you did. You gave up your dreams, goals, friends, family, your entire identity, and you became his nothing. He asked you to sacrifice your essence, your autonomy, and your individuality to feed his insatiable ego and his need for control." "You're right. He promised me the world and only delivered emptiness. He flattered and charmed me, only to crush me and discard me." "He made you feel like the center of the universe, but you were only another orbiting star, trapped in his selfish orbital pull." "His love was a suffocating shroud, which strangled the life out of me. His attention was toxic, and it infected my soul, leaving me gasping for air. His affection was a noose, tightening a grip that slowly strangled who I thought I was." "You were fooled by his grandiose gestures which amounted to sweet nothings. He seduced you with charm and charisma." ...

"I'm afraid of my shadows, Dad." "Why are you afraid of your shadows, my Son?" "Because they are so dark." "They are only dark because you are between them and the light. There is nothing to be afraid of there, silly boy..." "Why is that Dad?" "Because, once you learn to hold both your shadow and your light, you see yourself from two sides, and then you can meet yourself in the middle. When you're in the middle, you'll find there is nothing at all to be afraid of there, my Son." I was too young then to understand how wise my Father was. 

F riday June 21st, 1996 Dear Ryan, Hey. How's it going? Good I hope. Sorry to say, it's not so good here. Every time I get a letter from you, the more I miss you. I understand that you do not want to talk to, or even see me, but it still hurts. I want to be with you so bad. In your letter you said that I walked out of your life for a year, and then wanted to see you again, but that was odd. Ryan, you were my boyfriend for that whole year. What was so odd about wanting to see you? I want to be with you. I want you to hold me, to have those moments together that we've waited a whole year to have. Even if it's every couple of weekends, or just once a month that I see you. I know you've been dating. I hear quite a bit through the grapevine. Honestly, I was dating, too, but it didn't work out. There was no feeling. No magic, like there was with you. I've only dated one guy since we broke up, and I found out all he wanted me for was a show piece. I somehow got the...

"The story I'm telling is not aimed at making people believe a lie, but making sure no one believes what they think they believe. When people can no longer distinguish between all the facts and the fiction, then they'll believe whatever I tell them. With that narrative, I can do whatever I want." "You are one clever man, Ryan! This book is going to be so wicked good!"

"I'm warning you, don't talk with that guy! He has a dirty little blog and anything you tell him, he'll twist your words to fit his dirty little online story. He's a dangerous blogger!"

"Hey, Ryan, have you checked the milk lately, do you know what it looks like...?" "Yeah, it's in jugs, it looks white. Except for the chocolate milk, it looks brown. The milk in the boxes, that's a mystery to me, because who knows what the milk looks like in there...?!" "Smart ass!"

Ryan, Thanks for dogging me. Where the hell did you go? I'm sick of you not wanting to hang out with me! Why did you abandon your truck? Was it on fire? Looks fine now. Lilly

Ryan, Sorry I put your pencil in my mouth, you may have to disinfect. Now, some words of advice, written in a mechanical pencil. 1. When in doubt, tight roll your jeans. 2. Don't die. 3. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi. 4. Hate is a strong word, for which you need strong actions... (ie: punch, kick, ect.) 5. Never, Ever Be Popular!!! 6. Contradict yourself. 7. Dye Your Hair. 8. Write poetry. 9. Paint a van. 10. Live in a van down by the river! 11. Write only with mechanical pencils. 12. Fake sudden dyslexia. 13. Always be yourself! Remember... the only thing there is to say is, every silver lining has its' touch of grey. .... And if the band you're in starts playin' a different tune, I'll see you on The Dark Side of the Moon .... P.S. Thanks for letting me use your pencil/paper/bag.

Ryan, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time, and I have to get it out of me. Since the first time I saw you, I thought you were absolutely gorgeous. I was so excited when you actually talked to me. For the longest time I wanted to be your girlfriend, but I need your friendship, and I know you need mine, just as much. Please understand how important it is to have you in my life. I need someone to be there for me, like I have for you. I need you in my life. Your friend, Jillian Anne

"I swear to God, Ryan, this place has me at my limit, and my home life is in the crapper, too. I'm at a whole new level of I do not give a flying fuck anymore. I'm all out of fucks to give. And it feels good!" "Yeah, I know what you mean, I was in that place several months ago, where I just did not have one more fuck to give, and I did not. It felt great." "I knew you'd understand. If anyone comes at me too strong today, I'm going to go tell them to suck my big donkey dick!"

Ryan, I've got to get this off my chest. -K- When you tell me things like "you're cute when you're mad," of "if I have enough guts, I'd ask this person to come over, but she's probably busy," you confuse me, and that makes me upset 'cause I want you to like me. Please tell me what's going on. Today, please!! Jill Please write back

"You're telling the same story twice, Ryan. And you tell it exactly the same way twice. Which means either it's an absolute truth, or an absolute lie." "I've told the same story the same way, several times, over and over to so many people. It's the absolute truth. But it's so fantastic, I can see why you might thinks it's a lie, I can't even believe it myself sometimes."

"Meat department, line one..." "That's you Ryan, pick it up!" "What do I say, 'this is the meat man, how can I help you..?!' "

"You must confess that you believe in the nothingness of everything. Because nothing is, after all, everything. And everything is, after all, nothing at all. Nothing is nothing, and everything is everything, and it's all together everything nothing, after all."

"You'd better watch your back in this small town, Ryan. Everyone is figuring you out, you and your stupid blog! Watch your back, Ryan! Watch your fucking back!!"

"You know Ryan, I only took the kids away from you to give them a better life. I did it for them, you have to understand that, right?!" "I guess so. But if your idea of a better life is one without their Father in it, I do not understand that. And I'll tell you another thing, if shoes were on other feet, I'd never in a million years take my children away from their Mother, ever..."

"Ryan, your guy came through awhile ago for his regular Tuesday afternoon fruits, and he said he's a good guy and I believed him. He is a good guy Ryan, you have to admit that..." "He is a good guy, yes." "So why do you run from him?" "Because I can't face him and all the feelings that still stir when I know he's around. I can't explain it. It's like when magnets either attract or oppose each other. They flip poles and either slam into each other or bounce off. That's how my heart feels when he walks through the door..." 

April 24, 1996 Dear Ryan, Well, I don't know what to say. I don't think anyone has ever made me feel like such a bitch in my life. I never ever said I thought it was okay that our relationship was over. Honestly, I cried so bad when I read your letter. It hurt me so bad that you had such harsh feelings for me. Ryan, I love you. What more do you want? I know you don't believe me. You pointed that out to me a number of times, but I do. I don't know if you realize that this is not about Erin and Bill. I can't stand being with you when you have eyes for anyone else! No. My feelings for Bill are not stronger than the feelings I have for you. How can you say that when I've been in love with you for over a year now?! It hurts. It's like someone took a knife and jabbed it into my heart a couple million times. Every time I saw you and Erin together when you two were going out, I wanted to run into a dark corner and hide. You're the person I thought I could say an...

"I see you chose the extra long perfectly ripe bananas this morning, Ryan. We know how you like them extra long!" She says with a wink and a high pitched giggle as she rings the bananas up on her register. "You know me too well! I had the choice of the small spotted over ripe ones on the floor, but I've got connections through the back door where I can have my choice of any bananas I likes!" I exclaim as we both laugh our faces off. "You know just how to get what you want, Ryan! And that's why we all love you!"