Put Out or Get Out

Friday June 21st, 1996

Dear Ryan,

Hey. How's it going? Good I hope. Sorry to say, it's not so good here. Every time I get a letter from you, the more I miss you. I understand that you do not want to talk to, or even see me, but it still hurts. I want to be with you so bad.

In your letter you said that I walked out of your life for a year, and then wanted to see you again, but that was odd. Ryan, you were my boyfriend for that whole year. What was so odd about wanting to see you? I want to be with you. I want you to hold me, to have those moments together that we've waited a whole year to have. Even if it's every couple of weekends, or just once a month that I see you.

I know you've been dating. I hear quite a bit through the grapevine. Honestly, I was dating, too, but it didn't work out. There was no feeling. No magic, like there was with you. I've only dated one guy since we broke up, and I found out all he wanted me for was a show piece. I somehow got the reputation here as a 'beauty queen,' and as soon as word got out that you and I broke up, the offers came flying, and of course I chose a total jerk to date. He told me to basically put out, or get out. I realized how stupid I was for losing you.

Ryan, you haven't lost me. You never did. I don't want things the way they are, or the way they were. I want them better, that's all.

I want to see you once in a while. It doesn't have to be every day. I just want to know that I am cared for and can only know that if I see the emotion in your face. Hear it in your words. I need that security that can't be put on paper with pencil.

I care for you so much, and I don't want to lose you. I'm scared to death that I already have. I no longer have the fear of love, now it's the fear of losing it. I truly hope I haven't.

I'm going to check on a job today, and if I get it, I'll head down to see you as soon as I can. That's only if you want me to.

Also, there's a dance here on July 3rd. I want to invite you as my date. Please tell me you'll come, but if you don't, I'll try to understand.

Gosh I screwed things up so bad. I wish I could change the past, but I can't. I just hope it's not too late for the future.

We shared so many memories, and I hold each of them close to my heart. I've kept everything you've ever given me. I even have the dandelion you gave me one day in class.

I know that this may not mean a lot to you, but I love you. I've been in love with you from the first day I met you. A lot of things may have changed about me in the last year, but that love has always been the same. Always will.

I hope you take to heart what I've said. And remember, no matter what happens, or what decision you make, I'll be here for you. As a friend. A best friend. I love you.

Rita Rosalita

P.S. Please write back. Don't leave me in the dark.

P.S.S. Sorry it took so long to write back. I never got your letter until today.