gayNwyo

"Hey there, Ryan... did you try that thing I gave you...?!" "Oh, you mean the gummy...??" "Yeah!" "No, not yet. I'm gonna save it for the road trip with Tom this weekend." "Yeah, great idea! You're gonna love it! You gonna squish some booty!!!"

There were pieces of him, Left over inside pieces of him. Tiny little pieces of his soul, Left inside the man he loved. Where they became entangled, Trapped forever inside his soul. Quantum entanglement had trapped pieces of him inside him. This brought him immense comfort, For there would always be pieces of each other, locked inside each one.

"When I die, I hope it's like I remember my father carrying me to another room after I had fallen asleep in his lap. Lifted slowly, gently and quietly laid to rest in another room, where I could still hear the life in the other room..."

From the Desk of Dorothy Desdamona Dixson: A subjective yet objective psychological evaluation and analysis of Ryan Luke Jevne. Provided with the intention to diagnose and assist the individual in maintaining a healthy and sober state of mind. All information provided here is observational only, with the intended purpose of supporting him in mental health and addiction recovery. Ryan has stress arising from suppression of physical sexual desires and insufficient consideration from bodily needs, with anxiety from existing situations that he feels are disagreeable. He has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own and to stand out from the common herd. His control of his sensual instincts restricts his ability to give himself, but the resulting isolation lends to the urge to surrender and allow himself to merge with another. This disturbs him, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome. Ryan feels that only by continued self-re...

"My dear sweet Ryan. Let me tell you some things... They will call you gay because you are. Simply because you were born with the unique gift of seeing things differently than they do. And nothing frightens them more then someone who doesn't see exactly as they do. They will call you gay, because you are. You were born with great worth. You were well placed to allow yourself to feel everything fully and that intimidates them. They will call you gay, because it is true. You have discovered that you are the most precious thing in your life and that haunts them. You will be called many untrue things, with many harsh judgments, for a long time. Remain firm in yourself and in what you believe, and I promise you that one day soon they will call you with happy condolences to say, you are gay..."

I hate waking up alone.  I hate knowing you're still out there existing without me.  I hate existing without you.  I feel lost and alone, utterly alone.  All these friendly faces around me will never amount to one smile of yours.  I'd die for just one moment alone with you again.  Not long, just one moment. 

"She died just a few short days ago..." "I know, and now he is home grieving her, drunk, alone and in utter despair and regret, knowing she is somewhere dead, in another world, better off without him..."

I screamed at him, down a long, dark and empty hallway. "I love you and I need you to love me!!!" He answered back in the darkness. "You know I love you and all I need is to love you..."

Rest well and know I will be with you, holding you close and keeping you warm and safe.  Good night.  Love loving you. Tom

Something in your eyes tells me to jump, yet I hesitate. I can't jump, for I don't see the bottom. How mysterious have you become? Do you have ill intentions? I've this suspicion you feel for me more than you show. What is it you fear? Please don't be afraid of me.

When the truth came out, when you found out I was weak and broken, when there was nothing left for me to give and nothing left to hide, why did you turn away? I've so much more to give now, you probably wouldn't know me anymore. Maybe it's better this way. I'm still looking for the good in this. I can't find any. Why wasn't I good enough for you? I gave and I gave, and I'll continue to give, anything you still want from me. It's too late now, there's no turning back, no more I love you's, no more kisses goodnight, no more outrageous fights. I'll miss it though, all of it, the good, the bad and the bitter. 

I had a dream, I was at my own funeral. People were there who shouldn't have been, strangers I had never seen before. Unfamiliar faces that seemed so out of place, in the space of my after life.  My second bride appeared before me and sang the song I asked her to sing when I passed away. She was bewitching and beautiful, just as she was when I fell in love with her. My first bride appeared before me and signed me a long lost love poem she'd written me, in sign language. She was deaf, and I had never learned sign language in life, but I understood every word she signed. It was heart stopping, just as she was when I fell in love with her.  My first boyfriend came next, face to face with me. He merely pressed his forehead to mine and communicated the deep love he once felt for me, in thought only. He never could communicate emotions easily, but I understood him perfectly in that space. My heart broke wide open. Then came my second boyfriend. He passed long before I did, but he...

Hey Buddy, What's up? Not much here. I am so sorry about what happened Saturday night. I hope you get feeling better, and I hope you'll feel good enough to come to school tomorrow. And I wrote this note to tell you thank-you for buying me dinner on Saturday, that was very nice of you. Well I gotta go now because the bell is about to ring.  A friend always, Celeste Sotelo P.S. GET WELL SOON!

~ Ryan ~ Hey Gilbert! How's it goin? I know it's only been a few short weeks that I've known you, but it seems like I've known you my whole life. You're just a great guy and I will always remember you. You're a wonderful actor and I know you will go far and succeed in life. I know you will and don't let anyone tell you different. I feel that I have become so close to you these short weeks and I'm going to miss you greatly when you leave.  Like I said in the letter I gave Andrea, I will always be here and I will always take time to talk whenever you want. Just call or write, I'm always here. I will miss you, so much!  If you didn't get the note I gave Andrea, here's my address:  311 East Sunset Riverton, Wyoming 82501 307-856-4726 kato@weirdness.com Love and Good Luck Always, Katie Ramsey

Dear "R Boogus", I hope I spelled that right. How are you doing? Dumb question. I couldn't sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at 3:00 A.M. I want you to be happy. Give this broken chika a smile. I know how I can make you laugh... can tickle the poo outta you!   Ryan, I will make no more promises if you don't want me to. But none of my promises are empty promises. I will sing of sunshine when you sing of rain, I will sing of ecstasy when you sing of pain. The biggest mistakes we make are the risks we fail to take. But you don't know what you got til it's gone. Don't give up on me! Love Always, Andrea

"I once spent seven days alone, in complete and utter silence. Except for the sounds that came from my mere existence and essential living, or the sounds that came from my heart and soul. In those seven days I found my eternal serene spirit, one I had known for several lifetimes before......."

"So what are you going to do with it all, Ryan, once you have the fortune you've always desired?! Will you give it all away, or will you run away...!?!" "I'll do both..."

"He would always check mate me... every time he felt he had me played, whether in situation, conversation or raw fucking emotion. He'd check mate me every single time..."

"Have you ever had a locked room you didn't want to go inside, because every time you did, it tore your heart out...?" "Yes. Sometimes I check the door and look inside to see if it still hurts..."

I slid my soft, slender fingers through his shiny silver chest hair, as it shimmered in the afternoon sunlight. We'd both just had our afternoon delight as we lingered in bed until twilight. "I fell more in love with you today, Tom. But, shhh, don't tell anyone... I rarely ever fall in love..." "You sweet, gentle man. Love is a beautiful thing we share with someone who touches our inner being. You have touched my soul. I love you..."

"You've got guts, Ryan, you've got real balls, you know that...?" "Why do you say that...!?!" "Because you've told your story, the raw truth, the good, the bad and the ugly. Not many people have the guts or the balls to lay it all out there..."

 "Hey, look! Here comes Stud Muffin..." "Who...??" "Ryan, you know... That's my nickname for him, Stud Muffin..." "Don't you mean Mud Stuffin...?!?!"

Ryan, If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me. Your Tom Cat

"Dream of me and I of you. We shall meet in the realm of the subconscious. There, we will have never ending peace, love and happiness. I love you..."

"He was here just a while ago asking for you. He said, if you see a guy around six-two, incredible eyes of blue, beautiful smile and a laugh that is so infectious, please tell him he is missed greatly..." "That was my Tom Cat, he's a stealthy, sexy man who never stays in one place for too long. Gosh how I love him..."

Smiles are the great deceiver Shining through the rain So simple So misleading Through my toothy grin You see what you need So false So untrue But believe what you want It makes no difference to me So much pain So much anger My days are long But yours are longer See you when the sun sets So much time In the end

Ryan, Hey, so how's life? How was school? I'm in Dramatic Lit. We're watching a play called Hedda Gabler, we read it and now we are watching it. I like the movie a lot better than I did when I read it. I just talked to Emily about the temple, it was a very interesting discussion. You know don't you that she is getting married? She is WAY excited! O.K. I've just finished all my classes and since I missed lunch and it's 3:10, I'm starving to death! Don't believe me? All I've had today is two glasses of non-fat dry milk and a non-fat homemade roll. (it was GOOD!) You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, well I just like it! So there! Ha! Ha! Are you going to send Valentine's stuff to Rita! You'd better. I know how it feels to be a loner on Valentine's Day. I didn't mean to be rude this morning when I said that about seminary, I just miss having you in there! I was worried about it after I dropped you off. I hope you don...

Happy Valentine's Day... There's no place like being in my Ryan's arms, I already love you more than anything... ❤️ I LOVE YOU! ❤️  Your Tender Tom Cat 

"So after all this time, what's the total and all defining conclusion you can come to about him...?" "He was a total fuck boy, Ryan. You know that. That's exactly what he was, a fucking fuck boy..." "What does that even mean...??" "It means he had a tendency to hide his insecurities while using lies and manipulative tactics to get what he wanted from you in order to feel happy or at least satisfied, while not truly caring about your well being. And all his selfish personal satisfaction came at the expense of your mental and emotional stability. To break it down for you, he was a fuck boy, or an insecure narcissist, an extremely convincing and charming emotional con artist. He made you feel guilty most of the time so that the games he was playing would be in his favor. You were naïve, gullible, damaged and hurt, so you didn't know the signs. He preyed on your weaknesses. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. He didn't mind fucking you ...

 Ryan, Hey waz up? Not much here. I can't remember if I'm supposed to tell Ali anything? Do you really like her? Do you even know who she is? Guess what? I get off probation on Saturday the 26th. Cool, huh? This Wednesday I will have been going out with Dustin for 3 weeks. You should draw me a picture, so I can hang it on my door in my bedroom. We'll I better go, I just wanted to find out about Ali. You should call Ali for the hell of it. Or you can call me. Well, gotta go.  Hasta Luego  Your friend,  Brandy Write Back 

 Ryan, OK I won't tell Ali anything! What do you think she is ugly or what? I know it wuz a joke but I thought you wanted me to tell her as a joke. Life sucks! Why doesn't your mom want you in the play? Well I'm failing General Science. Yes you will pass. Yep! Your writing is cool. I ain't a little freshman, I'm the best freshman though. Ali didn't think I was telling her the truth when I said I wuz your friend. Then when I wuz talking to you she about shit her pants. Hasta Luego  Love Brandy Write Back Soon

Ryan,  Before you walk away from me like that again, I hope you'll stop and listen to what I have to say, without becoming too emotional. I seemed to have offended you, and I fear I deeply hurt you. I hope that isn't so. If so, I am truly sorry. I don't feel I got through to you like I wanted to. So, I'll write it down for you. You'll never truly know the real impact you have on those in your life. You'll never really know how much your simple presence in someone's life means. A smile from you could change someone's entire day, and maybe the entire course of their life. Your kind heart could change one soul, or one hundred. Don't run away, don't wait for someone to be kind to you first, be kind to them first. Don't wait for the perfect moment or for someone to change. And more than anything, just be you, the authentic person I know you are, and that we all can see. We'll all love you, despite all the fear I can see behind your eyes. Don...

"He told me I wasn't enough, and I believed him. But he was the fool. I was enough, he just wasn't enough for me."

"It just didn't feel right, keeping the cat in a box, with a whole warm house to give her. My only other option was to turn her out into the freezing cold, which didn't feel right either. So I did the right thing..."

 "As I work half-autobiographically and half-fictitiously, sometimes people assume that what I am writing in one hundred percent earnest, when it is really leaning into fantasy or cathartic bombast. So, while autobiographical in origin, my stories are more about blowing those feelings up past life-size, to the point of comedy or tragedy."

I arched my head back in complete ecstasy, as he entered me once again.  A spark alit in the corner of the room. It was me, there in the corner, looking back upon my past self, knowing I was there when I shouldn't be. I knew then and there that I wasn't where I was meant to be. Not there with him, not like that.

 Hey Sugar ~ I just dropped by - it's 4:45pm - to see if you wanted to have dinner, but you are not here, ask me if I'm surprised.  Anyway, you probably won't get this in time to eat - Call me if you feel like it. Kisses, Jen

"Go to sleep, Ryan. Forget today. For tomorrow you see, is your destiny..."

You seem to search for a solid idea, One you can grasp and believe. But why would you search for the answer to you, Where the ideas deceive? The truth of your heart and unwilling soul, Is locked tight within yourself.  And the answer to you will never be found, If your thoughts are not in good health.  You let their words bombard your heart, With relentless and driving power. But no one knows you, The real unknown you, Until your greatest hour. Clear your mind of burdening clouds, Born of others' thoughts.  And there you will find your very own mind, One long ago forgot.  The love that I send in great urgency,  Is pure, true, and whole. But clouds on the brain make you insane, And my love will not enter your soul. I accept this fact with hurt and regret, That my love was blocked by pain. But you will not shrug this alias, So we'll ever have clouds on the brain.

I guess I should confess we'd all be in a freakin mess I need to express all of the stress you relieve from my consciousness  You impress with your nobleness and to this we must profess Hangin wit you is like recess  and that's why we love you PRINCESS  by CMF

~ Ryan ~ A thousand times I said it wouldn't be the same. Yet the passion with which we kissed burned like an open flame. I was tasting the bittersweet  forbidden fruits. And questioning why they were forbidden. That's what I ask you now. Why? In your poem you made me question myself, my beliefs, my feelings. I did. I thought long and hard. Should it be? Yes. Could it be? No. For there has to be two minds, two hearts and souls working together to become one. I don't crave any love, I crave your love. I don't crave a relationship, I crave the feeling that you are there. What you do make me question is would it be right? I get the feeling that you mean age wise. Is that true? I realize that you do not love me as a lover, as an intimate friend, as a soothing partner. So I will try from now on to hide my such feelings. But please don't tease me with your tongue. You already know what happens when you do that. Ryan, I long to lay in your arms, to hold you, to comfort you...

you slit my wrists last night   under the stars in the cold Jagged words tore my flesh   all in self defense I won't pretend to know your mind   what you hold inside crimson drops from my finger tips   puddles on the floor Let me tell you what I want   Before you slit my throat By random chance and happen stance   our lives crossed once again looped around in war torn paths   to where it all began My only desire of you   simple as it seems Intertwine with me on the bar room floor   where our chemistry is best Dance with me throughout the night   Forget about the rest I only want the fleeting glance  A rock and roll fantasy This is what I need of you   Nothing else put down your sharpened pencil   clever crafted words With a double edge you broke my heart   what else can I do? Pools of red now cloud my mind   one last breath perhaps don't think too hard about what this is   or what we are together There is no...

"You look to others to reflect back at you love. You look to others for acceptance. You worry too much. You replay events in your head, over and over. You question everything. You yearn to understand people. You have built up a wall, a barrier, and you let few, if any in. Stress is what you make it. Learn to trust others. Find happiness within yourself, or you cannot reflect true happiness back. Take a deep breath. It is OK to relax. Anger is within you... Find it. Then abandon it. Learn to love yourself, or you cannot love another. Leaking energy is tiring. Think of tomorrow. Never be afraid to change. Carry with you the truth of you, that God loves you. Anxiety attacks, not heart attacks. Traumatic events have happened in your past. You give..."

May 25th, 1996 Dear Ryan, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love you for your sense of humor. I like you for your commitment to God & the church. I like you for being involved in theater and acting and helping. I like you for your patience and perseverance, of course, I love you for simply being Ryan Jevne, Fred and a good guy. Fred, Just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. For being married for thirty years, we still have a lot to learn about ourselves and each other. We always will. Don't ever lose your openness to other people. Love, your friend Star Amsbaugh

Perhaps I was created to be alone, as if my heart wasn't made to fit into another's hand, as if every love I've known was only meant to pass through me, never stay. Perhaps I had been created with cracks too deep for others to fill, and walls far too high for others to climb. I do wonder if I was always meant to be the one who watches from afar, one who loves deeply but is never chosen. I watch the world around me, see how people connect so easily, and I wonder if perhaps something is wrong with me. If there's a part of me that keeps me alone, something broken that can't be fixed. Maybe I was made to be the one who understands but is never truly understood. Maybe I'm just meant to listen but never be heard, to love but never be loved the same way. Maybe my heart was made to hold more than it should, to hurt in silence while the world keeps going, not even noticing. If that's true, if I was meant to be alone, then I just hope I can learn to accept it. Perhaps...

5/20/98 Ryan: Okay, I'm not going to say as much as I thought I was. And don't worry, I'm not going to say anything you don't want to hear. But anyway, mostly, I just want to say thank you for being there for me. I appreciate it more than I can say. You'll never know. Also, since you're graduating this weekend, I don't want to lose touch. That happens a lot. You were there for me, and I want to thank you. I guess the only way to do that is to be there for you. So if you ever need to talk, call me. Or even if not, call me sometime. I promise that all I want is a friendship. And last of all, if I ever need to talk, can I call you? It seems like my closer friends don't really understand anything. So, do you mind? Well, I gotta go. Nikky 

Written on the wall in a train station bathroom stall in 1945 : Here I sit broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted. Someone pulled a hell of a caper, left me here without any paper.  Here comes my train I must not linger, look out asshole here comes my finger.

Ryan, You are the best friend I have and I love you for that and for the incredible man I'm getting to know. I love that you chose me to be in your life right now. There are no words to describe how happy you make me. Tom

"When I say I remember him, I mean that I will carry something of who he is with me, that he has left some mark of who he was on who I am. It means I can summon him back to my mind even though time and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, I will know him. It means that even after I die, I can still see his face and hear his voice and speak to him in my heart. For as long as I remember him, I am never entirely lost."

 Ryan, Hey, Hey sweet thing! How's it goin'? Things aren't too good here. I got your letter. Thanks! I needed that. So I see Venessa told you about Kodiak, sorry I didn't tell you. Hope you're not mad at me! I miss you two, like crazy! I'll come and see you guys soon. Tell Venessa to call me sometime. Oh, by the way I don't blame you for being uptight. I understand. So, how's Riverton? Casper sucks! Actually my life sucks! I can't believe we moved here. There's nothing to do here! I know there's like a mall and stuff but, I don't know. Just when things were going good in Riverton, we moved. Just my luck huh! Well talk to ya later gotta           run                    Bye                            Love,                                       ...

"Hey Ryan, are you feeling zesty today!?!?" "Zesty?!? I guess you could say I am, but what the heck does zesty mean...!?!" "All the kids these days say that zesty means gay..." "Oh. Ok! I guess if zesty means gay, yes, I'm feeling zesty today...!" "You are zesty, Ryan, every day, and I say that in a very loving way. We love you, you zesty gay, you!!" "I'm glad that gay kids today are zesty. When I was a kid I was labeled as a homo, queer, fudge packing faggot... Zesty is refreshing..."

 Ryan, don't mind the back of the paper. I'm saving trees.  I'm not as vain as I seem or as shallow as I act. I don't base everything on looks. I wouldn't associate with half the people I do if I did. I just can't stand looking bad. I'm not depressed okay. I just got that way every once in a while. I spend so much time acting like someone else I hardly know what I'm really like myself. You're sweet, but don't you think your sister would have a cow if I called you?   - I already have your #  I learn things 

After all that has happened to me, I surrendered and built a wall, a wall around my once delicate heart. I did this not to forget, but to protect what was left of my heart still intact. Rock by rock, I stacked up the scars and the lessons, to create that wall. All the cracks in that wall were stories I no longer wanted to hold onto. Yet, if someday there is a tender heart that approaches this wall without fear, perhaps this wall will gently fall, and I'll once again open my broken heart, without fear of being broken, again.

"You were there, Ryan, you were there in the beginning. Before the big bang. You were instrumental in creating this world. You saw it from the very beginning to the very end..."

He seemed Hell bent, Hell bent on denying me, Hell bent on destroying me. He was Hell bent. Hell bent on consuming me, Hell bent on killing me, Hell bent on killing my soul. R.L.J.

"The wounds that I inflicted upon myself were far worse than the wounds that were inflicted upon me by others. They were wounds of guilt and regret, knowing that I failed to live my own truth. These wounds festered in the darkness, hidden away from the light. They bled me dry, by and by. Yet I carried my wounds anyway. Some may never heal, for maybe I'm supposed to suffer in silence, a prisoner of my own making..."

Ryan, I am sorry for getting so upset at lunch. I just can't stand there and watch Ashley be hurt like that. I realize that it's not your fault if maybe you don't feel for her the way she feels for you. I urge you, though, to give her a chance. I urge you to get to know her and then decide if she truly isn't for you. From now on I'm out of it until Ashley comes to me for advice again. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm always floating around somewhere. Andi

Something happens, a certain peace that falls over you, when the illusion starts to dissolve. When you begin to see the world as it truly is, not as you believed it to once be. It isn't the pain of all the losses or the burn of a breakup or the melancholy that comes with the reality that life's grandiose lies in your perception, not in the reality. When you can acknowledge that all things are not permanent, all things change and the beautiful fragile moments of wonder that we experience cannot be called back. And all the fairy tales we were raised on, the ones that promised us all happy endings, with heroes and lovers, where love wins and happiness is a place, all that fades away under the weight of living other experiences. Love, we learn, is not lasting or eternal, it comes and it goes, it dims and flickers, victim to circumstances, misunderstandings and the broad expanse of time. It's the love we have in the moments in between, the fleeting times that pass, never to be p...

Ryan, You said, "write it down..." So here it is. Why don't you see why I diet and exercise? I'm too fat. I am not fat obese, ect., I know that. Don't worry I am not going to develop Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa. I am not obsessed & I do not want to look like Venessa, she has no figure. Okay. Now that we have established that let's try to help you understand.  I need to lose weight. Ok? My waist is too big. You've seen me in my green dress. My waist looks like it's 3 feet wide. I have some inches to lose.  I know I have large hips. I've been informed. I'm not blind. I can't lose bone. Just look at my Mom, I'm stuck with an hourglass figure.  I'm not satisfied with how I look. I've been told repeatedly that I'm stupid, ugly & fat. I've had that driven in my head for years. Most females care how they look. Don't tell me Venessa or your Mother don't care about their appearance. I care extremely how I ...

I am a lonely soul, out here, on the other side of the glass, looking in on all of you, wondering how I have become so jaded, and all of the pain that I am going through is starting to make me feel invisible. There was once upon a time when I lived on the other side of the glass, where I found love and laughter, yet now I'm on the other side, away from all of you, and no one is coming around anymore. It's painful in here, living so, knowing there is no longer an open door, just glass, as I peer in on you, each and every day. I wonder and sit, thinking of life before that glass came between us. What happened to me, I do not know, but I must accept my new role here, where I truly wish to be is no longer what is needed for my lonely soul. I'm on the other side of my old reality, with no possible way to bring it back. The dreams I have are my only freedom, but even there there is a resistance to an indifferent reality. A reality that once shined, before I lost myself. Life goes...

Ryan, Hey, I am at work right now, and there has hardly been any calls. Thank you again for last night. I will always remember that. You have no idea how special you are. I know you don't like the mushy gushy stuff, but I want you to hear it. There are a lot of things about me that people don't know and would not understand, I don't even understand them. Last night was one of the nights where I could not understand myself. Things that I thought were not rational. I don't know why I do that or what happens to me, but there are times I get like that. Thank you for treating me the way you do. You say that you didn't know what to do last night, or how to respond to me, but you did exactly what I needed. You left me alone, didn't say a thing. Because of that I was able to go home and figure myself out, or I should say straighten myself out, and feel better. I am a difficult person, and I don't even know what to do most of the time when I get that way. But somehow...

"Good morning Ryan..." "Good morning. How did you sleep?" "Not very well, you kept me awake all night. You were dreaming, out loud. You were talking all night, about this and that and everything, and I have so many questions I don't even know where to start..."

Ryan - Well Hello there!!! How are you surviving play practice?? You know what? You are so talented, I expect to see you acting with all the greats when you get older... Broadway of otherwise... because you're amazing and you can do it. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'll never forget you when I move... which is in 32 days incidentally. Maybe it was because you were my first love, and I mean that, or maybe it was because I saw something in you that I've failed to see in anyone else at RHS. I still love you, but on a different level than I did at first. You're a special guy. Anyways, good luck with the play and crap... Keep writing and acting. Wherever your dreams take you, I hope you'll be happy. "I killed it, Gilbert!!" Love, Ashley 4:20! something to make you smile; or, just think about periwinkle lollipops. Don't let anyone read this, k. I see you kept that ring....

Ryan - Wow, I've really left you in the dark haven't I? Well, all I can say is - that was my fault. It's hard for me to be open. And what happened the other night was probably my fault too - in one way or another I probably instigated it. Don't prejudge me, though - OK? I don't sleep around. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't be writing this note right now. I haven't 'been' with a lot of guys. And in case you wanted to know but didn't ask, I AM a virgin. I don't know what gave you the impression that I wasn't - but I am, and until I find the right person, I intend to stay that way. I won't deny that I have been in a lot of relationships this year, because I have. And in each one I saw something that made me want to go out with them. One aspect. A single thing... one attribute that attracted me to them in the first place. I guess that's why those relationships were so short lived. I jumped into them blindly, almost without fores...

An evening of thinking of the man that has come into my life, I can't think of anything better, except having him next to me. Hope you're having a good evening. Hey, do you know what? I LOVE YOU! Yep, I do, very much!!! ❤️💕

"He felt alone in a world that loved him, yet he couldn't love himself. The world was tearing itself apart from the inside out, and he couldn't figure himself out. Yet he knew without a doubt that the world would figure itself out, just as he could ultimately find his own way out."

"He came to me at a time in my life when I needed rescued and he saved me. He saved me from absolute ruin. Ruin of every kind imaginable. He came like a sweet angel of mercy. I hope that someday, even after all the anger and regret that tore us apart, that he'll remember he was my angel, even if I made him face the demons of his own heart..."

"Hey Ryan, do you hate Trump today...??" "I have strong feelings about him, but I don't hate him..." "I thought you might say that..." "And why is that??" "Because he hates you, for being you, so you should hate him, too..." "Can't you see, that's exactly what he wants, he wants to divide us, he wants us to hate each other? Hate will not live in my heart as it does in his..."

"So, Jesse has decided that everyone at work should be some kind of fruit or vegetable, based on their personality and overall vibe. He thinks that I'm cotton candy grapes, because I'm super sweet, expensive and all the ladies love me... How about you, what kind of fruit or vegetable are you...??" "I'm a kumquat I've decided. First of all because I like saying kumquat, especially with an emphasis on the first syllable. And secondly because I'm sweet and unassuming on the outside and incredibly bitter and acidic on the inside. Plus, no one knows what to do with me and most people have decided I'm not worth the effort to find out..."

"Ryan, your eyes are so damn pretty I just wanna poke them out..." "Whoa, that was extreme but flattering..."

Hello My Tom Cat! I was thinking it would be lovely to have a naked day at my place tomorrow! We could take a long hot shower, then snuggle all afternoon and watch some silly classic movie together.  Let me know if you're 'up' for that! Love, Tom's Ryan

Hey Ryan, All you ever have to do is just ring my bell and I'll be right there at the door for you. So come over any time, and ring my bell! Jasper

"It's it ironic, Ryan, that you would find love in the arms of an older man, a man so much like your father?" "I don't find it ironic at all, no. I find it romantic..."

Happy Anniversary RYAN Ryan, I can't believe it has been three years since we got together. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime, other times it seems like only yesterday! I know that God had a hand in bringing us together, and I'm grateful! I love you! ~ Your Wife

It's fine, Ryan, my love. It's fine to do your own thing. It's fine to reply late. It's fine to be sad and not talk to me. It's fine to turn off your phone and sleep all day. It's fine to be distant. It's fine to figure things out on your own. It's fine to restore your peace of mind. It's fine to weep silently from the baggage you still carry. It's fine to lie down for a while and forget about everything. It's fine. Remember that I love you, and that includes understanding your chaos, supporting your journey, and giving you enough distance to think. I know that sometimes, you just need to choose yourself, but your love for me remains the same.  You are fine and you'll always be fine. And my love, it's all just fine.

"I notice you have a habit of clinging to things, as you cling to your pillow as you fall to sleep at night. This would suggest to me that you've lost things, perhaps not just things, but also people, people you have lost to the night. Is that right??"

He had white face,  And so did I. He kept his hid, And so did I. We looked for white, Our life whole through. As we passed each other by, We never knew. R.L.J.

"So, I confess, I dream about you. And all you'll say is I just want your horse cock. You are sexy as fuck to boot, one of the sexiest men in Wyoming. So I was the fool and I fell in love with you, what more can I say...?"

"He probably didn't fall in love with you, Ryan. Most likely, he just experienced the intensification of his own egotistical needing and wanting. He became addicted to you, or at least the image of you. That has nothing to do with true love, true love has no needing or wanting whatsoever. Love exists as a state of being, love is not outside, but deep inside. And since you can say you still love him, it can never leave you and you'll never lose it. For you see, he never really loved you to begin with, and the beautiful irony is that you'll always love him."

"Nobody is really ever thinking about you, Ryan. They never were, they weren't and they aren't. They don't have the time to worry about you, or how well you are, they're all just too busy, caught up in their own silly drama..."

"As he slipped out the door once again to engage himself in his foolish habitual nature, I knew he wasn't the man he said he was, he wasn't the man for me."

"Don't worry too, too much Ryan, for you are not too long for, or in this world. You're only here for as long as you choose to be. You'll be going soon..."

"Hey Ryan, you wanna try some of this cheese curd...!?!" "No, you touched it with your fingers...!!" "But, you'll lick a man's butthole...?!?"

Ryan,  You're such a tease, you always say just what you please and then you walk away, it's not fair. Why won't you ever just stay with me long enough to talk? You're such a cock jock! John

"What time would you like your chariot to arrive, sexy man?" "Surprise me, I'm sure you'll arrive precisely when you are needed..."

"I still think you are one of the sexiest men I have ever met. If we were in a different place I’d lock your cock down..." "Oh yeah? What's that mean?" "That I’d be with you and you would be mine..."

Ryan, I don't know what to think of you! Last night it seemed like things might be better today. Yet as soon as I see you, you suddenly seem pissed. I know you don't like me asking what's wrong all the time as it makes you feel like you never do anything right, but honey, 90% of the time there is pretty obvious reason for me asking. I'm sorry, but to most people the silent treatment means that something is wrong. And it's not that I think something is wrong with you, I naturally feel that since I am the one getting the brush off, I'm the one who has apparently done something wrong. I have told you time and time again that I am sorry for nights like last night, but I can't help it when I feel that way. To be honest I feel so unattractive, so overweight, that I can't even enjoy when we have sex like I used to and like I should, because all I can think about the whole time is that I am not good enough or experienced enough, or pretty enough to really please...

"What are you doing rearranging rooms, are you getting ready for company??" "Yes. Your company. Hopefully you will appreciate all the sunshine that will be shining on my naked body. If the sun shines when the time comes..." "Well, whether or not the sun shines, your naked body will still shine in my eyes..."

"I need you to have faith with all that you have unresolved in your heart. And all the unanswered questions you have, you've got to lock that all away. Don't question all of that. For you already know all the answers."

"Why are you looking at me like that, Ryan?!" "I haven't seen you since Christmas, that's why..."

"Why haven't you posted another blog lately, Ryan??" "I'm busy with a book now..."

"Ryan, you have got to let everyone misunderstand you and tell stupid stories and label you as this or that. For they will only see pieces of you they are willing to see. They will see your truth only to twist it, and they'll describe you only by your flaws and confine you to the fine roles they have played only in their minds. That is their story, not yours. Your story is far deeper than theirs..."

"I've become a forgotten father. Ironically so, because I've somewhere along the way forgotten my father. A generational pattern that I've somehow wanted to break, but have unintentionally repeated. I guess I deserve, then, to be a father, a father forgotten."

"The world you know now is about to change, and I hope you're ready for that, Ryan..." "The world I know has already changed, but we have all been too busy with our selfish business to realize it."

Hey Ryan, Please know I'm with you and love you. Your mantra is, I'm healthy, I can make my life better. I have a great man in my life that loves me. I love you, and you have me to love. Your Tender Tom

"Don't you think you're the fool in your own game, Ryan? Don't you feel you're the only one to blame?" "Of course not, no, for I was the last fool in a long line of fools that followed my foolishness into being a fool." "You're a genius, Ryan, for we are all fools. And in admitting we are fools is where our genius begins..."

"I hate you Ryan, you make me sick!" "Why do you hate me so, I haven't done anything to you...?" "I don't know what it is, I just do..." "Can't you see? I'm just you, from a different point of view..."

"You won't have to worry about him for much longer, Ryan. For you see, I put a curse on him..." "Why would you do that?" "Because he hurt you, he broke your heart. He made you afraid to live your life. So now we must take his livelihood from him. I cursed his business, from here on out. Any business ventures he has from here on out will fail..." "Don't you think that's extreme?!" "No, these are the lengths a mother will go to to protect her son..."

Good morning Ryan, The sun is shining, no more pining. Just we two, shining through.  I love you. ❤️ 💙 💜 

"I hate working here Ryan, this job fucking sucks the life out of my very soul..." "Well, my dear you fail to see what a magical little grocery store you exist in. Maybe you should change your perspective..."