A Wall Goes Up

Ryan -

Wow, I've really left you in the dark haven't I? Well, all I can say is - that was my fault. It's hard for me to be open. And what happened the other night was probably my fault too - in one way or another I probably instigated it. Don't prejudge me, though - OK? I don't sleep around. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't be writing this note right now. I haven't 'been' with a lot of guys. And in case you wanted to know but didn't ask, I AM a virgin. I don't know what gave you the impression that I wasn't - but I am, and until I find the right person, I intend to stay that way.

I won't deny that I have been in a lot of relationships this year, because I have. And in each one I saw something that made me want to go out with them. One aspect. A single thing... one attribute that attracted me to them in the first place. I guess that's why those relationships were so short lived. I jumped into them blindly, almost without foreseeing the consequences, if any. With Scott, I saw a devoted, sensitive person; and I was so taken by the good part of him that I became blind to all the negative characteristics; short-tempered, shallow, plus he was incredibly jealous; controlling almost. Guy friends weren't to be accepted. Whenever he called and I wasn't home, he immediately assumed that I was out with another guy. He was closed minded and kinda selfish, and he put a lot of prejudgment on me I felt I didn't deserve. Kinda like the ones you're labeling me with. I'll contradict myself and say that maybe I'm deserving of them this time, but I'd really like to know what it is about me that makes you think that way.

I'm confused. It's like for a second or two, I can see that you like me, and then a wall goes up. You close me off. You wonder why I could like you. I can come close to telling you the reason, but I'll be honest; I can't pin point it, because even I don't know what exactly it is.

Like I said before, I see something in people that makes me want to be around them. I see it in Andrea; she's comfortable with the person she is, and if she's unhappy with herself she's willing to change. She's always looking on the bright side. And she's brave. I see it in Gina, too - She has this incredible sense of well-being that emanates from inside, and she's considerate and intuitive. She has foresight, too, which is always good. And she's sympathetic and selfless.

And as much as you probably want it to be otherwise, I see something in you too. You're intelligent, not only academically but emotionally. You're cautious and aware of what's around you. You're willing to take risks, but not before considering consequences. You're funny, you're sweet, and there's something else there I can't describe. That probably seems fake, but I'm being honest.

When you asked me the other night if 'I had gotten what I wanted?' I didn't know what to say. I was hurt - obviously I had offended you, although I didn't know how. I've had a lot of time to think, and what I want is for you to love me and trust me, and nothing more than you are willing to give. I want you to be happy. Whatever you choose I will accept, as long as you're happy with the decision.

I guess I can talk all I want and it won't change your mind. I've messed things up again, all self-pity aside; and I'll take the responsibility for what I did. I'm sorry. I know I probably won't have a chance to be forgiven... But you really need to realize I'm just as, if not more, confused as you are.

Consider all I said and take it as you will, I know I'm off to a bad start, but everything that does or doesn't happen from now on doesn't have to be bad, too. I can love you if you'll let me.

Ashley

P.S. I forgot to put one thing in there. You need to know that I do care about you. I really do. You've become a big part of my life. There hasn't been a day that went by in the past few weeks that I haven't thought about you. And when I heard about Rita, from Gina's perspective, I cried for you. How's that for 'deep caring?'