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Unknown Friends

 "I feel so alone Doctor Dorothy. Even when I'm in the company of the most lovely people. I have a tendency to isolate when I feel overwhelmed. After all that's happened to me I feel safer that way. Often I must remind myself that I am not what has happened to me, I am who I am choosing to become. Do you understand?" "Yes Ryan, I do. No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you. Have you found that to be true?" "Yes, of course I have."

Cute Little Bottom

"He sat there upon his cute little bottom, thinking to himself how perfectly cute his little life was. Clicking on all the other cute little life's he thought were little but cute, but we're just like him, only more little, less bottom and more cute..."

Underthings

He showed up at my door, his pants and shoes packed with snow. He asked to be kept within my home as it was freezing outside.  My warm heart invited him in. Where he stripped himself of all his cold and wet clothes. Coat, shirt, pants, socks and all underthings.  Until he lay bare upon my bed, wanting to be warmed by me. Never did I ever see a cold boy needing to warmed by anyone but me. And so I warmed him so, all night long.

Fairytale

"You must miss him, some days, right? Part of you must still care for him. A little piece of your heart must, Ryan. Am I right?" "I can't say for sure anymore. I feel I don't miss him. I miss the fairytale I wrote about him, but I don't miss him. I suppose I miss the version of him my heart invented. But surely, I do not miss him..."

I'm Somebody

If it would help to know that somebody cares... I'm somebody. RyRy, I know something is bugging you. I just wanted to let you know I love you and I care. You're my best friend in Da Hole World! Love you 4-Ever Love,          Sandi  

HOME

Heading to bed. I love you. I hope the kids got home ok. ❤️❤️❤️ They are home safe. I cried. I wished I was home with them. I wish I was home with you. I love you. Goodnight. ❤️ 💙 💜  You are a good father and a wonderful lover. XOXO ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 

One Last Wave

Ryan I don't want to say goodbye I don't want to see you leave I don't want to see you drive away With one last wave I want to beg you to stay But I know you're not happy With your life this way... You're going to get a fresh start Where no one knows your broken heart A tear stained pillow is what greets me when I'm home When I realize I'm all alone Because my best friend went away Never again will I find a friend like you You gave me hope that dreams come true Reach for mine is what you always told me to do To smile away my tears And don't let people see my fears So many memories I treasure of you And everything we have been through I never thought I'd be without you But a phone call away is all you'll be When I need the comforting words you always say You have helped me look at life in a brighter way I love you and wish you could stay... And I'll miss you every day You're my best friend Please never forget me I Love You Ryan! By Sandi S...

Sum You Up

 Even after all the words and all the ink and all the blank pages painted black with the adjectives of you, one thing is abundantly clear as I continue to bleed out on all these pages. Nothing I write will ever be enough to sum you up.

Just A Man

 I'm home. Thanks for another wonderful time, my sweet Tom Cat! I love you! You are the one to be thanked. Thank you for being in my life. Without you I'm just a man who wishes to love a good man. How lucky I am. I love you so much.

Naughty Boy

"Golly, I must have been a good boy this year. I'm getting everything I want for Christmas this year. Two weekends off in a row, days on end with my kids... A shopping spree with a sweet man who may as well be Santa in disguise... Sweet sexy man! I'm truly spoiled this holiday season. And if Santa really did exist, he would surely know that I've been a truly naughty boy this year and deserve absolutely none of this... But, shhhh, it'll be our little secret..."

With Extra Pickles

just think, once we were strangers... ... now we're just strange friends. RyRy, I just wanted to tell you that I love you AND that you are the bestest FRIEND in Da-Whole World. And you make me smile when I'm sad. But you make me glad that I met someone like you, cause then my life would be blue if I never met you and I'm really happy that I can be a nut and you will be with me. We're mixed nuts. I love you long time with extra pickles. Ruff,          Sandi A true friend sticks by you. Remember I'll always be there.  

Dreams & Wants

"I think there is a gentleman that is going to be a little older tomorrow... I can't remember his exact age... He seems to be ageless in my eyes and heart..." "I wonder who that could be??" "I will do a little investigation and get back to you. I think he works at a market that sells dreams and wants. Something to fill the void in one's stomach and help it through the journey out to only be repeated again and again..." "You know how to melt my heart, mister..." "I've heard he has a huge... heart... the eyes of a puppy and a smile that brings you into him, wanting to be surrounded by his arms and hugged so tight his love passes through to you..." "Yeah, I think I know the guy..."

A Beautiful Thing

 "I've suffered so much in my life, Doctor Dorothy. I should have broken a thousand times over. What I've been through should have ended me. I may not seem like I'm damaged, or look like it on the outside, but I've got deep scars on my soul. Some may never heal. How I remain strong is a mystery to me." "Oh, Ryan. You should understand by now that out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars. Everyone wants to skip the struggle not knowing that that's where character is built. Consider yourself lucky, for I can see that your character has been created by trauma. Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain. You may not think that a beautiful thing, but believe me, from where I sit it's a beautiful thing indeed."

Window of Tolerance

"This holiday season was a roller-coaster, Doctor Dorothy. It was filled with so many conflicting emotions, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. I felt as if I was walking a tight rope, always on the edge of riding heart-felt laughter or falling into tears of extreme sadness remembering holidays that had passed before. I couldn't seem to find a stable middle ground of feeling alright. Does this make sense?" "Of course it does Ryan. The holiday season is often a time that holds a variety of emotions for many people. It sounds to me like you were searching for your window of tolerance during a time when one isn't often found..." "I'm sorry, Doctor Dorothy. A window of tolerance... Can you explain what that is, please??" "The window of tolerance is a psychological concept describing the optimal zone of emotional and physiological arousal in which a person can function most effectively. Within this window individuals can think ...

Cold of Night

If I knew then what I know now, I never would have opened the door of my life to you. You said you needed my warmth, my light and my love. You bled me dry of all my love, my light, my warmth. Then you wondered why I left you in the cold of night, never to return. 

A Loving Heart

  You've been blessed with a loving heart. Works of love are always works of joy. The same loving hands that created the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars, created your wonderfully loving heart and the beautiful person you are. Your birthday isn't just about celebrating the day you were born. It's also about remembering all the joyful ways you share His light and love with everyone around you - especially me. Have a Blessed Birthday We love you! ~ Mom & DAD!

Amen

Dear God, Please bless my son with good health, strength, and protection in every step he takes. Guide him toward success, fill his heart with peace, and surround him with love and kindness. May his life be full of happiness, hope and courage to overcome every challenge. Keep him safe from harm, let his dreams flourish and let him always feel Your presence and love guiding him through every moment. A Loving Father Amen

Dildo Baggins

"Ryan, I've decided after seeing your collection of toys and other such pleasure devices that you keep stashed away in your dirty duffle bag that I must now give you a naughty nickname to go along with it..." "And what might that be, I wonder...??" "How about something Lord of the Ringsish... like Dildo Baggins?" "Yes, I love that!!" "Yes, sir, your new naughty nickname shall be Master Dildo Baggins!!"

Lost In The Dark

  Ryan, Please call me tomorrow. I need to talk to you. I need to know what happened. I'm lost in the dark. I was just talking to Anna and something happened. Please tell me, I'm in the dark!! Love            Sandi I have tomorrow off and Anna wants me and you to call her! She needs to tell us something! If you want we can go tomorrow! To see her!

Diaper Videos

"He messaged me late one night, saying he was curious and lonely. He had been married again, to a woman. Even though I knew better. We'd been together a few years before. He had this thing, where he'd send me videos of himself in diapers. Erect. He got off that way..."

Christmas Curses

He drug the bare Christmas tree down his narrow staircase by the trunk and let it rest on the cream colored carpet he had just freshly cleaned.  He cursed several times as he reluctantly welcomed the tree into his space. For you see, he hadn't had the true spirit of Christmas in his home for years.  He'd become a ghost of the man he once knew, a man who once loved Christmas with his whole heart. Now a man who found the season to be filled with bittersweet holiday memories. Memories that left tiny holes in his heart, spaces where loved ones used to be, now only there as he cared to pull them out like strings of memories.  He stood the tree up in the cramped corner beside the couch, framed by the window behind it. It was a beautiful tree, one that held hope that perhaps it would be dressed with ornaments long lost and buried, in a box somewhere yet to be found. Tucked away like his memories were. He found the box, dusted the top off and began to dig around. And there he fou...

Toothless Chipmunk

It's your 1/2 way to 50 Birthday and I'm thinking about you -- Because friends don't desert friends in a CRISIS!!!! Oh no, you are getting so old I just don't know what to do. Just think, when you are the big 50 I will only be 45, my. But that's ok, I will love you still, even when you are bald and a fat old man that farts all the time. And I'll be farting along with you, laughing like a toothless chipmunk. But I wanted to say I love you, always will and happy birthday. Happy 1/2 way to 50th Birthday Hope it's a great one. Love you long time, extra pickles XOXOXO Love me hug me tell me that you love me Love,          SANDI

Tree of Temptation

He was tempting, like the tree with the forbidden fruit. He stood before me, solid, silent and still. I could feel the heat emanating off his smooth, bare body. I shivered as I stepped towards him, wishing to be swallowed in his arms. I stood before the tree with eyes wide open, fully conscious of the ruin it would surely bring upon me.

ANXIETY

"Doctor Dorothy, my anxiety has been out of control lately. It's insane. Every step I take feels like a risk, every corner I turn feels like a turn towards chaos. I feel like everyone is out to get me and that sooner or later the last shoe will drop and my whole tiny little world will come crashing down. I know it's all in my head, but it feels so real. You must have some words of comfort or advice for me..." "Yes, Ryan, of course. Anxiety is just your psyche trying to avoid the fear you are feeling. Like a child who is trembling alone in your adult body. An adult lost in the stories of your own heightened mind. Your mission is to silence the child within and to sit beside him. Sit with yourself, remember who you are. Take what hurt that little child and sit with it long enough for it to become soft. That's how healing your soul works. Don't waste anything, let it be transformed..."

Safe With Me

 "Ryan, I will be truthful with you and you must be truthful with me, and we shall find ourselves in the knowing. People think that intimacy is about sex, but intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is 'you’re safe with me', that’s intimacy..." "I feel safe with you, Tom..."

Voluptuous Love Pickle!

  RYRY!  Happy Holidays Hello my honey bunches of oats My voluptuous love pickle! I miss you so much. I wish I could be with you, but I know how it goes. I love you and hope to get to see you soon. Well love you long time and forever. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Hug me love me,                    Sandi Have a great Ho-Ho-Ho Day! Hope you was good so Santa finds you. XOXO

Buried Truth

 "He died just a few days ago, you know. You remember him, don't you? You went to school together and church, too. They say he died after a tragic fall while working. Do you think that's what really happened?" "Yes, of course I remember him, from school and church and other places... Believe it or not, we were naughty together once, on a dark cold night. We found some comfort and pleasure in each other, after drinking beer and smoking some weed. He said he wasn't out and that he didn't want anyone to know. He was raised in the church, like I was. He was married with children, but he knew he was into men. So we got naked and did the deed, with him on top of me, riding himself into a moaning orgasm and then exploding on my chest. He passed out after that, and I drove home in the rain. We talked about it a few years later, and he said he didn't remember that night. I think he lied, I think he remembered it, but he just didn't want to admit that it ha...

That Man

 As he buried himself into his blankets and bed for the night, he thought very deeply and loudly to himself, "How can I possibly be the man I need to be for all those who expect me to be me tomorrow, when I already gave so much of that man away today?"

Beautiful Boy

 He was beautiful, A beautiful boy, Soon to become, A beautiful man. A beautiful son, Brother, Friend, companion, Lover. Until he became all the sudden estranged, Mixed up and rearranged, And suddenly changed. Forever blamed and damned.  For one crime.  Being himself.  R.L.J.

500 Miles

"She does not get to take my children five hundred miles away from me and then tell me how to be a father. She's there, I am not. If I were there, things would be different. But I am not..."

Harsh Reality

"I thought and believed that he could and would meet me where I was. Lost and longing, lingering and wanting. He found me at my lowest and I believed he was there to save me. And I believed he believed he would. But impossible beliefs believe impossible things and harsh realities step in and quickly chase away possibilities..."

Jerry McUseless

"Ryan, will you please look after the milk when I leave for the night. Lord knows Jerry isn't going to work it. What does that man do around here? Other than talk shit and stand entirely too close to younger girls. He's a creepy pervert who doesn't pull his own weight around here. He walks out of here with things all the time. Have you ever seen him do any actual grocery shopping? No. He won't work a register and he bullies the only male cashier we have here and Brandon does nothing about it. Every other supervisor is worth their while here, but not him. He needs to retire or die. He needs to change his last name to McUseless. Yeah, Jerry does everything but his job McUseless. Yes, Mister Jerry McUseless..."

Chicken Liver Pate

"Do you like my homemade pate Ryan? It's made with chicken livers, brandy, garlic and cream cheese." "To be honest, I really don't care for it..." "Why not, what's wrong with it?! I love it. I thought you'd love it, too." "Well, it's just not for me. It's like creamy cat food whipped into a disastrous surrender. It made me sick to my tummy..." "Well, that's the last time I make pate for you!"

My Third Ex Wife

"So last night I went out and had drinks with my third ex wife and her new boyfriend. She was charming and captivating as usual. Displaying all the qualities that made me fall in love with her in the first place. I found her new man equally captivating and even more charming. The way he would look at me when he knew she wasn't looking was disarming and arousing. He reminded me of someone I'd probably met in another life or somewhere long forgotten. He'd lick his lips and smirk, as if imagining my genitals were once where his had most recently been. Never awkward, he was raw and honest, making me feel things a man had not for quite some time. I do wonder if she had found another man like me, only she hadn't gotten around to figuring it out yet. Yet, I would not be the man to tell her..."

I'm Not Broken

"Ryan. I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time about things. This is probably a conversation I should have approached fifteen to twenty years ago. But you know me, I'm always late with things that weigh on my heart." "Yes. What would you like to talk about?" "What happened to you? What made you want to be with men? Was it something that happened to you when you were younger? Was it me? I know I was a soft mother. Was it your dad, was he too distant? What was it? I need to know..." "Oh my..." "I know. It's a lot, but please tell me." "Nothing happened to me. I was given more than enough love in my childhood. I was rather spoiled as I think back and remember. I was never without anything I needed. You were soft, yes, but only because you love so deeply. Dad cannot help but be distant, that's just who he is, nothing can change that. I have that quality in me, too, when emotions run too high..." "Then...

Pocket Pills

He thought himself the luckiest of boys. He had scored himself a pocket full of pills. Pills of all types. Pink ones and blue ones, and ones with silly numbers on them. He was all about mixing them for mysterious effects. He was careless and sloppy, broken hearted and reckless. Young and shattered. He cared little about what these pills might do to his fragile body and psyche. He only cared that the pills separated himself from all the torment he felt while left with his own raw thoughts and emotions. That night he threw back a hand full of colors and numbers, daring fate to take his life if it dared. And it almost did.  Mercy came in the middle of the cold winter night, in the form of a woman in white. Who whispered in his ear.  "It's not your time yet my dear..."

Inside Out

"What happened with you two? There seemed to be so much love between you two, so much hope. Two men obviously in love and obsessed with each other. What happened? Please tell me..." "Well, we lied. It wasn't love. Just two wounded hearts inside broken humans trying to become whole in each other's shadows. We wanted love, we wanted hope and we wanted each other. What happened was this... We ripped each other apart from the inside out. We saw each other as we were and we couldn't accept the reality of that. We both didn't love ourselves, so how could we possibly love each other...?"

Dirty Angels

"I always felt like an angel. Only an angel nobody wanted. I didn't like the idea of heaven, it was too perfect. Too much perfection for one who lived with scratches and on scraps. So I made noise and messed my hands. I said the wrong words to the right people and the right people left me. I kicked them down, with a push and a shove. And there they were, mud on their hearts, naked, broken. Yet still able to looked at me as if the fall was the only real choice. Angels who didn't care to prove themselves. Angels shining in the dirt with dignity and nothing left to lose. Then I realized that we are all angels, fallen, trying to make our way back to the heaven we had forgotten..."

📦 BOXES 📦

There once was a story.  About little people who lived in boxes. Boxes of walls and spaces.  They looked into boxes and thought inside boxes and boxed their thoughts and feelings and things into boxes.  They'd boxed themselves in, Wondering why there were so many walls around everything they did. They loved their boxes.  They lived inside them, And they'd die inside them, Too. Trapped inside boxes of things, Thoughts and feelings, And themselves.  Boxed in. R.L.J.

Happy Ending

And then he realized why he'd been chased and cornered into the darkest chapter of his life. It was so he could tell it his way, chasten himself out and write himself into the happy ending he knew he always deserved. 

Cream Pies

"Hey Ryan... I came up with a holiday jingle for you. Blue eyes, green eyes, we all love cream pies..." "How clever and holiday appropriate... I do love a good cream pie!!"

Menopause Lane

 "I must be losing my hearing, I'm gonna need a hearing aid soon..." "Why do you say that?" "They've been playing all these new Christmas songs over the speakers in the store, and they played one just now..." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. And the whole time I thought the lady vocalist was saying, 'menopause lane'." "No, Jerry. It's 'Santa Clause Lane'."

Selfish Claws

"All these ladies, with their long fingers and carefully crafted fingernails. They all wear them the same. Only to disguise their true intentions. They are all just selfish claws, crafted and waiting to claw and craft male fools to their own wills..."

Sloppy Pig

"He was a selfish and sloppy lover. He'd spend his time rolling on top of me, satisfying his needs, only to leave me so wanting. And yet he'd ask me afterwards, 'Did you like it?' No of course I did not, you sloppy selfish pig..."

Unsatisfactory

She couldn't look into their bright angelic faces without seeing the man she once loved. The father to her children, the man she had chosen to leave behind. So she could go searching for a replacement. Another eternal companion, one she'd one day find just as unsatisfactory. 

Walk Away

"Tell me what to do, please?! I don't need much. She wants too much from me. I'm doing all I can, yet she still wants more from me. How can I possibly win against a woman that is so relentless??" "Don't you see Ryan? The person who needs the least has the most power in any negotiation. In relationships, in business, in life. Reduce your dependencies. Build options. The freedom to walk away is the ultimate leverage..." "I've already walked away..." "Then you have all the power..."

Forever Lost

He believed in the idea of together forever.  And then he began to live his life,  Then he realized, That nothing was ever, Together forever.  For everything was all together, Forever lost. R.L.J.

Deviled Eggs

"I want deviled eggs! It was the one thing they didn't have yesterday!" "Rachel said the same thing. She is going to make a dozen. I'll try and snatch a couple for you. She's very possessive over her eggs..." "I understand. It's probably the last thing I need right now. I'm glad I didn't stay the night. I was married to the toilet all night, saying, 'fuck off Thanksgiving!' I knew I shouldn't have eaten the turkey..."

❄️ The First Snow ❄️

The first snow of winter fell gently outside his window, catching the light from the moonlight above. As he settled down into his warm nest of a bed, he knew he was a lucky man, just to be warm, alive, loved and adored. And with that, he drifted off to sleep.

Paper, Ink & Blood

 He poured out his heart, Upon paper, ink, And sometimes blood. He knew that the people in his life couldn't hear the words he had to speak, and so he put them down upon paper, with ink he wished were his blood.  For maybe then they would see how much the words he wished to speak would play upon their hearts. 

❤️ LOVE ❤️

"He had a whole bunch of love just bleeding from every part of him. So much so that most people couldn't take that much love. And I think that's why he was too much for most people. They just weren't ready for all that love. And that's just too bad, because his love was the best kind. It was naked, natural, pure and forgiving. Most poor souls can't handle that kind of love..." 

Within

I drove by your house this evening. It was lit up with dim porch lights, both front and back. But you were not home. I could tell. There were no lights from within.  It was a home where you once brought me, where I felt alive and lived within. Then you shut me out, where you once played home and loved me within.

Catch 22

"You're a beautifully fucked up man, Ryan. And I don't know quite how to take you..." "I know. Being fucked up and beautiful is a catch twenty-two. You've got to take all of me if you want me, the beautiful, the fucked up and the catch twenty-two..."

Free

 "Let these bruises upon your body serve as a testament that the ladies in your life have left their mark. Now I have set them free, and so should you..."

Christmas @ Tommy's

"Oh my goodness! It's Christmas at Tommy's house! Everything looks so beautiful!!" "It's all because I have someone in my life that makes me want to celebrate my life and share my love with him. I love you Ryan..."

Lucky Tommy

Good morning, You are loved by a guy who thought he would never find love again. I am so lucky you are in my life. Be sure to tell yourself that you matter.  I love you, Tommy

Angels & Demons

"You've too many bad habits, too many delights, too many demons, my boy. It's my intention to cut all these things out of your life. You'll have to surrender and let me do this..." "Be ever so careful if you please. If you cut off all my demons my angels might die, too, boy..."

AKA

 Good morning My Dearest Joy, I love the idea of joining the ladies for Wicked! I've been waiting all year for the finale! However, His Royal Highness has prior obligations with an older man who promises to spoil him this weekend in other lands.  I do know I'll be missing out on a grand time. Please call upon my presence once upon another time... Warmest Regards & Love, King Maximillian  AKA ~ Sir Ryan Luke

Silly Boy

"Silly boy, silly man, silly fool. Can't you see that you materialized your reality. Every step of the way, every move you made, every chapter of your story, every one you ever met. Every happy beginning and every sad ending. They all were there because you wished them there. They were thoughts before imaginary, imagination before reality. For you see, silly you, they were all there before you, all you inside you, all there from beginning to end. All you, all them, all they and all you. What a happy hell of a silly story you made, silly boy..."

From Santa

"Hey Dad. Mom says you are Santa this year..." "Really? I'm Santa? Hmm. I wonder what that means? Is that what she she told you?" "Yes..." "Well, if I know your Mom, it means I'm getting all the expensive elaborate gifts this year, the mysterious ones with 'From Santa' written on them. Mom's way of trying to power play the holidays in her usual micro managing Mormon fashion, I suppose..."

Classic Man

"Ryan, you remind me of one of those classic men, like the kind you see in the black and white old movies. You hold yourself so well and speak with class. You seem like an old soul, someone who has lived in another space and time..."

Hot Box

I zipped myself into the sauna, to bake for fifteen to twenty minutes, just hot enough that beads of sweat broke out and ran down between my thin chest hairs and onto my thighs. I tilted my neck and head back, staring into the red hot lights. Time moved differently inside a hot box when one is left naked, moist and motionless.  She had touched me a few long days before, after I had confessed that I was in pain. A strange pain in my shoulder, neck and back. Somewhere between the left shoulder blade and my heart. Intuitive as she was, she knew just where to press after she instructed me to lift my left arm. I lay down on the massage table for fascia release. Little did I know then that there was a whole lot of past hell trauma to be released.  She placed her hands first delicately upon my skin, and then roughly so. Then she brought out her tough tools. "Tell me about yourself..." And so I did. I spoke about my past, long buried. My present, persistent and prolonged. Loves, both...

Smiles & Giggles

  So... How are things with you? Hello you two!! Well, I saw this card and for some off reason I thought it screamed out Katie, Ryan and Sandi... Well, I cannot wait to see you guys, I hope you can work me into your busy schedule... So you two can meet Ryder. He is getting big... He smiles and giggles at everything now. He looks just like me when I was his age, poor guy! But I hope this finds you two good. I hope all your work is great... So I better go now, but I just wanted to say hello and that I love you two and miss you like crazy! Love, Sandi

Fresh @ 24

Dear Ryan! Happy 29! Holey crap you are getting old. Then there is me, young, fresh at 24. Grr... Hot is me. Well I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday and that I love and miss you. Katie and I hope you have a great Birthday! I love you and miss you! Love Sandi Ahh... It's RyRy 

Edge of Sleep

"She'd talk me to sleep most nights, her voice going on and on about this and about that..." "I talked you to sleep again last night."  She'd say in the morning light, as if I'd forgotten about the night before. Which of course I had. "Yes, I know dear, you did it again..." "And do you remember a word I said...?!" "Of course not dear, I was on the edge of sleep..." "Then why do I bother talking to you...?" "Talk to me when I'm awake dear, and not half asleep..."

Fire & Water

"I was a sensitive boy, always highly aware of my surroundings. I was wired to think about so many things all at once. This made each of my thoughts difficult to isolate. I was tender and I memorized facial expressions and tried to make sense of all gestures and mannerisms. I constantly looked for clues as to how anyone else was feeling and I would rush to make sure others felt comfortable. This is where I would often second guess everything I was doing and wonder if I was making things worse. I would look in their eyes and feel either panic or warmth. I'd listen to everything at once, losing any portion of reason. I'd miss all the truth and beauty because I looked too closely. I was a sensitive boy and loved too deeply and hurt too deeply. My dilemma was this, I was both fire and water, warm and wet, hot and cold, all the time..."

Cold IV Drip

I woke to the cool sensation of cold liquid in my left arm veins. I found myself in a hospital bed, not knowing how I had landed there.  "What has happened?" I faintly asked to an empty room. I noticed an IV bag suspended above my bed, dripping life into a body I barely recognized as my own. My head spun with fragmented memories as I surrendered to another spiraling headache and then unconsciousness. I awoke to her words. "You don't remember anything, Ryan? You were lucid, awake and talking to me. You told me so much, I didn't know whether to believe any of it or not. What really happened, Ryan?! I need you to tell me, or I can't do anything to help you..."

Fragile Tipping Point

 He couldn't see beyond the end of his slender pointed nose most days. What was behind it mattered more than anything else. His maniacally, mechanical brain buzzed and whirled with thoughts of only himself and what pleased him. The thought of ever stepping outside his own skin to view life through the lense of someone else's perspective made his skin crawl.  Whenever someone made him feel any ounce of empathy for what they may be going through, he'd check out mentally and emotionally and distance his heart and mind with fantasies of other sorts. Anything to keep his selfish, delicately deranged psyche from the fragile tipping point of internal chaos.

Baby Gravy

"Ryan, don't you want another baby? I could give you one you know. Just give me some of your baby gravy and I'll make us one. It would be so adorable with my Disney eyes and your luscious lips. You know we'd make beautiful babies!" "No thank you, no! My days of servicing the ladies are over. Besides I couldn't take care of another kid, I can barely take care of the one's I already have..."

Sad Spectacle

"Hey Ryan. I had the horrible experience of witnessing your insufferable ex boyfriend at the event in the museum the other night. He was there making an idiotic display of himself with a man that isn't half the man you were to him. It was a sad spectacle, however he worked the room, it seemed he was looking everywhere for you..."

Truly Loved

"I almost died today, Mother. My life flashed before my eyes. I realized then that I haven't fully lived yet, and I have no idea how I truly feel about anything..." "Very few people realize what they truly feel until they are at least forty. Ryan, you do understand that death is not the important thing...?" "What is then..?" "Whether you were truly loved or not. That's what people think about at the end of their lives. Nothing else matters in this life. Truly being loved is all that life is ever about, especially at the end of it..."

His Prayer

He knelt down to pray with simple words. "I'm in need of simple things, and you know what they are. I trust that you will grant them to me..." Then he arose and trusted in faith that his prayer would be granted.

That Blue Vase

"Oh my dear Ryan, I've just got to tell you. You were right, he was at the Quick Draw. You were right not to go, you said you knew he'd be there and he was..." "Of course he was..." "He put his arm around me and said, 'Linda, Linda, Linda, you see that blue vase over there? I made it. You should bid on it. I made one for me, one for my lover and I think you need one, too...' And I said, 'no, I don't care for blue pottery...' " "Cute. He makes pottery now, how nice for him." "He was with his new lover, partner boy thing. I felt so sorry for him, 'go get us some wine!' He was bossing him around like a slave. It was sad. You were right to leave that selfish uppity pig of a man. He's even more disgusting than I remembered him..."

Breaking In A Horse

"This year for Christmas I want to get you something you really need. So I thought I'd get you a special deluxe, all natural mattress with all the best ratings..." "Oh my, really?! That would be more than wonderful!!" "I knew you'd love it!" "And the best part will be breaking it in with you, if you know what I mean...?!?" "Hmmm, like breaking in a horse...??" "Maybe... I've never broke in a horse before. But we'll see how it goes..."

Solar Storms

"What's the word on the street?" "Power outages all over the state. They say it's the solar storms..." "Oh, phsss, that's nonsense...!" "But don't you worry, sir, we've still got cold alcoholic beverages just for you...!" "Thanks! Smart ass..." "That will be one dollar and eighty eight cents today. Would you like to round that up to two dollars and donate to our local food bank this afternoon??" "Naw, what the hell man? Why you always gotta tell me how much it costs like I don't already fucking know...?!" "Geez, what the hell man, why you gotta be such an ass about it? Would twelve cents really kill you this time of year to help feed people who need it? You said you're going to be a millionaire next year anyhow, right...?!?!" "Shut the fuck up Ryan, and wipe that shit eating grin off your face...!!"

God Knew

"And God knew that you couldn't continue in a time and space that he was, so He placed him in another space and time, far away from you. One where He knew he could not touch you..."

Silly Me

 Rita, Yet again, another letter I'll never send to you. But I need to bleed my heart onto paper again. So here I go... My heart can’t hate you, yet wish it could. I want you far from me, but I’d kill to have you so near that nothing could ever come between us again. This was love in its purest form, and you couldn’t take the heat. You left me here, bleeding over the ashes, clawing my way back to you, trying to save us both. Silly me. I didn’t see you’d already jumped into the first car that stopped, already warm again, far away from me. I know your heart better than you know how to hold it. And you’ll break it again, but my heart won’t forget. I'll heal. I'll move on. I'll love again. But never quite like I did with you... Ryan Luke

You Think?!

 "So, you didn't make it? It's probably just as well. I saw your Ex and his partner there. It was the strangest thing... Muffie's husband John complimented him on his performance in Cinderella. He mistook Steven for you. And Steven said, "I think you're thinking of my Ex...' And I think John was drinking too much..." "You think...!?!"

@ Wal-Mart

"I ran into him at Wal-Mart. I hadn't seen him in years. He left me in limbo six years before. I walked right up to him, inches from his face. And I hissed into his frozen form, 'I would have loved you for the rest of my life you asshole...!' "

Lost & Found

He wanted to fill his house up with love, light and laughter, but he often found it empty. So he filled it with things, placing things in places, filling spaces with paces and more empty things. He wished his space to be less empty, and so he filled it with light and love and things, knowing one day his space would be overflowing with love and light and people he had loved and lost, and found again.

Dear Victoria

Dear Victoria, Maybe, I will never be completely healed. I will never truly set you free. My heart will continue to cry, and my soul will never rest, and I will never, not be without you. Maybe, there is no walking away from that, and there is nothing capable of coming close, but maybe nothing is meant to. Maybe I can allow someone else to captivate my soul without comparing it to you. Maybe I can allow someone to matter deeply without replacing you. Maybe I don't need to be completely healed to build a life that doesn't exist without the loss because you will always exist in every version of who I become. Ryan Luke

Big Boy Panties

"You didn't ask to help me all day. I was waiting for you to ask to help me. Why didn't you ask to help me? I was waiting for you to ask me, all day..." "I know. I wanted to help you. But I knew you needed to put on your big boy panties and do it yourself..." "Well, I didn't put my big boy panties on this morning..."