gayNwyo

She stared me down hard, from across the bar. She didn't think I could feel her devious eyes devising a plan. A plan to be a private small town pirate paparazzi, sending a photo to a callous, curious ex of mine.  She couldn't just mind her business, no, she had to find fun outside her own table, where she sat suspended with her husband, the new Mayor of Worland Wyoming. Little did she know that I could read her thoughts, under all the music, chaos and freshly brewed hops. The Mayor's Wife had been unfaithful, with a man named Cole, once upon a business trip not so long ago. One question remained. Did the Mayor know??

"It seems to me that there is a sad, wounded boy inside you. One who once had a truth to speak, but that truth was silenced by a paternal sadist of some kind, in a patriarchal universe that didn't want you to express your true feelings..." "How could you possibly see that in me, we've only just begun our sessions??" "I've got this super human, super hero bullshit detector built in to my psyche, and I can see all the pain and lies behind your eyes, Ryan. You can't fool me." "Damn, you're good!" "You see, when a child is wounded emotionally, they are subconsciously taught from an early age that they must become something other than who they are, to deny their true feelings in order to please and attract others." "You've hit the bullseye there, mister!" "Then we punish ourselves for telling the truth, and reward ourselves with the idea that lies are better. In order to be truly loved, and to truly lov...

If you are no longer yourself, You were never you. If it is now a lie, Then it was never true. If you were right just once, You've failed perfection. If you held back your tears, You've overcome rejection. If you threw the first punch, You caused the fight. If you slept before dawn, Then you missed the night. If you hate to dress up, You will never be formal. But if you just be yourself, You will always be normal. Rita Rosalita 

"Tell me about the dreams you had of me, all night?" "The first one was, I could smell you. I turned over and you weren't there. The second one was a full x rated one. I was deep inside you. Kissing you and I woke up super hard. So I had to take care of business. The last one, we were just cuddling and it felt so nice." "Well, let's make those dreams come true some night soon."

"There's this place I believe in, but no one else believes it exists." "Do you believe in it?" "Absolutely." "Then it exists, for it only needs you to believe in it for it to exist."

"Do you know how long it's been...?" He asked me with lust and longing buried deep in his hazel eyes. "No, sir. How long has it been?" "Seven years. You have no idea how much I need this..." He confessed. "My, that is a long time. You just tell me what you need and I'll be that for you, right here and now..." "I don't even know where to begin, Ryan..." "Well, let's begin by getting naked, how about that...?" "That sounds perfect. You've put me at ease already. A true gentleman."

"So, Ryan, what's new??" "Not much..." "That smile on your face says otherwise. What's his name...?" "Tom." "Tom huh? I knew a Tom once, I called him Tom Ass..." "Well, I call my Tom Tom Cat, he's hot like that. He's my Tom. My Tom Cat!" "That's hot, Ryan, I love that!"

I'm home. Thank you for a wonderful day. You are a true gentleman and I like being around you. Big hugs! 🤗❤️❤️ I'm glad you're home. It was more than wonderful. You are a gentleman as well, a rare one. Big hugs, back! ❤️ 💙 💜  Thinking of you. Have a restful night and a wonderful tomorrow. Big hugs! 🤗❤️ I'll be thinking of you and will probably be hard all night. Sleep well. I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday if you wanna get together again. Big hugs! ❤️  Sounds good to me. Keep warm. It's very humid tonight, so the chill goes to the bones. 🥶❤️😘 I'm so warm after that amazing orgasm, no chill could get to me. The whole afternoon was orgasmic for me. Feeling your skin against mine. Your warm, sweet smile. Thank you! ☺️😘 No sir, thank you! 

Dear Ryan, Thank you for your letter. It was helpful to know how you really feel. I feel the same way for you, too, but right now I'm going through the greatest trial of my life, and I'm not so sure you're ready to see who I am today. I really do love you, though. Always remember that. Please write back if you want to.  Love Always & Forever, Rita Rosalita Bisbee

My Father touched me once, And I saw visions of blood.  Blood spilled generations before. Not by hand was the blood spilled, But by word.

"Do you remember, Ryan, when I told you that I touched my tarot cards and The Wanderer card struck me as the one for you? Well, turns out, The Wanderer wasn't you, it was him. He wandered away, far away from you. Now you're safe, safe from him and all the damage he intended to inflict upon you. Consider yourself blessed."

Do a no snow dance for me. It involves a drum and no clothes with a bell on your pride and joy. 🫤😉😏 send pics. Lol 😆  Yes sir!! I'll do some Angel Magick too. Just for you.  Nice, I like the angel halo toss. If you make a ringer, you win a BIG surprise.  How BIG??? That is the surprise. It fills your hands with warmth and be careful. If you squeeze too hard it spits at you. 😯 Sounds delicious!

When you find that tomorrow begins without me and I'm not there to see the sun rise in your eyes, I hope you realize my eyes are filled with tears for you. I wish I hadn't cried the way I did today, while thinking of all the things we didn't say. As much as I love you, I hope you realize how much I still love you. Every time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too. Yet when tomorrow begins without me, please understand, an angel came and took me by the hand and called my name. He told me my place was ready, far in heaven above, that I'd need to leave behind all those I dearly loved. I turned to walk away, and a tear fell from my eye, for the life I always thought, I didn't want to die. There was still so much living to do, it seemed impossible that I was leaving you. My mind remembered all the yesterdays, the bad and the good, the love we shared and the fun we had. I wanted to relive the yesterdays, just for a bit, to say goodbye, to kiss you and perhaps see...

Just getting in the shower. Made my smoothie and watered the potted plants. Imagine yourself getting in the shower with me.... can you tell I'm horny? 😏 I would totally shower with you! I'm getting in the shower, too. I've got an amazing shower. You should come see it sometime...??

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? Well I'm o-kay- Sorry it's taken me so long to write you. You're sending your letters to my old address, and it takes weeks for me to get them. So here's my new one: Rita Bisbee 1529 Draw Street Cody WY, 82414 About your dreams. Just tell me about them. I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. And Homecoming. I'll try to make it, but I can't promise. You might have to go for some of your "other opportunities." You see, I just started this new job, and I have to fill in all the missing shifts. So my schedule is not always a set thing, but I'll see what I can do, and then I'll get back with you. Well, it's SUPER late & I have TONS of homework begging for my attention. So, write me back & tell everyone I said "Hi!" I love you. Love Always. Rita Rosalita P.S. If you see Nathan, could you please give him my address. Thanx. Love you! Rita

My Dear Diane, There was a young, tender time under sweet summer skies where we would dance barefoot in the grass and engage in ancient dialogue. We'd gather around, all in a room and tighten our belts, we'd slow down and rest without guilt. We would act and lie without fear in a world of Shakespeare. We would stay and respond, expand, include, allow and forgive, and live in a safe world of make believe. We'd evolve, enjoy, inquire, discern, accept, admit, divulge, speak out and reach out. It was our utopia, our imaginary ideal, our nirvana, our ultimate. We'd open our arms and jump, propelled by our passions, amused and charmed by our differences. We'd be gentle and make space for every emotion. We would breathe and be charmed and amused by language. We would heal and be humbled, hold close and let go and know when to do which. And we all only knew of these things because of you. You'll never know how you changed my world, one Shakespearian Summer at a time. Yo...

I hope you realize that I would have created a perfect world of love. A world where you and I would have loved each other perfectly. But this wicked world got in the way and destroyed all that. But still, that perfect world is somewhere, somewhere waiting for us.

We never talked, Never talked about anything, About any thing that ever really mattered.  He and I, We never really talked, When talking really mattered. 

My days started like so many other LDS high school students at the time. Our mothers' would cheerily wake us up, then bang pots around in the kitchen to let us know they were cooking up breakfast. I attended morning Seminary before school where we would sit and discuss The Bible and The Book of Mormon. I vaguely remember most of those mornings. I had to be up at least three hours to commit anything to permanent memory. Then again, I choose to forget some things. I don't think I'll ever be a morning person as long as I live. Then we'd carpool our ways to the high school that was four blocks away. It's funny what you choose to remember and choose to forget.

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? I'm o-kay- But could really do without the pile of homework waiting for me in my book bag. College is a lot different than high school. I really hated the first week, but now that I know a ton of people it's starting to be fun.  Bod Coe came to talk with me on my last night of work and asked me if I would travel with him and the managers to Denver after Christmas to help them buy the new stock for next year. I was so excited. Anne came up to see me and asked me to help her with inventory this winter. Vicky hates me so bad. But I deserve all of this. I worked my butt off to move up. Also, I got you that 'Mountain Dude' shirt you wanted. I'll bring it with me when I come up for Homecoming. Also, Beth is coming with me to Homecoming in Riverton. She needs a date for the dance, so please find one. You don't have to if you don't want to, but please do. Well, I don't know what more to say. Tell everyone I said hi! Love Always, Rita

"I don't think he had any idea of what it did to me, to leave him the way I did, how it crippled me in ways I couldn't imagine. I had to go on and act as if it wasn't killing me to go on without him. It ate me up inside, and there was a battle within me every single day to keep myself together. He didn't know how I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, how I tried to fit them back together, all the while knowing they'd never fit back the same way again. It may have seemed like nothing to him, but it was everything to me. My whole world fell to the depths of hell and I was powerless to stop it. Yet I kept it all hidden away, for I didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want him to see how terribly I was falling apart. The truth was, it affected me more than he could have ever imagined. You see, it's utterly impossible to unlove someone you once loved so deeply unless you never really loved them to begin with." 

"Hey you! I've just got to tell you some things. First of all, you were so incredibly delightful as the hero in the melodrama! Who knew a grocery store supervisor that I've crossed paths with dozens of times could be so talented?!" "Gosh, well, thank you so much for saying so! That means a lot, really..." "It's funny isn't it, you'd never guess by looking at someone who's simply out there doing their small, everyday, mundane job, that buried underneath all that, there could be so much hidden?! I sure hope I have the pleasure of seeing you perform again someday, you were something special...!" "I'm flattered, really, thank you! I hope I can perform for you again, someday, too." "And, one more thing... To that man in the back row, whoever he was, shame on him! He must have meant something to you once, but it's obvious you're so much better without him..."

"You're a kind soul, and I can see that in you. And do you know why?? Because you've lived in a world that hasn't been so kind to you. Some of the kindest human beings I know have been through so much sadness, usually at the hand of those who supposedly loved them. You are one of those beings. Yet you still love and care so deeply, despite all the sadness. It's rare that someone who has been hurt so much refuses to let the hardness of the world ruin their capacity to love. It's probably because you know that deep sadness and you know that others shouldn't feel that way either. That makes me take awe of you. Keep being kind, Ryan, even when others are not."

Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How've you been? I've been o-kay- I'm planning a trip to Riverton to see you on June 20th, let me know if that's o-kay- I sure hope so 'cause I've already taken the time off work. The 20th is a Friday, and I'll be able to stay through Sunday the 22nd. I have to go back to work at 8:00 am on the 23rd, so that's the longest I'll be able to stay, but I'll plan to make another trip in July. I'll need a place to stay for Friday & Saturday night. I'll be able to pay a little bit, but I'll need some prices to make sure I have enough cash. I'm bringing my brothers with me, but I'm dropping them off in Shoshoni at Ross's girlfriends house, and I'll pick them up on my way back to Cody. So let me know if all that is o-kay- 'cause it will probably be the only chance I get until sometime in July or August. Oh, guess what I did last weekend? Guess, Yep! I GRADUATED!!!! It's about time. too. I was go...

He'd finally found that place, That place he felt safe. That place was within himself,  That safe place within himself.

So counting naked men in my sleep did count! I had a hard on all night! No sheep needed! I hope you sleep well, Tom. Can we get together again soon, please?

Have a good nights sleep.  If it helps, please count sheep. That may not work, but who's to say. Counting naked men can keep you up till the next day.  Hugs 🤗  Sweet, sexy, clever and poetic. My kind of man. Goodnight Tom! 💋 

"Let's get this whole ugly thing over with...!" He exclaimed. "I agree. It's altogether too ugly of a world to live in anymore." So they pulled the triggers, both at the same time, both aimed at each other's hearts. And they were done with each other. Done with the broken hearts. Done with the world, the world that had broke their hearts, the world that had done them in. Dead and done at the same time.

As the fires rage and the smoke billows in my sweet home state of Wyoming, I look to my dream land of Asheville, North Carolina, which is now cut off, flooded with water.  Now to Florida, which will be devastated with more chaos and flooding.  Next there will be a great quake, one the likes of which we all have never seen before. A quake so large it will divide a nation, a nation already divided by political ignorance. A quake that will rise the once great prehistoric Salt Lake. Then, a dark winter that will test our faith in humanity. 

"You see Ryan, those with the largest holes in their hearts are the ones who possess the largest capacity to let the love light in, to love and to be loved. You can keep your broken heart. The broken heartedness breaks you down to your raw parts, where you've got nothing to hide, nowhere left to go with nothing left inside. There you can choose to become a wall or a wide open door."

Hey. How are you?? I've been better. I have ups and downs. Work is keeping me busy and I just finished a show. My blog is going well, soon it'll be a book. I met an older man the other day, seems we'll be good friends. I miss Riverton all the time, but my place is here now. Steven moved away, which is a huge relief.

Tender Tom took me out to lunch.  "My treat," he sweetly said as we ordered something to eat and took a seat. He spoke to me of many things. Things of beauty and love, things of this world and things of the other. Things of the past, things of the present. Things that mattered to him and things that mattered to me. He spoke of his dead sister and how she has never left him and how she still stays in the house where he lives. He laughed as he asked me about my chickens and how I didn't know what kind they were. We spoke of past loves and men in our lives and how tender and tragic true love could be. I made a special friend in tender Tom that afternoon. 

"He was only your worst critic, and critics don't really count. He was the man who singled you out because you stumbled once in awhile. He looked for your mistakes and ignored how much you had done right. He stood back and judged you, all the while finding no fault in his own actions. You were out there, in the arena with blood on your face, dying on stage, as he watched from the back row and was your harshest critic. You were brave, safe and protected, surrounded by love and friends. Who cares if one fool of a man was there to be a critical asshole? He was simply jealous, jealous that you went on despite his jeering and angry energy. Play on, Ryan, for there will always be critics. Some may say they love you, when secretly they hate you, and others may say they hate you, when in reality they deeply love you."

Dear Ryan, Hey there sexy! How've you been? I've been o-kay- kind of. A little depressed here and there, but I'll get through it. It's just that there's no one here I can talk to that understands. It sucks. Sometimes I just want to throw everything away, and run as far as I can, but my problems will just follow me.  I'm sorry, I should be talking about something happier. So how's life going for ya? Good I hope. I miss you so much and think about you ALL the time. I watched the video of our Homecoming dance my mother made. You looked so GOOD! Of course, you always do. So I don't know what more to say. Write me back soon! Please. I'm dying to hear from you! Love Always, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Rita Rosalita XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Sorry So Sloppy! I love you!!

He sat in the passengers seat of the car, his face pretending to be buried in his favorite novel, one he'd most likely read two dozen times. He preferred that I drive on road trips, as his hungry and overactive mind needed stimulation and distraction at the same time. "Are you really reading that book again?" I asked, knowing all too well that there was more going on in his mind than the consumption of words on the page of a book. "You know me too well, Ryan. I don't really feel like talking right now. I know you want to talk about how I'm feeling and why I've been so quiet and distant lately, but I don't want to." "Talking is important, Brian. We haven't done enough of it lately and I'm beginning to think you aren't talking because you aren't happy with us anymore." "I don't know what I am. I don't know what I'm feeling. Any time I feel anything at all, I can't figure out what the feeling is. It...

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How've you been? I've been ok. So, what do you think of my art? Wild. Sorry I haven't written in such a long time. I've been so busy. I'm putting in a lot of overtime at work. It sucks, but I need the cash. I've also been dancing quite a bit. I have a guy partner now. His name is Dustin. He's pretty cool. We haven't got into any of the really difficult stunts yet, but there's progress every day. The dance class I'm teaching is doing well, also. It's growing so fast. If too many people keep coming in I'm going to have to charge them! I'm also performing my music a bit. Here and there I find people who want to hear something new and relaxing. It's good for me to have an audience. Anyway, not much else is happening. I get my new hearing aids in a week and a half. So I might be able to hear. (Yeah right!) We'll see. I miss you lots & hope to "hear" from you soon! I love you! Love Always, Rita Rosa...

Dear Ryan, Your letters always bring me much joy. They're so full of passion. I know what you mean by falling in love all over again. I feel it, too.  If you want to know what you did to catch my eye, I'll tell you. You talked to me, and listened to me. You didn't see me as just an object you could show off to your friends. I've always been treated like a possession, but you were different. You showed me I was human. Not just something on display. I realized my feelings counted the same as anyone else's. That feels so good to finally know. You cared for and loved me more than any guy who's been in my life. I am in love with your smile, your touch, and the way you can always brighten my day, whether you're right beside me or 200 miles away. You put words together like an art. You always know the right things to say. You've touched my heart in a way no one else has. Your love is something I consider valuable, and not to be taken for granted. Even though we...

I looked him in the eyes one last time, knowing this would be the final time. "Why are you looking at me like that? Are you expecting me to say something...?" If he couldn't see how I felt by the look in my eyes, then it was obvious there was nothing more to say or do. So I walked away forever, never to look in his eyes again.

The way he spoke to me changed me. In the dance of delicate interactions, he forgot that the small and simple words impacted me. He spoke to me with insensitivity, disregard and callousness. He left invisible scars that altered the very fabric of my being. He never once acknowledged this or the pain he caused. His words were impure, and I'll never forget them. His words were tainted with selfishness and indifference. They only erected walls in my heart that divided us. He played with my emotions and I stored that away in my emotional bank. I'll forgive him, but I'll never forget how he made me feel. The echo of those words will linger. In the end, it was how he spoke to me that defined and ultimately ended our relationship. 

"It worked, Ryan. The Angel Magick you've been so dedicated to. You found the man, lost the man, exposed the man and then destroyed him. Now you'll have your reward. It's funny isn't it, that after all the words and the drama and the heartache, the story teller in you invented a world of love and chaos. You wrote your way into a tragedy, but in the end it was a comedy. All a joke. No one ever said all those words about him, but he thought they did. No one ever thought of him that way, but he thought they did. Then he packed up his life and left town. Now, tell me, who was the coward in the end??"

As a male witch,  Which knows his worth. I know that I'm worth so much more, So much more than this.

With the flick of his wrist he silenced the radio on an endless road trip to Vegas, done so with contempt and spite.  I simply asked for some silence to sleep. With the flick of his wrist he demanded a plate for some soon to be crisp and chewy Christmas porkchops. I couldn't hop up soon enough to bring him that plate. In that moment I felt so much hate. The next morning I woke to more words of hate.  "Merry Fucking Christmas..."

There were so many love bombs in the beginning. So many words, gifts, adoration and affection. He couldn't give enough and I couldn't get enough.  Until he had me where he wanted me, and then the shirts shifted. The love bombs weren't there anymore.  The love bombs were traps set from the beginning to get me where he wanted me, under his thumb, in his control. And when I attempted my great escape, the bombs of anger and accusations exploded. Under all the unassuming love bombs were explosions of anger and hate.

It's the feelings that hurt most, the ones that sting, those are the most ridiculous.  When you long for the things that are impossible, simply because they are impossible.  The longing for things that never were, for what could have been. The regrets of not being good enough for someone else. When you're dissatisfied with the world, it creates a painful landscape of reality, an endless sunset of what we are, or what we could have been.

I found you last night, in my dreams. You were doing what you love, so happy that you were glowing from inside. You were at peace. I was looking in on you as you were living your sweetest moments. I was there with you, but I was not. Breathing the same air, sitting with you, seeing your eyes glow with wonder, sinking into the reality of just being with you. I didn't want to wake from that place with you. God gave me a gift last night, a precious place in my dream, with you. A precious place with you, one more time. It hit me when I woke, yet I blinked and you were still there.

"What did you see in that creepy, dirty, toothless man Ryan?! I could've told you what a worthless piece of shit he was from the beginning. He didn't treat you well, and that's not surprising. It's obvious he didn't care for himself, so how could he care for anyone else??" "Well, he's off to care for another Joe now, so we don't have to worry about him anymore..."

"He broke you, and you still wished him the best. So he lost the best thing he ever had, the poor fool."

I love the cool fall mornings.  Me too. The next couple nights will be the last ones for me to be naked in the back yard.  Maybe someday I can be naked with you in the back yard? It is a nice place to relax and enjoy the air all over your body. I enjoy sharing my experiences with new people. So you can come and join the joy of nudity in the garden.  I'd enjoy that very much! Have you ever had black garlic? No. I love garlic though! I had some yesterday. Oh my goodness!!! It is incredible. I just ordered some. I will share when I get it. It is mild, sweet, with the texture of gummy bear. I want to pare it with a sharp cheese and a wonderful toasted slice of baguette. Sounds delicious! Goodnight Tom. I hope we can get together soon! Sweet dreams. 

"He is a vindictive man, Ryan, and you should consider yourself lucky you escaped him."

I lowered my walls and let you in. You asked me what was going on in my mind. But the second I showed my bleeding feelings, You broke those emotions wide open. My insecurities were your weapons, Twisting my words to fit your devices. You knew I was on the edge,  But you pushed me over anyway. You sat and watched me drown, Pushing all of my buttons, Pushing me deeper inside myself. You played my keys like a piano, Making me dance to your song. Wanting me hypnotized like a zombie,  Driven out of my mind. But I'll always be the one to blame, Tell the world I was your clam. Tell them I was insecure with emotions, Like a roach left to nibble on cookie crumbs, And the world will come to applaud you.

Break a leg!  You broke my heart. But I'll always love you. I hope you find happiness, wherever life takes you. You broke your own heart. You can't treat people the way you do and expect them to tolerate it. That isn't love. You stole from me, lied to me, and manipulated me. You've admitted it. It's been fun finding empty liquor bottles as I pack my house. If your shitty blog is any indication of how you feel, you don't wish me happiness. I would have given you the world, but you can't seem understand that your behavior holds you down. You'll never be able to stop blaming your "trauma", blaming others, and telling your lies. Your pathetic grocery store minions make me laugh. I dread the day your children learn how deceitful you are. Did you tell them you stole that phone because you felt entitled to it? Also, you broke up with me every time. Don't you dare put any of this on me. I've said it before... someday you'll r...

Dear You, I won’t curse you, but I won’t wish you well either. I wish you nothing, and may our planets never touch again. Please be happy, please be sad, be in peace, or afflicted by your reality, please feel anything and everything, whatever it may be, but please, do it far away from me.  You know who you are. Ryan

It was great to meet you Ryan! We loved the music and melodrama. Margie told me to tell you you're a good looking man and I have to agree. She told me how much she enjoyed your character, you were so animated, which made your character more special. I agree. I'm glad you were out there, Tom. You're very good looking, too. It was nice meeting Margie. Chat with me anytime. I definitely will, you're something special, I can see that. Sweet dreams.

"Psst! Ryan, I need to see you, let's chat..." "Psst! What's up?" "I gotta say, you were amazing last night, going on despite the obnoxious heckler booing you in the back row. He was there last night, obviously there to disturb your performance. You were brilliant even though he was disruptive." "Oh, I knew he was there, I was totally aware. I gave that performance just for him. After all, I still love him." "Really?! At the end he yelled out, 'Marry me!' Did you hear that??" "Yes, I did. A bizarre curtain call proposal, however sweet. It meant so much to me that he was there, despite everything..."

"Ryan, you thought he was your soul mate, your perfect fit, and that's what you thought you wanted. But you were his soul mate. You were his mirror, his person who showed him everything he was holding back. You brought him to his own attention. True soul mates are the most valuable person you can meet. You tore down his walls and woke him up. But soul mates aren't forever, like one would think. Soul mates come into your life to show you a layer of yourself, and then they leave. That's a soul mates purpose, to break you wide open, to tear you apart, to leave you lonely and then transform your life."

He peeked from behind the curtain on opening night, scanning the audience to see if the villain could be seated out in the house. Fortunately, the villain was nowhere to be found. The villain had hopefully been run out of town.

"Come here Ryan! Let me see those eyebrows..." "You're just jealous, Deli Lady! Jealous because you have to draw yours on..." "No I'm not. You've got a few long, rogue strays that need plucked. Let me get them for you, please, they are driving me crazy!" "No, let me be, bitch!" "Ok, ok, I guess not everyone can have perfect eyebrows like Jesse." "Yeah, you're right, his eyebrows are on fleet!"

"Ryan, you must understand that forgiveness means giving up hope for a different past. It means knowing that the past is over, the dust has settled and the destruction left in the wake can never be reconstructed to resemble what it was. It’s accepting that there’s no magic solution to the damage that’s been caused. It’s the realization that as unfair as the hurricane was, you still have to live in that city of ruins. And, Ryan, no amount of anger is going to reconstruct that city. You have to do it yourself."

"Ryan, I hope you find someone who will understand your past traumas and give you constant reassurance that you're now trusting the right person. I hope you find someone who understands that you are not perfect but will never make you feel not enough. I hope you find a kind-hearted person. Someone who will speak kind words to you and will always respect you no matter what the situation is. I hope you find someone who knows exactly how to treat you right. Someone who will love you genuinely and will care for you like he's afraid to lose you. I hope you find someone who can love you selflessly because not every one can love that way. Not every one is willing to sacrifice everything he has just to see you happy and not every one is willing to love you with everything he has. I hope you find a love that allows you to be happy and to be at peace because you deserve it after how many times of settling for less than what you deserve. And, Ryan, most importantly, I hope you find s...

She was always such a chatterbox. She'd chat me up and down all day long. She'd chat me til I was blue in the face. Then she'd chat me to sleep, always chattering about this and that. I'd fall asleep while she chattered away. Then in the morning she'd say, "Ryan, I was talking to you last night and you fell alseep..." "I love the sound of your voice so much, you just chatted me all the way to dream land..." was all I could say...

As he stood there in the spotlight, as the star in a silly little small town melodrama, he realized that he was there to face himself. He wasn't really anything at all, just a silly little star in a small town. A small town that loved him, despite how much he didn't love himself. 

"Hey there Mister Mustache! It's coming in nicely!" "It's for 'The Pony Expresso,' a melodrama I'm doing this weekend..." "Oh yeah, can I call you 'Pony Boy'!?!" "Yeah, of course! Everyone around here seems to want ride me like the Pony Expresso!" "It's true Ryan! That mustache is sexy, hot shit!!"

We sat opposite from each other at our favorite Chinese restaurant. We were freshly in love, and madly in lust. We'd eat like ravenous boys, in anticipation for the foreplay and fornication that would follow. His way of showing his love was to feed me cashew shrimp. My way of showing my love was to make sweet afternoon love to him.  I laughed as he smirked his cute smiles across the table. I was poor as a poor boy could be, yet he treated me like a prince. He was sweet and tender with his words, one of the many reasons I loved the man so much. "Poverty might have stolen your golden shoes Ryan, but it didn't steal your silver laughter." "No, Brian, I laugh and it makes me forget the poverty. I love you so much." He paid the bill and we rushed home to strip naked and enjoy our blissful, orgasmic afternoon. 

I missed you quietly today. So quietly that no one noticed. I missed you as I woke in my bed, as I heard the rain outside my window. As I waited on the lights as I went to work. I missed you as I ate lunch and as I kicked off my shoes when I got home. I miss you as I turned off the lights and slipped into bed for the night. I felt it in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and at night. I felt it as I woke, as I waited, as I worked. I felt it at home, on the road, in the light, in the dark, in the rain. I felt it in every one of those moments, each one sitting heavier and heavier as the weight of me missing you kept growing and growing.  Yes, I missed you so quietly today. But I felt it so loudly.

Every modern love romance has a song, a melody. Our song happened to be 'I Live My Life For You' by Lifehouse. It begins, "You know you're everything to me, and I could never see the two of us apart..." I haven't listened to that song in the last five years and hope to never hear it in the next five. One refrain states, "I've built my world around you." I fell hard for her, very fast and much too completely. I found myself waking up and dressing strictly for her and rehearsing in the mirror glances I'd give her. We went a year into dating simply holding hands and caressing each other. She'd walk behind me, her hands clasped around my waist, her pelvis against my butt and her breasts touching my shoulder blades. Nothing in the world felt as right as the two of us, nothing. Kissing wasn't a part of our relationship at all. Spooning on the other hand, was. I did kind of hint around to the fact that I wanted to kiss, but she fanned her ha...

Ryan, Act Sixteen, Chapter Sixteen entitled 'Angelic Sunrise' will be a complex and heart breaking chapter.  You said he gave you everything a material boy could want, yet it wasn't everything. It wasn't so much about what he gave you, but more so about how he made you feel. He gave you the world, yet it wasn't about all that, it was the words he used that slowly crushed your spirit. He was serene yet savage with his language. You tie this in well with another Oz quote, "Why, you're nothing but a great big coward!" Sadly, he calls you a coward and a failure when you gave up so much to live with him. I feel you should never have to explain why you deserve to be spoken to with respect and treated with human decency. You should never allow anyone, even if it's someone you love, to talk down to you, hurt you, or strip you of who you are in order to gain power over you. That isn't love, and it sure as hell isn't how you should ever be treated. M...

January 3rd, 1997 Dear Ryan, I've written this letter four times and I think it's better if I just cut the bullshit and get to the point. Ryan. This isn't working. We're either going to have to try harder with this relationship or call it quits. Since I've been down to Riverton for your Homecoming, you've sent me ONE letter, and a birthday card. Ryan, I can't just be there when it's convenient for you. I need some attention! I'm not saying you need to write me a letter every day, I'd just like to know what you're up to! The only explanation I have for this, is that you're cheating on me, and I would rather not think that. Ryan, I love you a lot, and I really want this to work out. I really do. I'm sick and tired of running to my mailbox every day and finding nothing from you. I receive more mail from Nathan Laidlaw, and not only is he not my boyfriend, he lives in a whole different country! Ryan, that's pretty sad on your part. Ry...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are you? I'm doing fine. Things are looking up for me in ways, and down in others. I'm learning that all the hard work I've done in school is finally paying off. I'm graduating. I had my final band concert last Thursday. It was on stage, half way through the concert, and I realized I would never be there again and I started crying. Whether or not it was pain or happiness, I don't know. I just know that for eight hard years I dedicated my life to something I loved and cherished, and that will always be with me. I will always have those years to look back on. The hard, endless hours of practice, and those joyful moments of triumph. Knowing I was good at something. I earned my place and it will still be there when I come back. Some day it will have payed off. On brighter sides, I found a new job. I'm going to start working at the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum after I come back from Christmas break. The wages and the hours are really great, and ...

"Most poeple just don't understand me. I'm not like everyone else in this ordinary world. I have my mad moments. I exist in so many other dimensions and I have no time for things that have no soul."

I brought her a box of Dolly Madison glazed donuts later in May, just before school got out for the Summer. "I got a surprise for you in my bag." I teased. "I think it's a little early in our relationship for flowers..." I pulled them out. "I remember you saying they were your favorite." She hopped up, sporting her tight, white knit sweater and sexy navel, and grabbed me in an embrace. "How sweet!" I blushed. Everyone in the high school commons area craned their necks to watch the spectacle. I was flattered. We fed each other the donuts, exchanged lusty glances and spouted sappy poetry. The bell rang and ended another glorious lunch date that made going to RHS so meaningful.  Her name and several off centered hearts are scattered in pages of almost every textbook and notebook that crossed my desk during my freshman, sophomore and junior years. Teachers and casual friends, mostly girls, questioned the mysterious name. I simply stated, "Sh...

He'll forever be remembered as my love, That sweet man of mine that got away. Forever remembered as my love, As the man that got away. 

Rita Rosalie. I met her my freshman year in high school. My first impression of her was that she may be a druggie. Her hair was half black, half blonde, the last six inches of her hair were black. She came into English class with a woman. And when Mr. Kennedy, our teacher, stood to lecture us, the woman stood by signing as he spoke. I assumed this skunk-haired girl was deaf. When I was a freshman I barely spoke to anyone, and only when necessary. I never noticed anyone looking at me and pretty much kept to myself. Rita had been watching me for a while and was waiting for the right moment and the right words to say. She sat right in front of me.  About half way through class she turned around and asked, "Do you know what time it is...?" Wanting to get this deaf, yet attractive girls' attention off of me, I replied as I pointed to it, "The clock is right there..."  I guess she didn't know how to respond, and being put off by my blunt rudeness, she turned back ...

Ryan, Working my way back through Chapter Thirteen, aka Act Thirteen: Finding Brian,  entitled "That Black Bag." There's a scene in here where you realize Brian is void of deep emotional connection, lacking empathy, unable to connect with you on the levels that you need. So, it's my understanding that he must be the black bag, right? And that's why you say,  "There's nothing in that black bag for me..." Brilliant play on themes, Ryan. Ties into Oz parallels very, very well! I need more in depth character analysis of Brian. Send me more personal stories on why you found him to be such a "black bag," please and thank you!

"Just because he's gone doesn't mean you can't bring him back for a little while, the memory of him at least. You can bring him back by painting a picture with your words and your memories, breathing his essence back into your existence for just a little while. There's nothing wrong with that." "You're right. Even though he's gone, I've been doing just that. I want to remember all the best things that he was by allowing his best traits to shine through when I'm shaping his story into being. My thoughts bring him back into my world, and there's a story to be told. Even though he's gone. I feel him there when I hear a song he played for me, and sometimes a single note brings him alive again. As if he's in the room with me." "That's sad, but beautiful at the same time, and also healthy, believe it or not. It will heal you. Even though he's gone, you can keep parts of him alive by giving all the love you had for h...

James, You're there every time I turn around. Just stay where you are, find something to do. Do you have to be a part, no matter what? You care more what people think than you should. You'll say anything, do anything if it impresses or gets you praise. I need a pair of blinders and ear plugs. I need a sound proof locked room, to forget about you. I go crazy when I know what you're thinking. I go mad when I know why you do what you do. I'm not saying change. Just live, for you. Live your life because you want to, not for anyone else. Impress, lie if you have to, why do you feel you must? People will love you if you just be the James I know you are. Just live and you'll find there's more to life than who we are. Ryan

There is a disturbing silence that has followed my heartbreak. A sickening stillness that fills the space where he used to be. An empty seat at my table, in a quiet, empty room. He's there between the breaths I take. I wait for his familiar voice to come, for him to make me smile, or laugh, but that never comes. So I live with the silence, with the absence of him living in my chest. Always wondering if I'll be whole without him again, or if I'll always be broken inside without him.

Hate has never been so strong, Yet love has never been so deep. Passion has never been so hot, Yet loneliness has never been so cold. Desire has never been so constraining, Yet ignorance has never been so free. Purpose has never been so complete, Yet emptiness has never been so bitter. ~ RLJ ~ 

Dear Ryan, Hey hon. How are ya doin? Hang in there. It will soon be like it was, or better. Hopefully better. I've been really sick lately. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to make it. There's so much pain. It feels like someone is ripping my insides out. I'm constantly tired. If this keeps up I'll have to go to the doctor. I don't want to, but I might have to. I have good news and bad news. Good news first. My leg is pretty much o-kay- now, and I'm able to dance again, and the scratches on my face are practically gone. I have a little swelling left in my ankle, but it'll be o-kay-.  Now the bad news. I hope you are sitting down. Here it goes. I wrecked my car. Not bad, but it's not good. This lady in a black Eagle Talon slammed into me one day after school. She claimed I ran a red light and hit her. It's not true though. I cleared the light, and she jumped the gun. I tried to swerve, but she still got me. If I never would have swerved she would h...

"You just happened to fall for a wrong guy, Ryan. That's all. He couldn't love you in all your magnificent madness. He couldn't see how truly wonderful you are. I can see you for that, and so can everyone else. You just need to find someone who can love you for all the light you have to give, and someone who can love you in all the darkness you may live. For you see, love can love you in the darkness and in the light."

"Did you see that guy who just shoplifted?" "No." "Let's go watch it on camera, Ryan..." "Ok." "Look at that shart nugget, thinking he's getting away with all that, can you believe that guy??" "Yeah, what a shart nugget..."

"Ryan, you must always come back, for that's all you have, what is here and now. For what has happened is in your past, it's already been written. But your present is yours, over and over again. You can always come back from all of it. You've seen that, time and time again. You are not defined by the tragedies of your life. You are so much more than that. It's up to you to bring yourself back, to calm your mind, to listen to your spirit, and to find your way as you learn to trust yourself more deeply. That power lies in you. Come back to who you are, in the now, not the then. You'll only find the real Ryan in the here and the now."

I started a lie, and it sent my whole world dying. Yet I couldn't see, that the lie was on me. Then I started to cry, which made the whole world laugh at me. Yet if I'd only seen that that lie was on me. I glanced to the heavens, rolling my eyes. Then I fell out of bed over things that I'd said. Then I finally died, which started the whole world living. If I'd only seen that that lie was on me.

"You seem torn apart tonight Ryan. Do you need to talk?" "My heart still aches, it still aches because of all that I've been through. I have to believe that my heart's capacity for pain is infinite. Yet with the loss of the man I loved, that layer of pain is an insurmountable weight, one I can't carry much longer."

"Hey, why were you outside crying? What's going on??" "I wasn't crying." "Liar. I saw you, your eyes were bloodshot, you were sweating. You were obviously upset by something. " "I wasn't crying, I swear. I was eating some spicy chicken, and whenever I eat spicy chicken it makes my eyes water and I sweat." "You're such a liar Ryan. Why won't you tell me what's going on with you?!"

"You've got to realize that the suspense of life is that you never really know what to expect. You can plan and expect that your life will go as you think it may go. But it never does, and that's where the magic begins..."

"Ryan, your job is not to understand or control everything! You need to learn which story you are in and which of the many things calling out in the world are calling out to you. Your job is to be fully alive in the life you have, to pick up the invisible thread of your own story and follow where it leads. You are the author of your life!"

"So, Spencer, you asked me a few days ago to come up with an extra special, semi-sexual nickname for you, right?!" "Yeah, and I've got high expectation, so this better be good. Hit me with it..." "Salty Spence, that's your nickname. Because you're so salty all the time, and you 'spence' all the best advice!" "That's sweet Ryan, clever, I like it! To me, you'll always be The Seven Foot Twink..."

Ryan, I sat there in the front row, there to see only you. You up there on the stage, working the magic you always worked so well. As I watched you work that mysterious magic, I knew that there would never be another like you. And that's when I knew I loved you. Jonah

"Ryan, can't you see that your human condition is basically characterized by your sense of absurd alienation. You are condemned to be free, facing a void of existence with no inherent meaning or purpose. This realization brings with it a profound existential nausea, a deep-seated anguish that arises from the awareness of your own freedom and the meaningless nature of your life." "So, you're saying my life is meaningless?" "No, I'm saying your life is only as meaningful as you let it be. Only you get to decide what it could be."

"So, I gotta tell you Ryan, your idiotic ex is sharing your blogs on his Facebook page. He's obviously looking for some sort of sympathy, or revenge or whatever..." "Oh really, that would explain why it's getting more views lately, it's been really popular, more so than I thought it would still be. It's insane how many people are reading it." "He's obviously still upset about you. He just can't get over you. He's like a school girl who just can't let it go, it's kind of sickening. I want to comment and say, 'get the fuck over it!' But that would only encourage his childish behavior, so I keep scrolling. Why can't you two just hug it out and get over it?!" "Maybe we should... only if I let him get too close, I'm sure he'd strangle me!" "Yeah, you're probably right. I also gotta say I'm not a fan of his, you're the one I love, and I can see why he loved you so much!"

Traveling alone on this journey called life, Clouded with hardships, struggles and strife. Moments brimming with love, Moments shadowed with despair. Could it be, in my hour of need, that I am left alone, Forsaken, to walk this winding road as one? Or could another be here, there, with me? There are times when I feel I shouldn't, Couldn't possibly go on. But then, as if a power beyond my own, lifts me, I do. Some unknown force is driving me, Some unseen being pushing me. Leading me on to better, or worse. Some say we choose our destiny. But I cannot agree, There is someone here with me. RLJ

Ryan, Wow! No matter how many times I read your letters, I never fail to get that sensation. And even a silly little grin that makes everyone wonder what I'm up to. I miss you, too. I keep the pictures of you in my car so I can see you everyday. You are so sexy! I'm not the only one that thinks so either. Some of my friends like to look at my pictures of you, and show everyone what their favorite pose of you is! (My favorite weren't in the pictures!) Beth and I were talking today, and she feels there should be more communication in our relationship. I guess I kind of agree. Maybe sometime we should just sit down and talk about life, maybe share things with each other that we don't know about. I think it would be nice, but it's up to you. There's so much more that we don't know about each other. I didn't try out for that play, but I am going to do speech. I've got to have something else in my life besides band. I fear I wore that out. I figure I can p...

Dear Ryan, Hey. How are ya? I'm o-kay- Having a rough time with life right now, but I'm sure I'll make it. I'm considering quitting band, and changing my major. I'm getting sick of it. I worked almost my whole life to get somewhere with music, and sometimes it seems as if I'm getting nowhere.  I'm getting back into drama, and I think I'll do o-kay- I have a try out on Monday. It's the lead role in the 'Invisible Man.' I probably won't get it, but it's worth a try. Maybe I'll get something. Who knows?! My car's not fixed yet. I hope it will be soon though. I miss it. In a few months the windows will be tinted, and I'm going to have an awesome stereo in it. I'm getting a Pioneer CD player. It's sleek. Other than that I've been working a lot. Making mucho dollars so I can hopefully go down to see you for Homecoming. If I do though, I need you to look me up a place to stay if you could. It needs to be as cheap as p...

He invited me over for the evening. He said he needed a friend, but we both knew he was looking for more than just a friend. Perhaps I was, too.  I was wildly curious about being alone with a young man, a young man who seemed to be much like myself. Reserved, shy and repressed. Perhaps somewhat depressed, too... He offered me orange cream champagne in a Coke glass. I was parched and anxious, so I quickly swallowed it down. I slowly melted into the sofa as he casually chatted with me. I then slipped into a hazy, lazy horny champagne cream dream. When I awoke I found myself in the nude with fresh semen on my abdomen. And he was nowhere to be found...

You are my man, My all desire. You are the flame, That burns my fire. You are the shield, That keeps me safe, From all the pain, That I may face. You are the cure, That heals my heart. You are the need, That I can't part. You are the one, I see in light. I know you're there, Into the night.  With Love to Ryan Jevne By: Rita Rosalita

A passage from Act Eighteen, Chapter Eighteen, The Great Escape, "Tap Your Heels Together." We'll need permissions for this one, but it lends itself perfectly to your story Ryan. Let me know your thoughts... "Ryan, you wanted to pursue consciousness for yourself. You should not have chosen it for yourself. But you didn't, it chose you. It called your number. It drafted for you a small life and made impossible demands. You said, “No.” You will say, “It can't be done.” You will say, "I don't want to," and it will laugh at your naivety. It will speak to you in symbols, a language you don’t know. It will shake the stable earth. It will break your mirrors and douse your life with gasoline. It will light your spirit on fire. You will die and give birth to yourself in the same instant, again and again. You will remember that Shakespeare was right, all the world is a stage. You will wonder why you've been playing so small a part. For an instant you ...