gayNwyo

Ryan, There are a million things I have said to you in our time as friends. Some important, some less so. But all things said, there are still a million to say. However, our time together has been cut short, thus I fear some unsaid words will remain just that. When I first met you, as I've told you before, I felt a special connection to you. We were truly meant to meet. I have always felt that I can confide in you some of my darkest secrets, as well as babble on about my joyous times. I am honored that you have let me see into your soul. You have many friends that love you and care about you, and do anything for you. You are very lucky and God has smiled on you. And God smiled on me the day we met. We have not always been close friends, if even friends at all, but we are now and that's what counts. Many of my friends of the past have been friend only to either use me or because they felt obligated to be sometimes. But you have not. When I needed you, you were there as I was, an...

"He accused me of being physically abusive. Can you fucking believe that?!?" "Why would he say something like that?!?" "I don't know! The only time I was even remotely physically abusive was when I had my hand on his throat while I was fucking him. And he loved that!!!"

"So, you don't want the truth?" "It's not the truth I want." "Then what do you want??" "I want the illusion. I want the illusion that I can live with." "Wouldn't you rather live with a glimmer of truth, rather than an illusion of a lie??"

"What would you like to talk about today, Ryan?" "I still need to talk about him. And why it still hurts. Why he still hurts my heart." "That's just the feeling of an empty spot in your heart, that's all." "Will it ever go away??" "Not all the way..." "Why not? What will happen if it doesn't go away?" "It will be tender and sore for awhile, and maybe longer." "How can I fill that empty spot?" "You can't fill that empty spot. Keep it empty. Remember the love that filled that spot once. It may not feel like it now, but that spot isn't empty at all, but very full." "Really??" "Yes, it's overflowing. That grief you feel is a place of left over love. And that's a beautiful thing, because it will always be a part of you."

I was raised Mormon. I was told I was perfect to begin with. A pure, perfect soul, worthy of all the grace God had to give. And then I grew up... Then I was told that no one was perfect, except Jesus of course. And that perfection wasn't possible, not in this life, only in the life to come. But the expectations to become perfect were always there, always expected. Unattainable perfection expectations. This was a recipe for psychological torture that would haunt me far into adulthood. I was told there was a war in heaven. I was on the winning side, so I got to come to earth. With the potential to someday become a God. There were three heavens that I could go to someday, too. If I was perfectly perfect I could go to heaven number one. If I was anything less than perfect, then I'd go to heaven number two. And heaven number three was for all those who fell below heaven number one and heaven number two. Then there was one more place. Outer darkness, reserved for the ultimately wicke...

Ryan, Yesterday in your letter you said I didn't love you. But I do. I've had so many mixed feelings about this, I'm not even sure what I lied about. And I'm sure somewhere down the line something that I supposedly said was over exaggerated. I'm really sorry! So if you want to give this relationship another chance that's perfectly fine with me. I never wanted this to happen. I never imagined this could happen. So once again I'm really sorry. I still love you even though you broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  So please write back and tell me what you think. Erin Williams

"Sit down, Ryan. I want to talk to you..." "Uh, oh. What's going on...?" "We need to talk about this blog of yours. It's causing quite a stir around here. People are talking about it. Do you realize that??" "Yes I do." "And sometimes not always in a good way. I've read some of it. What are you trying to do with it?" "I'm just blogging about my life. Slices of my life." "Well, what if the wrong people are reading it?" "Who are the wrong people?" "I don't know. But if the wrong people do read it, you could get into some real trouble..." "Are you kidding me?! Are you trying to intimidate me?? In my opinion, you are the wrong people..." "Well, I think you should stop it." "That's not going to happen. I suggest you mind your own business. If you don't like it, don't read it."

Hey you! After all, this was all for you. All of it. I hope you loved it. All of it. It was, after all, all for you. I absolutely love you, all of you! For You, From Me. 💋  P.S. FUCK YOU!!!

"I just read your entire blog! And oh my fucking god Ryan! What the fuck is that all about?!?!" "That's the story of my life. Some of it. I'm not done yet..."

I was the pauper, He was my prince. I rich in soul, He poor in spirit.  I gave all, Him very little. He gave me all, Not met in the middle. No richer or poorer with him, All about money, Money in the end.

~ Ryan ~ I just got off the phone with you & I'm missing you already. Just wanted you to know how much I absolutely love and adore you. I think of you all the time. Always have - No life without Ryan - Wow. I miss you. Love you. Adore you. The one in the shadows has always been you. Love Always & Forever, Rita Rosalita Jevne???

"If all goes right, nothing is ever fun. The fun is in the chaos. Comedy comes from chaos. If we don't know chaos, we can't know comedy. That's where the fun lies, in the chaos. So let's laugh at the chaos, shall we?!"

Ryan, you put on your blog whatever you want. Seriously. I maybe feel that I fell too hard and too soon for you. You are sexy, brilliant, kind-hearted, compassionate, funny, kind, and beautiful. And your expressions are beautiful. It was pretty hard not to fall for you. Past tense, I get it. Sorry about the cheap shot about your blog. That's part of what I found interesting about you, Ryan, and I'm proud of your success! You deserve it, sweet man! I'm kind of high, and it took entirely too much time to write that.

"Face it, you aren't like them at all, not by a long shot! You might wake up and get dressed like some of them. You may watch some of the same shows or eat some of the same meals. But, Ryan, the more you try to fit in the more you'll always be on the outside, witnessing the normal people go on about their small ordinary lives. Every time you chat the small chat or talk about the weather, you know you're just dying to ask the meaningful questions, the ones that really matter. Face it, you want to ask me right now if I'm attracted to you, right?" "How could you know that?!?!" "Because, we're usually all thinking the same things, dying to really connect with each other. Never taking the chance to really open up." "You're not wrong..." "Everyone has a piece of the puzzle. No one pops up in your life by mere chance. Trust what you feel. Do what is unexpected. Find the others that are just like you." "You're o...

"He and I had the most extreme romance. We were on fire all the time. We burned so hot. And when we fought, we fought so hot. So hot that we burned each other up. It was intense. And all that intense hot cannot be forgot."

We were the disillusioned duo, You and I.  We disillusioned each other, Into a lie.

Hey Ryan! I haven't seen you around lately, and I miss you. You always brought such love and light with you. And I miss that. Bring that back sometime. Write me back, when you come back around.  Jonah

I went to an underground party once. In Casper Wyoming, with a very dear friend. Of course there was booze, pot, meth and weed. Indeed, it was two thousand and one. And all the best people were there, of course.  And all everyone kept asking me was, "Ryan, are you sure you're not gay? Because every guy here seems to want in your pants..."

I entered as an angel, An angel with wings. I sang to a beauty,  A beautiful dropout on stage. The audience laughed, Laughed and applauded. Underneath the angel, The angel with wings. There was a skinny tight jockstrap, Holding up all those things.

He stood frozen, drenched with icy rain, the kind that made his soul cry from the inside out. It had to be nearly three in the morning, but his mind had lost all sense of time for what seemed to be months now. He'd disconnected and disassociated from everything and everyone.  Lately, all he cared to do was to sit alone in his office and write endless nonsense in dozens of notebooks. Sometimes he would stop to craft a pair of hand sewn ruby slippers or a homemade broomstick in the garage.  But tonight he was paralyzed in the freezing rain, somehow trapped in space and time, oblivious and numb to any form or sense of reality. He pulled his only solace from his wet pocket, a small slender pipe with sweet release packed inside. He lit the end, inhaled desperately and deeply, holding it in for as long as he could, until his eyes rolled back in his head and he became dizzy. Then, the sweet exhale, out into the rain, where it danced between droplets.  A voice in the dark whisper...

"So, you're the underdog blogger everyone is talking about, right?!" "I guess you could call me that, yeah. Everyone seems to be cheering me on and reading all this trash. Small town people eat shit like this up!" "Well, I think you're brave and courageous. Not many people would spill secrets and shit like that all over the place. I love that about you, so authentic and transparent. We love you, Ryan!"

HI! What's wrong with you? It seemed like you were mad Saturday. Sorry I was acting so stuck up Saturday, but I didn't feel good. I was sick Sunday. But enuf about that. So you been busy lately? I have. I'm not going out with you cause you're fine. I'm going out with you cause you're a sweetheart and I'm happy when I'm with you. I really love you and I wouldn't dump you for anything in the world! I wish I could see you more often. You're probably getting sick of me writing so I'll wait for awhile before I write you again. -k- BYE! I Love You! Erin

To: Ry-Ry From: Amous Ryan, I'm writing one last time before I leave. Thank you for being a good friend, it has really meant a lot to me. Thank you for still being my friend even when I know I've made it hard. I really never meant to do anything to hurt you or make you mad, and I know I have. It means a lot that you continued to be my friend after these times. You will always be in my memories and, as you wrote on the back of your Senior picture you gave me so long ago, I'll be around if you ever need me. I'll be a phone call away, and between friends, that's not that far. I wish you the best, all the happiness life has to offer. Remember, you are loved, you are a good person, please remember that and don't close your heart to being loved. Well, I think I've gotten deep and sappy enough. It's not like we'll never see each other again, right?! Your friend always, Amy :)' P.S. Someday hopefully I'll find second. Ha Ha!

"He's a low vibrational character, Ryan. Why would you ever care for such a low vibrational character??" "He came at me with such seemingly high vibrations! I was the fool, I know. I can see that now. His vibrations were violently low..."

My father once called me a materialistic boy. "You're too much of this materialistic world my son, this world is not for you, think of the world to come..." "But I don't live in that world, I live in this one, and this one is materialistic."

"I guess there's nothing left to say, except I love you. And if that isn't enough, after all that's passed between us, I guess I love you wasn't ever enough. When it really should've been absolutely enough, Ryan."

6/26/01 Ryan, Just a note to say I love you, miss you and think of you often. Keep your head up and call me whenever you need someone to talk to. Love Always, Rita

All I want is to love you, for the rest of my life... To wake up every morning with you by my side, Knowing that no matter what happens, I'll be able to come home to your loving arms. All I want is to share everything with you... To talk to you about our ideas, our dreams, The little everyday things, That make us laugh, And the not so little things, That we can't help worrying about. All I want is to give you my love... As a place you can always come to, For acceptance, Or the simple comfort that silence brings, When things left unspoken,  Can still be understood. All I want is to grow old with you... To watch our life unfold, Our dreams,  One by one, Come true. All I want is to love you forever.

"Can I ask you a question?" "Of course! I love questions that start like this. Immediately invasive yet subtle and to the point, I'm sure." "What made you decide to be gay, when you obviously have kids and have been with women?" "There was no decision to be made. I am what I am. I'm a brilliant bisexual, I love women and men. Why is that so hard to understand!?!"

The gay creation story involves the birth of twin brothers. They were called the Left and Right hand twins. The Left hand was all that was good in the world. He provided rain, crops and animals for nourishment and peace. The English named him Love. The Right hand was all that was evil in the world. He caused floods, fires, drought, sickness, famine and war. The English named him Hate.

"How can you be proud of being gay, Ryan?! There's nothing to be proud of in that, you should only feel shame..." "I'm not proud, because I've never felt truly proud of being gay. I'm only proud of the fact that I've never felt truly ashamed. And shame on you for shaming me for that!"

I remember a time when I believed that the world was no bigger than my own back yard. Things were simple, I believed everything I was told and trusted absolutely everyone I knew. I wanted for nothing and knew that I'd always be given exactly what I needed. Ultimately innocent, sheltered and naive. Then something happened that ripped my belief, trust, naivety and innocence violently away. Once upon a time I was a little boy, young enough to forget, but old enough to remember. Somewhere in between fantasy and imagination and tactile reality. A place where memory is blurred and real space and time were indeterminate. A dark stranger entered a fragile, safe and sweet place in my innocent space and brought with him some dark demons. These dark spirits brought fear I had never felt before, so unfamiliar that I quickly slipped under my bed and buried my face in my hands, curling myself into a tight protective ball.  They waited for me there, beside the bed. I remember feeling nauseous and...

"The drama here is fucking ridiculous! And all the shit you hear is probably as fake as the bitch that told you! Sooo, shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business!" Girl at work knows things...

"It's funny how something that hurt you years ago can still sting so deeply now." "That's the funny thing, the hurt and the sting will always be there. And the only way to numb the pain is to laugh at the pain, because it's still there."

"This just keeps getting better and better Ryan! This is really your life story?!" "Yes sir, all of it. Keep digging into the blog. It's all there. I've got so many more blogs to blog and stories to tell. I'm just getting warmed up!" "Give it all to me, Ryan! This book is going to be fucking amazing!!"

"You're just too fucking sexy for this world, Ryan! And that's why most people don't like you. They are threatened by your sexiness..." "Is that what it is?? Fuck! Can you tell me how to shut the sexy off?!?" "You can't, Ryan, let that shit shine!"

"Hey, guess what?!?! I saw your favorite person the other day. He was up on a ladder hanging a sign. And I honked at him. He shook on the ladder and almost fell. I laughed so hard. Then he flipped me off. I yelled, 'You need a real man to help you hang that up!?!?' " "Oh yeah?!" "Yeah, then I saw him again. He asked me why I wasn't going to yoga anymore. He asked me, 'Did I drive everyone away from yoga class, or what?! Is it just me or what?!?' And all I could say was, 'Don't flatter yourself, you aren't such a big deal!' "  "He's always so consumed with what people think of him, self absorbed, it's all about him..." "Yeah, he makes me sick..." "Well, if he took his shoes off in yoga, that's probably why everyone stopped going..." "Please don't tell me you're going to go blog about this now?!?" "You know I am!" "Fuck you, Ryan!"

"I swear, if your ex comes through my line again, I'm going to have him 86'ed from the store!" "What happened?!" "He was in here, being rude and loud..." "What did he say?" "He was walking out and yelled really loud, 'Be sure to tell Ryan I'm here!!!' " "He's just trying to be intimidating, that's what he does..." "Then I yelled back, 'And how old are you?!?!' " "Well, I'll talk to Brandon. If he's being deliberately threatening and mean, we can play it back with video and audio. What time was it?" "Probably six thirty or so..." "Thanks, I'll check it out. Why he feels the need to make a sickening spectacle of himself I don't for the life of me know...!"

Have a great day, Brett! 😉 You too, Ryan! 💋 *racy photo* Yumm!!! *another racy photo* Also YUM! 🔥 I'm glad you like them! Yes I do! Thanks for sharing! I'm always 🔥 in the morning... I'm always happy to share. 🥰 *yet another racy photo* I love a ginger!

It's been five years since I forgave you for ripping my heart out. Some wounds never heal. You carry my heart still, in your back pocket, unaware that as long as it's still there it keeps me from moving on. And since my heart has been taken, it leads to my breaking a heart or two along the way. It's too late to wish for a second chance, I know this. But hell can still hope, I suppose.

In the beginning, you loved me. Then, after your persistence, I finally loved you. You played your cards and won my love. And I, believing you loved me, loved you. It took you two years to realize you really didn't love me, all the time I was falling even more in love with you.

Ryan, Of all the things that I still have to say to you, even after all this time, the first thing that comes to mind is, I love you. I know I may never see you again, but just knowing that I saw you every day for two years should be enough. I'll keep you inside me. Your smiles, your seductive glares, your sleepy eyes and messed hair. 

I see you, I see you. I see you, For what you really are. And I still love you. All the good, All the glorious.  All the bad, All the ugly. Under all that, There is love. I love you!

You were that guy. That perfect guy. That perfect guy! Why didn't we? Why didn't we try? Why didn't we try harder?!

We met in parallel dimensions.  We met there, and then. We crossed into this, Into this dimension.  Not to mention, His dimension met mine. Our dimensions met fine. Only at that moment in time.

"Ryan. Do you know him? What is he like? I really like him. What do you think of him??" "He chews people up and spits them out, like a piece of gum. Stay away from him..."

"So, your blog... Would you say that you're getting revenge on him for hurting you so much?" My mother asks me. "No, Mom, no. My blog didn't start out like that. I just wanted to tell my story and protect myself when I felt threatened. He threatened me. He wanted people to think I was the bad guy." "You've always been the good guy, everyone knows that..." "I know. He wanted to destroy my reputation in a small town. I was the new guy, I could've cared less. Ironically, it turns out, his reputation in this small town wasn't so stellar to begin with."

"Hey Ryan, let's run!!" Jonah instigated, with a sexy wink.  We were barefoot, in the heat of deep summer. Still boys, not yet men in all senses of the word. We'd been smoking joints all afternoon, sweaty and desperate to cool off. He took off at wicked a pace. He whipped his head back over his shoulder. "Come on, Ryan, catch me if you can...!!!" He had teased me on and off all summer, quick hot glances, and fast brushes of body contact, turning me on, then turning me off at the same time. Something told me he was just as confused as I. But we both knew we were wildly curious about each other.  I took off in a heartbeat, up for the challenge to chase this enigimatically sexy man. My bare feet on the hot pavement burned just enough to quicken my pace.  The sun was in the west and Jonah was eluding me around every corner, laughing at me as I couldn't quite keep up. Then he disappeared completely.  He ducked into a grove of trees, then down to the river. I ...

Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How's it going? A little better here, I guess. Well, I do have an answer to the question you asked me. ~ Okay ~ The reason I am with you is because I've been looking for someone like you forever. You're everything I want. You're not like all the other guys I've been with. You don't treat me like a piece of meat. You like me for my personality, and not the way me or my body looks. Every, well, almost every, guy I've gone out with, their basic journey was to get me in the sack with them. You're not like that. You treat me human, and I like that. You make me feel so special. It's like when I'm around you, no one else exists. Pretty deep, huh? Well, I don't know what more to say. Work is going so much better. I get along with everyone, and the waitresses compliment me constantly on what a hard worker I am. It's really cool. I've met a ton of people. It's so cool. I have friends! Oh-my-gosh! Wow! NE-way. Hannah an...

We walked down 16th Street in Denver.  During the eclipse.  Holding hands.  My heart eclipsed. Our hearts flipped.  Flipped in the eclipse.  My heart locked in his. His in mine. Hearts locked in time.

"What do you think I should do?" She asked.  "What does your heart tell you?"   "It tells me not to..." "Then, listen to your heart."

"He was in here, didn't you see him, it was just after four...?" "Yeah, I saw him. He's routine like a clock, here for lemons and limes, on his way to work for tips slinging drinks at the bar again..."

"I found the key. The key to unlock my unconscious mind, and all the memories locked inside. What I found inside was frighteningly beautiful. I only had to surrender everything I thought I knew, and everything I thought I was. The ultimate surrender was the key."

"So many things make me think of you, so many bitter fucking sweet memories I have of you. Of you and I. Why can't I just forget all of them, and forget you, too?" "Because we are pieces of each other, you and I. We were meant to find each other. Meant to make bitter fucking sweet memories together, you and I. Let's not pretend we didn't have the time of our lives..."

"Why weren't we enough for you, Ryan??" She asked me in one of the last verbal exchanges we would have. "You were, you were..." "Then why did you feel the need to go looking for more? We are your little family. We need you. We love you. Aren't you happy with us??" "Of course I am, Rita, of course I am. But there are sides of me that you don't know about. Sides I don't let you see, sides I'm afraid to let you see..." "I've seen all those sides, Ryan. And I love them all..." "Well, there's one side of me you've never seen, and when you see that side, you'll be done with me."

"I can't say for certain what happened, Katherine. All I can tell you is that I don't remember..." "You've got to try, Randy. You're scaring the shit out of me every single day. You are not ok! How can I trust you with any part of my life if you're going to be blacking out like this?!?!" "I'm sorry. I know. I'm out of control. All I can remember is waking up in the backyard naked, cold and afraid. What happened before that is a blur... I just can't remember." "Do you know how fucked up that is Randy?!?!" "I can't imagine what it must look like from your perspective. I know I'm fucked. I don't need to be told again. I feel like shit already..." "Well you need to get some serious help, or I'm going to have to do something drastic..!!!"

I've got a duffle bag. A duffle bag full of dirty things. Dirty jockstraps, dirty socks. Dirty toys. Dirty duffle bag for dirty, dirty deeds. Dirty deeds, indeed! I love my duffle bag of dirty! 

"Your story is like a jumbled up puzzle. All these little bits of blogs add up to something, and that intrigues me. All these pieces fit together somehow, I'm just trying to figure it all out and piece it together. I'm going to need your help with the editing process." "Well, some of the pieces aren't going to fit, because there are pieces of my life that just don't fit, it that makes sense? There are pieces of my life that I've deliberately left out. But I'll do my best to help you with the editing process. Just be patient with me..." "I'm going to need you to provide me with all those missing pieces if we're going to have a complete story, Ryan."

"You need to stop assuming that I'm in something I want to get out of! I may be unhappy right now, but I'm willing to try!" Katherine exclaimed to Randy. "If you're so unhappy, then why are you trying at all?!?" Randy shot back.  "Because I fucking love you, Randy, that's why!!"

I must have been 10, maybe 11. The age when boys are just naturally mischievous. I'm sure I must have done something severe enough to warrant a good spanking. Although I can't quite remember what. My Dad called me into his room for a spanking. He made me pull my pants down and lean over the side of the bed, bare butt and all. He had a belt. He began to spank me. But it wasn't quite hard enough to even hurt... I busted up laughing... "Get out of here!" He directed. I pulled my pants up and left the room, still giggling.  Dad never attempted to punish me with a good spanking again. 

Rita, I can't keep this inside anymore. I just can't, I've got to tell you how I feel about you. I've felt love before, but nothing quite like this. So don't mind if I try to avoid you, because this is very complicated. After I tell you this I'm going to need some time to myself. You may not feel the same and I perfectly understand. I fell in love with you at the dance. That other girl I was talking about, was you. Yes, and you are partly the reason I broke up with Erin. I've thought about this long and hard and concluded that I truly do love you. Every poem I wrote was direct to you. I wanted to tell you face to face, but every chance I had, I just couldn't. Every poem you've wrote to me I've cherished and I'll keep them for as long as I shall live. I hope that my deep love for you doesn't ruin our relationship we've built. If it does, it won't be the first time. Please take these words to heart. I'll think about you every mo...

I knew him as a boy. We grew up together. We'd play with the same friends on the same block. He reminded me of myself, we were both tender boys who were easily hurt and offended by how cruel other children could be. His mom worked at the local grocery store making cakes in the bakery. His dad was a ghost who never seemed to be home. He invited me over once, his house was empty. He showed me a closet under the stairs. Strewn all over the cement floor of this closet were countless magazines, all with naked men inside. I'd never seen anything like that before. He picked one up and showed it to me. I immediately felt aroused, yet sick. I quickly left the house. We stayed friends at a distance from then on, passing ways occasionally.  When we were older he came out. I'd always known he was gay, he didn't ever have to say a word. I saw that part of him in me, and didn't quite know how to feel about it. He was brave coming out like he did, in a small town like ours. I admi...

He desired a pair of slippers. Ruby slippers, more precisely. For those ruby slippers, There was a price. A precise price. A dirty, filthy, nasty price. Yet the price was right, Just ruby right!

April 24, 1997 Ryan,  Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm just peachy as always. Just hangin' in health talking about sexual crap. Oh joy! That really did surprise me when you called last night. I'm glad you did, even though we didn't get to really talk. I'm sorry I am so confusing all the time. I kept thinking about how you sounded so lost. Well, at least until I said all that crap about how much I care about you. Then your voice got all, I don't know, it just got different. I just want to know what you're thinking, that's all. I just wish you could tell me how you're thinking, how you feel. Just the truth, that's all I'm asking for. Please write me back. It would mean a lot to me. Love,  Jill

"There in the end, things were pretty dark. I was in a deep, dark funk that I couldn't get out of. Things just didn't feel right between us. There was a ton of unspoken tension that was building in the silence. It scared me. And we never talked about it." "Can you tell me more about that time...?" "I was drinking wine every single night, every single one. I found it harder and harder to sleep. Either I'd sleep too much or not enough." "That doesn't sound healthy." "It wasn't. And to make things worse, one night I ate an entire chocolate bar with shrooms in it, thinking it would make me feel better..." "And did it??" "No. It took me to an even darker place. A place I never want to be again. I had convinced myself in that dark place that the only way to escape that darkness was to take my life..." "Did you have a plan???" "Absolutely. I was going to start the car he had given me in th...

Tony, the girl next door that got naked with my brother in a closet and told me not to tell anyone. Vanessa, a girl down the street that smelled like grape bubble gum and cotton candy. She liked to touch me in places she wasn't supposed to. Mandy, the girl in class that snuck under the table just to hold my hand, spurring a strong erection that kept me under that table longer than I should've been. Jessica, a girl that was best friend's with my sister. She danced in sequins on stage and flirted with her eyes. She trapped me in the curtains backstage once and grabbed my crotch. Then she ignored me. Erin, another friend of my sister's. She was sultry and sassy. She looked at my pants more than at my face. We got naked once, her vagina smelled like sweet molasses and peaches on my fingers. Jill, the girl who wrote me sweet letters, ending in 'just peachy.' We danced together at a school dance. That same night she took a bottle of aspirin and slit her wrists. She wa...

"Dad, did you ever have any other girlfriends other than Rita and my mom...?" My receptive and sweet son asks me. "Yes, I did. I had other girlfriends. But only two wives, Rita and your mother." "Who were the other girlfriends?" I had to think for a few seconds... "There was Erin, Nancy, Jill and Victoria. There were a few others, but not so serious. Victoria was the most serious." "What was she like?" "She was sweet, but a mess most of the time. She wanted to get married, but I wasn't ready for that." "Why?" "She scared me sometimes..." "Where is she now?" "She's dead..." "Why, what happened??" "She took her own life..." "Oh, Dad, I'm sorry!" "It's okay. She's in heaven with her mom now. She tried to take her own life a few times when we were together, and that's why she scared me." "Wow, Dad, I didn't know all tha...

There once was a man that stole my heart,  A man that had fallen apart.  He couldn't take on all the love. All the love that I had, For that giant tin heart. A giant heart made of tin. But hidden within, Was a fiercely beating heart. A heart made of gold.  Hidden deep within that heart of tin,  He had a heart of golden gold.

Girls chased me before I knew what they were doing, before I knew they were chasing me. But they, they knew what they were doing. I was clueless most of the time.  Until puberty came and changed the name of the game. Then I knew what I had gotten myself into.  There were far too many girls getting close to me. Far too many girls that wanted to be friends. Far too many girls assuming that maybe someday they'd be girlfriends... Girls sure knew how to chase! Dad noticed this. "The boys chase the girls, Ryan, that's how it goes!! Girls don't chase boys!!!"

"So, basically what you're saying is that you're going to pay me to give all my secrets away...?" "Basically, yes." "And all this time I've been giving them away for free..."

"Relationships are hard." She started by saying. "Most of the people I know have never been in a real, long lasting relationship. Now a days people don't care about each other like they used to. They expect too much. They expect perfection, when it doesn't exist. They take without giving, or they give without taking. It's a love, hate relationship with most people. It's a wicked world, Ryan. Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship for a while."

Eye contact wasn't one of the things he enjoyed the most. He was on the spectrum, after all. He said he had to go to therapy when he was younger to learn how to hold eye contact with others. One wouldn't guess he had issues at all, until you really got to know him. He was tender and trusting and ultimately sweet. So much so that this world was too much for him most of the time. He found the world and most of the people in it very overwhelming. He let very few people into his unique and eclectic life. He filled his space so sweet, and he was always occupying his deep mind. Under all that tenderness and sweetness, there was a genius. This man let me into his life. And, he saved my life. He was my unsung hero. He was my tender and somewhat tenacious savior. A man I came to love all too completely and all too quickly.  "Your eyes gleam so well in this light, Ryan..." He complimented me as he gazed deeply into my eyes. The sunlight streaming into the room made them shine. ...

Time goes by, and still, there's only you. People come and people go, but you'll always exist to me, As my one and only true friend. Even though we weren't strong enough to support each other, And our all too consuming passion. I still long to be by your side. I need you, I miss you, I think of you constantly. And knowing you no longer need me, Doesn't change how I feel for you. You could rip me apart,  And break my heart. But the last beat of my heart, Will always belong to you. 

Ryan,  I hope all is well with you!! I backed away to try and respect your space. I know I can be intense, I apologize. I meant every word I said in that last text to you. I would still like to be in your life. I guess I'm not sure exactly what you want or would be open to. But I do miss you, Ryan. And I definitely would still like to be your friend. Give it some thought. No pressure, sweet man. Enjoy this beautiful weather!

He slammed his spoon right smack dab in the middle of his banana split. It was sudden, striking and sexy. "That's how I feel about her!" He said, smearing the whipped cream all over the stabbed banana, then licking the spoon clean with his thin lips.  I was only twelve, and he was my best friend. I secretly had a mad crush on him. When he slammed that spoon deep in that banana split I had an immediate erection under the booth.  When we stood up to leave, with my erect penis, I had to bend over and limp out of the booth to hide it. "What's the matter?" He asked me. "I've got a cramp in my leg and I must have had too much ice cream..." I lied.

Hey Erin, Don't take it personal or nothing, but I really don't want anything to do with you, because I don't want to get any more involved with you than I already am. Because I really can't accept the fact that we aren't together, and if we can't be together, we might as well not be any more involved. So, this doesn't change the way I feel about you, but it's just too hard to even write you, let alone see you. It just confuses me emotionally. So, hey, don't get too upset, just act as if we hadn't even met. Another reason I'm avoiding you is because Rita asked me to, and I'm gonna respect her requests. I'm just writing to you to let you know that I won't receive any more letters from you, so don't write, ok. Consider everything from here on out between us - nothing, because that's what it's gonna be. Please don't cry, because I'm hurting more than you. Ryan Jevne Bye, Forever

"I can hear a music box in my head..." He said, in a silly, sexy voice. I laughed out loud. "Can't you hear it!?!?" He asked, thinking I wasn't taking him seriously. I leaned in close, so close to his sexy face. Then, as if through a telepathic, magical love soul connection, I heard that sweet music box twinkling. That was the sweetest moment of pillow talk I ever remember having.

"Spending a summer without a sweet man in it, after knowing what it was once like to spend a sweet summer with a sweet man, is sweetly sad." "I can totally relate, Ryan. I wish you were my type, I'd totally date the fuck out of you! You put words together so sweetly. You'll find another sweet man someday."

I've still got his black and blue jockstrap. One of my favorites. It still reminds me of how fucking sexy he was, and how sexy he made me feel. He wore that jockstrap, and so did I. For weeks after our break up, I would jizz in that sweet jockstrap. Then stash it away for another day, and another jizz... I love how it feels and smells. Some days, I'll take it out and shove it in my face and inhale deeply. Nothing like the smell of crusty, creamy cum in a jockstrap...

They were on another road trip, this time on their way to Denver. To see 16th Street and walk down the street holding hands with no shame. Something they couldn't do in their ignorant Wyoming hometown. Then to eat at The Hard Rock Cafe, where they could nuzzle each other in a booth without fear of being seen and judged. Then to a sweet dispensary, where they could buy some yummy gummies to enjoy while they were naked in their private hotel room. On the freeway Brian reached across to the passenger's seat, his hand finding its' way between Ryan's legs... "If you keep rubbing my dick through my pants like that, you're going to set my pants on fire, Brian..." "Then take them down..." "Yes, sir, you don't have to ask me twice..." Ryan ripped his belt through the loops and tore his jeans down around his ankles. Then Brian went to town. "Do you think I can jerk you off to completion before our exit...?" "I believe in you Br...

I haven't heard your voice for years, but I can still hear its' sweet, soft sound in my mind. The gentle way you said my name, when I was on the edge of sleep as you tried to wake me. I haven't felt your sweet, loving touch for years, but I can still feel your soft, tender hands on my chest and cheeks. The gentle way you fondled me on summer evenings when time had no hold on me. I haven't felt your presence beside me for years, but I can still feel how you felt, there with me, in your sincere and serene style. The way you were so unassuming and authentic, unabashed and unafraid. Your presence still haunts me, in all the sweetest ways.

I hate how you won't talk to me. I hate how you go on with your life pretending I don't exist. I hate how I lied to you. I hate how you broke my heart. I hate how I broke yours. I hate how we were never enough for each other. I hate how every day I don't see you seems like it will never end. I hate waking up alone. I hate feeling that I'm all to blame. But I don't hate you. I hate how when every blue Sable drives by, I turn my head. I hate how everyone with blue eyes reminds me of you. I hate how I fiddle my ring when I think of you. I hate how I can't go five minutes without thinking of you. I hate how the smell of french toast and cigarettes remind me of you. I hate how I can't make one single commitment to anyone or anything. I hate thinking of tomorrow. I hate uncertainty. I hate going to Wal-Mart without you. I hate watching movies without you. I hate doing dishes because of you. I hate doing laundry and not mixing it with yours. I hate watching the sta...

4/27/98 Rita,  Here's another letter that may never get to you. But it helps me to write them, it gives me something to do. Life here is the usual. Went to church yesterday, because my mom threatened to make my life miserable if I didn't. And I don't doubt that she could. She's gotten mean lately. She lectures me every time I turn around. Telling me things I've been told a hundred times, like it's gonna make any difference if I hear it one more time. I went to sacrament meeting and the pianist started playing 'Love At Home' and I broke down. I had to walk out, I didn't go back in there. Don't ask me why. I just didn't, it hit me hard. I had an appointment with a cardiologist today. I didn't go. See, my hearts been hurting a lot lately. I try to keep it to myself. I say one thing to my mom and she freaks. It's not a problem really, I'm just growing. I think it's because my ribs are moving back into place. So, how's life on ...

Dear Rita, There will never be another like you. There will never be another like me. There will never be any others like we. I hope you haven't given up on me. I won't turn my back on you, please don't turn yours on me. I'll be waiting here forever for you. Just tell me what I need to do. To be in your arms again, to feel whole again. I miss you. Say you miss me too. I love you. Say you love me, too. Ryan

"A have a rule..." He started to say, after glancing at a sink half full of dirty dishes.  He didn't finish his sentence. He didn't have to. I knew what he was going to say. He was going to tell me exactly how he wanted his dishes done. It wasn't enough that I did them, now he wanted to tell me how and when he wanted those dishes done.

Ryan sat down for another session with his addiction counselor, reluctant to share anything much with the woman who had half way fallen asleep during their last session. After he had shared personal things, and shed tears. Why would she actually listen now? This rehab was bullshit! And his parents had paid entirely too much for him to be somewhere he didn't care to be in the first place. "Ryan, let's talk about your love life. You shared with me last time that you were married before. She was your first wife, correct?" "Yes, but that shouldn't matter now. We aren't here to talk about my past. We're here to talk about my addiction and how to get me sober again." "Most addictions are linked to the losses you've experienced in your life. Or the places in your life that can't be filled. So, the loss of your first wife could have something to do with your addictive tendencies. Could that be true?" "I don't think so..." ...

Never before has before, Been more before than now. For all that was before, Has never been more before, More before than now.

He had a secret. A sweet secret. A so much secret that it might kill him. A secret it might kill him to give away. And yet he gave that secret away, And it was his way to stay. His sweet secret gave him away, And yet that sweet secret, That sweet secret let him stay.

When I was five, I remember neighbor friends and I having a slumber party.  We all got naked and played together. No shame. Just naked together. 

One Christmas, I remember getting a Transformers toy truck.  And my sister got the Peaches & Cream Barbie. I was secretly jealous. I snuck into her room late that night to smell and play with that sweet Peaches & Cream Barbie. 

"If I could suck my own dick, I'd never leave the house..." He confessed.  "Well, if I could eat my own ass, I'd do the same...!"

I dreamed of a man,  And he came to me. He whispered, "I'm the man of your dreams..." He seemed to be the man, The man of my dreams. But the man of my dreams, Was not all that he seemed. 

He was a little lost lamb, Looking for a lion. A lion of a man, To tame his pain. The lion came, And tamed his pain. But he and his lion, They were not the same.

"You get extra credit for having it all..." He said. I did have it all. I gave it my all. He took my all. And yet all my all, and my extra credit wasn't good enough for him. 

He called me on the phone. Which he never did. We only ever text. So I knew it was urgent. I was at work and I answered. "Hello...?" "Don't go back to our house! Something just happened!" "What's going on?!?!" "Just promise me you won't go back home!" "Tell me what's going on!" "I'm at the hospital. Some guys just verbally assaulted me in our front yard. They were native. They assumed I was gay. They asked me if I knew what 'reparations day' was. I didn't answer. I got in my car and left to go back to work. They followed me and drove me off the road. They damaged my car. I'm getting checked out. I seem to be okay, I'm just very shook up..." "Why can't I go home to our house???" "They are there, those guys, they tried to break into our house." I immediately went home. The police were there. Our home had been broken into.  We had been hate crimed. He came home short...

Sweet Ryan.  I love you. Truly. You are a sweet, smart, empathetic person. You are like no one else I've ever met. If you ever change your mind, you obviously have my number, baby. I'm not sure what went wrong. It seemed like things changed after we spent time together. I probably pushed too much. Being with you in bed was amazing. To me, you are completely amazing. I hope that whoever is lucky enough to go through life with you really truly appreciates what they have. You are too good of a person, just inherently good, to ever put up with a-holes or disrespect. Congratulations on your blog! That's excellent. Take care of yourself, sweet man. You will be a hard act to follow. ❤️ 

Act One: Sweet Childhood Innocence "It's always best to start at the beginning..." Act Two: Adolescents Interrupted  "Oh, I'll fight you myself!" Act Three: Who We Are "Oh, you're the best friend's anybody ever had!" Act Four: Hormone Romance "Picture me... a balcony..." Act Five: Over Night Daddy "No heart! All hollow!!" Act Six: Torn Away "Give them back to me!" Act Seven: Godfather Savior "A horse of a different color." Act Eight: Summers of Awakening  "Oh, yes, let's run!" Act Nine: Into The Woods "I'd turn back if I were you." Act Ten: Returning Home "I can't come back, I don't know how it works!" Act Eleven: Fatherhood Failure "You see that?! That's how much longer you've got to be alive!" Intermission: NDE Act Twelve: A Breakdown "Well, some people do go both ways..." Act Thirteen: Finding Brian "There's nothing ...

I was a little boy, Living in a land of fantasy.  I imagined it so well, It became my reality. 

He wasn't for me, I wasn't for him. We weren't for each other, My other and me. But oh how I wished, That I was for him, And he was for me.

Well, my cool, queer, folk friends. Seems I'm on my way to fortune and fame, thanks to you all. My blog exploded overnight, a million plus views. Now I'm gonna be published in all my sick and shameless glory... Exit, stage left...