gayNwyo

He's the man that got away. The man I fell so deeply in love with.  The man that promised me the world. The man that gave me the world. The man that had it all.  The man that had my heart. The man that broke my heart. He's the man that got away. The man that got away with my heart.

I had no other choice but to totally disconnect from what may be happening at home. For my own sanity I had to let go and surrender any concerns or control that I may still wish to have there. It came surprisingly easy for me, for if I weren't sober, that letting go and surrender would have been impossible. I had always been consumed with remaining in control of those small things that addiction aloud me to be in control of, which wasn't much in all actuality. Perhaps the slow process of giving up this consuming need for control over the past few years had paved the way for me to eventually find my way here, to Alpine Recovery Lodge, my last chance hope to save my life with sobriety.   The old addict in me would never agree to surrender control of my life.

Brian was cooking up some of his spicy tempeh tacos and savory curry rice bowls. He was an excellent chef, he loved being in the kitchen, and he loved making meals for his 'sexy tiger', Ryan. He was just finishing up, when he dropped his brown corderoy pants down around his thighs and looked back coyly over his shoulder at Ryan. He was bent over the counter, invitingly... Ryan knew immediately what to do. He rushed in and slid on his knees and buried his face in Brian's sweet ginger fuzzed butt. Brian tasted amazing as usual, nothing tasted better than Brian's ass, nothing... "How do you like that man-gina all over your face...?!" Ryan lost his focus, threw his head back and laughed like a madman. "Man-gina!?" He then resumed his appetizer. They'd carry on with the main course after tacos and curry rice.

"Damn, Steven, being with you has caused me to go through a second puberty, or something. You've brought out a new lusty man in me, my hormones are raging, I can't get enough of you!" "I know, I know! I feel like a teenager again with you... It's hot!" They had just had wildly insane sex, again. Ryan's ankles on Steven's shoulders, thrusting into each other like savage animals, working their way into pulsing orgasms of the most intense kind...

The rain came down in hard separate sheets, thick and then soft, hard and then light. Through my eyes though, the rain was shuttered in slow motion, like droplets of honey hanging in the air, falling gracefully slow to the ground, where they bounced on the dark forest floor.  I wasn't alone. There was a man out there in the dark, dancing in the rain, laughing with fiendish delight, out there in the night. He'd brought me here, to the forest where we'd been before. This time however, was more alive and intense than the last night we'd spent together, here in the dark, wet forest. "I want to take you back out there, where we were before, Ryan, please?" Jonah asked me, with lust and desire in his eyes. "I remember how you made me feel, and I want to feel that again. I know you felt something, too. We didn't have to say a word, that's why it was so beautiful with you. We understood each other in the silence. I've never felt that way with anyone, e...

"Yeah. All things change. Sooner or later, everyone you love leaves you, or you leave them. That's just the nature of life. That's why you gotta love someone while you can."

It would be one of the last times we would get naked, be intimate, make love, fuck, call it whatever you like. One of the last times I would stay the night. I'd been drinking all afternoon. It was my routine after work. I needed vodka to chill. We watched movies, as was our routine. Being with him made me feel good, the vodka only amplified that. "Hey, wanna see if I can get it up for you?" He asked, looking me in the eye, side faced. He never had a problem getting it up for me. "Hell yeah!" I said back, always ready to get hot in the sheets with that sexy bitch of a man... "Go get that sweet ass up in the air, I'm hungry!" I stripped down quickly, hopped up on the bed and got on all fours, my ass up in the air. He ate me for a while, which always took me straight to heaven. I flipped over and he slid a pillow under my lower back. He was then inside me, thrusting his huge cock deep, over and over. I threw my head back in ecstasy. He made me feel li...

There was always a circle of doubt around everything he said to me. A circle of doubt he created by everything he did to me.

"Ok, Mr. 'I want to bottom,' I'm gonna tell you a few things every bottom should know. It's not as easy as it may seem. Although it's totally worth it. Being a bottom is amazing!" "Yeah, I can imagine it is. I was primarily a top in my last relationship, he preferred to bottom, he said he wasn't good at topping. But every once in awhile I would climb on top. It was so good while it lasted. I got the impression he didn't like it too much, even though he came inside me immediately every time." "So, number one, make sure you prepare, otherwise it'll be sloppy. If you know what I mean..." "I know enough about that..." "Number two, ease into it. Don't let him go 'all in' all at once. Let him warm you up. Otherwise it's gonna hurt." "I guess I know more than you think I do..." "So why am I telling you all this?!" "I don't know, but keep going, I wanna see how far you...

He'd always spiral into these repetitive patterns of behavior.  I'm done with this, now I gotta do that. I'm done with that, now I gotta do this. He never took a moment to relax. Over and over, all day long. It exhausted me. It exhausted him. There was never any peace.

We're all tragically human. Always. Up to the end of our lives. Even if we know better. Even if we know we're more divine than that.

He recognized me in the grocery store. He looked familiar, but I couldn't remember from where. It's a small town, everyone looks familiar. I'm still getting to know people.  "Hey!" He says. "How've you been? You still with that one guy, the one who sells houses?" "No. Things ended ugly with him..." "Oh, yeah, I can see that. He seemed possessive to me..." Then he walked away.

"I don't get it!" The straight man said to the bi guy. "Why the fuck weren't you happy with women?"  "I was, there's just more there with a man. More of a connection for me, not just in the bedroom, but outside as well."  "It just doesn't make sense to me..." Straight guy was confused. "Men understand men better than women understand men. We get each other. We're simple. We want simple things. Women are complicated." "Yeah, you got me there... That makes sense. But I'm still curious. How's it not complicated in the bedroom?" "Because, like I just said, we understand each other. It's not just a man pleasing a woman, building on her. It's two men building on each other, at the same time, both knowing what the other wants and needs. Seems complicated, but it's really quite simple..."

He'd been told to leave. So he packed up and left. Left his fresh young bride, and her child that he loved and adopted. He was only 21. But she'd told him to leave, and he always did what she told him to do. Once he'd landed back home, to a home he'd left for her, his heart ached. He'd left her, and he regretted it horribly. He wanted desperately to work things out, and go back to the girls he loved so very much. So he tried to reach back out to her, over the phone. He called her relentlessly for days. When he finally got through to her he asked her desperately. "What's going on..?!?" "What do you think?!?" "You don't want me back, do you??" "No I don't!" She hung up. He broke down and cried, like he hadn't cried in his entire life. When he was done, he got up and grabbed the last rose she had given him, now dried out on his bedside table. He rushed outside to get fresh air, and crumpled the dried rose in his p...

"I feel like a loose cannon lately. Like I'm on the verge of losing my mind." He confessed. "Why is that, can you tell me more about it?" "I feel lost and alone in this town. I moved here to be with a man I love, a man I felt safe with. I built my world around him. When I no longer felt safe, I had to end the relationship. This town and all the people in it only remind me of him. All the places I go are all the places we went. I feel like I'm going to see him around every corner, every day. I can't live on the edge of that anymore. I feel like I'm gonna lose it, every day, all day long." "I can understand that, you've told me some of that before, you seem to be stuck in a thought loop, one you need to get out of. From what you've told me before, you've got more here than just him. You've got a job you love, and the people you work with love you. You say that you all laugh all day long and you have fun together. Right? A...

She sat across from me, only a table between us. A Native American woman I had just met, one who had a gift of looking into one's eyes and understanding them very deeply. She looked into my eyes for the longest time, telling me not to look away if I could help it. I felt exposed, raw and vulnerable, nearly bursting into tears. I had had a very tumultuous few months, where I was emotionally out of control, self destructive and dangerous, to myself and others. When she had peered into my eyes for what felt like an eternity, she had so very much to say. "You've been through so much for one so young. Although young, your soul is ancient, and you are eternal. What you're going through, all the pain, is for your ultimate good. You look to others to reflect back to you love. You depend on this love to feel of value, to feel whole. You need to be loved, although you'll rarely find the love you're looking for in this life. Although you'll be loved by many, you'l...

"And when no hope was left inside, on that starry starry night, you took your life as lover's often do... I could have told you, Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you." His father had played a song for him. A song he felt the lyrics could express how he felt better than he could.  His young son's marriage had just ended, and he was lost and depressed and secretly contemplating his own suicide. His father was very discerning, and knew this without having to say a word. He played the song, which opened up his son's heart and mind, and ultimately saved his life. For the time being. His father inherently understood him better than he knew.

"I'm quite done with this world, for it seems quite done with me." Randy told his addiction therapist.  "Well, let me tell you, this world is not done with you! Just because it's not your ideal world and you don't have everything you want doesn't mean that you feel you need to be done. You're here for a reason. Your outlook seems to be somewhat selfish. You've got a life ahead of you. One you can see more realistically once you're sober..."

"Your behavior is obviously a sign of some deep buried trauma. And my job will be to figure out what that is." "I know I've buried a whole lot of shit inside my soul. And I'm not so sure you're the right man for the job..." "Will you let me try?" "Yes, of course. I need to figure out what that shit is, too..."

They'd finally caught up with each other, face to face. "Where have you been all this time?" "I've been hiding from you..." "Why, am I that horrible?!" "No. When I see you I know I'm only facing myself, and I'm not ready to face myself..."

"I never go to the doctor. If there is anything wrong with me, I don't want to know..." He was always careless and reckless when it came to his health, and sooner or later it would catch up with him.

I'm gonna have to floss in the morning. I've got nut hairs in my teeth tonight. Somehow sexy, somehow disgusting. 

"I don't care what anyone says, once you love someone absolutely, that love never dies. I still love all the people I've ever loved. Despite all that they may have done to me and despite all I may have done to them. Love forgives everything. Love always wins. Love is rare. I'm still looking for that kind of love, because that's the only love I understand."

He always kept a mental list, of all the things I did that he didn't like. He'd save that list, then slap me in the face with it when I least expected it.

Ryan had never been to a gay bar before, this was his first experience.  They were in Denver, and his lover was treating him to the experience.  They drank beers, watching the guys mingle and dance. Men dancing in thongs, shaking their sweet ass's. Next came the ass painting contest. One particular ass caught Ryan's interest, he was admiring those sweet cheeks... "Why can't you get an ass like that?" His lover asked, insinuating that somehow his ass wasn't good enough... "I love your ass..." Ryan returned, hurt that his lover would say something like that. Was his ass not good enough?  Nothing was ever good enough for his lover, he found every opportunity to criticize.

"Damn the fucking shit, I didn't get to nut!" He said as he left. "Oh the wells, maybe next time..." Joey couldn't take me. "Don't you worry, I'll be back!"

And there was nothing more for him to do, but to let go.  Let go of the idea of a man he thought he knew. A man he knew he could never be. A man he only wished he could be.

"He paraded his new boy toy through here yesterday, making a spectacle of himself. It was disgusting. They looked ridiculous together. Like a master with his ugly troll..." "Oh really? Well, I'm glad he's moved on." "Yeah, he lost the best thing he's ever gonna have, and it was you, the poor fool." "I'm sorry I missed that, I'm sure it was nauseating..."

Dan the man came back today. He was shy, sweet, tender and trusting. He wanted to try to bottom. He'd never done it before. He was usually just a top. So to break him in he wanted to see what my toys were all about.  So we tried all the toys. Then he wanted me. But he couldn't take all of me. I was too much. "When are your next days off?" He asked as he left. "Cuz I'll be back for more of your toy. I guess I can't call it a toy, more of a weapon..." I laughed. "Yeah! A weapon of destruction!" He couldn't take all of me. Maybe next time...

"Give me my sin again." Brian uttered. "Gladly!" Ryan responded, then sighed. They slowly and tenderly removed each other's clothes. Brian smelled of Santal 33 and curry. Ryan of Noir 29 and coffee. They kissed passionately between articles of clothing. "I need you inside me, it's been too long." Brian begged Ryan. "Absolutely, Brian. But first I need the taste of you on my lips."

He was different.  And he didn't know why. He was distant, distracted and shy. He was just like that other guy. Who was also different, distracted and shy. And they liked each other,  And didn't know why.

"He's pathetic, Ryan. Forget about him. He obviously didn't love you if he said those things and treated you like that."

"You've got soft power. It's subtle but incredibly striking and powerful. And he, all he's got is an ego and a loud voice. He thinks he's got power, but he does not. It's all for show..."

He talked about his father as if he was a monster. He didn't love him at all. He only tolerated him. He always said he couldn't stand talking to him because all he ever wanted to do was talk about himself.  The irony was, he was exactly like his father, because all he ever wanted to do was talk about himself, too.

He asked me where all my money went. I showed him, laid my finances bare. He shamed me. I knew where all his money went.  To shameful addictive habits. Habits that ultimately made me leave the man.

"So what the hell was last night about?! One last fuck for the road?!?" She was irrate. They'd made sweet love the night before, after an intense argument. An argument that could have ended their fresh tender marriage. Somehow she felt that the argument had been resolved by sex. "No. That's not what is was..." He wondered why she felt that way. But that is what it was. It was the last time they would make love. The following day, he lay depressed in bed. She came in and whispered. "Come to the movies with me." All he could say was. "No." He was told to move out shortly thereafter. And he always did what she told him to do.

You broke my ever loving heart. I wish you were dead. It's better than knowing you're still walking around out there. Free to break another heart. But you're dead to me, and always will be.

"There wasn't enough time with you, Ryan. There wasn't enough time with you to do what I wanted to do. And that made me sad."

"You should already know what I want, Randy! You should know me well enough by now to know what I need from you!" Katherine was ferious. Randy knew better. He could read her mind. She had what she wanted, and she had what she needed, in him. Still that wasn't enough. 

Crazy mad man from Texas is here to visit me. Says he's looking for a husband that can take a Texas sized dick every night until the cows come home. He may or may not be a serial killer.  If I'm dead any time soon, you'll know why... Texas Dick did it!!! 🍆 

They had just made sweet afternoon love.  The sheets were still damp, and the sun cast lines on the bedspread through the blinds.  Enjoying the afterglow, Ryan twirled Brian's ginger chest hair between his fingers. His chest was the best place to be after an orgasm, his head laying on his shoulder. "God that was good, Brian. You make me feel so good. Being inside you is one of my favorite places to be." "You make me feel good as well. You're always so attentive and slow, I like that you care enough to please me like you do." "Of course, pleasing you pleases me. If you feel good, I feel good." "But I gotta tell you, sometimes if we go so long, my heinie gets spicy..." Ryan cackled his signature Jevne laugh, hearty and contagious. "What's that mean, a spicy heinie?!?!" "It's that deep intense burning in my ass when you've opened me up, when I'm all yours, gaping. It's the best feeling ever! Trust me, a spi...

Ryan, I just gotta tell you a few things. I've had better mental health days since you came into my life. You make me want to be a better man. You make me want to live again. Making love with you is something I never thought I'd find, something I've needed for a long time. It's ache for days good with you!  You are very precious to me.  🍑 Brian

She sat with me and we talked. We talked about her, We talked about me, We talked about you.  She told me everything I needed to hear, Even if I didn't like it. She seemed to know all about me, Even though we'd just met. And she seemed to know all about you, too. She told me I was better off, That she knew all about you, And that you were only a lesson, A lesson in love I needed to learn.

He was lonely on a Friday night, even though he was surrounded by friends. And he wondered why? Because he'd let the man of his dreams go...

"You have a beautifully tragic story, Mr. Jevne. You must tell it." She said. "But it's horribly ugly, sad and shameless." He said, knowing his own story too well. "Those are the best stories to tell!" So he went on to tell those stories, to himself, with pen and paper.

He stared himself down in the mirror, his eyes were blood shot. He'd been crying horribly for who knows how long... He wanted to escape the pain. The pain he had caused others, the pain that ultimately consumed him. But he could not. He was frozen, staring down the monster that he had become, trapped in the mirror. 

"I'm allowed to feel however I'm feeling, whenever I'm feeling it! I don't need to justify to you why I'm feeling it!" He cried out loud. "I'm just trying to understand you, Randy!" She cried back. "You're an emotional rollercoaster lately. You're up then you're down, I just want to understand why...?!" "I don't even understand why. I just need to feel what I'm feeling. It will pass. Just let me feel how I need to feel right now, please?!?"

Sandra was a familiar and sweet girl, who just happened to have an issue with flatulence, bless her bum! Her personality and attention to the smaller things in her life made up for her gas, and I found her so easy going and natural. A delight to be around. She had found her higher power and the change within her was almost instant. She blossomed from a shy and unsure girl into a beautiful and confident woman inside the first ten days I had known her. She had been abused as a child, which is often the case with so many addicts. In such a way that it was apparent in her body language when I would sit next to her. She'd been seriously harmed by a man. She was strong, despite all else, and she would conquer all that would lie before her.

They were sweating through their shirts, and he loved the smell of it. Sweet summer sweat. They were together, at a wedding, on the deep green grass, drinking endless beers to keep cool. The deep hot summer day cooled into a deeper, warmer summer evening, where they danced together in the twilight. Blissfully and carelessly in love, with the idea that someday they could be dancing at their own wedding.  He stopped dancing for a brief moment, only to kiss his eyes so tenderly sweet. Underneath it all, there was still sweet summer sweat.

"Hey Ryan!" She taunted him from down the hall. "I heard you scream like a girl?!" "Oh yeah?!" Ryan flipped on his heels and prepared for battling words. "Yeah, that's what my mom said, when she scared you...!!" "Well, tell your mom I only scream like a girl in bed, bitch!!!"

The fascination with Ryan had continued to haunt Randy. He was always an option to pursue, if he'd chosen to pursue him. A connection he could make if other options didn't develop. It would require less emotional connection, which was part of the attraction. Running away for a week would be easy enough, but making up for that week would take much longer, of course. Why did Randy feel this uncontrollable urge to see this guy, in person, up close and all too personal? Because he'd never experienced anything like it. Because it involved someone who shared his passion. Because Randy found Ryan attractive from afar. Because Ryan wanted Randy's body in exchange for a pair of his slippers.  Whether or not the trade was fair.

"When you're inside me, you keep finding places I didn't know I had. You make me feel amazing!" He lay there on the sweaty sheets, ultimately satisfied. "Yeah, I got in there deep. You liked that!"  He was more than satisfied as well. "Yes sir, I did!" "Every time, Ryan. Every time with you is so good! Mmm Hmm...!" "Mmm Hmm...!!"

"The hate train comes awfully hard after the gays in this town." "That's a small town for you..."

I remember having met you A million lifetimes ago But you weren't you And I wasn't I  But I remembered you And you remembered I.

Automatically  My mind always goes back to you Back to what's familiar  Where I've been before Back to what's similar Back to where it felt like home Somewhere I can't go anymore. 

"I gotta tell you something..." He had to tell her, only she would understand.  "What's up?" She always wanted to listen to what he had to say. "Last night I had a dream I was having vagina sex...." She laughed out loud. "Fuckin, Ryan!" "I know! I was really into it too! I woke up hard as fuck! Do you know how long it's been since I've had vagina sex??" "You don't have to tell me, you're gay! I thought you only liked dick?" "Well let's just say, that every once in awhile I miss me some V!" They both laughed hard together. She ended by saying. "That's how I know we are on the same level, we can say anything to eachother. I love you Ryan!"

"Yesterday was a dark day for me." He told her. "Why?" She asked. "It would've been two years for Steven and I." He said sadly. "It was a depressing night, I kept playing back memories in my mind, his face, all the things we did together, the good and the bad." "I get you. I've been there before. It gets easier over time. The heart does heal. It'll be ok." She was tender and sweet. "I've loved and lost too many times, it's getting harder for this heart to heal. It's still raw. I miss that man so much..."

Randy couldn't face the next few months thinking of his children without the presence of their father in their lives, even though he knew it was for the best. Their tender ages left them vulnerable to feelings of confusion and abandonment. How were they to understand that absence, and what explanation would they be given while he was away?  Would they adapt and cope and be just fine without him? They would have to, he supposed, and that is what upset him the most. Life would just go on, whether he was there or not.  He was still dealing with issues due to the consistent absence of his father. It angered him that he had put himself in a position to let that happen with he and his children. These issues had fueled his guilt and shame that led to his addiction, which in turn had placed him where he was, in drug rehab. However, he harbored deep blame and resentment for Katherine. She had threatened and pushed Randy past his breaking point. She deliberately threatened him with the ...

He was thrashing around on the bed, in tears. Next to his lover, a man that loved him ever so much. "I don't see how you can love me! I don't feel worthy of the love you're giving me!" "You're a beautiful man. I love you so much." He then snuggled up to him and wiped the tears from his eyes. There was barely light enough in the room, but there in the soft darkness, the love was very much alive, despite his doubts of that love.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have a dick. It's been the source of so many problems in my life..." He confessed to her. "Is it easier having a vagina?" She laughed so hard. "Vaginas are problems, too! Trust me, you're better off with a dick! I wish I had one!" They laughed about that one for the rest of the day...

He was creeping around the campus. This older man who looked all too familiar to me, but I couldn't quite place him. It was a small town, so everyone looked familiar. But this man was a creep, I could feel his nasty vibes from far away. He'd pass by my box office from time to time, leering at me for far too long, making my blood run cold. One day, he entered my office, without an invitation. "You're really quite talented. I come watch you in all your shows. You're really good you know." He was oozing perversion, his eyes were wicked with lust. "Who are you, do I know you??" I asked, frozen with fear and disgust. "No, but I know you. I'm usually in the front row. It must be nice to be so small town famous!" He inched towards me, entirely too close for my comfort. "Please leave my office, right now." I insisted, sick in the pit of my stomach. He slithered out without another word. But he'd pass by every once in a while after...

"What is that horrible smell?!?" He asked, with his nose curled up. "It must be your upper lip!!" He shot back, with an arch of his wicked eyebrow. They both busted up laughing, because that's just what brothers did...

"You've just been having a week seven." He said. "What's that mean, a week seven, I've never heard of that before?" He asked back. "It's a space of time, after an event, that things begin to sink in. Usually after something traumatic happens. In your case, a breakup. You said it was ugly for you, and that it was somewhat traumatic, right?" He asked. "Yeah, it was traumatic. I couldn't live my life without fear of some sort or retaliation. I see what you're saying. Yes! That must be what it is... HA! A week seven!!" He laughed out loud, relieved that he had made it to his week seven. There for awhile he didn't think he'd make it through a week at all. "It's a psychological plateau, so to speak. The mind takes time to accept and process things. It's usually about week seven that you accept things and begin to process them. Does that make sense??" "God this man is brilliant and somewhat sexy!...

I hold out hope for you and I, Whether in this lifetime or another. That somewhere in this world or the next, We'll finally get it right with each other.

"I'll always want you in my life. You'll keep in touch won't you?" I asked him. "Oh, Ryan. I know myself too well. There won't be any keeping in touch. I don't do that. I'm a very immediate person. If you're going to be in my life, you're going to be in my life. There's no keeping in touch. Either you're all in, in my life, or you're all out. I can't do it any other way..." "So I guess it's all out then?" "Yes sir."

I confessed that I loved him, as we lay naked in bed. Me beside him, and him beside me. I immediately regretted that confession, for I knew that I had surrendered a piece of my soul at that moment in time. A piece of my soul I would never get back.

Muffins, as everyone called him, was a young sexy stud, who's drug of choice was air duster, of all things. Perhaps the quickest high, but also a high that did the most damage. He couldn't help being a moron, functioning on so few brain cells. He had little intellect, but still he was somehow appealing. Poor dumb sap wasn't ready for the real world, despite his recent graduation from recovery. His goal for the future included serving an LDS mission, a goal that all those around him knew was impossible, given his total disregard for any and all authority figures. Under all the abuse I am certain there was pain, deep pain that never surfaced, and therefore was never processed. I could identify with him. I felt his pain from across the room, and his desires. He held eye contact with me for entirely too long. He was intriguing.  Poor Southern boy with no tact.

I think I've made the mistake of my life living with him. It's been a nightmare. I need out! Oh my gosh! Is everything ok?? No it's not. He's not talking to me. I'm a mess. I'm not stable. I don't know what to do. If I leave him, I'll lose everything. He holds all the cards. So play your ace, get the fuck out! It's not worth it. Who cares if you lose everything. If you're not happy, you're not happy... You're right, I'm not. It's gonna be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I gotta do it! A nd they craziest thing about it all is that I still love him, despite my being so unstable and unhappy... There's nothing wrong with feeling all that you're feeling, it only means you're human and you have a heart. You can still love him and leave him. I 'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you!!! I love you, too!!!

It was pouring rain, and Randy didn't care about anything anymore. Not his marriage. Not his wife. Not his kids, and not even himself. He was soaking through, shivering, out in the dark of the night, smoking another cigarette, as if it would somehow make him feel better. He'd been awake on and off, between depressive naps that sucked the life from him. The medications that he'd been on only made things worse. There were spaces of time missing, days on end that he couldn't remember. He wasn't living, he was only existing. Truth be told, he didn't want to be living, or existing, not anymore. He threw out a lifeline, knowing she'd come to his aid. He thought of her, inside sleeping without him, for another night. As if she had heard him cry for help in his mind, she appeared out of the dark, soaking with rain, half awake. "Did you call my name just now? I thought you were inside..." Katherine was confused. "I did call for you, yes..." "...

Break an artist's heart & he'll create a masterpiece with the pieces. R.L.J.

They had just finished another small town theater production. They played opposite each other. He was the star, and he was the protagonist. It was a British comedy that took place in the dark. They were neighbors. And the script called for them to play secret gay lovers. They were both quite convincing in their dueling roles. They both mastered the characters, the jokes and the accents. The audiences ate them up! When the show was over and bows had been taken, they were free to go meet their small town public fans. "You two were so good! Why not be gay in real life!?!?" One woman joked. She could've been right... "She just told me that you are the most beautiful man she's ever seen." He told him, after she'd gone. "That's quite a compliment, gosh!" He responded, blushing... "But she's convinced that you're gay, so she wasn't being fresh or anything." He laughed out loud. "I'm so thrilled that I played the part...

Most artists are fragile, tender, trusting, raw and vulnerable. They trust that these qualities will lend themselves to their work. An artist's emotional capacity is evident in their creations. Artists express themselves through creating something that makes others feel things that nothing other than art can. Artists are the life's blood of the universe, for to create art is one of the greatest endeavors one can aspire to. R.L.J.

"My God! I've had some amazing sex in my life, but you sir, you take the cake!" I expressed, after having made love to this sweet, sexy man who tore into my life so incredibly. "Yeah?!" He asked. "Of course! You think I'm kidding? Seriously, Steven, you make me feel like no one ever has before." I remember this moment in time so sweetly. Not because it was the most incredible sex of my life, but because I've never felt that close to anyone in my life. Ever.

"You're all I ever talked about." He said. We cried, reunited over a park picnic table.

"Sire! Sire! Wake up Sire!!" She yelled through the door. She was his new found dear friend, here at Alpine. He awoke with a hearty belly laugh, imagining a medieval lady in waiting scurrying about the doorway, bustling with excitement and anticipation for a grand event. 'Lady.' He would call her in return, for the name she had given him was, 'Sire.' He believed they had met before, long before here, when she was a lady, and he was a sire.

Breaking up with you Was one of the hardest things I've had to do For I thought that I'd be with you Forever and true. But I knew that you weren't The one that I knew I knew that I couldn't Stay true to you. So I let you go then So you'd be happy now I'll always remember When you made me that vow. R.L.J.

I write these lines From the heart of mine To the heart of yours So abrupt and divine. Our invalid love Comes out from disguise And it shows to be clear As I look in your eyes. And it overcomes weak Brings out the strong And races on forever But forever's not that long. And I listen so closely To the words that you speak In love and in passion At the top of loves peak. No secret I share For none that I own And my forever love It's my heart you have sewn. For all that I hear I love you For all that I remember I love you And please always know I LOVE YOU. RR

A fantasy world My mind has become For I think more of you Than I think that of some. Am I alive Or locked in a strength An uncertain feeling A love without length. A distance so traveled A far off land And my heart gets so weak At the touch of your hand. And I'll always be free My fantasy true Forever in love With the only one, you. RR

That first glance It was then that I knew I hoped to be Forever with you. I listened with care At every word that you said And I knew life without you Would be lifeless and dead. The look in your eyes Gave feelings I can't explain And the romance alive Took over my domain. For I want to live My life full, and through And flower my heart to give unto you. So I solemnly vow My love will endure Unto you and your needs Forever, and pure. RR

I was forced to emotionally withdraw from all those that I loved in order to find myself again. In an environment where no one knew me, but were forced to get to know me. They helped me see myself in a new light. The nickname that caught on for me among them was 'Sire.' In process group, everyone was given the opportunity to provide me with positive descriptive words that embodied traits of my personality as they interpreted me. The only guidelines were that they could only use words that began with the letters of my first name. They provided me with some very insightful descriptions. R: Real, royal and receptive. Y: Youthful and yearning. A: Aspiring and alluring. N: Noble and natural. Christian said that I had a presence and that when I was in the room everyone knew it. I found comfort in the words those around me felt I deserved. Especially knowing that they had only met me ten days prior. To know that they picked up on those characteristics was an immense compliment.

Christian was a girl in treatment who was so alive, vibrant and powerful. Actually, a woman. A woman who had been through and lost so much. Her drug of choice was crystal meth.  She had secluded herself away from the outside world, trapped by her own addiction and consumed by her fears that were buried under that addiction. She was raped by her uncle when she was in her early teens. Raped in such a gruesome and savage way, that her predator, in my mind, was nothing but an evil monster.  Evil often preys upon the lights that shine the brightest. And in Christian's case, I am certain it was true. He stole that light from her, viciously. She, however, had found that light again and restored it to full brilliance, for all to see.

Jacob challenged Randy to define God as he understood Him. Randy listed traits he wanted Him to have. "Understanding, compassionate, merciful, just..." He started, knowing that God should be somehow undefinable, because no one really knows exactly what God is all about... Randy couldn't specifically define who God was to him, but that is exactly what Jacob wanted him to do. Jacob wanted Randy to understand. "God is a personal God. He is who you want Him to be. God has been defined a million different ways, in thousands of cultures since the beginning. Who do you want God to be???" "So what you're saying is that my God is my God and He can be whoever I want Him to be!?!" "Yes." Jacob stated simply, as if it were really that simple. "If that's the case, and I'm free to be completely honest with you... My God would be ultimately forgiving, regardless of the level of sins I have committed, no matter how severe. And He would forgi...

Had there been any real progress since he had come? None that he could see. But perhaps those around him could see glimmers of a new man, one that he was before becoming a selfish addict. One that he was years ago when he was sober, one that he was before drugs had entered back into his life and almost taken it. A man that he had forgotten about, a man he no longer knew. He liked to tell himself that thirty days would be enough, but truly he was half way through that period already, and the progress he'd made so far didn't feel so productive. He'd already addressed the core issues that he had or had not been dealing with for years. His sexuality and his core beliefs. God and sexual identity, two issues that had never been brought up through all the years, avoided and buried with one drug after another, for over ten years. Avoidance breeds ignorance, and ignorance breeds denial, and denial breeds addiction.

I saw you today, You looked down at my shoes. I wanted to run to you, I ran away instead.  My shoes that are too good for me, And me, I am too good for you. 

She was my self proclaimed number one fan, a sweet old lady that found me one day in the grocery store. "I knew you were special the day I saw you." She said. We talked sincerely, she kissed me tenderly and we hugged. Like we had found each other after lifetimes. Months later she came to me again.  "You know, I have to tell you something. You should be happy you aren't with that man anymore." "Why do you say that?" I ask. "Because, he's not a good man. You deserve better than that. He's an egotistical butthole. I saw him at that movie preview..." "He's not all that bad, he's actually got many good qualities." "I don't think so. He thinks he's all that, like the cat's meow. Would you buy a house from him? I wouldn't." "He's got to make a living. People have to buy houses. And he's good at it." "Well, you're too good for him. You've got so much more to offer. You...

"You know, your father had feelings about him from the beginning. He didn't feel he was good for you at all. He felt he would eventually hurt you. He didn't trust him." His mother told him. "Why didn't he ever say anything to me about that?!" He asked, very upset by the idea that his own father never said a word to him about the man that he loved, the man that ultimately broke his tender heart. "Perhaps he didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't listen, or accept the reality of what he saw in him..." She explained.  Perhaps it was better that he had learned that for himself.

There is a void inside of me, A place that can't be taken, A hollow in my empty soul, Where unheard thoughts are spoken, No future to hold them, Thoughts and words I should have said, Trapped in my mind forever, I can't express them when they are dead. R.L.J.

Steven and Ryan are nice! :) Clara

"How has the economy not collapsed already?" Ryan asked, in the midst of the pandemic that had gripped the nation. "Because it isn't real, Ryan. The economy doesn't exist, it's all propped up, it's an illusion." Brian explained.  Brian always was a genius. One of the many reasons Ryan loved him so much. 

Forget about Adam, he wasn't what he appeared to be. He was an attention whore of monumental proportions. He seemed to attract people to him everywhere he went. He was likable and attractive, but only because he portrayed to everyone around him something other than who he really was. And they all seemed to be under a spell or charm, one that wasn't real and wouldn't last long. Randy envied Adam's quick taking to other people, and his ability to make friends out of nearly everyone, except himself. Randy wanted a connection with Adam, but he knew it wouldn't be healthy or productive. Adam was a fake, a loud and proud showman who shouted about and threw fists just for attention, positive or negative. He wasn't worth the time or the energy, even if Randy found him terribly sexy and alluring.

Randy would often be on the edge of sleep, or just waking up, when he would realize he wasn't home, where he felt he needed to be, where it was familiar, peaceful and comfortable. The last two and a half weeks felt like an entire lifetime, and the life he knew before felt like someone else's life. A life he only had distant memories of. He had no other choice but to emotionally disconnect from that place, for now, in order to hold onto the sanity he had left. He couldn't think of what may be going on there, or he couldn't live in the moments of the here and now. He could choose to stay and make the most of this opportunity or choose to think of home. His progress had been slow, his heart wasn't completely in this, and he feared his heart would never be ready to fully commit to the entire idea of recovery. His heart was torn between two places and spaces. He was divided and his soul couldn't fully operate, no matter where he was. The only thing that kept him goin...

He wanted to call me dude, man, bro, bud. Then he wanted me in bed. Don't bud, bro, man dude talk me, then expect me to be your stud in bed!

First there was Josh, he was cocky and self absorbed, but sexy as hell. Young and virile, but not a boy to be messed with, because he would get even. Next there was Carlos, closeted and careless, then demeaning and threatening. Alan was number three, artistic and carefree, just wanted me for me. He helped me find and accept myself. Another Josh came along and taught me how it felt to be loved by a man, in bed and out.  Derek. A man just like me. Mormon, married and depressed, until we got undressed. Brad. Just a midnight fantastic fuck... Joel, the older man who adored me, but couldn't commit, because he had too many scattered commitments and emotions. Along came Brian, the man love of my life, sweet, tender, sexy but emotionally inept and unwilling to deal with me. Isaac was sweet in the sheets, young and trusting and naked for hours. Robert, rushed in wanting a daddy type for a husband, only to rush out again without trying to understand me. Sliding in eleventh, Slade, a young bu...

A void of an obsession always made me anxious and nervous. As if I were, or weren't expecting an old friend who had always been in thought, but never in presence. A fixation of some sort or another had always been there for me, imagined, invented or otherwise. I always needed something to obsess over, to the point where it would ultimately possess me. Objects, movies, books, toys, ideas, thoughts, projects, people... there was always something to fixate and obsess over. Later it would be labeled Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a supposed mental illness. To me it seemed like an extension of my natural personality. Also complicating things as I grew, was my addictive personality, which later became drug abuse. I was an addictive, obsessive, compulsive individual. Quite a label, bound to get me into mischief in my life... When puberty struck late, my fixation and obsession became the all too consuming activity of masturbation, or 'jerking off' as the boys in the locker room cal...

"I am safe. Home. I am enough."  Randy thought to himself in order to calm the anxiety that was building. An affirmation he had learned to repeat in his mind when he felt out of control in a new environment, in drug rehab. Yet there was no relief, no belief in the words or thoughts. They held no power if there was no belief. He didn't feel safe, even after three weeks. He was nowhere near feeling safe, home or enough. And he couldn't imagine himself feeling that way anytime soon.  He felt like a failure again, like he'd wasted his father's hard earned money because he was insecure, self conscience and selfish. Underneath it all, still an addict. He couldn't reach out to anyone. He was in the crowd, but not of the crowd. He felt so alone, even in the midst of people who seemed to genuinely care. They were there now, reaching out to try to help him.  "So why get attached, why care, why reach out, why trust?? Someday they wouldn't be there anymore......

"I've been thinking that maybe things just aren't working anymore. We've both done all we can to make it work. We're dragging things out. You said you need a man in your life. I'm alright with you going to find that. I was angry at first, but now I accept that. So, go, find that man... We've wasted too much time. We need to separate." He knew she was right. It wasn't fair to either of them to pretend there was anything left between them worth saving. The friendship would always be there. But as far as passion and sex, those days were gone. There would be no more of that, and there hadn't been for a long time. So they set each other free. He was free to go find a man. And she was free to go find one, too. In time, they both found their men.

The sun and the moon met today. I hoped we would, too. So we could start all over again...

"He comes through here Ryan. I can tell he's looking for you. I'm sure he still loves you, I can see that on his face. Did you break things off with him...?"  She could read people really well, and she understood me. We could talk about anything.  "Yes I did. It's hard for me to see him, I know that he's got to come through here sometimes. I still care for him so much. There's too much that's been said and done to go back now. It has to be over." "So you still love him?" "Of course I do. I always will, that won't ever change. That's the hardest part." "You're an amazing man Ryan, I can see why he loves you so much."

Josh was a realistic man. He was all business, no nonsense. He was looking for a partner, and he thought that was Ryan. They met on Grindr, the only place in Wyoming a gay man could hope to meet another gay man. "You realize that most men of this app aren't looking for a relationship. It's all about sex..." Ryan had just come out, at 36, and hoped that Josh may be the one that could mean something. Josh lived in Rock Springs but was willing to travel to find out what Ryan was all about. Josh came into town late. Ryan opened the door to let him in. It was immediate chemistry, the clothes were quickly removed and they tore into bed, ferocious and naked, rolling around, exploring each other madly. "I've always wanted to be with a man with long hair." Josh whispered, running his hands through Ryan's long brown locks. Ryan entered Josh, slowly and sweetly. Josh threw his head back and let out a moan of pleasure. After a few dozen intense, deep thrusts, Jo...