gayNwyo

"The attention whores often caught themselves rapture. For they found themselves played more often than not..."

"The rotten owls would often waste themselves away, waiting to wait for another day, one where they could and would often waste themselves away..."

"However faint he'd call out into the night, the night would never answer back..."

"He was a selfish and sloppy lover. He'd spend his time rolling on top of me, satisfying his needs, only to leave me so wanting. And yet he'd ask me afterwards, 'Did you like it?' No of course I did not, you sloppy selfish pig..."

"I'll never get caught in an elevator again without thinking of you..."

"We stop fighting the devil after midnight, Ryan..." "That's when the devil has all the power..." "And that's when we stop, because we know we cannot win..."

"Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost..."

She couldn't look into their bright angelic faces without seeing the man she once loved. The father to her children, the man she had chosen to leave behind. So she could go searching for a replacement. Another eternal companion, one she'd one day find just as unsatisfactory. 

"Tell me what to do, please?! I don't need much. She wants too much from me. I'm doing all I can, yet she still wants more from me. How can I possibly win against a woman that is so relentless??" "Don't you see Ryan? The person who needs the least has the most power in any negotiation. In relationships, in business, in life. Reduce your dependencies. Build options. The freedom to walk away is the ultimate leverage..." "I've already walked away..." "Then you have all the power..."

He believed in the idea of together forever.  And then he began to live his life,  Then he realized, That nothing was ever, Together forever.  For everything was all together, Forever lost. R.L.J.

"I want deviled eggs! It was the one thing they didn't have yesterday!" "Rachel said the same thing. She is going to make a dozen. I'll try and snatch a couple for you. She's very possessive over her eggs..." "I understand. It's probably the last thing I need right now. I'm glad I didn't stay the night. I was married to the toilet all night, saying, 'fuck off Thanksgiving!' I knew I shouldn't have eaten the turkey..."

The first snow of winter fell gently outside his window, catching the light from the moonlight above. As he settled down into his warm nest of a bed, he knew he was a lucky man, just to be warm, alive, loved and adored. And with that, he drifted off to sleep.

 He poured out his heart, Upon paper, ink, And sometimes blood. He knew that the people in his life couldn't hear the words he had to speak, and so he put them down upon paper, with ink he wished were his blood.  For maybe then they would see how much the words he wished to speak would play upon their hearts. 

"He had a whole bunch of love just bleeding from every part of him. So much so that most people couldn't take that much love. And I think that's why he was too much for most people. They just weren't ready for all that love. And that's just too bad, because his love was the best kind. It was naked, natural, pure and forgiving. Most poor souls can't handle that kind of love..." 

I drove by your house this evening. It was lit up with dim porch lights, both front and back. But you were not home. I could tell. There were no lights from within.  It was a home where you once brought me, where I felt alive and lived within. Then you shut me out, where you once played home and loved me within.

"You're a beautifully fucked up man, Ryan. And I don't know quite how to take you..." "I know. Being fucked up and beautiful is a catch twenty-two. You've got to take all of me if you want me, the beautiful, the fucked up and the catch twenty-two..."

"And the time came when he had to call all his power back. And so he did. And it came..."

 "Let these bruises upon your body serve as a testament that the ladies in your life have left their mark. Now I have set them free, and so should you..."

"You're a glimmer of light in this dark world, Ryan. Let your light shine bright..."

"Oh my goodness! It's Christmas at Tommy's house! Everything looks so beautiful!!" "It's all because I have someone in my life that makes me want to celebrate my life and share my love with him. I love you Ryan..."

Good morning, You are loved by a guy who thought he would never find love again. I am so lucky you are in my life. Be sure to tell yourself that you matter.  I love you, Tommy

"You've too many bad habits, too many delights, too many demons, my boy. It's my intention to cut all these things out of your life. You'll have to surrender and let me do this..." "Be ever so careful if you please. If you cut off all my demons my angels might die, too, boy..."

 Good morning My Dearest Joy, I love the idea of joining the ladies for Wicked! I've been waiting all year for the finale! However, His Royal Highness has prior obligations with an older man who promises to spoil him this weekend in other lands.  I do know I'll be missing out on a grand time. Please call upon my presence once upon another time... Warmest Regards & Love, King Maximillian  AKA ~ Sir Ryan Luke

 He wove a web of love and lies, He played and laid them gently down. There to be lost and found, For only him. R.L.J.

"Silly boy, silly man, silly fool. Can't you see that you materialized your reality. Every step of the way, every move you made, every chapter of your story, every one you ever met. Every happy beginning and every sad ending. They all were there because you wished them there. They were thoughts before imaginary, imagination before reality. For you see, silly you, they were all there before you, all you inside you, all there from beginning to end. All you, all them, all they and all you. What a happy hell of a silly story you made, silly boy..."

"Hey Dad. Mom says you are Santa this year..." "Really? I'm Santa? Hmm. I wonder what that means? Is that what she she told you?" "Yes..." "Well, if I know your Mom, it means I'm getting all the expensive elaborate gifts this year, the mysterious ones with 'From Santa' written on them. Mom's way of trying to power play the holidays in her usual micro managing Mormon fashion, I suppose..."

"I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have a delicious ass, mister..." "Well, thank you! And you have a delightfully talented tongue...!"

"Ryan, you remind me of one of those classic men, like the kind you see in the black and white old movies. You hold yourself so well and speak with class. You seem like an old soul, someone who has lived in another space and time..."

I zipped myself into the sauna, to bake for fifteen to twenty minutes, just hot enough that beads of sweat broke out and ran down between my thin chest hairs and onto my thighs. I tilted my neck and head back, staring into the red hot lights. Time moved differently inside a hot box when one is left naked, moist and motionless.  She had touched me a few long days before, after I had confessed that I was in pain. A strange pain in my shoulder, neck and back. Somewhere between the left shoulder blade and my heart. Intuitive as she was, she knew just where to press after she instructed me to lift my left arm. I lay down on the massage table for fascia release. Little did I know then that there was a whole lot of past hell trauma to be released.  She placed her hands first delicately upon my skin, and then roughly so. Then she brought out her tough tools. "Tell me about yourself..." And so I did. I spoke about my past, long buried. My present, persistent and prolonged. Loves, both...

  So... How are things with you? Hello you two!! Well, I saw this card and for some off reason I thought it screamed out Katie, Ryan and Sandi... Well, I cannot wait to see you guys, I hope you can work me into your busy schedule... So you two can meet Ryder. He is getting big... He smiles and giggles at everything now. He looks just like me when I was his age, poor guy! But I hope this finds you two good. I hope all your work is great... So I better go now, but I just wanted to say hello and that I love you two and miss you like crazy! Love, Sandi

Dear Ryan! Happy 29! Holey crap you are getting old. Then there is me, young, fresh at 24. Grr... Hot is me. Well I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday and that I love and miss you. Katie and I hope you have a great Birthday! I love you and miss you! Love Sandi Ahh... It's RyRy 

  Ryan, I had to get a suplise for you. Hope you like it. Love Sandi 

"She'd talk me to sleep most nights, her voice going on and on about this and about that..." "I talked you to sleep again last night."  She'd say in the morning light, as if I'd forgotten about the night before. Which of course I had. "Yes, I know dear, you did it again..." "And do you remember a word I said...?!" "Of course not dear, I was on the edge of sleep..." "Then why do I bother talking to you...?" "Talk to me when I'm awake dear, and not half asleep..."

"I was a sensitive boy, always highly aware of my surroundings. I was wired to think about so many things all at once. This made each of my thoughts difficult to isolate. I was tender and I memorized facial expressions and tried to make sense of all gestures and mannerisms. I constantly looked for clues as to how anyone else was feeling and I would rush to make sure others felt comfortable. This is where I would often second guess everything I was doing and wonder if I was making things worse. I would look in their eyes and feel either panic or warmth. I'd listen to everything at once, losing any portion of reason. I'd miss all the truth and beauty because I looked too closely. I was a sensitive boy and loved too deeply and hurt too deeply. My dilemma was this, I was both fire and water, warm and wet, hot and cold, all the time..."

I woke to the cool sensation of cold liquid in my left arm veins. I found myself in a hospital bed, not knowing how I had landed there.  "What has happened?" I faintly asked to an empty room. I noticed an IV bag suspended above my bed, dripping life into a body I barely recognized as my own. My head spun with fragmented memories as I surrendered to another spiraling headache and then unconsciousness. I awoke to her words. "You don't remember anything, Ryan? You were lucid, awake and talking to me. You told me so much, I didn't know whether to believe any of it or not. What really happened, Ryan?! I need you to tell me, or I can't do anything to help you..."

 He couldn't see beyond the end of his slender pointed nose most days. What was behind it mattered more than anything else. His maniacally, mechanical brain buzzed and whirled with thoughts of only himself and what pleased him. The thought of ever stepping outside his own skin to view life through the lense of someone else's perspective made his skin crawl.  Whenever someone made him feel any ounce of empathy for what they may be going through, he'd check out mentally and emotionally and distance his heart and mind with fantasies of other sorts. Anything to keep his selfish, delicately deranged psyche from the fragile tipping point of internal chaos.

 He looked in the mirror at his eyebrows.  It took him back in time where once his thighs had danced against his beloved's buttocks.  Strange remembrance.

 "Nah Kah Ee Ah Oh Eh..." "Nah Kah Ee Ah Oh Eh..." "Nah Kah Ee Ah Oh Eh..." He whispered three times into the darkness. It was his will to understand God.

"Brandon's new playlist of songs are like the top one hundred most retarded songs ever. It makes me want to suck start a shotgun..."

"Ryan, don't you want another baby? I could give you one you know. Just give me some of your baby gravy and I'll make us one. It would be so adorable with my Disney eyes and your luscious lips. You know we'd make beautiful babies!" "No thank you, no! My days of servicing the ladies are over. Besides I couldn't take care of another kid, I can barely take care of the one's I already have..."

"Hey Ryan. I had the horrible experience of witnessing your insufferable ex boyfriend at the event in the museum the other night. He was there making an idiotic display of himself with a man that isn't half the man you were to him. It was a sad spectacle, however he worked the room, it seemed he was looking everywhere for you..."

"I almost died today, Mother. My life flashed before my eyes. I realized then that I haven't fully lived yet, and I have no idea how I truly feel about anything..." "Very few people realize what they truly feel until they are at least forty. Ryan, you do understand that death is not the important thing...?" "What is then..?" "Whether you were truly loved or not. That's what people think about at the end of their lives. Nothing else matters in this life. Truly being loved is all that life is ever about, especially at the end of it..."

"Whenever I made him laugh and he'd unexpectedly pass the gas, he'd chuckle and exclaim, 'you've got me clapping like a Tennessee Walker Stud...!' "

He knelt down to pray with simple words. "I'm in need of simple things, and you know what they are. I trust that you will grant them to me..." Then he arose and trusted in faith that his prayer would be granted.

"Oh my dear Ryan, I've just got to tell you. You were right, he was at the Quick Draw. You were right not to go, you said you knew he'd be there and he was..." "Of course he was..." "He put his arm around me and said, 'Linda, Linda, Linda, you see that blue vase over there? I made it. You should bid on it. I made one for me, one for my lover and I think you need one, too...' And I said, 'no, I don't care for blue pottery...' " "Cute. He makes pottery now, how nice for him." "He was with his new lover, partner boy thing. I felt so sorry for him, 'go get us some wine!' He was bossing him around like a slave. It was sad. You were right to leave that selfish uppity pig of a man. He's even more disgusting than I remembered him..."

"This year for Christmas I want to get you something you really need. So I thought I'd get you a special deluxe, all natural mattress with all the best ratings..." "Oh my, really?! That would be more than wonderful!!" "I knew you'd love it!" "And the best part will be breaking it in with you, if you know what I mean...?!?" "Hmmm, like breaking in a horse...??" "Maybe... I've never broke in a horse before. But we'll see how it goes..."

"What's the word on the street?" "Power outages all over the state. They say it's the solar storms..." "Oh, phsss, that's nonsense...!" "But don't you worry, sir, we've still got cold alcoholic beverages just for you...!" "Thanks! Smart ass..." "That will be one dollar and eighty eight cents today. Would you like to round that up to two dollars and donate to our local food bank this afternoon??" "Naw, what the hell man? Why you always gotta tell me how much it costs like I don't already fucking know...?!" "Geez, what the hell man, why you gotta be such an ass about it? Would twelve cents really kill you this time of year to help feed people who need it? You said you're going to be a millionaire next year anyhow, right...?!?!" "Shut the fuck up Ryan, and wipe that shit eating grin off your face...!!"

"And God knew that you couldn't continue in a time and space that he was, so He placed him in another space and time, far away from you. One where He knew he could not touch you..."

 Rita, Yet again, another letter I'll never send to you. But I need to bleed my heart onto paper again. So here I go... My heart can’t hate you, yet wish it could. I want you far from me, but I’d kill to have you so near that nothing could ever come between us again. This was love in its purest form, and you couldn’t take the heat. You left me here, bleeding over the ashes, clawing my way back to you, trying to save us both. Silly me. I didn’t see you’d already jumped into the first car that stopped, already warm again, far away from me. I know your heart better than you know how to hold it. And you’ll break it again, but my heart won’t forget. I'll heal. I'll move on. I'll love again. But never quite like I did with you... Ryan Luke

 "So, you didn't make it? It's probably just as well. I saw your Ex and his partner there. It was the strangest thing... Muffie's husband John complimented him on his performance in Cinderella. He mistook Steven for you. And Steven said, "I think you're thinking of my Ex...' And I think John was drinking too much..." "You think...!?!"

"He was a mistake, Ryan. Everyone makes mistakes..." "He was not a mistake. He was the parts of me that I didn’t have the balls to touch..."

"I ran into him at Wal-Mart. I hadn't seen him in years. He left me in limbo six years before. I walked right up to him, inches from his face. And I hissed into his frozen form, 'I would have loved you for the rest of my life you asshole...!' "

He wanted to fill his house up with love, light and laughter, but he often found it empty. So he filled it with things, placing things in places, filling spaces with paces and more empty things. He wished his space to be less empty, and so he filled it with light and love and things, knowing one day his space would be overflowing with love and light and people he had loved and lost, and found again.

Dear Victoria, Maybe, I will never be completely healed. I will never truly set you free. My heart will continue to cry, and my soul will never rest, and I will never, not be without you. Maybe, there is no walking away from that, and there is nothing capable of coming close, but maybe nothing is meant to. Maybe I can allow someone else to captivate my soul without comparing it to you. Maybe I can allow someone to matter deeply without replacing you. Maybe I don't need to be completely healed to build a life that doesn't exist without the loss because you will always exist in every version of who I become. Ryan Luke

"You didn't ask to help me all day. I was waiting for you to ask to help me. Why didn't you ask to help me? I was waiting for you to ask me, all day..." "I know. I wanted to help you. But I knew you needed to put on your big boy panties and do it yourself..." "Well, I didn't put my big boy panties on this morning..."

"I can't stand working with that girl. She smells so bad. She smells like stale cigarette smoke, dryer sheets and something underneath it all. I wanna say she's got some kind of disease. Like maybe she's rotting from the inside out. I'll bet she's got a nasty twat fungus or something..."

"My first ex wife and I were together for seven years, married for two. High school sweethearts and all that. She never once passed gas in my presence. She used to say, 'a lady burps to herself and farts in the toilet.' My goodness, she must have held so much in while we were together. I wonder who ever taught her that...?"

"As a child I was fascinated by magic, Doctor Dorothy. I believed it was real and I wanted to be involved in real magic. I suppose I had an overactive imagination and I wanted to use the magic to make my life more like the movies. Silly, I know. But then I grew up and reality sank in, and so did the fear that comes with the real world. Then magic seemed to disappear and I stopped believing. Then love stepped in and that love seemed to restore the magic back into my life. Then when the love turned sour, the fear sank in again and the magic left again. It's strange how love, fear and magic all seem to mix up mischief in my life." "I understand Ryan. As children we were fascinated by magic, as adults we fear love. At what point did we forget that fear, love and magic are the same things...?"

"I wish he would quit playing with that annoying tool at work..." "Well, it seems it must remind you of what an annoying tool you are at work..."

It was four o'clock and he had just finished another miserable day in the bank fraud department. Lackadaisical and loathing in nature, he knew he must soon return home to his second best, second rate never to be fully committed to Joe. So he picked up his handheld device and dropped in once again upon a blog he loved to love and loved to hate at the same time. A place where the man he once loved blogged about it all, the good, the bad, the ugly and the nothings that mattered to no one else but Ryan. There he found letters and poems, grocery store farce and cleverly invented dialogue, with a dash of diatribe drama that he found sweetly sick and amusing. He only wished to find traces of himself there, where none should truly remain, and yet he did. And with that, he found hope that Ryan still held thoughts of him, which of course he still undoubtedly did.

 He stared up at the full silver moon, Wondering if he would see him soon. Then he knew he would not, And that he was not where he thought. Not where he thought he'd be, No, not at all. Silly full silver moon, He was deceived once again. By the light of the silvery moonlight. R.L.J.

Putting the pieces together he found, That he would never be found. Until he found all the pieces he'd found, From all those he found around, Around him. Then he put them together, And found,  They were all pieces of him. R.L.J.

 Please try to make a Christmas visit happen. Valerie just started crying because she was so afraid to tell you she wanted to spend time with you for Christmas. She said she didn’t want you to stop talking to her if she said that. I don’t think you realize how aware they are of the effort you put in to seeing them. Your sisters are trying to make something happen for Thanksgiving, but the kids see that your mom and sisters are the only ones wanting to make plans to see them. Not to mention they only have a few days at Thanksgiving. Christmas would give more time. You guys can always do both, I always try to work with people to make visits happen when people want them.  A Christmas visit will happen. I can't deal with Valerie's emotions because I'm not there. I'm only willing to do so much, but it will never be enough for you. I will not be making any trips to get them, you'll need to work that out for yourself. And I will not be communicating with you again, my att...

 And you say that it’s “never enough” for me. All I ask of you is what the law put in our divorce decree. You are supposed to pay for their insurance, you are supposed to pay half of the medical and dental bills, you are supposed to provide half the transportation for visits, and you were supposed to split the holidays. The only thing that you have been doing, is the child support that is garnished because you stopped paying it until they took away your drivers license and the state ordered you to come to court.  I do everything for our kids. I drive them where they need to go. I pay the bills that need to be paid. I talk to them. I reach out to them. I listen when they need to cry. I hug them. I ask about school and friends. I teach them about life and all the life lessons. I support them in their games and their theater. I help them with their homework. I take them to their doctors appointments. I sign them up for and pay for all their extracurriculars.  And all I ask o...

"I just woke up from the hardest afternoon nap and now I have no idea what year it is..." "Oh my, it's the year of Ryan and Tom. Two men looking for their heart partner. Someone who knows you from within. Mind and soul. Happiness and sadness. How lucky they must be to realize that age has no meaning, it's endless and each day is precious..."

I'm home. And humbled. This afternoon was sweet with you. I find myself loving you deeper. 💋 💋 💋  Glad you are home. Glad you are in my life. Glad that your heart is my heart. Glad to call you my love. ❤️❤️❤️

 My dear sweet Ryan, From the moment you were born, a path had been laid for you that would create a wealth of experience and nurture what's good and true. On this winding path, unique to you, many encounters would be made. Some would join and walk awhile, although few, ever really stayed. Through each life that touched on ours, we learned lessons, good and bad. Sharing laughter, facing storms, finding light in both the happy and sad. And as we progress further along the path we have come to realise each day, that there really were no mistakes as such, each lesson a blessing, sent our way. So we eventually understand this path is really just a test, and with every obstacle and challenge we are learning to live at our best. So cherish every encounter, embrace the friends that come and go. For on this beautiful journey, it's love that helps us grow. The Universe 

He thought he'd met the man of his dreams, A man who'd make his dreams come true, As he danced with his toes wet, In the sweet summer grass. But alas, The man of his dreams was a liar, There to prove that dreams, Dreams don't come true. Dreams only come true, If you're true, True to you. R.L.J.

"It's silly, but going through what you went through made me feel like I was going to lose you. I didn't like that feeling. It makes me appreciate the time we do have." "I feel the same, sweet man. You have gotten into my soul. I love you so very deeply..."

"The damage is already done, my dearest. There is no undoing it now or ever. Some hearts that are broken cannot be mended, and some words and deeds said and done likewise cannot be undone. Damage done, never to be undone..."

"Hell of a place this is, Earth. Some of us live like kings on five dollars every day. And some of us act like poor starving children with pockets loaded with cash. If you ask me, we're all a bunch of ungrateful pigs living in splendor but acting as if we're in the gutter..." “I suppose it's all in how you look at your life. All in individual perception. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars..."

 Jan 12 03 Dear Ryan, Hello hun, what have you been up 2? Nothing much here. I just miss everyone one except you. J/K. I think you're the one I think about the most. You know, all the fun me and you had together. Like sitting in JB's, just me and you for six hours... Killing a crow and squirrel in my car. Going to Black Bridge and almost getting killed by Squaw Snatch. Then I needed to talk to you and we went and got ten dollars and us a big jug of our favorite vodka drink. We had it in the car drinking it away and I asked you what you were doing, and you said, "I'm trying to convince my mouth that my stomach wants it..." And the day you spiked my coffee in JB's, that was the day you killed the crow in my car... I miss singing stupid songs. "I wish I had a... I wish I had a... Oh coffee how I love you!!" Then having our 'fun' with Dana, the time we cleaned Amy's place with me saying "help!" all the time. Then on your birthday we...

 Joe & RyRy Hey, there is some kittie food in the reach in. Well, chicken and milk. Could you please put it out for me?! Thank you! ❤️ Sandi P.S. Please give me a wake up call!

"Well hello Frank. It's been awhile since I've seen you..." "Yeah, I've been in Miles City, miles from here, it was a long trip. I'm in need of a night cap, if you know what I mean...?" "You must mean some of the usual, Black Velvet, Frank...??" "Yes, Ryan. Some Black Velvet, if you please...?" "Of course..."

"She says I'm not doing enough, that I'm not enough, that I'm not being the best father I can be, and that she needs more money from me. And the only way I can see her getting more of anything from me is if I die. Funny thing is, if I should die, she'd bury me, then she'd get all the money she'd ever need. Silly selfish girl..."

"I hid her Spicy Hamburger Helper boxes from her as she was planning to leave from work tonight. Then she called me a fucking faggot as she walked out the door..."

  Dear, Dad you are the best dad ever. I am always so happy to see you. I hope you like the picture that I drew and I hope you are having a great fathers day. I could never find a dad better then you. I love you sooooo much Love, Valerie 

 Dear Dad, Happy Fathers Day! I hope you know that I love you so much! You are the best Dad ever and you are always there for me no matter how far apart we are. You have really helped me learn things and helped me become who I am today. I hope you have a great Fathers Day, and I love you so much.  ~ Noah Jevne

I told him I felt like something amazing was about to happen. Something big. Something life changing, something extraordinary.  "I love that feeling...!" He said back. That something amazingly big and extraordinarily life changing was the break up he was about to give me. Although devastatingly heart breaking as it seemed, it was big, life changing and extraordinary.  Just what I needed to propel me into the next great heartbreaking chapter of my life.

 "We better watch what we say, we may end up in his blog..." "Oh yeah, you read my blog??" "Yeah, sometimes I do..." "Really? Well, I had to stop for awhile. Someone out there was reading them over and over again..." "Was it your ex??" "How did you know...??" "Just a guess. Maybe don't be drama..." "What's the fun in that?! What people say in the grocery store is so juicy, how can I not blog about that?!?!"

"This day has been absolute chaos, Doctor Dorothy. It's been so ridiculously random and it seems as if everything and everyone is against me. Everything I do seems like a mistake, nothing has a purpose. I feel lost in the chaos. How am I supposed to feel good about anything...??" "Oh, Ryan, nothing is random, there are no mistakes and under all the chaos there is order. The universe is built this way. Have you heard of the No Coincidence Theory??" "No, I have not. Please tell me about it..." "It states that nothing is random. Not the pain you feel. Not the people you meet. Not the places you end up. The universe doesn't make mistakes, it moves you, breaks you, and builds you with purpose. Heartbreak shapes you. Change forces you to grow. Delays slow you down for a reason. You aren't lost. You are being placed. There are no coincidences, only alignment disguised as chaos. Everything happens for a reason, absolutely everything..."