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"Ryan, what is your secret weapon? How do you deal with so many people all the time? People love you so much, even when they seem to hold so much hate..." "Well, my tried and true way to deal with most people is to feel them out, charm them and then disarm them with my silly and sick sense of humor. You see, if you can make someone laugh you've already won half the battle..."

"I'm taking too many chances lately, Doctor Dorothy. I'm taking more risks, too. I'm really putting myself out there, with people and in situations. I'm not the person I used to be. Someone who knew me a year ago wouldn't know me anymore. It feels dangerous, but powerful at the same time..." "Well, I think that's brave, Ryan. One day, you won't be here. Neither will you doubts, your worries, or the people you tried to impress. That shouldn't be depressing. It should be liberating. Go ahead and take the risk and say what you really feel. Do the things you keep putting off, because the real fear isn't failure. It's lying on your deathbed, surrounded by the ghosts of chances you never took..."

Tender Tommy talked with me about so many things, and I simply adored the sound of his voice. It was deep and endearing, soft yet strong, soothing and absolutely sexy. He could talk for hours and I'd never tire of it, I found comfort and prowess in his voice.  He told me once about his younger days when he'd stretch out bare naked upon the back of a horse, looking up into the star lit night sky, finding pleasure in his palm in the dark pasture.

"Damn it Ryan, everyone I meet today is pissing me off, irritating the hell out of me, why is this happening to me...??" "Can't you see, silly girl, everyone you meet is you, in a different body, teaching you about yourself..."

Ryan and Joe, Hey you two, just had to ask you something... 'What the hell do you think I am, tall?!?!' I'm not a monkey, or Heidi. Ha Ha, that's not funny! ❤️ you guys  Sandi 

Dear Ryan, I hope you have a fun night. I know it's gonna be hard, but you can do it, I swear. I will see you in the AM @ 5. I swear Joe ain't mean. He is a really good worker, so I know you will be trained good. So I guess I will see you. Heart + U B•F•F• ❤️ ~ Margret P.S. Just ask Joe what you can eat!

RyRy, I came to see you. You must not be awake. The cockles of my heart are frozen over. I have to go see an apartment at 3. If you wake up before then, come see me. ❤️ Sandi

  Joe Joe and RyRy Hey, when you feed the kittie the food, pour the cat food over the meat. Look on the counter, you see it? Well, thank you guys, have a good night!! Love,    Sandi Call me!! Can you put my roast in @ 200° at 3am Drop a rack thank you

 RyRy & Joe Joe Hey you two!! Well I hope you guys have a great night. But, hey, there are two bowls in the reach in, one milk and one chicken. Could you please put it out for the kittie? Just so it can have something to eat, if you can, just put it out when you get here. Thank you so much!  ❤️ you both Thanks for everything you do in the kitchen, you two are the best!! ❤️ Sandi Cheeks

"Don't you love me?" Allen asked. "No, I don't love you!" Replied the wicked hearted Ryan. Allen frowned and clasped his hands together as he did whenever he felt hurt. "See?" Replied the wicked hearted Ryan again. "Now you're going to start asking yourself what makes you so imperfect and what did you do wrong so that I can't love you at least a little. You know, that's why I can't love you. You will not always be loved Allen, there will be days when others will be tired and bored with life, will have their heads in the clouds, and will hurt you. Because people are like that, they somehow always end up hurting each other's feelings, whether through carelessness, misunderstanding, or conflicts with themselves. If you don't love yourself, at least a little, if you don't create an armor of self-love and happiness around your heart, the feeble annoyances caused by others will become lethal and will destroy you. The firs...

 I used to know him, I'm not that he anymore. I lost him somewhere in my trying. He died holding on, Then he was born in the letting go. I found him again in the loss. Now he is someone you'll never know. R.L.J.

"Why do we get attached to others, Doctor Dorothy? I find myself getting attached to others so easily. And not just to people, but also to places and things. The feelings of attachment feel comfortable and dangerous at the same time. I love being attached, but I hate it at the same time. Sometimes I wish I were free of all these attachments. Sometimes I wish I could fly away from them all, like a bird. To be free of these attachments would be so liberating. Do you understand Doctor...??" "I do, Ryan. Yes I do. We don't become attached because we're weak or desperate. We become attached because we're human. Every attachment you've ever formed, from the person who ghosted you after three amazing dates to the relationship you couldn't release even though deep down you knew it wasn't right, was your attempt at feeling safe, loved, and in control. But attachment isn't just about romantic relationships. It's also the job you cling to because you...

"If we never cross paths again, I want you to know that I regret nothing. I may have said I did at a weak moment, but I do not look back on any of our time together as time wasted. I want to remember the way we fell into alignment like planets in orbit, the way we sank into each other with all the ease of clouds merging, the way holding and kissing you felt like being lit from within. If we never see each other again, I hope you remember me as someone who loved you fiercely, who made you feel like no one else can, who took care of your heart while carving out a place of my own. I hope that when you let yourself think of me something about my memory will always feel like home..."

"I want you to know, that if anything should ever happen to me that you'll be taken care of. You'll never have to worry about anything again. Should I go, there are papers in the bottom drawer, and a special letter I wrote just for you..."

"He's coming back to town you know. I'll be sitting at his table this year. I'll have to stomach him for one night I suppose..." "Why is he coming back, what business does he have here anymore??" "Because he's a big fish in a little pond here, and his ego needs feeding I suppose..."

 He'd been to the brink of death, Then back again, More times than he cared to face. So he sat down to write final notes, To few loved ones who remained, With pen and paper tear stained. One letter to a beloved woman, One to the man he loved so dearly. And then he placed them, Where they'd soon be surely found, Upon the afternoon of his death. R.L.J.

"I've become a master of dissociation, Doctor Dorothy. If anything triggers in me a deep emotion that I simply cannot deal with, I dissociate. I just simply go numb to it. I check out mentally and ignore all sense of emotion related with the triggering event. It's a defense mechanism. It's the only way I know of to protect my fragile psyche from being damaged more than it can stand to be damaged any further. It may seem cruel, but I don't know how else to cope..." "I understand Ryan. Dissociation is a mental process that disconnects your thoughts, memory, and sense of identity. Often triggered by trauma or intense stress. You'll feel unreal, detached from yourself and have a blurred sense of identity. You'll check out of reality for a moment. It's exactly as you say, your mind is protecting itself from further trauma. Your mind and spirit are just not built for what you've had to go through, that's all. Trauma, like the kind you've...

"There’s something eternal between us, something that never really ends. We’ve met before, in echoes, in dreams, in the quiet ache of the stars. Each time we find each other, we pretend it’s the first. Each time we part, the void holds our promise to return. You, me, and the silence that breathes between galaxies, we are infinitely constant. We drift, we dissolve, we become everything and nothing. Somewhere beyond beginnings and endings, we will meet again, at the void..."

Brother Ryan Luke Jevne, in the name of our Savior Jesus Christ, by the authority of the holy priesthood which I bear, and by further authority of having been ordained patriarch in the Asheville stake of Zion, I now place my hands upon your head and give you your patriarchal blessing. Brother Jevne, our Heavenly Father is pleased that you have come this day to receive further guidance through your patriarchal blessing. He is pleased that you have accepted the calling that you have in the church, that you are doing your best to help reactivate members who at this time are not active in the church. Many are not living the gospel, but as you and others in the elders quorum do your best to get these people to come back to church you will have success in this great endeavor. You will be blessed with other callings in the church in your life. I bless you to know that your Heavenly Father is also pleased that you have come to this area of the country which those of us here call the mission fi...

 ❤️  Ryan I love your face and butt Kat 😃 

 Ryan,  Thanks for the bootch, Ya coochie cooch! J. 

"I spend so much time alone, in silence, Doctor Dorothy. I find I prefer it in a world were everyone is so busy, loud, distracted and preoccupied. I find the silence addicting in some ways. Time alone is something I need. No, not need. Crave. What do you feel this could mean...??" "In moments when darkness surrounds you and companionship feels scarce, hold onto the belief that you are never truly alone. Embracing periods of silence and self reflection can illuminate your path once more. You have not been forsaken. Rather, you have been granted the opportunity to reconnect with your true self. Use this time to nurture your spirit and explore the depths of your being, for within you lie the answers you seek. These insights will not stem from others' opinions but will emerge from your own heart. As you journey back to your essence, you will rise renewed, radiating strength, confidence, and resilience. Time alone in the dark can often lead us back into the light......

Break an leg. Love you. T. Cat

He stood on the porch, embraced by the moonlight and the haze of cigarette smoke. "Sure, I could have a fancy house with all the finest things. But I'd prefer to enjoy life..." And by "enjoy life," he meant that instead of a fancy home and fine things, he'd rather indulge in temporary delights like booze and smokes.  This was the kind of man he was, he didn't want anything that truly lasted, only momentary things.

He stepped on stage. A magical space of pretending, where he could be another man. Another man in another space and another time. It was only then that he believed that once he stood on stage he could see life, life itself, through different eyes.

"You are familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, right? You studied psychology. It's a psychological theory that proposes humans are motivated to fulfill a series of five needs, often depicted as a pyramid, from basic survival to self fulfillment. The hierarchy includes physiological needs, like eating and drinking. There are safety needs, love and belonging, friendship, intimacy, esteem, self respect, recognition and self actualization. Lower level needs must be satisfied before a person can focus on higher level ones..."  "Yes, that's all well and fine. But self actualization requires self destruction. The old self must be destroyed for the new self to emerge. Most people aren't willing to destroy who they've been. So they never become who they could be. Destroy the old. Build the new. Destruction is creation. So Maslow's hierarchy of needs is bullshit. One must deny themselves to become who they truly are, or need to be. Don't you see......

"I don't mind telling you my dear, that you'll find me in my own home a most disagreeable man. You see, I'm spoiled. I live alone and I always have it my own way, for there's no one here to tell me otherwise..."

"My God, this has been one hell of a day! It seems that everything is going wrong. I should've just stayed home all day. The universe is against me all day, I know it...!!" "My dear boy, have you ever heard of the burned toast theory?" "No, I haven't not. But I don't see how burned toast has anything to do with me having the worst day ever..." "The burnt toast theory states that every time you burn your toast, miss an exit, miss your flight, or get stuck in traffic, you're actually being delayed for a reason. You are being redirected to a different path. What feels like an inconvenience is actually protecting you from something unseen. Even if you don't get where you wanted to go, you will always end up where you are meant to be. Trust the process. Sometimes the toast needs to burn, or everything needs to go wrong to place you exactly where you're supposed to be. Do you understand?" "I do now, yes. All those things ha...

"I have a confession, Doctor Dorothy. Sometimes when I'm really angry, I just want to hurt the ones who have hurt me..." "That's a natural feeling, it's called revenge, and it doesn't fix a single thing." "Well then, what's the best thing to do if I have an angry heart, Doctor?" "Become something they are not, become the opposite of them. For you see angry people hurt because they are hurting. You mustn't continue the cycle." "How do I do that?" "The next time you become angry and want to hurt someone, think of the times when someone hurt you, and choose to do the opposite instead..."

 She danced with Ryan, Another Ryan, For her husband was a Ryan, too. Yet tonight she danced, In the land of make believe, Where Ryan was her King, A Ryan far beyond her dreams. Here in the land of Theater, Where dreams come true.  R.L.J.

 "It was wicked cold outside this morning..." "Oh yeah, Ryan? How cold was it...??" "Well, it was so damn cold that when I stepped outside my 'boys' went back inside..."

Will you please hold my hand for a little while? I don't need saving and I don't need fixing. I don't need you to carry my burdens. Just simply hold my hand. I won’t ask for words, nor thoughts, nor a shoulder to lean on. Just sit with me for a while, as my tears fall and my heart aches, as my mind plays its' cruel games. Will your presence remind me that I am not alone, even as I wander through the unknown? My darkness is mine to face, my pain is mine to bear, my wounds are mine to heal. Will you sit beside me, as I gather the courage to meet it all? For I shine because of my shadows. I am whole because of my fractures. I am strong because of my tenderness. Will you gently take my hand when I walk through the dark once more? I don’t ask you to take my pain away. I don’t expect you to bring the light, for I know only I can mend what is broken. Please sit with me for a little while, hold my hand until I find my way. I would love that more than words can say. So, please w...

"Doctor Dorothy. You don't understand. I must heal first. I cannot love again until I'm healed inside..." "Ryan, that isn't necessarily true. Healing isn't something that must be done prior to loving. Healing is found in places of love, we heal with love. You will begin to heal when you choose people who are safe to walk through the healing with you. Those people will remind you that you're still worth loving as you heal along the way..."

They both were duos, Royalty in fact. Both born for the stage, But not for the final act. They were Kings and Queens, Dueling Royalty.  Fate decided who would play, Who and when. So nights were placed within a bowl, To decide which King and Queen, Would play the final show. R.L.J.

"Well, hello Frank. Haven't seen you for awhile." "I've been to California and back to see friends, family and the grandkids." "Nice. Are you here for your usual? Copenhagen Long Cut and some Black Velvet?" "You know me too well..." "Coming right up..." "Thank you Ryan..." "Have you talked with Steven, or seen him lately?" "No. He doesn't talk to me. He was here for the Barbecue and Bluegrass Festival but didn't bother to see me. When we talk he won't listen. He's worse than a woman, stubborn as hell. I can't talk to him without arguing. He wants to tell me how to do this and that, and I say, 'no, I'll do it my way...' He asked me a while back for something, but he ain't never gonna get it..." "Oh my..." "Yeah, he can spend money on trips to New Orleans and bullshit, but he can't make time for his Pop. He's in Miles City with his Joe. He...

I sat my glass of red wine down upon the thin white carpet, next to his. He danced his way to the bedroom, leaving me naked and wanting upon the couch. Little did I know then, that our fates would be decided that night. There upon the thin white carpet, with red wine, naked and wanting. Upon the couch, Then upon the bed. While the deep red wine, Cast itself upon the thin white carpet, Staining it ever so, Throughout the night.  Just as my soul had been stained, With deep, dark passion. White turned to blood, There upon the white sheets, Turned red, Overnight. R.L.J.

"I fear the darkness Doctor Dorothy. When I'm all alone at night, I fear it. But more than anything else, the darkness doesn't scare me twice as much as the silence in the dark does. Why do you suppose that is...?" “Simply because silence isn't empty. It's both sickening and sweet. For you see, silence is full of everything we haven't dared to say along the way. And that should scare you more than darkness ever could..."

 "I don't understand how someone could say this is dangerous, two people finding complete peace in each other's arms under the moonlight. It's wild how the most beautiful kind of love can be the most feared by some..." "You put words together so beautifully. I love that about you..."

"Under the thunder that never claps, there comes a moment when you stop waiting for him to come back. Not due to silence, but because you understand that certain absences have become part of you. Outside it's still storming, but inside it's still and dry. Yet, just outside the sound of rain upon the glass, and the clinging idea that sometimes love knows how to linger even when no one is around..."

Dreams Why do those dreams haunt you? I want to know what I can do, So that I can help you. No matter what it takes, I would do, So a good nights' rest would come to you. If I could I would bring your dreams to me, Far away and not haunting you.  I wish I could do something good for you. Returning all that you have done for me. But taking your dreams away, Is something I cannot do. I'm so sorry for what I can not do, And that I cannot help you. S.W.  Jan. 11, 2003  

"You always seem like you're acting, Ryan. As if you're performing every day, always smiling, showing up and keeping yourself together..." "Isn't that funny that you notice. All the while I'm quietly sinking inside. You see, the world applauds the version of me that looks fine, but few people ever notice what's really happening underneath it all..." "Let me tell you something, Ryan. Life isn't about all that. Everyone needs someone who doesn't just applaud you when you shine. You also need someone who can recognize when you're sinking and drowning. Someone who notices the silence behind your smile..."

He stared at the hideous wallpaper in his brand new empty apartment.  "This wallpaper and I will fight a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go..." Then he slapped the walls, dug in with his fingers and nails, ripping every last strip off the walls. There his future tapestry awaited. His empty apartment walls and he.

"I've been experiencing insane episodes of déjà vu, Doctor Dorothy. It's quite disturbing. I feel as if I've already been in the same place before. Seen the same exact things. It's unsettling, like I'm passing through moments in time that I've been through before. It's a strange experience. What do you feel it could mean...??" "Déjà vu is French, for 'already seen.' You'll experience unsettling feelings that a new experience has occurred before, despite the absence of any actual past memory of it. It is generally considered a brain glitch, possibly from split perception where a scene is processed twice, or a collision between streams of awareness, leading to a false sense of recollection. While common, frequent déjà vu can be a symptom of conditions like epilepsy, migraines, or fatigue, and can be associated with neurological or psychiatric illness in some cases..." "That seems like a textbook definition to me, Doctor. I...

 “Ryan, if we’re going to talk, then let’s really talk. Let's forget about what is polite or proper and dive right into what is sincere and honest. Lead me down through the labyrinth of your true, spectacular self. I am not interested in pleasantries. If you want a conversation, then let’s get lost, so we can finally find one another...”

As was our usual afternoon routine, we dined. On homemade cabbage burgers with chips and peach salsa. We talked about the turning color of the fall leaves and the all too soon approaching winter. "I'll need you more as winter falls, you know. When the darkness comes and stays longer than I'm used to. When the nights get cold I'll need your warm body close to mine..." "I'll need the same of you..." When we had relished our last bites and cleaned up the table, we climbed the stairs in anticipation. The bed was where we would spend the next few hours, finding delight in all our naked bliss. Then to drift off into a nap, nestled in each other's arms. Only to awake in the evening twilight.

We are all just a bunch of, Strings and threads. Tied tightly together, Across space and time. Dancing briefly, Here and there, And everywhere. Never knowing we are all,  The fabric of everywhere.  R.L.J.

Goodnight my Tom Cat. I wish I was there to fall asleep upon your silver chest. I love you!💋 💋 💋  Goodnight my beautiful man. I feel your cheek upon my heart. I love you. ❤️ 💙 💜 

Will I see you sometime before next weekend? Yes you will. I have white shirts to get to you as soon as they get here. I will need to get my Ryan sighting several times before next weekend. It's a must have. ❤️❤️❤️ Oh yes! I'd forgotten about the shirts. I can't go on without them... My sweet Tom, you keep me going, you know. ❤️ 💙 💜  I know... because I can't go on without you by my side. 💕😘💕😘💕

He was sweet, tender and vulnerable as he stretched himself out upon the burgundy sheets. Bare and blonde, young and willing to be bound with me. He played with me, teasing parts of me that I only remember feeling their best when I was his age. And here I was tasting a boy that reminded me of butterscotch, coffee and brandy. But the intoxicating effects he had on me were far beyond sugar, caffeine or alcohol.  That night with him was what I could have had so many years before, if I'd only found myself sooner.

Behind the curtain, all alone. The crowd doesn't weigh on my mind, Only on my heart. Twisted smile, While inside my head is churning. The light chooses me, Like a finger that accuses. I'll stay here, still, In the middle of nowhere, That only claps in silence. The darkness tastes more than I do, Dance, fly, fall and get up. I'd rather stay. Mask among the masks, A man that no one sees anymore. Every laugh that does not come, It's a punch in the stomach. Every wait an increasing emptiness. And yet, I remain. Because I don't know who I am anymore, Without these circles of light.  R.L.J.

 "That kid is a little creep. I swear if he comes at me with his sassy shit again I'm going to slap his pouty little lips right off his smug face..." "Aw, I think he's adorable. He reminds me of my young, awkward hormonal self..."

Ryan,  The hardest thing you’ll ever have to do is believe in yourself again after everything’s fallen apart.⁠ When life shakes you like that, it’s easy to lose your faith. In yourself. In people. In the path you are on.⁠ It gets quiet, heavy and lonely. It can feel like no one really sees or understands what you’re going through. I need you to hear me on this.⁠ There’s still something in you that hasn’t quit. That light, it’s never gone out, it’s never left you. It’s always been there when you need it the most.⁠ ⁠You can call it hope, or strength, or stubbornness. I’ve called it resilience, and it’s gotten me through hell.⁠ You don’t have to figure everything out. Just get quiet enough to remember who you are. That will take you where you need to go. Who you are has helped you get through every single thing that’s ever come your way.⁠ You’ve made it this far, that counts, that matters.⁠ So take a breath. Then just find one reason to keep going and hold onto that. That’s will be en...

"Fate took him away from me. He faded away. Not because of anything either one of us did, but because that is simply how fate works. Fate comes and it plays, it fakes and then it takes. Why do you think that is...??" "It took me most of my life to understand this. The people who care the most about you are often the ones who can hurt you the most. Not because they mean to, but because they got in. They reached places no one else could. They gave you what you'd been looking for. But life happens, fear creeps in, people mess up. They run, they shut down, say things they don't mean or stay silent when it matters the most. And suddenly you're left questioning if it ever meant anything at all. It did. They cared. Maybe still do. But now you get to find out if they belong in your life. The ones who want to stay will show up. The ones who don't will fade. And that's how fate works. Fate is a tricky mistress. She comes when least expected, there to teach you ...

"So we got some Harmon's Coconut Cream Pies that aren't ours, we don't carry these. So we cannot sell them. What should I do??" "Mark them down to a dollar each and sell them..." "For real?! A whole Coconut Cream Pie for only a dollar??" "I'll take two of them..." "Perfect. I'll take one, too..." "Sweet! Put our cream pies together, save them for later, in the freezer..." "You aren't the first guy that asked me to put our cream pies together..." "Anything for you, Ryan..."

 "I don't understand why he couldn't love me like I needed to be loved. What more could I have done?" "In the end, I believe that you don't need to do anything to be loved. You spent your life trying to be lovable. You must realize a few things. Those who love you see you with their hearts and attribute qualities to you beyond those you really have. Those who don't want to love you will never be satisfied with all your efforts. I really believe that it is important to leave your imperfections alone. Your imperfections are too precious to understand. Those who see you with their hearts really love you, despite your imperfections. Perhaps he couldn't see you with his heart. For a truly loving heart looks beyond your imperfections and loves you perfectly..."

"I absolutely love that girl, she's my favorite. She's such a feral disaster..."  "Just like you, right?!" "You're right, she reminds me of my younger self. I think that's why I love her so much..."