gayNwyo

After all that has happened to me, I surrendered and built a wall, a wall around my once delicate heart. I did this not to forget, but to protect what was left of my heart still intact. Rock by rock, I stacked up the scars and the lessons, to create that wall. All the cracks in that wall were stories I no longer wanted to hold onto. Yet, if someday there is a tender heart that approaches this wall without fear, perhaps this wall will gently fall, and I'll once again open my broken heart, without fear of being broken, again.

"You were there, Ryan, you were there in the beginning. Before the big bang. You were instrumental in creating this world. You saw it from the very beginning to the very end..."

He seemed Hell bent, Hell bent on denying me, Hell bent on destroying me. He was Hell bent. Hell bent on consuming me, Hell bent on killing me, Hell bent on killing my soul. R.L.J.

"The wounds that I inflicted upon myself were far worse than the wounds that were inflicted upon me by others. They were wounds of guilt and regret, knowing that I failed to live my own truth. These wounds festered in the darkness, hidden away from the light. They bled me dry, by and by. Yet I carried my wounds anyway. Some may never heal, for maybe I'm supposed to suffer in silence, a prisoner of my own making..."

Ryan, I am sorry for getting so upset at lunch. I just can't stand there and watch Ashley be hurt like that. I realize that it's not your fault if maybe you don't feel for her the way she feels for you. I urge you, though, to give her a chance. I urge you to get to know her and then decide if she truly isn't for you. From now on I'm out of it until Ashley comes to me for advice again. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm always floating around somewhere. Andi

Something happens, a certain peace that falls over you, when the illusion starts to dissolve. When you begin to see the world as it truly is, not as you believed it to once be. It isn't the pain of all the losses or the burn of a breakup or the melancholy that comes with the reality that life's grandiose lies in your perception, not in the reality. When you can acknowledge that all things are not permanent, all things change and the beautiful fragile moments of wonder that we experience cannot be called back. And all the fairy tales we were raised on, the ones that promised us all happy endings, with heroes and lovers, where love wins and happiness is a place, all that fades away under the weight of living other experiences. Love, we learn, is not lasting or eternal, it comes and it goes, it dims and flickers, victim to circumstances, misunderstandings and the broad expanse of time. It's the love we have in the moments in between, the fleeting times that pass, never to be p...

Ryan, You said, "write it down..." So here it is. Why don't you see why I diet and exercise? I'm too fat. I am not fat obese, ect., I know that. Don't worry I am not going to develop Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa. I am not obsessed & I do not want to look like Venessa, she has no figure. Okay. Now that we have established that let's try to help you understand.  I need to lose weight. Ok? My waist is too big. You've seen me in my green dress. My waist looks like it's 3 feet wide. I have some inches to lose.  I know I have large hips. I've been informed. I'm not blind. I can't lose bone. Just look at my Mom, I'm stuck with an hourglass figure.  I'm not satisfied with how I look. I've been told repeatedly that I'm stupid, ugly & fat. I've had that driven in my head for years. Most females care how they look. Don't tell me Venessa or your Mother don't care about their appearance. I care extremely how I ...

I am a lonely soul, out here, on the other side of the glass, looking in on all of you, wondering how I have become so jaded, and all of the pain that I am going through is starting to make me feel invisible. There was once upon a time when I lived on the other side of the glass, where I found love and laughter, yet now I'm on the other side, away from all of you, and no one is coming around anymore. It's painful in here, living so, knowing there is no longer an open door, just glass, as I peer in on you, each and every day. I wonder and sit, thinking of life before that glass came between us. What happened to me, I do not know, but I must accept my new role here, where I truly wish to be is no longer what is needed for my lonely soul. I'm on the other side of my old reality, with no possible way to bring it back. The dreams I have are my only freedom, but even there there is a resistance to an indifferent reality. A reality that once shined, before I lost myself. Life goes...

Ryan, Hey, I am at work right now, and there has hardly been any calls. Thank you again for last night. I will always remember that. You have no idea how special you are. I know you don't like the mushy gushy stuff, but I want you to hear it. There are a lot of things about me that people don't know and would not understand, I don't even understand them. Last night was one of the nights where I could not understand myself. Things that I thought were not rational. I don't know why I do that or what happens to me, but there are times I get like that. Thank you for treating me the way you do. You say that you didn't know what to do last night, or how to respond to me, but you did exactly what I needed. You left me alone, didn't say a thing. Because of that I was able to go home and figure myself out, or I should say straighten myself out, and feel better. I am a difficult person, and I don't even know what to do most of the time when I get that way. But somehow...

"Good morning Ryan..." "Good morning. How did you sleep?" "Not very well, you kept me awake all night. You were dreaming, out loud. You were talking all night, about this and that and everything, and I have so many questions I don't even know where to start..."

Ryan - Well Hello there!!! How are you surviving play practice?? You know what? You are so talented, I expect to see you acting with all the greats when you get older... Broadway of otherwise... because you're amazing and you can do it. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'll never forget you when I move... which is in 32 days incidentally. Maybe it was because you were my first love, and I mean that, or maybe it was because I saw something in you that I've failed to see in anyone else at RHS. I still love you, but on a different level than I did at first. You're a special guy. Anyways, good luck with the play and crap... Keep writing and acting. Wherever your dreams take you, I hope you'll be happy. "I killed it, Gilbert!!" Love, Ashley 4:20! something to make you smile; or, just think about periwinkle lollipops. Don't let anyone read this, k. I see you kept that ring....

Ryan - Wow, I've really left you in the dark haven't I? Well, all I can say is - that was my fault. It's hard for me to be open. And what happened the other night was probably my fault too - in one way or another I probably instigated it. Don't prejudge me, though - OK? I don't sleep around. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't be writing this note right now. I haven't 'been' with a lot of guys. And in case you wanted to know but didn't ask, I AM a virgin. I don't know what gave you the impression that I wasn't - but I am, and until I find the right person, I intend to stay that way. I won't deny that I have been in a lot of relationships this year, because I have. And in each one I saw something that made me want to go out with them. One aspect. A single thing... one attribute that attracted me to them in the first place. I guess that's why those relationships were so short lived. I jumped into them blindly, almost without fores...

An evening of thinking of the man that has come into my life, I can't think of anything better, except having him next to me. Hope you're having a good evening. Hey, do you know what? I LOVE YOU! Yep, I do, very much!!! ❤️💕

"He felt alone in a world that loved him, yet he couldn't love himself. The world was tearing itself apart from the inside out, and he couldn't figure himself out. Yet he knew without a doubt that the world would figure itself out, just as he could ultimately find his own way out."

"He came to me at a time in my life when I needed rescued and he saved me. He saved me from absolute ruin. Ruin of every kind imaginable. He came like a sweet angel of mercy. I hope that someday, even after all the anger and regret that tore us apart, that he'll remember he was my angel, even if I made him face the demons of his own heart..."

"Hey Ryan, do you hate Trump today...??" "I have strong feelings about him, but I don't hate him..." "I thought you might say that..." "And why is that??" "Because he hates you, for being you, so you should hate him, too..." "Can't you see, that's exactly what he wants, he wants to divide us, he wants us to hate each other? Hate will not live in my heart as it does in his..."

"So, Jesse has decided that everyone at work should be some kind of fruit or vegetable, based on their personality and overall vibe. He thinks that I'm cotton candy grapes, because I'm super sweet, expensive and all the ladies love me... How about you, what kind of fruit or vegetable are you...??" "I'm a kumquat I've decided. First of all because I like saying kumquat, especially with an emphasis on the first syllable. And secondly because I'm sweet and unassuming on the outside and incredibly bitter and acidic on the inside. Plus, no one knows what to do with me and most people have decided I'm not worth the effort to find out..."

"Ryan, your eyes are so damn pretty I just wanna poke them out..." "Whoa, that was extreme but flattering..."

Hello My Tom Cat! I was thinking it would be lovely to have a naked day at my place tomorrow! We could take a long hot shower, then snuggle all afternoon and watch some silly classic movie together.  Let me know if you're 'up' for that! Love, Tom's Ryan

Hey Ryan, All you ever have to do is just ring my bell and I'll be right there at the door for you. So come over any time, and ring my bell! Jasper

"It's it ironic, Ryan, that you would find love in the arms of an older man, a man so much like your father?" "I don't find it ironic at all, no. I find it romantic..."

Happy Anniversary RYAN Ryan, I can't believe it has been three years since we got together. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime, other times it seems like only yesterday! I know that God had a hand in bringing us together, and I'm grateful! I love you! ~ Your Wife

It's fine, Ryan, my love. It's fine to do your own thing. It's fine to reply late. It's fine to be sad and not talk to me. It's fine to turn off your phone and sleep all day. It's fine to be distant. It's fine to figure things out on your own. It's fine to restore your peace of mind. It's fine to weep silently from the baggage you still carry. It's fine to lie down for a while and forget about everything. It's fine. Remember that I love you, and that includes understanding your chaos, supporting your journey, and giving you enough distance to think. I know that sometimes, you just need to choose yourself, but your love for me remains the same.  You are fine and you'll always be fine. And my love, it's all just fine.

"I notice you have a habit of clinging to things, as you cling to your pillow as you fall to sleep at night. This would suggest to me that you've lost things, perhaps not just things, but also people, people you have lost to the night. Is that right??"

He had white face,  And so did I. He kept his hid, And so did I. We looked for white, Our life whole through. As we passed each other by, We never knew. R.L.J.

"So, I confess, I dream about you. And all you'll say is I just want your horse cock. You are sexy as fuck to boot, one of the sexiest men in Wyoming. So I was the fool and I fell in love with you, what more can I say...?"

"He probably didn't fall in love with you, Ryan. Most likely, he just experienced the intensification of his own egotistical needing and wanting. He became addicted to you, or at least the image of you. That has nothing to do with true love, true love has no needing or wanting whatsoever. Love exists as a state of being, love is not outside, but deep inside. And since you can say you still love him, it can never leave you and you'll never lose it. For you see, he never really loved you to begin with, and the beautiful irony is that you'll always love him."

"Nobody is really ever thinking about you, Ryan. They never were, they weren't and they aren't. They don't have the time to worry about you, or how well you are, they're all just too busy, caught up in their own silly drama..."

"As he slipped out the door once again to engage himself in his foolish habitual nature, I knew he wasn't the man he said he was, he wasn't the man for me."

"Don't worry too, too much Ryan, for you are not too long for, or in this world. You're only here for as long as you choose to be. You'll be going soon..."

"Hey Ryan, you wanna try some of this cheese curd...!?!" "No, you touched it with your fingers...!!" "But, you'll lick a man's butthole...?!?"

Ryan,  You're such a tease, you always say just what you please and then you walk away, it's not fair. Why won't you ever just stay with me long enough to talk? You're such a cock jock! John

"What time would you like your chariot to arrive, sexy man?" "Surprise me, I'm sure you'll arrive precisely when you are needed..."

"I still think you are one of the sexiest men I have ever met. If we were in a different place I’d lock your cock down..." "Oh yeah? What's that mean?" "That I’d be with you and you would be mine..."

Ryan, I don't know what to think of you! Last night it seemed like things might be better today. Yet as soon as I see you, you suddenly seem pissed. I know you don't like me asking what's wrong all the time as it makes you feel like you never do anything right, but honey, 90% of the time there is pretty obvious reason for me asking. I'm sorry, but to most people the silent treatment means that something is wrong. And it's not that I think something is wrong with you, I naturally feel that since I am the one getting the brush off, I'm the one who has apparently done something wrong. I have told you time and time again that I am sorry for nights like last night, but I can't help it when I feel that way. To be honest I feel so unattractive, so overweight, that I can't even enjoy when we have sex like I used to and like I should, because all I can think about the whole time is that I am not good enough or experienced enough, or pretty enough to really please...

"What are you doing rearranging rooms, are you getting ready for company??" "Yes. Your company. Hopefully you will appreciate all the sunshine that will be shining on my naked body. If the sun shines when the time comes..." "Well, whether or not the sun shines, your naked body will still shine in my eyes..."

"I need you to have faith with all that you have unresolved in your heart. And all the unanswered questions you have, you've got to lock that all away. Don't question all of that. For you already know all the answers."

"Why are you looking at me like that, Ryan?!" "I haven't seen you since Christmas, that's why..."

"Why haven't you posted another blog lately, Ryan??" "I'm busy with a book now..."

"Ryan, you have got to let everyone misunderstand you and tell stupid stories and label you as this or that. For they will only see pieces of you they are willing to see. They will see your truth only to twist it, and they'll describe you only by your flaws and confine you to the fine roles they have played only in their minds. That is their story, not yours. Your story is far deeper than theirs..."

"I've become a forgotten father. Ironically so, because I've somewhere along the way forgotten my father. A generational pattern that I've somehow wanted to break, but have unintentionally repeated. I guess I deserve, then, to be a father, a father forgotten."

"The world you know now is about to change, and I hope you're ready for that, Ryan..." "The world I know has already changed, but we have all been too busy with our selfish business to realize it."

Hey Ryan, Please know I'm with you and love you. Your mantra is, I'm healthy, I can make my life better. I have a great man in my life that loves me. I love you, and you have me to love. Your Tender Tom

"Don't you think you're the fool in your own game, Ryan? Don't you feel you're the only one to blame?" "Of course not, no, for I was the last fool in a long line of fools that followed my foolishness into being a fool." "You're a genius, Ryan, for we are all fools. And in admitting we are fools is where our genius begins..."

"I hate you Ryan, you make me sick!" "Why do you hate me so, I haven't done anything to you...?" "I don't know what it is, I just do..." "Can't you see? I'm just you, from a different point of view..."

"You won't have to worry about him for much longer, Ryan. For you see, I put a curse on him..." "Why would you do that?" "Because he hurt you, he broke your heart. He made you afraid to live your life. So now we must take his livelihood from him. I cursed his business, from here on out. Any business ventures he has from here on out will fail..." "Don't you think that's extreme?!" "No, these are the lengths a mother will go to to protect her son..."

Good morning Ryan, The sun is shining, no more pining. Just we two, shining through.  I love you. ❤️ 💙 💜 

"I hate working here Ryan, this job fucking sucks the life out of my very soul..." "Well, my dear you fail to see what a magical little grocery store you exist in. Maybe you should change your perspective..."

The fan on the corner desk hummed, as we had both just came...  I laid back to bask in what I hadn't realized was my first real, grown up man love. The only real man I would ever, really, really ever love. And that moment was gone ever too quickly before I realized how orgasmically magic it truly was.

7-27-07 hello my Lovely! Sarah has a half-hour of free time now, so I thought I'd take advantage of the time I had. I know I tell you all the time that I love you, but there is a lot more that I feel I don't say. I look around at my life and see how blessed I am, it's all because of you! First and foremost, I don't think I could have ever humbled myself enough to go back to church had it not been for your amazing example. When you left to North Carolina, I never thought I was doing too bad, but all the changes you made, helped me realize the changes I needed to make. I am still far from perfect, but you continue to be my shining example! I am amazed and proud of your love for the scriptures! The way you just pull them out and read, just because you want to! I love your spirit and the help it is to me! Secondly, I love you for your strength! Things have not been exactly easy in our first seven months of marriage. We have had to deal with family funerals that we could not...

"There was someone upstairs last night..." "No one was upstairs last night..." "But I heard them last night..." "This will be the last night you lie like that...."

"Hey Ryan!! Your blog just had me nut in my brains!"

The night train woke me late, As he shook the ground, With shuttering grace, Taking me to my favorite place, My place of his amazing grace.

"I've wept on far too many pillow cases for you, and I won't do it anymore..."

Ryan, I'm editing Chapter Fifteen, aka Act Fifteen entitled 'Dark Winter.' You say, "this was the deepest, the darkest and the most depressing winter of my life. One that tested every piece of my soul. I was alone as I had never been alone in my life. The most alone I'd ever wished to be. An alone I had to surrender to. Where I had to surrender to myself. For I had placed myself there, in the darkest winter of my life. An endless winter of misery. One I would do almost anything to escape..." And then you write on to say you heard a voice in the night say... "Hold onto your hope!" Was this the voice of the White Angel you have written about before...?!?

When I was young and unafraid, I became sick when I didn't know what sickness was. Then all at once I was afraid, sick, in pain and on the edge of what I did not yet know was death. Then, a white angel appeared. She took the fear, the pain and the death away. This was my earliest memory, when I still did not know what a memory would be.

Ryan, I am guessing that you are upset because I didn't talk to you much at rehearsal. Well honey, I don't know what to do! I try to talk to you and stay close to you, and you say you want me to leave you alone. So when I do leave you alone it's like you are more mad! I don't know what to expect! I don't know when you want me around and when you don't, I'm not psychic! You have to let me know. I love you and I love to be with you, but I am not gonna keep trying, just to get snapped at. I know you hate it, but it's up to you. You are welcome to call or come over whenever. I'm just tired of interfering when I'm a burden. Like I said, I love you and mean it. I am here if you want.  🌟 Goodnight 🌟  Love, Katie Jean Krammer

As night falls upon another day, the feeling of being loved by that special someone begins a warmth inward that makes each day worth living. How lucky I am.  XOXO  I love you, Ryan

To the one I will always love but had to lose, One day you'll never hear from me again, but please remember this, I know I loved you with everything I had. I made you my priority in ways I never thought I could for anyone. I had so many paths to take, so many people I could have chosen, but out of all those options, I still chose you. I stayed, even though I knew I'd inevitable have to leave. When I finally decided to leave, I hope my absence brought you peace that my presence never could. My love was never perfect, but it was real. Even now, as I let go, a part of me will always hope that you'll find the happiness that you never found in me.