gayNwyo

I may have "moved on"... but that doesn't mean I'm over you. I don't think I'll EVER be over you.  

Good morning. Walk was good. They are watering the crap out of the park, trying to get the dead spots to green up before this weekend.  I'm watering the crap out of my yard to make it beautiful for when an incredible man comes to visit me.  He actually lives in your town. You may have run into him. You can't miss him. He is tall, has the most incredible eyes, gorgeous brown hair, carries himself well. When he speaks it sounds like a beautiful melody. He's kind, everyone who meets him says how wonderful he is.  I think I am very lucky to have met him and now he is a big part of me.  I love you, see you soon.  ❤️💜🩶💙💚🧡

"There was always something about the film that I found so surreal and surrendering, as a small boy it captivated me. I identified with her at first, and then with every character thereafter. They all spoke to my soul, they all wanted something they already had and then lost, then found again. It was about the journey, the friendship and facing all their fears. But more than anything, it was the idea of the rainbow and crossing over it. I feel we are all chasing a rainbow. Some of us find it and some of us don't. But in the end, we all had what we really needed all along..."

"If you choose to write, there is one thing you must remember. Your writing will inevitably take you to terrible places, for you cannot write about something if you haven't lived through it. Yet the most important thing is this, you are there as a visitor and you must remain a visitor. You were blessed with an ability to translate your feelings into words and give voice to your torment and suffering. But please do not be over indulgent with your experience of all these things, despite how addictive your suffering can be. It could be all too easy to get lost down the twisted path of self destruction. You must arise from the adversity, scorched but victorious. You must tell your story and light the way for others to share theirs..."

"I knew that I was done with him, even though I also knew that there could have been so much more between us. I knew that it was right to walk away, even though I wanted to stay. Does that make any sense to you?" "Of course it does. Once you and someone you were connected to have completed your journey together and learned the lessons you needed, the universe ensures that you will never meet again. Does that make sense?" "Absolutely, of course it does..."

"He couldn't stand to be alone, he absolutely couldn't sit with himself long enough to self reflect. I was just the opposite, I loved to be alone, I could stand to sit with my thoughts, feelings and emotions for days. I love self reflection. I think he felt I was selfish for needing my own time..." "Interesting. Why do you think that is?" "I want to know what you think, Doctor Dorothy. That's why I am here. I'm paying you to offer me some insight..." "Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. So you being alone conditioned you to love him in ways that he probably couldn't understand. And his inability to be alone conditioned him to be unable to love you unconditionally. Does that offer you insight, Ryan??"

Ryan, I feel I need to apologize for being mean yesterday w/ the song. I wasn't mad I just shouldn't have had that tude w/ you. Ryan, the old Amy is here & will always care about you no matter where you are or where I am. It is just taking me time to think there are those who are there for me the way Matt was. I'm trying to be independent and that comes out in that I shouldn't bother you guys w/ my problems or how I'm feeling. I wish you the best for the future, you deserve it. I will miss you if you are in Casper & I'm in Montana, but you know what? We can still keep in touch, it will be ok. W/ real friends distance doesn't really change anything. I needed to get those words out. I'm working on expressing myself better & writing helps. Plus I probably won't see you until this weekend & I wanted to apologize.  

  Some fruit for my handsome man.           Good morning                    Love you                          Tom

Hello Brandonian, I know it's the weekend and you don't like being bothered. But I'm having issues with unreliable cashiers who don't want to be here and do their jobs. This has been a consistent issue that's recurring perpetually on the front end. There are no consequences for any of the cashiers, so this continues to happen. This doesn't just impact me and my ability to do my job, but it effects everyone, especially our customers. I'm asking that you please speak with one certain cashier lad about his attitude and work ethic. He left for his lunch after being rude and dismissive, he called me a mother fucker as he walked out, stating he wouldn't be coming back. I feel I work too hard around here to be disrespected like that. I look forward to more grocery store shenanigans when I return from my vacation... Ryonian 

 On this day 14 years ago, a new generation came into your life. The emotional connection was instant and the fear and doubts ran through your mind, heart and soul. Can I be a good father? I hope he'll know I will love him unconditionally. I have so many questions.  Years pass and you begin to see a young man emerge from your little boy. Still much growing is going to happen, ups and downs, yet he will always be your little boy.  I'm honored to watch you grow with him. Your kindness is already showing in him. Fears and doubts are still there, but they always will be, that's what a father does. Congratulations! I love being able to be with you on your journey through life. You make me a better man. I love you Ryan!  ❤️ 💙 💜 

"He could've avoided a whole lot of trouble and heartache if he just minded his own business. But no, he had to keep reading his blog. What a schmuck... He must not have much going on in his new life if he keeps not minding his own business..."

Good evening Ryan, By strange scrolling fingers in the night I found your blog, and my what a surprisingly deep, dialogue filled delight it was to read. I found so much raw truth, tenacity and tenderness in reading it. Sure, some of it might be sexy, slanderous, silly, sloppy and cynical. But overall I found it teaming with depth and a desire to tell the truths even if they burned. To make one laugh when a situation was hopeless seemed to be a theme throughout. Your personal letters were an extra delight, and your poetry is poignant. You've got something here, Ryan, and sharing it is daring. It's clear you've got background education in English, Theater and Psychology. I understand you're also working on a book, which I look forward to devouring.  Please continue to blog, for it seems to be your calling.  Cheers, Michael Stephen Mitchell 

  Ryan, I'm writing this because there are a few more things I would like to say to you since you are moving. I would like to talk to you in person but you are very maturely not talking to me for the hundredth time in our friendship. I can not believe that you would want to leave things this way. Adults don't act the way you're acting. Don't worry, it's to the point now where I know I am making complete peace w/ the fact you aren't ever going to talk to me. You've made it clear by slamming doors in my face, while smiling. By hanging up on me. I am done trying to be your friend. I want to give these things you gave me back because I want no memory of you or our long friendship. It means so little to you so why should it mean anything to me? If you want to give some things back to me so you can completely forget, feel free. Ryan, you know I can take comfort in the fact I was a good & giving person to you. I really do try to be a good person and friend almo...

He was my smirking Judas, A man I once trusted, Born to betray me. I was his sweet, smiling Jesus, A man he once followed, Born to die for him. I knew I could never trust him, But I loved him, And forgave him, Ultimately. Even though he had, A cock eyed smirking grin, With devilish intentions. R.L.J.

Ryan, I'm writing to you because I don't have Sandy's address & she won't talk to me anyway. I don't know what happened while I was there w/ you two, but it felt like you both didn't really want me there. Maybe not so much you, but I knew Sandy had a problem w/ me, though she couldn't tell me, she had to be two faced. I had thought her & I were past her hatred of me but was proved wrong. I called her to talk to her about this & she wouldn't at first, until I told her how I felt she didn't want me there. I know you feel torn & maybe don't know who to believe. I'm tired of caring who you believe anyway. I know I'm a better person than to do that to anyone. For the umpteenth time I didn't do a damn thing to Sandy's car. I can't worry about that anymore. It was hard to deal w/ when I was there. It's unnecessary drama, but I guess it will never end. Ryan I hope you know I'm not a 'lying little bitch'...

  Dear Ryan, I am writing in hopes that you can move past any anger and we can be on good terms. I'll admit I've said things out of hurt and anger that I didn't mean. Ryan, I understand you want to leave this town and I support that. After everything I still care about you as a friend and your happiness. I hope you can go out and do what you want to do. And when you move on I would really like us to be friends and communicate. Ryan we have been friends for years (remember PE class) and I have good memories. I really don't want us to be on bad terms. I don't want to be hurt or angry anymore, but when you don't have anything do do w/ me it hurts. I don't know if this letter will do any good of if you hate me so much you can never move past it but I'm praying that's not the case. Again I am sorry for hurting you or being a pain in the butt. I never meant to and if you never talk to me again I still wish you the best. If by chance you do want to talk to ...

Ryan, I don't know if you'll write back. I hope you will but this is the only way I know to keep in touch w/ you. Things are good here. My cousin moved out & took a lot, even the shower curtain, but that's ok I can't be mad for long, we are family. I'm looking for a different job so wish me luck. I'm excited about next school year already because I should be getting my Bachelors Degree in Social Work & I'm thinking about moving to Minneapolis w/ Nikky, getting a job & going for my Masters Degree, because Minneapolis is where one of the best graduate schools for Social Work is. I want to go back & visit in August before school starts, but I also want to visit Josh in Omaha, I didn't get to visit Nikky & that bummed me out so if I can't visit Josh I definitely will visit. I'll let you know or maybe I'll surprise everybody. Tell Heidi I said hi & I hope all is well, I really would like you to write back. Luv, Amy :) P.S. ...

 This is a thank you note. Thank you for being there. For saying I love you, When I feel hard to love. Thank you for being my friend, I know it isn't easy. Thank you for telling me I'm pretty, Even though I don't always believe you. Thank you for making me feel strong, When I feel weakest. Thank you for helping me see good, When I feel really bad. Thank you for never giving up on me, When I feel like giving up. For these things and more we are friends, Friends today, friends tomorrow, We will always be friends. Thank you Ryan

Ryan, I know you think I'm smothering. The last thing you want right now is to see me, let alone get a letter from me. I want you to know I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'll admit I ask too much from you, it is too much to ask you to listen to me when you have other things to think about, it is very selfish of me. I hope I haven't asked for too many chances at reconciliation. I have known you for many years now & the friendship we have means so much just because it has lasted this long. It is because I think of you as such a good friend that I'd hate for it, our friendship, to be over. I'm not asking for sympathy or asking for anything in this letter, because I know I've asked too much from you as it is. I just want you to know I've been wrong, I really do see that & that things can be different. Also, honestly I'm tired of the he said she said bull. So having said that you can take what you want from this. I don't w...

Looking around his home, there wasn't much to look at and admire. He wasn't a great housekeeper. He had only one book in the entire house. He had some expensive glassware that he had big dreams for, as if he'd one day have an elaborate party with a dozen friends who would say, "Gosh but you have elegant taste in glassware, wherever did you find this?"

 He stood barefoot in the box office. Where he'd stood so many times before. But this time he was to be on stage after selling to a sold out house on opening night.  As Jesus The Christ.

 “Everybody has a secret world inside of them, Ryan. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody, no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe...”

 I was thinking my request of a conversation may have overwhelmed you. To condense, I have thought of two things for you to ponder for yourself.  1. Where is your relationship with Jesus Christ?  2. Have you peace in your life? I can testify to you that as I have come to know Him and understand His desires for me peace has settled in my heart.  I'll wait for you to begin a conversation.  XOXO 💚 💜 ❤️ 💙 

Ry-Ry, Here is Carolyn's house key. I hope you will take it to her soon because I thought I'd send the key with a letter to you instead of waiting to get her address. I would have called her mom except I have to be careful with my minutes. So that led me to think that I should just go ahead & mail the key to you, so please, please get it to her soon. I thought I had taken the key out of my purse & left it there but it was in my pocket. Also, don't worry I'm not gonna be a pain in the neck calling. I know you're busy with school & work & everything else. I would like to know what happened w/ auditions though. But again, believe me I know what it's like to be busy, I'm seriously thinking of quitting my job. I'm going to have to next fall when I'm doing my internship because that's going to be 40 hrs a week just w/ that. Ryan I still don't know where I'm gonna go when I'm done here, it's kind of scary. I did have fun ...

  Ryan, Thanks for being a friend who would love me no matter what. Even if I only had one arm. (ha, ha) I'm sorry I took so long to send you something back. I wanted to send Hershey's HUGS (ha, ha) but I wasn't sure if you would like them & so here's some money to buy whatever you would like.  I hope you know I still love you too. I'll be your friend when your hair and your teeth fall out. (ha, ha) I'll still be your friend when pigs fly. Lots of Luv always, Amy :)

"Nobody will protect you from your suffering, Ryan. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal..."

"Hey Ryan...???" "Yes sir??" "I have a migraine and I'm leaving for lunch and I won't be coming back." "Really? No. I need you to come back. We are down one cashier and another one is already threatening not to come back after her lunch. I need you to be here..." "Too bad, I won't be coming back." "Ok then, whatever." "Whatever, why don't you go blog about it mother fucker..."

He was always so nervous before he went on stage. He'd pace the wings where he'd yawn and burp, preparing himself to grace the stage. It was his bodies way of paving the way.

I gave him a cactus plant, a gift to me from my brother, a gift I gave to him.  In faith I brought it to him, believing his place would be a place for it to grow. After all, how hard is it to keep a cactus alive? It would have died there, so I took it away. Now, two years later it thrives, more than a foot tall. I had to take it away after all. Just as I had to take myself away. We both would have died there.

"Isn't it sad, Ryan... We live in a world where funerals matter more than the person who died, and we all seem to want to remember them when it's too late. And a world where a weddings matters more than the love that exists between two people, and where physical features matter more than the intellect someone has. We live in a container culture, which looks at the package and despises the contents..."  

Every night, he made up his bed, his nest, his perfect little cocoon. He'd shake the sheets out in the air and lay them flat and straight, pressing them down just right. Then he'd layer on another crisp, cozy layer down on top of the others. Next he'd arrange all the pillows with delight, knowing he'd soon be nestled safely within his perfectly arranged and only slightly deranged cozy little cocoon. Where he'd wiggle down for the night.

"You've got cool charisma Ryan, you really do. I was watching you from a distance and boy how you ooze with cool charisma..."

 "You'll heal. Your healing will happen when you learn to speak what matters most, so you are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting yourself be seen and known for who you really are. I can see who you are, and you are beautiful. I wish you could see you the way I see you..."

He found himself in the depths of sin, Deep down in the darkest of sins. It was there that he found himself, There in the dark, In the darkest of sins. He saw himself for who he really was, He wasn't the depths, Or the darkness, Nor the sins. He saw through it all, Through the dark depths, Through the sins, From beginning to end. And he forgave himself.  R.L.J.

 "I'll probably always have one foot stuck in sadness, while the other foot is in the doorway to happiness. There are parts of me that dance in the sunshine, while the other parts drown in the rain. I am the one in the room who laughs the loudest while grief stings and pulls me backward. Don't try to pull me one way or the other, because one cannot. I exist simultaneously happy and sad, and at any given moment either one can take hold. One side cannot exist without the other..."

"Did you just see that guy come through here, all arrogant and judgemental, like he owned the place? Did you see how he looked down his nose at me?? What a douche knuckle...!"

I was in the garden with my mother. The day was hot, I was sweating. My hair was long and I was young. I smelled of young sweat and faintly of a cigarette I'd smoked a few hours ago. I had a freshly pierced ear, with a single bead half way up my lobe. My mother paused, then gasped. "Oh, my. What is that? You don't want people to think you're..." She didn't finish her sentence. She'd meant to say, "gay..." A word she never dared to say.

There was a night that had a thousand eyes, and the day that had just one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

"I find myself feeling lonely, when I'm in a room full of people, sometimes surrounded by people that I love. Why do you suppose that is...?" "Loneliness doesn’t come from having no one around you. It stems from being unable to communicate the things that are most important to you. Loneliness is rarely about empty rooms. It's about holding onto words you cannot say and truths you do not feel safe to share..."

He was a gay young Nazi boy. His blood was pure, his complexion fair with abundant white hair. The world was his and his future seemed brighter than the sun. Until the sun set one night and his lusty desires got the best of him. His attention turned to another young lad, one he wished he had. When his affections weren't returned and the boys clashed by night, that gay young Nazi boy was beat to death and hung out to dry in the pale moonlight.

  Ryan, Carolyn & I were thinking it would be fun for us to have some drinks Thur. night or tonight. You should call me from the payphone. ------> Please call even if it's to say you can't make it. We just think it'd be fun. Luv Always, Amy & Carolyn I love you son! MOM P.S. Shakespeare & Ryan Rule!

Ryan, I am very sorry that, that picture made you think I was mad. It didn't have to do w/ you but w/ my own insecurities & how bad I feel about myself these days. I'm sorry about how me having trouble dealing w/ my situation right now ends up w/ you thinking I'm mad or you being mad at me. Ryan you have been a great friend & I want to thank you for being there as much as you have. I don't want there to be any tension or stress between us. I know lately I have caused there to be. I also know life is short & how friends can come & go. I will make a promise to you that I will enjoy life & think positive if you try to do the same. Ryan, I want you to remember that I will treasure our friendship & love you always. You mean a lot to me. Thank you again for being such a good friend. Luv always, Amy :) XOXO 

He couldn't stand the silence, the quiet, the feeling of being still or alone. So he crafted background noise, to keep him distracted. Distracted from the silence, the quiet, the feelings of being alone and still. The background noise was there to keep him from himself. 

  Ryan, I thought I'd write to you because it's nearly impossible to call you. I understand you are in school & have no phone & no wheels, I'm very proud of you for the school thing, I hope u are enjoying it. I'm doing well, still adjusting. I found a job at Pizza Hut, not the greatest but it's money & the people are nice. I work w/ a guy from Shoshoni & a cute guy named Patrick who makes me laugh. I've met a lot of my cousins friends & they all seem nice. We had a party & it was fun, she has a friend who reminds me of Josh, only straight - except he painted his nails - his name is Nate. I'm sending you a pic of my cousin, our puppy & trailer, it's nice. I'm hoping you will write back & send them back to me - I also have pics from Much Ado About Nothing. I might come for break in Oct. - it all depends on if I can't go to Minneapolis to see Nicky. My parents are moving to Douglas so I might have to see them. I'l...

  Ryan,  I'm writing because I haven't heard from you & just wonder why. I understand that you are busy w/ school again, maybe you don't have stamps & an envelope (so I sent an addressed envelope). I'm just asking for a response to my last letter. Also since being here I've given thought to how immature I used to be, and wanted to say now I truly understand how hard I used to be to deal w/, & you were great to still talk to me after some of the fits I threw. I have found a confidence in myself being here that I never knew I could have. It is a good thing & I would like to know how things are w/ you. I'm sorry things couldn't have worked out better when I was there but then I didn't have much control over that. If you are mad at me too you can tell me & I'll leave you alone, but I still would like to know. Hope everything is good. Your pal, Amy

 I want to scream  I want to cry I want to run  I want to die I want the truth I want to know What made her say things so I want to try I want to live I want to fly I want to give I need to hope I need to play I need to not  These games play I hope it ends This pain I feel  I hope again  I can be real I hope to love And be loved in return  I hope someday She does learn To love herself  To love and cherish To find her smile  And happiness cherish I hope she finds peace within I hope she holds And doesn't give in.  I do love her I can't deny With every tear  That falls from my eye Each slice Each cut Each wound that widens Like a rose with thorns  My grip just tightens  It's grown so much  It blooms so bright It comes from manure  Then treated just right Outward beauty And fresh scent too But with it comes pain A thorn or two.  J.M. From a friend, about a girl he loves.

I fell in love with words when I was very small. I soon realized that there was nothing in the world as powerful as words. When spoken, words were wonderous and wieldy. Then I learned to write, and words became even more wonderfully powerful. I would write on the page, gaze upon the words and they would begin to sparkle and shine.

 He sat naked in the bathroom, upon his favorite chair, with a book open in his palms. Calling upon arch angels with ancient names printed in a book.  Calling upon them to answer his prayers and make his dreams come true.

"Hey Ryan, nice new glasses. You look like a nerdy smart guy who has a new found appreciation for jazz music..." "Thanks mister man. Turns out I have really good insurance, and since I'm getting another promotion I thought I'd get a real boujee pair with all the bells and whistles..." "They are nice and also somewhat sexy..." "Ah, you flatter me too much... The sweet lady that fitted them out for me told me that this pair was my training bra pair, and that my prescription would only increase from here. She's a real sweetheart."

"I need you to play this role straight Ryan. You've got a tendency to be slinky and seductive, snotty and slight, but only slightly gay. However, I need you to take the gay away. Keep all the rest of that, but cut out the gay... Okay...??" "Yes sir, whatever you say..."

Steven,  I hope you remember me one day, and recall the love that we had. I hope you recollect me fondly, and maybe even miss me, if only for a moment. Because the love I had for you was pure, and the trust I put in you was great, and I don't even hate you for throwing it away. I don't even hate you for breaking me, because I know it broke you too. You were broken to begin with, and I just wish that you hadn't used me as an emotional crutch. I was worth more than that. I was and am a living, breathing human being, with a beating, compassion-filled heart, one that was prepared to accept you, imperfections and all. But it didn't work out, and we have both moved on, but I do still remember you. I could never forget a love like that, no matter how badly it ended. Ryan

"We can't always go running to Daddy about things like this. Sometimes we can resolve these matters before taking it all the way to the top..." "The top. Isn't that funny? Daddy is the top and Mommy is telling me to not bring it to Daddy's attention..." "Well, there's one whiny baby boy around here who loves running to Daddy..." "You must mean me...?" "No. You aren't the only baby boy around here..."

 It was brutal the amount of times his fingers had tapped the surface of his lifeless screen with the ache to reach effortlessly into the pulse of another human being. And yet he sat there, once again...

Click and Clack once pretended to know each other.  Until Clack figured Clicks' shit out. And then Click was done with Clack.

"Ryan... you were never taught how to feel. You were only taught how to suppress. You will meet the real you when you learn to sit with your true emotions without judging yourself. You don't need to become a different man. You just need to become the man you were before the world taught you to run from yourself..."

 "Face your fear, Ryan. Face your fear and it will disappear..."

I held on to your sunglasses, kept them in my car. Wore them, fondled them, thought about how once they danced so sweetly on your face. Where the eyes that once loved me played their games. I wore them when I floated the river, the river we once floated together, where I got a wicked sunburn. I took those sunglasses off and tossed them into the river, where they sank to the bottom, lost to the water, where once I lost my heart to you.

All of this, All of this, All of this.  It's come from a place, A place of chaos, But also a place of truth. RLJ.

 Boy do you ever, Have the powers, The powers to destroy, Or the powers, The powers, The powers to, To populi. RLJ.

"How do you come up with some of these bullshit blogs Ryan? They are so off the wall ridiculous and absurd..." "Well, most of them are just imaginary fabricated scenarios that dance through my head in the middle of the night. Nothing more and nothing less..."

All their words revealed who you really were, all their words were against you. All their words told me a story about you that I learned the hard way. I saw through you, just as they did. Sad story told through the eyes of everyone who ever knew you. Sad true story. A story I had to tell about you, even though I didn't want to. 

 He filled his life with empty things. Things that distracted, things that took him away. Things that kept him away from things that really mattered. Empty temporary things, things of passing pleasure, things that could never last. Empty things.

"You make me feel good Ryan. Like no one ever has before. There's something about you that takes me deeper inside myself than I've ever been before. It feels dangerous and beautiful at the same time..."

"These are difficult and frightening times. It seems that the world is tearing itself apart and no one cares about each other anymore. The world is divided and it seems we may be facing another world war. It's hard to believe that anything will work out in a world like this..." "There's so much power in believing that everything will work out even when you don't know how or when. You just believe that it will. Therein lies your power."

The red bedroom laid silent, Full of secrets, Deep and dark secrets.  Disturbing secrets, Dark and disturbing, Secrets better left, Better left to the night. Better left to the dark, The dark red bedroom, Late in the night.  R.L.J.

The blue bedroom was his and not hers. And never was his to disturb hers. The blue carpets and blankets were laid and displayed as hers and hers alone. The blue bedroom laid undisturbed. His alone.  Undisturbed. 

"Don't you miss him? Don't you regret leaving him? Don't you wish you still had him in your life??" "I can miss him, regret leaving him and still wish I had him in my life. He was a beautiful mistake, that is all. My, what a beautiful mistake I made, too..."

He came in the room tall, He cast his shadow long, He came acrossed as small. We all saw him for what he was, A tall man, With a shadow long, Yet a small man, After all. R.L.J.

She, out of utter revenge, took his children far away. To a place where she thought she would give them a better life.  And she did. Until she realized that the life she had given them was void of the father that created and loved them. But it was too little too late. He bore her so much hate.  Far little, far too late. And so much hate. Too late. 

 She was his micro managing Mormon Mom. She'd pop up whenever, just like Endora on the sixties witch sitcom Bewitched. She'd arrange and play the part, passive aggressive and unsuspecting.  Yet she'd stir up mischief just to leave again, playing ever the victim. She was just playing the clever witch, yet always the bitch in the end.

Lucille Ball danced across the screen before him. He loved her so. She made him laugh when laughter saved his life. She danced her way into his heart. She saved his life.

 Ryan, I see you best when I'm asleep, where promises are mine to keep. You hold my hand and say you stay, and dawn does not steal you away. In waking life, you walk ahead, and I keep words I should have said. You smile at me but not for long, then fade into another song. In dreams you're mine, in truth you're gone, yet both feel real at break of dawn. I let you go a thousand times, but still you live in silent rhymes. Only in my dreams. Victoria 

"You are an empath, Ryan. You pick up on the emotions of others. Their hidden energies, behaviors and personalities. And when you pick up on those you can project those energies back to their rightful owners. You reflect back the truth and the energy even when the person is unaware of what they are projecting..."

It's still you, It was always you.  Still you, You I think of, You I dream of, You I wait for, You. I was always you, But you never knew. R.L.J.

"You said you died that day, the day you walked away...?" "Yes, in a way, you could say I died. Inside a piece of me died. The piece I gave him. It had to die, and I had to walk away..." "Interesting..." "That piece still haunts me. Some days it drives me mad. Like a chunk of my heart is out there walking around without me attached..."

When I was younger my father would say, "You are older than the sun, my son..." "What does that mean, I do not understand, please explain this to me...?" "Well, you see, you've existed for eternities. You are older than anything, older than here and now, older than the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars. Once you understand that, you'll realize how precious you really are..."

"I felt as if there was this long, deep buried current of hate that lived inside of him, always bubbling under waiting to explode. If I could harness that hate into electricity, it would light up the entire world. That's how intense he was. Perhaps his love burned that hot, too. But the hate, I couldn't ignore that, it was far too dangerous..."

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. I get to do that part. Delicate little nibbles all over. Love you! ❤️💙💜💚💛 Good night sweet man of mine. I hope you sleep the best tonight. I wish you were here to nibble and bite me. Sleep tight. I love you! 💋 ❤️ 💋 ❤️ 💋 

My first bullies should have been the ones I met in high-school. Instead they were my relatives, my brother, my cousins and my supposed male friends.  Long before I knew what bullies were. Then the real bullies showed their true faces, and made disgraces of all the bullies that came before. 

You tried to make me sound like I was crazy, like you did all your exes. Now I understand why. You played on their hearts, like you did mine. You promised the world in forevers on wine stained lips. Then morning came and it was as if your soul had left your body to allow the demons to tell us that everything you ever said was never true. You spoke in two different languages, one that bound my spirit to yours and the other that had no remorse in the lies that came out of your mouth. Of course you feel crazy when one minute you're planning your life together, and the next not knowing why everything has felt like a lie. So this is my last goodbye.  Ryan

 "Hey Ryan! Have you heard of the new fragrance they are creating for anti-social people? I think you'd like it..." "No, I haven't..." "It's for introverts and it's designed to keep people away. You just spray it on once a day and it keeps annoying people at bay..." "What's the name of it??" "It's French, it's called LeeMee Defah Cologne..."

He laid down to disappear, There on the earth, He rested his head, Softly on his arms, Surrendering to the night. Then something green, Something unseen, Began to bud and bloom, From deeply within him. R.L.J.

Dear You, I need you to retain that same energy and distance you comfortably did when I was struggling. I need you to remember all the times I was there for you in your darkest hours and how you turned a blind eye to my world crumbling. I urge you to own your decision and lack of compassion and remain seated from a distance. I need you to understand I will never allow those who made me feel insignificant a seat at this table now that I have found my feet. I promise, I will never allow you back in. I do not hold space for the insincere. I do not have time for opportunists. My discernment has sharpened, and my conscience is clear. You chose detachment with confidence before everything turned on its head. Stick to your decision. I don't want anything you're offering now. You know who you are, Ryan

Ryan, I needed to do something besides watch T.G.I.F. (now a depressing Campbell's Soup commercial is on.) So I decided to write you a note. (I'm also writing you one cuz you wrote me one too.) I'm so glad I have you to talk to when no one else is around. I'm sorry if I was complaining too much, it's just that I was really hurt by David being mad at me. (I absolutely hate it when anyone is mad at me & lose sleep over it.) Then Nikky saying how she wanted a break from me & she couldn't spend every minute with me. It made me feel unwanted, annoying & worthless. I don't know, maybe I'm too sensitive, do you think? I'm glad you're not sick of me yet & I'm so glad you stayed after Jeremiah left. I better go, hope to see you tomorrow.   Your friend,           Amy P.S. I'm a bear

Ryan, I know I've apologized for the way I acted last night & that you've accepted. I'm thinking I need to talk to a counselor or someone. I don't think I'm fully facing up to how much the loss of Matt has affected me. I thought I could handle it on my own, but maybe I can't. I don't want to put my friends that are around through what I did last night. You have been there but I know I can't ask so much from you. Just because I don't feel social right now doesn't mean you can't & you shouldn't be. You might not believe it but I don't mind you going out w/ other friends, it's good for you. If things don't get better by the time school is out I might have to go to Montana, but I don't know yet, I know I need time & thank you for bearing w/ me. Luv always  Amy :) 

 Sometimes I feel, that my words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I feel, that you don't feel, how much I care. I know you are hurting, it makes me hurt too. Please don't walk away. Don't turn from me, while tears threaten. I would never, walk away from you. To Ryan in hopes that he will let me in again

Ryan, I'm writing just to let you know that I do care about you. I don't want to make you mad or anything. You say I haven't & I hope I don't. I just want to enjoy the time I have left to spend w/ everyone, that is all. I understand you are busy & stressed & I'm not trying to add to it. Because I'm busy & stressed also & I don't want to add to mine. So please remember I care about all my friends. And hope we can spend a little time together before I leave. Well that is all I have to say, I'll see you when I see you & take care.  Your friend always,      Amy :)

Ryan, Just saying hi. Call me sometime, sorry about last Sat.  :) - Amy (856-4985, just in case u forgot) 

 He'd met the cuff, The cuff to his fist. He was the cuff, And he was the fist. The fist hit the cuff, And the fist resisted.  R.L.J.

"You've lost people. You've lost things. You've lost so much. And when you lose someone, or something that means ever so much to you, your heart and your psyche wants to replace that with something else. Addicts replace those losses with drugs, in either one form or another..." "You aren't telling me something I don't already know, Doctor Dorothy. Tell me something that will actually help me, please!?" "You need to replace the drugs with something else, with something you can love, with something constructive, something that gives you purpose. You need to replace the drugs with something that makes you feel good..." "I understand. Yet I fear that nothing and no one could ever make me feel as good as the drugs do..."

It's a proud, and yet sad moment in American history. When we have all witnessed an infantile tyrant of a man attend his own sad, pathetic birthday party, complete with a military parade set to intimidate.  When the rest of the country gathered together in streets everywhere to say, "Enough!" And history will go down to tell that America will have no kings, not here, not now, nor not anywhere. They gathered together in streets everywhere, to say, "We're here, and you are not a king, and you are not enough..." While the poor pathetic self proclaimed savior Trump slept in a drug induced nap to an empty street, and no crowds at all...

And just like that, Overnight, While ignorant men slept, World War Three began. An ignorant western pig, Looking to the east proclaimed, Let's begin and end this thing.  R.L.J.

  Ryan, I'm not gonna be able to ask you this today cuz I have play practice and u work. But do you wanna go see Titanic w/ Mark & I tomorrow night? Please say yes. It will be the last weekend I'll be able to do anything for a while. I want you to come w/ us. I'll call tomorrow & see if you'll come. Please do. You can live w/ Mark for one night, & Titanic is supposed to be WAY cool. Talk to ya later,          Nancy

  Ryan, Hey buddy! I got to thinking, and I remembered last year's prom. I was scared because someone told me that they had stopped ordering flowers, and I hadn't gotten Eric's boutonnier. I went down with Rae, and we got it, but I'm not sure I would have if Sister Chris hadn't been there. But anyway, the point is that maybe we should do the flower part sooner. Can I take you to lunch tomorrow? The tux may take awhile, so we can do that on Saturday still. Will that work or not? Well, gotta go. Write back or talk to me or something. Love,         Nancy B. P.S. Don't be scared about prom. Everything will be great, and I promise not to eat you. I'm excited. You being my date, that means a lot to me. More than you realize.   

Ryan, Hey buddy! I was wondering if you know if you can go to Thermop on Friday. We are meeting @ Rae's house @ 11:00. Tell Mark if you can come, or give me a quick call. This will be one of the last trips together. The "Seniors Only" trip for the buddies of the class of '98. Especially since some of us are leaving in June. Well, gotta go.       Nancy

One night after work he brought home a bag of roasted deli chicken. A whole deli chicken, hot, greasy and slick. He sat down on the couch and dug into that bag with all fingers on duty. He tore that bird up, bones and all. Smearing the grease all over his lips as he chewed the tender meat in his ravenous jaws. I'd never seen a man eat like that before, he polished off the entire bird, skin and all. There was something so disgusting, vulgar and animalistic about the whole sloppy spectacle.

 When I fell in love with him, I had no idea that I was also entering into a relationship with his entire history, especially the parts that weren’t healed or unacknowledged.  My love for him wasn’t just about chemistry or compatibility. It was about our nervous systems, our attachment styles and our open wounds. There was an invisible agreement we unconsciously made to keep each other safe in the ways our childhoods did not. I learned through pain that love cannot undo someone’s unresolved fear of intimacy, abandonment, or unworthiness. No matter how big or open our hearts were. We were still protecting ourselves from the ghosts of our pasts, we were each on the receiving end of our own projections. So I stopped trying to heal him by offering more of myself. In fact, I stopped trying to heal or fix anyone but myself. Because it wasn't my job, and honestly how dare I insert myself into his karma and life lessons. That was his work, I could only do my own.  I needed a love...

 He'd just unboxed his brand new Ninja slushie maker. The possibilities were endless. But, we decided to make rhubarb lemonade slushies, with tequila for an extra thrill.  We measured, mixed and poured our sweet liquids into the fresh machine and danced together naked as the maker did the magic, slowly churning the elements together to a sweet slushed perfection.  The patio called our names, where we rolled around in the evening flames, titilating nipples and dinging around with our dandies. Then he let his kink out, which turned into a refreshingly cool experiment. "Swish that sweet afternoon rhubarb lemonade around in your mouth, and then let yourself taste it against my ass..."

"One day, I promise you it won't hurt so much, I promise. But today it does and that's okay. So cry, cry until you can't anymore, cry until you feel better. They may not be worth your tears, but you are. Your feelings are worth validating and your hurt is worth recognizing. Be there for yourself and let yourself feel, because letting yourself feel is how you heal..."

 "After you were used by a narcissist, your self-doubt was replaced by anger. You knew the truth. You saw how you were used, groomed, and brainwashed. You were beyond angry. You wanted to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did. You wanted to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell. You obsessively talked about him with your friends and family. You needed to get your story out there. So you did. There's nothing wrong with that. You were shut up and minimized for too long, and now your voice is finally free..."