gayNwyo

"There is a dangerous anger within me. It's the type of anger brought about by the knowledge that I have a good heart. A tender heart, a heart that's been abused one too many times. I've always had the best intentions with my heart, I've just thrown it in all the wrong places."

He'd let me snack on that sweet ginger hole for as long as I pleased. He was ultra sensitive and loved how attentive I was in bed. He'd let me do whatever I wanted. I was his champion, his champion in charge. Brian was always so sweet with his compliments.  "You eat ass like a champion, Ryan..." That kind of sweet talk only made me hotter. Tender touches and slow loving soon turned into tight embraces and rough rubbing.  "You've warmed me up enough, Ryan. Now I need you deep inside me..." He only had to ask, and I slipped sweetly inside his tight, warm bum. "Ouch!" I cried out. My throbbing cock head had snagged on something sharp inside my sweet Brian. "There's something in there!" "Hang tight...?" He asked, as he hopped out of bed and slipped into the bathroom.  "Ok, sweet man, I'll be right here waiting..." He quickly returned. "Hey, I forgot I baked up some pumpkin seeds last night. I had to fish o...

"He kept waiting." "For what?" "An absolution." "What kind?" "An absolution. An absolution. An absolution. An absolution that would never come."

Since you haven't been in my life, In my life there is a hole. A hole so whole, It's incomplete.  An incomplete hole, That swallowed me whole. A hole without you. 

"We all knew, Ryan. We knew you were gay, every step of the way." "Why didn't you ever say anything? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't we talk about it?" "Because we didn't want to hurt you." "It hurt me more that you didn't say anything, when you knew. When you didn't tell me, when we didn't talk about it."

"What's his face was just in here, your ex, what's his name...?!" "Oh yeah, Steven?" "Yeah, do you guys have something going on or something??" "No. Why?" "Cuz he was all hot about something, angry. Going on about your blog. And he said to be sure to tell you all about it, so you could blog about it." "Ha! He's still reading it! He's still my number one fan! I knew it! I love it!" "I told him to stop reading it, and being a stalker."

You had expectations of me, Expectations I threw out the window. I had to survive you, Who almost destroyed me. I will not give you sacred parts of me, Parts I gave in my past. I'll be free without you. Free to a place, A place I fought for.

"You have to make the choice, the choice to be happy. Happiness is not a result. Nothing is going to make you happy, until you choose to be happy. No one will make you happy until you decide you're happy. Happiness will not come to you. It must come from you."

Good bye, sweet Ryan.  I'm not quite sure how I went so wrong, but I care about you. Too many double, triple signals for me to deal with.

"This life I'm trying to keep together is going to break me." "Why do you say that??" "There doesn't seem to be a point anymore. Why am I doing all this? What am I working towards? I've got no hope in anything I'm doing. I always feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one more step may be my last."

One day he finally knew what he had to do, and began. Though the voices around him kept shouting their bad advice. Though the whole house began to tremble and he felt the old tug at his ankles. ‘Mend my life!’ each voice cried. But he didn’t stop. He knew what he had to do, though the wind pried with it's stiff fingers at the very foundations. Though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as he left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice. Which he slowly recognized as his own, that kept him company as he strode deeper and deeper into the world. Determined to do the only thing he could do. Determined to save the only life he could save. His own.

"If he was a man, he wouldn't have sat there and watched me pack my things and let me leave. He would've fought for me. He wouldn't have let me leave."

You still mean the world to me. You're my whole world. Are you my whole world, too?

I was always seeing, Seeing double.  Seeing double, Double with you. Seeing my double, My double in you.

Another blog post, Just because.  A blog post, Because of you.  A blog I created, A blog just for you. You fool you, You fool, you!

"Let's dig in, shall we? Let's dig in, dig in to all the dirty things you haven't been sharing with me. If you can be so daring...??" "You're not ready for that. And I'm not ready to share all that. So let's not dare to go there, shall we!?"

"Damn Ryan, I heard you pee just now. You know how to power pee!" I laughed so hard. "Brian, you know how to flatter a man!"

I loved how he remembered that I liked an ice cube in my coffee in the morning. It was hot, and I needed it cooled off just a little. In those days it was about the small things. And he remembered the small things. And that meant so much...

I found a pair of my girl friend's golden slippers once. Feeling somewhat naughty, at the age of seven, I slipped them on. They felt so right, they felt so tight, and they seemed to fit me, just right. They felt so good. Then she walked into the room. "Ryan! Why are you wearing my golden slippers?!?!" "They feel so good on my feet..." "Ryan, take them off. Boys don't wear slippers..."

We were out to eat. Some male friends and I. We were actors together for a summer, a group of touring Shakespearian thespians.  "Damn!" He says. "You've got some amazing DSL's!" "What's that mean, DSL's???" "Dick sucking lips. Those lips would look amazing sucking a dick..."

He's still kicking around, Kicking around in a small town.  Kicking around, waiting to be found, Found by a man. A man who abandoned him, Abandoned him, In a small town.

I'm sure that dying for someone is highly overrated. We have tainted death into an act of ultimate love. That's all bullshit. Dying for someone isn't anything at all. The man that dies escapes. It's the end, game over. Live for someone, through it all, the anger, the ugly, the pain. That's the ultimate act of love. Live for someone, don't die for them. That's love.

I've got a river of anger inside me, Needing to be released into an ocean far away.  It needs to move naturally away, Yet I need to repress it. Repress it with forgiveness, Block it with false pretenses, Damn it's natural flow! Yet the river turns against itself,  Exploding against the innocent. Misplaced anger against the flow, The eternal flowing river of anger.

RYAN!! I've got some serious diarrhea happening right now...💩 Oh no! Drink some milk, eat some cheese. Please come out! If I do, you gonna hold my hand while I'm screaming on the toilet?? Absofuckinlutely!! Friends! ❤️ 💙 💜 For Life!!!

Oh, they hurt, memories.  Memories of love, they hurt.  Our world was tearing itself to pieces and I didn't care.  Those were truly the happiest days of my life.

"My first kiss was cold, wet, sloppy and sour. In a K-Mart parking lot. Sure, I loved the girl, but it wasn't at all a turn on. It was rushed and unexpected. Then she drove away in her Firebird."

Rita It's almost midnight. I couldn't sleep. I can't stop thinking about you, not that I want to. Part of me does. Forgetting about you is impossible. I'm sending a tape with this letter that has a song that comes the closest to expressing how I feel. I miss you, I miss us. I've changed so much, and I hate it. Sometimes I remember what's happened, what I've done, but more than anything, or anyone, it comes back to you. Why? I wish I knew. It's all crazy how things work out. I keep trying to make sense of everything, why I ever fell in love with you, why we fell in love, why? I looked forward to so much, to so many things, to being with someone who would always be there, someone I could love no matter what else happened. But everything happens for a reason. Rita, I don't want to move on without you, it all seems so pointless and scary. For so long I centered my life around my feelings for you, and now that doesn't mean much at all. Memories, hold ...

I.O.U. - Ryan L. Jevne owes the temptress 'Kinki' for one strip dance. - Must pay back! X_____________     SIGN HERE

Rita, This name doesn't give you enough glory. You're too beautiful, smart, sexy, romantic and fun for a name like that, but hey I love your name. Rita, that name won't ever mean the same to me. Rita Rita Rita. I could write it time and time again. Come back Rita, come back. I miss you so much. But you've got to promise to write me, ya already have, I know, but promise again, just so I know you won't forget to. If you were here with me I'd make love to you for hours, forever and ever. We could dance together, talk together, laugh together and love together. I had so many things to say to you while you were here, but hey, you make me feel so inferior, almost anything I say to you comes out goofy, so that's why I write almost everything down. I'm dying for a letter from you, with your very own handwriting, kissed by your very own lips, please, write back soon. I know now what they meant when they said, 'you never know how much you love someone until th...

Dear Mr. Most, Despite all the chaos we've created in each other's lives, you'll always be the man I'll love the most. The man who gave me the most, the man that loved me the most. The most man I've ever had. Seems almost a joke to say it at this point, but there it is. You're the most! The end. Ryan

Ryan, I dream about you. Sweet, elusive, charming, but just out of reach...

Can't say I haven't forgotten, Forgotten about that man. Forgotten about that man, That I thought forgot about me. Seems he's still there, Still remembering me.

"When I met him I knew that we were twin souls. Souls meant to dance in this life together. But only for a brief time, even though we both wanted forever."

His feet were sweet. They always smelled so sour, Yet so sweet. His sweaty feet, Sweating with heat, So good I wanted to eat. Yet he rarely let me see those feet, Those sweet sexy, Sweet and sour feet.

"He was an angel sent into my life to show me who I was. I did the same for him. When we both saw each other for who we really were, we weren't angels at all, but demons."

"Now that I'm sober I can see him for what he was. He would gaslight me around every corner. Anytime I did something he didn't like or reacted in a genuinely emotional way, he'd turn it around, he'd make it my fault. My reaction to his stealthy abuse was that it was my fault, that I was being too sensitive. His manipulation made me question my perception of reality."

I talked with a man today that was convinced his dead brother was in hell. Simply because of who he loved during his lifetime. I responded by telling him that hell is not real, and that if it is, it's not a destination.  "I believe that hell is a hollow place that is formed in the hearts of those who judge others for a life they couldn't possibly comprehend. Those who condemn others to this supposed hell are the gatekeepers of this hell on earth." He didn't know quite how to respond. So I continued.  "I wish we could build a heaven in the space that is between my life and yours. A heaven where every soul is valued for the rare and perfect thing that it is. Where we are all angels who don't need to polish one another's halos. We all only have so many beats left in our hearts, so why are we wasting a single one deciding who gets to be an angel in the afterlife and who does not? No one really knows what happens when we die, who are we to decide? We shoul...

"He's always had a loose screw or two. Too many loose screws to keep him too, too together." "Yeah, and he didn't have all the tools to put himself back together, the poor screwed up fool!"

"You've fallen so far from grace, Ryan. You're in the depths of sin. You're a homosexual. God and all his grace cannot forgive you of all that." "Then you my dear woman do not understand God nor grace..."

"Sometimes happiness means putting someone else's happiness above yours. If you can see that someone you used to love is happier with another love, and that makes you happy, then that's love!"

"If she comes after me for all the money she says I owe her, I'll be fucked. Literally, she'll destroy me. She'll bury me one day. Then she can explain to the kids that Daddy couldn't afford to live anymore..."

"Hey my love! I came here just to stalk you..." "Well hello there! I was hoping to see you today. This isn't the first time I've been stalked in the grocery store..." "I'd believe that. Hey, speaking of, guess what?!" "What?!" "I saw your ex in here the other day, he came through my lane..." "Oh yeah?! I love stories that start like this! What was he running his mouth about this time, I wonder?" "He was going on and on to some girl he was with about this new guy he was with... blah blah blah. How this guy was too far away and he hated driving so far. The whole time he was looking around everywhere, his head spinning around just like the exorcist. It was pathetic. And all I could think was, 'Ryan's not here you dumb fuck!' It was obvious he was looking for you..." "Yep, that sounds like him..." "He's a pretentious prick. He was so rude, he didn't even say thank you or any...

"In the months after our breakup, I marinated in my misery. I grieved a man that left me with no real explanation. Only that he had emotionally checked out. I just couldn't understand how I could feel everything for him while he felt nothing at all. And the worst thing about it was, he drifted emotionally from me for months and never said anything at all. Leading me on, believing he loved me up until the end. Only to discover he was numb, he felt nothing at all."

"Every great actor needs to know the art of being solitary in public. Public solitide." My acting professor once told me. "What's does that mean, Mike?" "That you can be alone in the crowd. Single in a large group, alright being by yourself among many people. Alone despite the chaos. If you can master that, you'll stand out even when you're swimming around in heaps of humans."

"Small towns talk, Ryan. That's just what they do. Everyone knows everyone's everything. You can't escape it. Reputations are fragile, and sooner or later everyone will know you for who and what you are." "Very true. But I don't care so much about that. I'm the new guy in town, people can love me or hate me. That's none of my business. So far people seem to love me." "My advice is to be careful, and get out if you can. This town sucks!" "Oh, it's not so bad. I find it charming, and most of the people are amazing. I don't plan to be here much longer anyhow. So I'm going to appreciate it while I can."

Latest Grindr Chat: woof Oh yeah?! Oh ya Where are you? In Cody off of Yellowstone rd at wk right now. U Worland  Damn it. I couldn't do that until tomorrow What u into Chubby Daddies with Beards.

I was a gay child.  So I had to live in the land of not. "No you're not!" So I was not that. Until I couldn't help but be that. In the Land Of Not. 

"You're just like a barn cat I had when I younger." He described me after we'd had a tender and tumultuous fight. "How so?" I was curious. "Because you were cute and adorable. I wanted to catch you, but then you scratched me up..."

Ryan, I've had the pleasure of sharing my time with you, on and off the stage. You are a unique and rare man. There were never any walls of defense with you, Ryan. No hesitation at all. Everything I wanted to be, you were, as an actor and as a man. You were wild and free, fully present and without fear, vulnerable and open in expression. An example of frail masculinity, sensitive and furtive as a tender kitten. A soft beast and a doll, all wrapped up in a beautiful package. I've fallen in love with you, but I won't pursue you, unless you ask me to.  I'll always be waiting in the wings, whether in this lifetime or the next. Jonah

"It's just a little small town blog, I didn't think it would be so popular, but it really blew up. It's had over 9000 views since January." "What made you start the blog?" "It started out as fun, a way to share my story. But also to share the shameful and shameless parts of my life. Parts of my life I couldn't share in any other way. It feels so good to get it out there. To share it with the world." "Damn, that's daring! I admire that kind of raw vulnerability and shamelessness!" "It's not all shameless, there's a whole lot of beauty buried in there, too."

There was a little lost boy, One who had something to say. But that little lost boy, No one saw him that way. In one last cry, He cried 'see me that way!' Please see me that way, And stay.

I farted once on the couch, next to the man I loved, thinking nothing much of it. After all, shouldn't I feel comfortable enough with him to let one fly? No. Without a split second thought he was fierce and judging.  "You are disgusting!"  He couldn't possibly have known how much that hurt me. Because he never thought about anything he said or how it flew out of his mouth.

I just got home, hot boy. Didn't hear your message, because the music was pretty loud. Haha. Wow! As far as yesterday afternoon and last night, mmmmm. I don't know where to start and finish. I just need some more Ryan pie! And my 🍆 inside your sweet 🍑 !!! You are amazing. You make me happy, and my heart skip a beat. I can't wait to see you again!

He took one last fleeting glance at the nice little house with the brick fireplace. Things had gone better than he could've possibly imagined. It almost could have been a dream, the most sensuous dream that he had ever had. Spending the night in his sweet boy's bed. Tristan tried to readjust to the bright outside world, as he drove off slowly. He hoped to return soon...

"Men talk in circles, women in straight lines. I prefer the circles, they always seem to come back around to a point, like a train on a track. The straight lines I could never follow, for they went on forever, seldom coming to a straight understandable stop."

I felt you pass through my space tonight, Like a ghost uninvited. A haunting and seductive ghost, I almost gave in and invited you in. But I knew better, Not tonight. 

"I had a dream, Mom." Ryan confessed to his sweet Mother. "Tell me all about it, my dear Ryan." "Brian and I were born together, a thousand years ago, as twin brother's. Then we finally caught up with each other, in this lifetime." "Although I do not believe in reincarnation, I do have to believe in you. I believe you Ryan. Thank you for sharing that."

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? I'm o-kay- But could always be better. College is pretty cool. The environment is a lot more relaxed than high school. I absolutely hate my classes, but the instructors are really neat. So much has happened since you left. You know that older guy, Dan, that worked at the gas station? Well he became totally obsessed with me, and wouldn't leave me alone. I finally bought a can of mace, and Bob had to sit him down and have a talk with him.

Love ya, Mr. Jevne!!! Bring me some sweet weed! Lol ok!! How you be? I'm alive... Is something wrong? No. Just out late with the girls. Got silly high with them. Sorry if I didn't text well last night. It was me, too. I apologize!! Nah. I liked it. You were dirty... I am so excited now. I'm really getting butterflies! It seems so real now! You be so cute! 😍 I hope I'm good enough for you. Can we still snuggle and not rush it? Sweet Ryan! Sure, Sweet Tristan!! 😉

He took me hiking, back into the beautiful Broken Back Mountain hiking trials. This particular one followed a raging river to an incredible series of waterfalls. This experience was spectacular, not just for the scenery alone, but because I was with a man, a man I was so horribly, madly in love with. He couldn't possibly be told enough how I felt. I couldn't put that into words. But I'm sure he felt it, there beside the raging waterfall, where we left all of it behind. It was just he and I, and that raging waterfall. I found it ironic how the pulse of the water as it tore down the rocks seemed to emulate how I felt inside. The raw power and energy of the water somehow translated into the feelings I had in my heart for this man. Such strength and energy. All that water tearing through the rocks was how I felt when I was with him, how my heart felt, blood tearing madly through my body, raging inside just for him. At that moment in time, that raging waterfall was all ours. And...

Eating was one of Brian's favorite things, his whole world revolved around where his next meal was coming from, and he was an exquisite chef. Ryan, on the other hand, was so broke that most of the time he was worried where his next meal might be coming from. But not with Brian. Brian saved Ryan's life, as a matter of fact! Ryan would've starved to death if Brian hadn't happened into his life. Lucky boys they were!  And if Brian wasn't cooking up something tasty and amazing in the kitchen, he would take his Ryan out to eat. Chinese or Tai were the top choices. Ryan preferred shrimp, and Brian, anything with curry. "Here, try some of my curry..." Brian invites Ryan for a taste of the spicy, savory flavors. Ryan sips it off Brian's outstretched spoon. "Mmmm, that's good. Kinda tastes like your butt..." He laughs as he glances around the tiny Tai Chef restaurant to make sure no one heard him. Brian snickered back. "Next time we go out, w...

If you're still here with me, reading all these blogs, Mr. Future Would Be Jevne. Let me tell you something.  All this may be true or false. Fact or fiction.  But one truth will remain the same. I LOVE YOU!! 😉

The language of love,  It's so fucking confusing. The language of love, It should be so simple. The language of love, It means too many things. It's so confusing,  Yet so simple.

"I just want you to let me see inside you. Inside your mind, heart and soul. Once I'm there, I think I'll understand you more. Please, let me go there, Ryan?!"

"Geez Daddy, it seems you need to take charge and decide..." "Give me a chance to love you. Let the walls down. I need to learn the same thing!" "Ok, fine!"

"He was here not long ago. I'm surprised you didn't see him. He said, 'no one here wants to wait on me, you all must think I'm an asshole.' He was looking right at you..." "God, that makes me sad. He's not an asshole. He's an amazing man. An amazing man that made amazing mistakes with me, that's all..." "He's still not over you, Ryan, it's obvious..."

"People respond to energy, whether they realize it or not. They pick up on that shit. It's almost on a subconscious level. We're all built of energy. You burn with that, and people feel you. It's a beautiful thing to see you work that energy. And it's even more beautiful that you don't realize you're doing it."

"You deserve to be treated like a prince. Maybe I'm one of the good guys. If it's not me, then someone will do that!!"

"At a time when I was growing up I wasn't believed about a really important thing. And that meant that when I had other really important things happen to me, that those important things really didn't matter. And so I found it really difficult to open up to anyone about anything important that ever happened to me."

He'd made a decision. The ultimate of all decisions.  It seemed everything he ever tried to do had failed. Everything he'd ever invested his energy into had eventually burned out. Every soul with whom he had connected had abandoned him. All that was ever anything was altogether nothing at all. So he'd made the decision. The decision to run away, run away from it all. To leave this world and all the complications he couldn't tackle.  And he knew that the only way to do that would be to end his life. The only question now would be how to do it.

"I had a dream. A dream I got married. In the temple. To a man." He laughed as we drove by my childhood church.  "He married you, and all that debt?"

There was always a lack of belonging when he was younger. He was always looking for a place where he could belong. He longed for a place. But that place never came.

"He's a whole bunch of nopes, Ryan. I could've told you that if I'd known you sooner. He's bad news and I'm surprised you couldn't see that. Half the town knows him for what he is. He's just like his father. He's an alcoholic and an addict. And that adds up to heart ache and heart break."

He said he needed to be single. And by single he meant he needed to go on a Summer Grindr Road Trip.  Silly Brian. He thought I didn't know.

"So what happened with you and Steven? I thought you two were so right for each other." She asked me in the grocery store. "I don't really know. Things were so right, until they weren't. Things got complicated and misunderstood. He made assumptions. I could've done so many things differently. Maybe he could've too. I wish the fuck that things could've worked out." "Yeah, me too. I remember seeing you both together once. You were glowing and in love. That's a rare thing you know..." "I know."

"I can't remember a time when I felt absolutely and completely at home. No matter where I was or who I was with. It's as if the idea of 'there's no place like home' was always eluding me, always escaping me, always just out of reach."

"I think everyone should have at least one psycho ex in their life. It gives them perspective." "I totally agree. I had a psycho ex. She was really off her rails. Sadly though, she took her life several Christmas Eve's ago. I should have dealt with her differently, she was so tender, but broken, really unstable." "Oh gosh, I'm sorry. That got dark real fast. I was hoping we could laugh about psycho ex's..." "It's fine. If you wanna good laugh, I'll tell you a little secret..." "What's that I wonder???" "I'm someone's psycho ex, ironically! How's that for perspective?!?!"

"So, let's go back to the phone. You seem to be hung up on that... No pun intended. You said he misunderstood everything about the phone. Let's talk about that. How about we start there?" "Right. Ok. When he found out about the phone, he lost his mind. I'd ended things already by then. Months before I'd found the phone. It was in his glovebox after we'd floated the river. It had been there since we broke up the first time. I didn't think it was still active or that he was still paying for it. Why would he be if it were in the glovebox for so long? And also, he said he'd paid it off for me and that it wouldn't cost him a thing because he'd write it off as a business expense. So I just don't understand why he'd accuse me of stealing something he'd already given me that didn't have any value to him at all. He just couldn't see it for what it was. It was my last lifeline and communication with my daughter. But he didn...

"I feel as if I'm burned out. Burned out and giving up. I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I'm stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out." Randy told his therapist.  "It's alright to feel that way. We all get burned out. We all spin wheels. We all feel stuck, and sometimes there may not be a way out. But always remember, you're exactly where you're supposed to be, always." "I do believe that, of course. I'm always where I need to be. But why, why am I here? How am I doing any good here? How am I making anyone's life any better. I'm miserable. What's my purpose?" "You just have to trust that you're here, there's always good, whether you see it or not. And, life is better than you realize. Your purpose is to understand that life doesn't always have to have a purpose, sometimes it just is what it is. And if you're always seeing life for what it's not, you're always going to m...

"Come live with me?" He invited. "Come live with me, where we can be happy and incredibly in love!" "Are you sure you want that with me?!" I asked, uncertain that he knew what he was getting himself into. "Absolutely!" He responded.  Then it turned into a land of our imaginations. Where everything was perfect and a nightmare, all at the same time.

Hey, sweet boy! Just got home in time to read your last story you sent me. I had a great time over at my parents! I hadn't gotten a chance to spend a few hours with them since they got back into town. I liked your blogs! I responded already. Whatcha doing, sweet Ryan? Hey, Daddy! I'm glad you had a great time with your parents. I hope I meet them someday. I'm glad you like my blog posts, they are too deep and revealing sometimes. I'm just chilling in bed. Sleepy. Wine and Three Stooges again. 

"I've got this neurotic need to be loved by a man. It's consumed and destroyed me. It's annihilated every foundation that I've attempted to build in my life. It's laid waste to my soul. And yet it persists. If I ever find that love, it better be worth all the torture and loss that I've gone through to find it!"

He'd spiraled out of control for years. No one noticed, no one said anything. No one wanted to deal with the mess that was Ryan. It seemed no one truly cared. And so at the end of the day, Ryan didn't care either. He'd lock himself away and self destruct, in quiet isolation. The only place he could feel nothing at all, absolutely numb. A place he preferred to be.  For feeling nothing at all was far better than feeling everything all at once.

"I thought he was madly in love with me, but he just wasn't ready. He couldn't love me in the way that I needed loved. He couldn't join me on the road I was on. And for whatever reason, I had to leave. I couldn't ask or inspire him to meet me on my road. I didn't feel I needed to convince him to do the work to meet me on that road. I felt there was a greater love out there, more love down the road I was headed. I knew that out there somewhere, there would be a love that would want to go down my road with me."

"So that's the thanks I get? After all I did for you, after all I gave you?!?!" He was furiously angry.  "You don't deserve my thanks. You did only for me what you wanted for yourself. And you gave me only what you couldn't give yourself."

"Come here, Ryan. Get up here and sit on my face. I need some of that sweet Ryan pie..." He whispered with a low manly voice.  "Whatever you need Daddy, tell me what you want, and I'll do it." I surrendered to him once again, knowing he'd please me completely. 

"How you get me so hot with just words, Tristan, throws me over the edge...!" "I love it!! And I'm flattered!!" "My head is swimming..."

His energy attracted me, My energy attracted him. Our energies danced, Our energies romanced. My energy energized me, His energy consumed him. His energy clashed with mine, After a time. His energy, angry, My energy, fine.

"There's always more than one side to every story. One side and then the other. And then the truth, and all the sides the truth has. Truth is colored and layered and subject to perspectives. It's never just black and fucking white, Ryan!"  That was her direct and fierce response against my pleas for acceptance and understanding.  "So my side is neither right nor wrong, or true or false, but merely open to perspectives and judgment from others? Is that what you're saying??" I asked confused but directly, with an edge of contempt. She never responded. She merely gestured that I leave with her staunch body language alone. So I left, out of a job again.  Another chapter over with no happy ending or closure. Such was the way it was with Ryan. Most relationships, job ventures or other endeavors generally ended up leaving a bad taste in most mouths involved. Closure was not something he was accustomed to. So his only defense in the future would be to shut out p...

He'd reached the end of his rope, the end of all hope. Ryan knew as he stripped off his clothes and sat down on his bed to take another hit of pot that he'd gone too far, once again. He told himself the last time he got naked with a man that he'd never do it again. After all, he was still officially a married man. A man married to a woman, a woman who still loved and trusted him. He didn't care any more. The only time he felt most alive was when he was with another man, at the most intimate of levels. Naked with their bare skin and appendages dancing together in primal delight. At least this last time was with someone he knew. Someone much like himself. They had gone to school together, grew up together, went to the same LDS church. He was a married man, too. With children, too. Not out yet, but fiercely repressed and in need of physical attention from a man. We met one dark night. It was raining heavily, and he invited me over. We drank beers and smoked on the back por...

It's funny what happens when you let go, When you let go and say no. Even though that letting go is rough, When you knew you'd had enough. The letting go and the saying no, You knew that was the only way to go. Funny how the letting go felt so wrong, Yet so right, right where you belong.

The dirty/exhibitionist side of me likes that you use our real names in your blogs! I know, right?! Who's this Tristan guy they're all asking me... What do you tell them? He's an enigma. A mysterious man. He's a hot Daddy with a fat D. And, he really seems like a serious man. I'll take that! Nice charm, Ryan!! I'm a charming psycho, watch the fuck out!!! No, I don't think you are, but thanks for the warning! 😘 If a psycho, at least a charming one! Tank half full baby! Ok, don't say I didn't give you fair warning... 😊

My Ryan, My Ryan! Tristan stomps feet! And no one else's Ryan! 🤣  Let me tell you a story about my boy Ryan. He's sweet, funny, attractive, animalistic, intelligent, and hot. 🔥 I feel like I've known him indefinitely longer than the two and a half weeks we've been messaging and texting one on one, but I think he picked up on that already. When I messaged him the first time, I found that he had messaged me a few days before, inquiring how we knew each other! He ignites me, but I think he's picked up on that... My Ryan!

Brian and Ryan had spent the afternoon watching Anime, Brian's favorite, and a classic film, Ryan's favorite. They took turns, it only seemed fair. They each had unique tastes. Brian loved comic books and cooking. Ryan loved classic television and films, and eating Brian's cooking. Two men so deeply in love. The afternoons turned into evenings, and the evenings always led, sooner or later to the bedroom.  Bare, save for socks, they slipped under the sheets. Brian laid back and let Ryan do his thing. Brian was passive, trusting and tender. Ryan was a bit of a tiger, snacking on bits of Brian as the sheets danced around them. They kissed sweetly, then deeply. Ryan rubbed his face in Brian's ginger chest as he worked his way below. Brian purred as Ryan buried his face in his favorite place.  After Ryan had cum intensely inside Brian's sweet bum, they looked up at the ceiling together, high on post orgasmic bliss. Brian let out a deep sigh, after breathing in the air ar...

You write like an angel,  An angel fell from heaven. An angel doomed to hell, How the hell do you write so well?

He was always hidden, behind his curtain, his curtain, his curtain of uncertainty.  He felt safe there, behind his curtain. Safe but somehow uncertain, there behind his curtain. His curtain of uncertainty.  Then he tore back that curtain, that curtain of uncertainty. He was raw, exposed and vulnerable, yet certain. Then he burned that curtain, that curtain of uncertainty. 

"Your Ryan. Your Ryan," Rob said with a smirk that begrudged the laughter lurking not far beneath the surface, his eyes rolling at the mention of Ryan's name again, yet still looking amused. " Tristan, have you told him how into him you are?"  I thought for a second. We'd been through this before, Rob and I.  "Yes, Rob. I feel like I've told him everything, but I don't want to push him away."  Rob replied, "Do you think he understands that?"  I said, "I think he does. But I'm trying to strike the right balance. Interested, but not a stalker."  Rob shook his head as he gently patted me on the shoulder. "Hopefully, he gets that, Tristan..."

One year ago yesterday, all my heart walls came down, in a small Wyoming town. With a man I was so deeply in love. We'd later say that we would never talk about that day again. It was the day we ate a peanut butter cup together. He one half and I the other. We'd spent the morning soaking in the world's largest hot springs. I sang to him in the sauna, we got frisky under the water and peeked at each other in the shower, naked and hanging free.  We made mad hot, fierce and passionate love in a dimly lit bedroom and bore our souls and committed love to each other. I fell asleep, sweaty and extremely satisfied. He went to the office to get a few things done. Then something horrible happened. The world closed in on me. I felt a terrifying sense of dread, as if I was on the edge of death, like I could die at any moment. The peanut butter cup had opened me up, and all the feelings I hadn't let myself feel for a year or more came flooding out, spilling into my mind, heart and s...

"I've got a dirty blog." He told him. "Oh yeah? You look like the  dirty blogger type to me." They both laughed together.  "It's not just a blog, it's pieces of my life. Things that have happened to me. Things people said and did. It's deeper than you might think. The dirty stuff is just extra icing on the cake." "Send me a link..." He said with a wink. 

"He just didn't understand what I meant when I said I love you. He didn't take me serious the entire time. He thought love was built on superficial, temporary and materialistic things. Things that meant nothing. Things that could never last. The love I had to give was everlasting, given with my entire heart. In the end that love wasn't good enough for him. It was all about what he gave me that he couldn't get back. The love I gave him I couldn't get back. Nor did I want it. He could keep it."