The Day I Died

One year ago yesterday, all my heart walls came down, in a small Wyoming town. With a man I was so deeply in love.

We'd later say that we would never talk about that day again. It was the day we ate a peanut butter cup together. He one half and I the other.

We'd spent the morning soaking in the world's largest hot springs. I sang to him in the sauna, we got frisky under the water and peeked at each other in the shower, naked and hanging free. 

We made mad hot, fierce and passionate love in a dimly lit bedroom and bore our souls and committed love to each other. I fell asleep, sweaty and extremely satisfied. He went to the office to get a few things done.

Then something horrible happened. The world closed in on me. I felt a terrifying sense of dread, as if I was on the edge of death, like I could die at any moment. The peanut butter cup had opened me up, and all the feelings I hadn't let myself feel for a year or more came flooding out, spilling into my mind, heart and soul. Most of it was beautiful, but some of it was terrifying. 

I had to escape those emotions, harsh, raw and devastating. I felt as if I'd rather die then experience them, they were that extreme. My heart was being torn open and all the mess that I'd held in there was threatening to kill me. I was desperate, and went to the man I loved to ask for help.

"What do you need?!?" He asked me desperately after hearing me explain to him the way that I felt. As if I was dying, as if my heart was under attack.

"Walk with me." I said.

We walked. We talked. He was there for me, and that meant everything. I couldn't escape the emotions, however fast we walked and talked. 

I spiraled for hours, in and out of the house, on and off the bed and the couch. He could feel what I was feeling, but he felt helpless to help me. I had to ride it out, and I did. All the while, he was there for me.

When I came out the other side, hours later, I was fried. My mind, heart and soul had been wrenched inside out. All the shit that was in there was processed and dealt with in a matter of hours. The walls I had built up inside of me had all been torn down. 

Torn down to prepare my heart to fall deeper in love with the man that had shared a peanut butter cup with me.