gayNwyo

We both laid there on the linoleum for what felt like weeks. I'd imagine this came pretty close to how hell would feel. That feeling of hopeless despair and chaos. Things going wrong with no one to blame but us. I had a heart-to-heart with the Devil - or God, whoever might be out there listening, and asked him to take it back. We'd made a mistake, and we both knew it. We cried til we couldn't cry anymore. There comes a point when one is drained and void of emotions - numb to everything to keep from going insane. All the reasons why this wasn't good for us ran amok in my head. We weren't ready. We weren't prepared. Things would have to change. This would be the most important thing in our lives for the rest of our lives. What would our parents say? The rest of our lives had been decided for us because we let our desires and lusts get out of control.  Weeks later we had begun to come to terms with the facts. It was going to happen whether we liked it or were ready...

I had a dream about you last night, my long lost dear and sweetest love. You died several Christmas Eve's ago. They say it was an accident, but my heart knew better. You'd finally succeeded at ending your own life, as you had tried so many times before. I know, you had gone long and far away, into the afterlife where you hopefully found peace, alongside your mother. You were beautiful and your face shined so bright, when I saw you that night. Death had not changed your sweet spirit or your raw and edgy beauty. Your death made you changeless. You hadn't grown older. It was I who had grown older, and stranger, more bitter and cold. You had come into my dreams to remind me of the man I had once been. The man who once loved you as no other man could or would in your mortal life. I asked you how you had been since I had seen you last, so many years before. You smiled your sweet and infectious smile and laughed tenderly before you replied. You said you had been laying in the swee...

 "I think what you did was brave Ryan. That took some real guts. Standing up to those grocery store bullies like you did. Not everyone could do that. They are two old, miserable men who only want to intimidate and power play people. You wanted to change things here, but I told you on day one, nothing around here is going to change. People here only care about themselves and how other's view them. If you threaten that, they'll bring you down..."

2-13-97 Ryan, Hey! Whatz up? Not much here. I'm just peachy, as usual. I'm sorry your friends don't like me, but I have had bad experiences with all of them. Get me? At lunch you said that you wanted to know what I want from you. Well, I already got it, meaning that what I wanted was for you to admit that you thought there could be more between us. Plus, almost kissing you was great. Speech is cool, and ya I'm gonna stay in it. I'm not going this weekend cause when you told me you weren't gonna go, I told my parents I wasn't and they planned for me to pick up my car instead. Well, good luck and all that good stuff. The Elephant Man is a good piece. You should do it. About Rita, you love her so very much. Don't fight it. She ruined you for all the other girls anyways.  I'll give you your Valentine on Tuesday, unless I come to school early tomorrow. -K- I've gotta go. !Hasta!               Love ya,            ...

  Katie is leaving for Utah tomorrow. Then she flies to Florida on the eighth. Odd. We had dinner with Cameron at the Golden Corral last night. Gorged ourselves. I noticed how much I found irritating about her behavior. And how differently she behaves when she's around other people. And, more than anything, how well I really don't know her. We, or at least I, knew that we were an odd match to begin with. Everybody always told us how good we were together, and what a good couple we were. I see it, but not as much as I want to. I suppose I hold Rita up still, as the supreme example of what I want in a partner. But really, she wasn't good for me at all. Katie is a much better person, in so many different ways. But our relationship is about played out. So, now whatever way our stories end...

Someone came by today who reminded me of you. He had that same sad and wanting, yet unthreatening look in his eyes. He was tender and solemn and subtly direct. I couldn't look him in the eyes for too long. He made me miss you. I miss you. Sometimes I find myself thinking of you. Mostly in the mornings. Of how it felt just to be with you. No words. No activity. Just us. Alone. I miss that. You may not relate, and you may not remember, but I do. I remember you. The silence we shared by the riverside. The gaze that we held through the firelight. The curious glances we broke too soon. The fear and the heat when we stood too close. Wondering. Guessing. Wanting more. Or was that simply my overactive imagination? Was there more to be had, or are some things better left unpursued? Forsaken. Undone. I'll be left with those questions. 

It was evening, the last light of the day had cast a rich red sunset over the valley. There was a peace in the house that he hadn't felt since he had returned from rehab. He was sober, more sober than he had been in several months. His head wasn't clear yet, and the world he used to know outside wasn't worth returning to. He couldn't form a thought and words failed him when he tried. His only real comfort was the darkness under the covers at night, when all was still and quiet and no one was making a sound.  She burst through the door, ever the determined actress, playing a scene as if she was summoned there by the Queen of England for a command performance. She wasn't going to go down without having her feelings heard, and she chose his parent's home as her stage. Her boot heels tapped on the hardwoods as she threw an adorable hissy fit, thrusting hips and snapping neck and pursed lips. Her Disney brown eyes cast her sights on the staircase to the basement. Whe...

 Macy, I have to end this friendship. If you can even call it that. I've told you why. I don't need you or your behavior in my life. You have upset me time and time again. And I'm sure I've done the same to you. So let's agree not to do it anymore. I guess you thought that simply because you moved back here that you could once again come back into my life. How many times have you called me in the past month? Did I answer? How many times have you knocked on my door? Did I answer? And how many times have you thought about me? Count them up and I'm sure they will all add up to one disturbing thing... Obsession. That scares me. I cannot deal with the everyday drama of you. It doesn't do either of us any good whatsoever. I don't think you realize how insane your behavior is and how much I really do not need it, or you, in my life. Please leave me alone.  Period. End of story. Ryan 

 Ryan, I just realized that when I give this to you it will most likely be the last time I see you, so this poem I write should explain and say everything I have wanted to say for a long time. Shadows of darkness fall upon the day. Time slips through the flesh-colored fingers. Words that could never express float through the air. Within reach. Time steals one's very soul and twists it into ribbons of truth. So close, but never to know. The casting light grows dim. It's never too late. ~ Jill Maulik   1998 Wherever life may lead you, may you go with a song in your heart! Keep on truckin' So, you've graduated, and I'm, like, all "new hat size for the mondo brain." You must know, like, everything! I'm really proud of your accomplishments, but I would advise against too many pictures in the cap and gown -- cardboard and polyester is SO "not you"! Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! I Love You! You'll always be one of my best friends. Ji...

January 13, 1997 Ryan, This is the second time that I'm writing this crap so just deal with it if I have an attitude. -k- I don't remember all that I told you, so I'll just tell you now how I feel. -k- I really, really like you. You are smart, funny and talented. But it doesn't matter how I feel, no matter how much I like you or care about you, I know, cause you told me, we could never be more than friends. You need someone smart and peppy, pretty and fun. Someone not at all like me. I still remember the day Betsy told me that she thought you liked me. I felt like the luckiest girl in school. I remember Rita's birthday when you told me how much you missed her, and how stupid I felt when I told you to go back out with her. You were the first guy I trusted after Bobby, you helped me a lot. The truth is, if you were to ever show any interest in me, I would dump whoever I was with in a heartbeat for you. The past couple months, since I have known you, I have wanted to b...

  Ryan, I can't believe you! I trusted you to keep our problems to ourselves. You always make such a big deal about how you want Sonny and me to stay together, and then you go and let the girl with the biggest mouth in school read notes that are only our business. I hope you're happy, now things are screwed up with Sonny. So if you wanted me out of your life, I hope you're happy. You succeeded!

 "I'm going to venture to say that tied up at the end of all your neurotic diagnoses, namely bipolar, obsessive compulsive, anxiety, depression and nymphomania, there simply must be some PTSD..." "Yes, you'd be correct, Doctor Dorothy."

 Ryan, You asked me once, "Why do people love me?" I'll tell you why... Your energy is what makes people fall in love with you. It's how you make them feel. It is not your body, your money or your looks that make you magnetic. What makes you unforgettable is how you transform the hearts of people around you with your simple presence. That is your energy, that is your power, and that is why people love you. Jessica,     the girl who deserves a chance...

 Dear Ryan,  You're delightful and a real treat to be around, a regular jack who's so down to earth. What you see is what you get with you. No pretenses, no false fronts, no ulterior motives or ill intentions. You're one to say what you're thinking with your eyes, you can never hide behind lies, and your sighs give you away. Although you're an exceptional actor, you shed those roles only to recreate yourself whenever you feel you need to. I suspect you've got some secrets and perhaps you very well could be a demon in disguise. But I seriously doubt the dark side of you isn't just as beautiful as the light side. You're no one's fool and you're fooling no one. You've simply got to walk in any room and your energy speaks for itself. You're one of a kind, and don't tell anyone, but I think my heart might become rather fond of you. Your co-star and backstage stooge, Jonah D.

 "They are saying something is coming. It will be here in late May. It will come from the sky and it will silence communications around the globe. No person or place will not be touched. A strange new illness will appear making the last great flu look like a cake walk. And our illustrious orange Clown in Chief will declare a war upon the entire world..."

Through no fault of his own there were just some things he could not emotionally grasp. When he felt a particular emotion that he found unpleasant it generally manifested as anxiety. If, with the emphasis on if, he let himself sit with the emotion for long enough he would figure it out sooner or later. Usually later. It took him six weeks to understand a feeling he was having in his heart. It was a breaking, soon to be broken heart. He experienced the physical pain, describing it as his heart being run through a table saw. Jagged, raw and festering he let that pain carry on in there, creating an anxiety state that was too extreme for him to navigate. He emotionally checked out as a result. He wasn't a creature that operated based on emotion, he was an intelligent and logical person. His mind got the better of him and it shut his heart down and out. I'd like to believe his condition was to blame, it makes it easier to understand. He was a man on the spectrum on a mission where r...

  SANDI, Your grumpy ass didn't seem to want to function at four in the afternoon, you lazy piece of junk!!! My sister's birthday party is at five, so that's where I'll be til around seven, seven-thirty. Jess Huh called from Lander, she'll call back later. She's gonna go to the derby at the fairgrounds, and was wondering what we were going to do... There's warm chicken!!! in the oven & rolls too. EAT UP! Later HOOCH!!! Luv,  RYAN P.S. Close my blinds at six or before you leave... Thanks!

Ryan, Hope you had a peaceful afternoon.  I love you more today, because you shared your thoughts with me. I am here. I will always be here for you. I am proud of you. You are a strong man with an incredible understanding of what makes your life better.  I love you, Your Tom Cat

Ryan,  I found this mantra, actually it found me. I was thinking of what I could do to help you and my phone dinged and this came up. It is a Buddhist mantra to help find inner peace, strength and harmony.  I am not my thoughts. I am the silence beneath them. Everything I need already lives within me. Today I choose presence over pressure. I am letting go of doubt so life can flow. I release the need to control. I hope it helps. I don't know what else I can do, but to love you with all my heart and soul.  Tommy

  Dear Ryan,  I want you to know that I see you. I see the pain you've carried when no one was there to support you. I see the confusion, the moments when you felt small and alone, wishing someone would just hear you. You were so brave, even when everything felt like it was falling apart. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you back then. I was young, afraid and vulnerable. I didn't know how to be the strength you needed. But now, I want you to know that I see you, truly see you. I honor every part of you, even the parts that you thought were too broken to be loved. You were always worthy of love, even when it felt like the world didn't care. I know you wanted to be heard, to be loved for who you truly are. I want you to heal and to become everything you always wanted to be, before the world became so cold and dimmed that little spark in you, the one that wanted to be your true self. That spark is still there, and I want you to dream again, to feel that hope and excitem...