gayNwyo

"Hey there, Ryan... did you try that thing I gave you...?!" "Oh, you mean the gummy...??" "Yeah!" "No, not yet. I'm gonna save it for the road trip with Tom this weekend." "Yeah, great idea! You're gonna love it! You gonna squish some booty!!!"

There were pieces of him, Left over inside pieces of him. Tiny little pieces of his soul, Left inside the man he loved. Where they became entangled, Trapped forever inside his soul. Quantum entanglement had trapped pieces of him inside him. This brought him immense comfort, For there would always be pieces of each other, locked inside each one.

"When I die, I hope it's like I remember my father carrying me to another room after I had fallen asleep in his lap. Lifted slowly, gently and quietly laid to rest in another room, where I could still hear the life in the other room..."

From the Desk of Dorothy Desdamona Dixson: A subjective yet objective psychological evaluation and analysis of Ryan Luke Jevne. Provided with the intention to diagnose and assist the individual in maintaining a healthy and sober state of mind. All information provided here is observational only, with the intended purpose of supporting him in mental health and addiction recovery. Ryan has stress arising from suppression of physical sexual desires and insufficient consideration from bodily needs, with anxiety from existing situations that he feels are disagreeable. He has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own and to stand out from the common herd. His control of his sensual instincts restricts his ability to give himself, but the resulting isolation lends to the urge to surrender and allow himself to merge with another. This disturbs him, as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome. Ryan feels that only by continued self-re...

"My dear sweet Ryan. Let me tell you some things... They will call you gay because you are. Simply because you were born with the unique gift of seeing things differently than they do. And nothing frightens them more then someone who doesn't see exactly as they do. They will call you gay, because you are. You were born with great worth. You were well placed to allow yourself to feel everything fully and that intimidates them. They will call you gay, because it is true. You have discovered that you are the most precious thing in your life and that haunts them. You will be called many untrue things, with many harsh judgments, for a long time. Remain firm in yourself and in what you believe, and I promise you that one day soon they will call you with happy condolences to say, you are gay..."

I hate waking up alone.  I hate knowing you're still out there existing without me.  I hate existing without you.  I feel lost and alone, utterly alone.  All these friendly faces around me will never amount to one smile of yours.  I'd die for just one moment alone with you again.  Not long, just one moment. 

"She died just a few short days ago..." "I know, and now he is home grieving her, drunk, alone and in utter despair and regret, knowing she is somewhere dead, in another world, better off without him..."

I screamed at him, down a long, dark and empty hallway. "I love you and I need you to love me!!!" He answered back in the darkness. "You know I love you and all I need is to love you..."

Rest well and know I will be with you, holding you close and keeping you warm and safe.  Good night.  Love loving you. Tom

Something in your eyes tells me to jump, yet I hesitate. I can't jump, for I don't see the bottom. How mysterious have you become? Do you have ill intentions? I've this suspicion you feel for me more than you show. What is it you fear? Please don't be afraid of me.

When the truth came out, when you found out I was weak and broken, when there was nothing left for me to give and nothing left to hide, why did you turn away? I've so much more to give now, you probably wouldn't know me anymore. Maybe it's better this way. I'm still looking for the good in this. I can't find any. Why wasn't I good enough for you? I gave and I gave, and I'll continue to give, anything you still want from me. It's too late now, there's no turning back, no more I love you's, no more kisses goodnight, no more outrageous fights. I'll miss it though, all of it, the good, the bad and the bitter. 

I had a dream, I was at my own funeral. People were there who shouldn't have been, strangers I had never seen before. Unfamiliar faces that seemed so out of place, in the space of my after life.  My second bride appeared before me and sang the song I asked her to sing when I passed away. She was bewitching and beautiful, just as she was when I fell in love with her. My first bride appeared before me and signed me a long lost love poem she'd written me, in sign language. She was deaf, and I had never learned sign language in life, but I understood every word she signed. It was heart stopping, just as she was when I fell in love with her.  My first boyfriend came next, face to face with me. He merely pressed his forehead to mine and communicated the deep love he once felt for me, in thought only. He never could communicate emotions easily, but I understood him perfectly in that space. My heart broke wide open. Then came my second boyfriend. He passed long before I did, but he...

Hey Buddy, What's up? Not much here. I am so sorry about what happened Saturday night. I hope you get feeling better, and I hope you'll feel good enough to come to school tomorrow. And I wrote this note to tell you thank-you for buying me dinner on Saturday, that was very nice of you. Well I gotta go now because the bell is about to ring.  A friend always, Celeste Sotelo P.S. GET WELL SOON!

~ Ryan ~ Hey Gilbert! How's it goin? I know it's only been a few short weeks that I've known you, but it seems like I've known you my whole life. You're just a great guy and I will always remember you. You're a wonderful actor and I know you will go far and succeed in life. I know you will and don't let anyone tell you different. I feel that I have become so close to you these short weeks and I'm going to miss you greatly when you leave.  Like I said in the letter I gave Andrea, I will always be here and I will always take time to talk whenever you want. Just call or write, I'm always here. I will miss you, so much!  If you didn't get the note I gave Andrea, here's my address:  311 East Sunset Riverton, Wyoming 82501 307-856-4726 kato@weirdness.com Love and Good Luck Always, Katie Ramsey

Dear "R Boogus", I hope I spelled that right. How are you doing? Dumb question. I couldn't sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at 3:00 A.M. I want you to be happy. Give this broken chika a smile. I know how I can make you laugh... can tickle the poo outta you!   Ryan, I will make no more promises if you don't want me to. But none of my promises are empty promises. I will sing of sunshine when you sing of rain, I will sing of ecstasy when you sing of pain. The biggest mistakes we make are the risks we fail to take. But you don't know what you got til it's gone. Don't give up on me! Love Always, Andrea

"I once spent seven days alone, in complete and utter silence. Except for the sounds that came from my mere existence and essential living, or the sounds that came from my heart and soul. In those seven days I found my eternal serene spirit, one I had known for several lifetimes before......."

"So what are you going to do with it all, Ryan, once you have the fortune you've always desired?! Will you give it all away, or will you run away...!?!" "I'll do both..."

"He would always check mate me... every time he felt he had me played, whether in situation, conversation or raw fucking emotion. He'd check mate me every single time..."

"Have you ever had a locked room you didn't want to go inside, because every time you did, it tore your heart out...?" "Yes. Sometimes I check the door and look inside to see if it still hurts..."

I slid my soft, slender fingers through his shiny silver chest hair, as it shimmered in the afternoon sunlight. We'd both just had our afternoon delight as we lingered in bed until twilight. "I fell more in love with you today, Tom. But, shhh, don't tell anyone... I rarely ever fall in love..." "You sweet, gentle man. Love is a beautiful thing we share with someone who touches our inner being. You have touched my soul. I love you..."

"You've got guts, Ryan, you've got real balls, you know that...?" "Why do you say that...!?!" "Because you've told your story, the raw truth, the good, the bad and the ugly. Not many people have the guts or the balls to lay it all out there..."

 "Hey, look! Here comes Stud Muffin..." "Who...??" "Ryan, you know... That's my nickname for him, Stud Muffin..." "Don't you mean Mud Stuffin...?!?!"

Ryan, If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me. Your Tom Cat

"Dream of me and I of you. We shall meet in the realm of the subconscious. There, we will have never ending peace, love and happiness. I love you..."

"He was here just a while ago asking for you. He said, if you see a guy around six-two, incredible eyes of blue, beautiful smile and a laugh that is so infectious, please tell him he is missed greatly..." "That was my Tom Cat, he's a stealthy, sexy man who never stays in one place for too long. Gosh how I love him..."

Smiles are the great deceiver Shining through the rain So simple So misleading Through my toothy grin You see what you need So false So untrue But believe what you want It makes no difference to me So much pain So much anger My days are long But yours are longer See you when the sun sets So much time In the end

Ryan, Hey, so how's life? How was school? I'm in Dramatic Lit. We're watching a play called Hedda Gabler, we read it and now we are watching it. I like the movie a lot better than I did when I read it. I just talked to Emily about the temple, it was a very interesting discussion. You know don't you that she is getting married? She is WAY excited! O.K. I've just finished all my classes and since I missed lunch and it's 3:10, I'm starving to death! Don't believe me? All I've had today is two glasses of non-fat dry milk and a non-fat homemade roll. (it was GOOD!) You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you, well I just like it! So there! Ha! Ha! Are you going to send Valentine's stuff to Rita! You'd better. I know how it feels to be a loner on Valentine's Day. I didn't mean to be rude this morning when I said that about seminary, I just miss having you in there! I was worried about it after I dropped you off. I hope you don...

Happy Valentine's Day... There's no place like being in my Ryan's arms, I already love you more than anything... ❤️ I LOVE YOU! ❤️  Your Tender Tom Cat 

"So after all this time, what's the total and all defining conclusion you can come to about him...?" "He was a total fuck boy, Ryan. You know that. That's exactly what he was, a fucking fuck boy..." "What does that even mean...??" "It means he had a tendency to hide his insecurities while using lies and manipulative tactics to get what he wanted from you in order to feel happy or at least satisfied, while not truly caring about your well being. And all his selfish personal satisfaction came at the expense of your mental and emotional stability. To break it down for you, he was a fuck boy, or an insecure narcissist, an extremely convincing and charming emotional con artist. He made you feel guilty most of the time so that the games he was playing would be in his favor. You were naïve, gullible, damaged and hurt, so you didn't know the signs. He preyed on your weaknesses. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. He didn't mind fucking you ...

 Ryan, Hey waz up? Not much here. I can't remember if I'm supposed to tell Ali anything? Do you really like her? Do you even know who she is? Guess what? I get off probation on Saturday the 26th. Cool, huh? This Wednesday I will have been going out with Dustin for 3 weeks. You should draw me a picture, so I can hang it on my door in my bedroom. We'll I better go, I just wanted to find out about Ali. You should call Ali for the hell of it. Or you can call me. Well, gotta go.  Hasta Luego  Your friend,  Brandy Write Back 

 Ryan, OK I won't tell Ali anything! What do you think she is ugly or what? I know it wuz a joke but I thought you wanted me to tell her as a joke. Life sucks! Why doesn't your mom want you in the play? Well I'm failing General Science. Yes you will pass. Yep! Your writing is cool. I ain't a little freshman, I'm the best freshman though. Ali didn't think I was telling her the truth when I said I wuz your friend. Then when I wuz talking to you she about shit her pants. Hasta Luego  Love Brandy Write Back Soon

Ryan,  Before you walk away from me like that again, I hope you'll stop and listen to what I have to say, without becoming too emotional. I seemed to have offended you, and I fear I deeply hurt you. I hope that isn't so. If so, I am truly sorry. I don't feel I got through to you like I wanted to. So, I'll write it down for you. You'll never truly know the real impact you have on those in your life. You'll never really know how much your simple presence in someone's life means. A smile from you could change someone's entire day, and maybe the entire course of their life. Your kind heart could change one soul, or one hundred. Don't run away, don't wait for someone to be kind to you first, be kind to them first. Don't wait for the perfect moment or for someone to change. And more than anything, just be you, the authentic person I know you are, and that we all can see. We'll all love you, despite all the fear I can see behind your eyes. Don...

"He told me I wasn't enough, and I believed him. But he was the fool. I was enough, he just wasn't enough for me."

"It just didn't feel right, keeping the cat in a box, with a whole warm house to give her. My only other option was to turn her out into the freezing cold, which didn't feel right either. So I did the right thing..."

 "As I work half-autobiographically and half-fictitiously, sometimes people assume that what I am writing in one hundred percent earnest, when it is really leaning into fantasy or cathartic bombast. So, while autobiographical in origin, my stories are more about blowing those feelings up past life-size, to the point of comedy or tragedy."

I arched my head back in complete ecstasy, as he entered me once again.  A spark alit in the corner of the room. It was me, there in the corner, looking back upon my past self, knowing I was there when I shouldn't be. I knew then and there that I wasn't where I was meant to be. Not there with him, not like that.

 Hey Sugar ~ I just dropped by - it's 4:45pm - to see if you wanted to have dinner, but you are not here, ask me if I'm surprised.  Anyway, you probably won't get this in time to eat - Call me if you feel like it. Kisses, Jen

"Go to sleep, Ryan. Forget today. For tomorrow you see, is your destiny..."

You seem to search for a solid idea, One you can grasp and believe. But why would you search for the answer to you, Where the ideas deceive? The truth of your heart and unwilling soul, Is locked tight within yourself.  And the answer to you will never be found, If your thoughts are not in good health.  You let their words bombard your heart, With relentless and driving power. But no one knows you, The real unknown you, Until your greatest hour. Clear your mind of burdening clouds, Born of others' thoughts.  And there you will find your very own mind, One long ago forgot.  The love that I send in great urgency,  Is pure, true, and whole. But clouds on the brain make you insane, And my love will not enter your soul. I accept this fact with hurt and regret, That my love was blocked by pain. But you will not shrug this alias, So we'll ever have clouds on the brain.

I guess I should confess we'd all be in a freakin mess I need to express all of the stress you relieve from my consciousness  You impress with your nobleness and to this we must profess Hangin wit you is like recess  and that's why we love you PRINCESS  by CMF

~ Ryan ~ A thousand times I said it wouldn't be the same. Yet the passion with which we kissed burned like an open flame. I was tasting the bittersweet  forbidden fruits. And questioning why they were forbidden. That's what I ask you now. Why? In your poem you made me question myself, my beliefs, my feelings. I did. I thought long and hard. Should it be? Yes. Could it be? No. For there has to be two minds, two hearts and souls working together to become one. I don't crave any love, I crave your love. I don't crave a relationship, I crave the feeling that you are there. What you do make me question is would it be right? I get the feeling that you mean age wise. Is that true? I realize that you do not love me as a lover, as an intimate friend, as a soothing partner. So I will try from now on to hide my such feelings. But please don't tease me with your tongue. You already know what happens when you do that. Ryan, I long to lay in your arms, to hold you, to comfort you...

you slit my wrists last night   under the stars in the cold Jagged words tore my flesh   all in self defense I won't pretend to know your mind   what you hold inside crimson drops from my finger tips   puddles on the floor Let me tell you what I want   Before you slit my throat By random chance and happen stance   our lives crossed once again looped around in war torn paths   to where it all began My only desire of you   simple as it seems Intertwine with me on the bar room floor   where our chemistry is best Dance with me throughout the night   Forget about the rest I only want the fleeting glance  A rock and roll fantasy This is what I need of you   Nothing else put down your sharpened pencil   clever crafted words With a double edge you broke my heart   what else can I do? Pools of red now cloud my mind   one last breath perhaps don't think too hard about what this is   or what we are together There is no...

"You look to others to reflect back at you love. You look to others for acceptance. You worry too much. You replay events in your head, over and over. You question everything. You yearn to understand people. You have built up a wall, a barrier, and you let few, if any in. Stress is what you make it. Learn to trust others. Find happiness within yourself, or you cannot reflect true happiness back. Take a deep breath. It is OK to relax. Anger is within you... Find it. Then abandon it. Learn to love yourself, or you cannot love another. Leaking energy is tiring. Think of tomorrow. Never be afraid to change. Carry with you the truth of you, that God loves you. Anxiety attacks, not heart attacks. Traumatic events have happened in your past. You give..."

May 25th, 1996 Dear Ryan, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love you for your sense of humor. I like you for your commitment to God & the church. I like you for being involved in theater and acting and helping. I like you for your patience and perseverance, of course, I love you for simply being Ryan Jevne, Fred and a good guy. Fred, Just wanted to let you know I appreciate you. For being married for thirty years, we still have a lot to learn about ourselves and each other. We always will. Don't ever lose your openness to other people. Love, your friend Star Amsbaugh

Perhaps I was created to be alone, as if my heart wasn't made to fit into another's hand, as if every love I've known was only meant to pass through me, never stay. Perhaps I had been created with cracks too deep for others to fill, and walls far too high for others to climb. I do wonder if I was always meant to be the one who watches from afar, one who loves deeply but is never chosen. I watch the world around me, see how people connect so easily, and I wonder if perhaps something is wrong with me. If there's a part of me that keeps me alone, something broken that can't be fixed. Maybe I was made to be the one who understands but is never truly understood. Maybe I'm just meant to listen but never be heard, to love but never be loved the same way. Maybe my heart was made to hold more than it should, to hurt in silence while the world keeps going, not even noticing. If that's true, if I was meant to be alone, then I just hope I can learn to accept it. Perhaps...

5/20/98 Ryan: Okay, I'm not going to say as much as I thought I was. And don't worry, I'm not going to say anything you don't want to hear. But anyway, mostly, I just want to say thank you for being there for me. I appreciate it more than I can say. You'll never know. Also, since you're graduating this weekend, I don't want to lose touch. That happens a lot. You were there for me, and I want to thank you. I guess the only way to do that is to be there for you. So if you ever need to talk, call me. Or even if not, call me sometime. I promise that all I want is a friendship. And last of all, if I ever need to talk, can I call you? It seems like my closer friends don't really understand anything. So, do you mind? Well, I gotta go. Nikky 

Written on the wall in a train station bathroom stall in 1945 : Here I sit broken hearted, tried to shit but only farted. Someone pulled a hell of a caper, left me here without any paper.  Here comes my train I must not linger, look out asshole here comes my finger.

Ryan, You are the best friend I have and I love you for that and for the incredible man I'm getting to know. I love that you chose me to be in your life right now. There are no words to describe how happy you make me. Tom

"When I say I remember him, I mean that I will carry something of who he is with me, that he has left some mark of who he was on who I am. It means I can summon him back to my mind even though time and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, I will know him. It means that even after I die, I can still see his face and hear his voice and speak to him in my heart. For as long as I remember him, I am never entirely lost."

 Ryan, Hey, Hey sweet thing! How's it goin'? Things aren't too good here. I got your letter. Thanks! I needed that. So I see Venessa told you about Kodiak, sorry I didn't tell you. Hope you're not mad at me! I miss you two, like crazy! I'll come and see you guys soon. Tell Venessa to call me sometime. Oh, by the way I don't blame you for being uptight. I understand. So, how's Riverton? Casper sucks! Actually my life sucks! I can't believe we moved here. There's nothing to do here! I know there's like a mall and stuff but, I don't know. Just when things were going good in Riverton, we moved. Just my luck huh! Well talk to ya later gotta           run                    Bye                            Love,                                       ...

"Hey Ryan, are you feeling zesty today!?!?" "Zesty?!? I guess you could say I am, but what the heck does zesty mean...!?!" "All the kids these days say that zesty means gay..." "Oh. Ok! I guess if zesty means gay, yes, I'm feeling zesty today...!" "You are zesty, Ryan, every day, and I say that in a very loving way. We love you, you zesty gay, you!!" "I'm glad that gay kids today are zesty. When I was a kid I was labeled as a homo, queer, fudge packing faggot... Zesty is refreshing..."

 Ryan, don't mind the back of the paper. I'm saving trees.  I'm not as vain as I seem or as shallow as I act. I don't base everything on looks. I wouldn't associate with half the people I do if I did. I just can't stand looking bad. I'm not depressed okay. I just got that way every once in a while. I spend so much time acting like someone else I hardly know what I'm really like myself. You're sweet, but don't you think your sister would have a cow if I called you?   - I already have your #  I learn things