gayNwyo

We all sat down to watch a movie together.  But mother requested we all bring out pillows.  "Now listen children. Leave your pillows in your laps. But whenever I say, 'put your pillows against your eyes.' You must bring your pillows to your faces and eyes, to cover them..." For there was something upon the screen she wished were weren't to have seen...

 He sat down with an ancient book of magick symbols and spells. Calling upon arch angels of magick to protect himself and his family from foes and forces who may have ill wills or intentions against them. The angels were sent to prevent and protect. Angels of magick had and always would answer his calls. For his needs were great.

"He's still so freaking angry about everything. The phone, the blog, all of it. He still texts me saying he's not over me and never will be. He comes to town to try to run into me at the store. He text me last night, for the final time. I had to block him, I couldn't take his abuse anymore, even though he's so far away. I blocked him and blogged about it. That's how I dealt with it. One of these days he's gonna get so angry his blood will boil, and hopefully he'll throw a blood clot and drop dead..."

 "There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures… dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize love like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise..."

Do the lies wear you down? They must be exhausting. Keeping up with what you tell your friends, family, kids, and lovers. I'm sure it takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Doesn't it always catch up with you? It is impossible to live a happy life like that. Always anticipating when it will fall apart again.   I don't know what lies you are talking about. If you're referring to my blog, some of it's true, some is not, all part of a story I'm glad you're not a part of anymore. I've got more to keep up with than you ever will. Family, friends, children and lovers, my life is full. I've caught up, leaving you behind. I have an impossibly happy life now, happy without you. Things fall apart sometimes, and I'm perfectly alright with that reality. I'm grateful you were the monster you were to me, and that you are so far away from me now. You cannot hurt me anymore. 

 "I don't know if you know this or not. But Margie is some sort of vixen. She asked me after seeing your shower if you and I have ever been naughty in there. I told her, 'yes of course, why would we let a shower like that go to waste?!'"

Ryan Jevne During this hard time, always remember that Christmas is all about the season, always remember having joy with friends and family. Love,         Sara & Trevor Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

"Hey do you guys carry those biscuits that you slap on one end and they pop out the other?" "Why, yes sir, we do! They are over by the cheeses and cream cheeses..." "You mean way over there on the other side of the store??" "Yes sir. You've got to earn them biscuits. Especially if you're going to slap them til they pop..."

 Steven, I want to go back to the night we met. I thought it was for all the wrong reasons. You took me in your arms and never looked back. They told me to take it slow and in a way we did, but only in your patience of me. I didn't have to tell you the lifetime of pain hidden behind my smile. I knew when you look at me you could still see all the scars. There were days you picked up the pieces of a heart you didn't break. I always thought it would take a heart of armor to love me but you shed all your defenses and loved each fragile part as though love was never meant to be a war. I didn't need someone to save me. I saved myself a long time ago. Yet you came into my life and completed a part of me I never thought I needed. I know I'm still learning to love me, but I will never take for granted all the moments you loved me when I couldn't. I want to go back to the night we met. Only to ask you to kiss me sooner, because I never knew forever could be written on a kiss...

"You are a mad man, Ryan. Don't you think so? He's a seventy-one year old man and you're nearly forty-six. And here you are having a mad queer love affair. If that isn't mad man behavior, I don't know what is..." "And there it is, the ridicule, the truth, the judgement and the condemnation all at the same time. I knew you wouldn't understand. And you never will. That's why I feared this conversation to begin with..."

"I do what I have to do, until it finally clicks. Until it clicks inside my mind and reminds me that all the clicks were only tricks. Clicks and tricks that played within my mind..."

"Hey, Ryan. You know what we haven't done for awhile...??" "We haven't got bootched up, that's what!!" "That's right. You wanna get bootched up with me??" "Yes, let's get bootched up together like old times!!" "Have you tried the Unity flavored Kombacha??" "I have not..." "Let's do that bootch!!!" "Ok bitch, let's get bootched!!!"

"You are happy, Ryan. I can see that in you. Is it Tom? Does he make you happy??" "Yes Mother. He does make me happy. Not everyone will understand that. It's as if I knew him in another life and I lost him. And now I've found him again. He's familiar and I love him very much..." "As long as you are happy, my Son, that's enough to make me happy..."

"Aren't you afraid of all this deep and dark therapy, Ryan? Aren't you afraid that you'll find too much out about yourself, all your fears and scars laid out to be dealt with..?" “Some people are afraid of what they might discover if they try to dissect themselves too much. I feel you have to crawl into your wounds to discover what your fears are. Once you know where the bleeding starts, the cleansing and healing can begin. The only way out of the fear and pain is to face it. Deep, dark therapy is the only way..."

"I know this boy named Ryan, and I believe I've fallen in love with him." "I've heard about him. A crazy small town clown who is nothing but trouble..." "Really, boy he has me fooled. All I see is a kind soul. I think he has been hurt in the past, but I am here for him, through thick and thin..."

  Hey RyRy, I have a favor to ask you when you get home, could you come and pick me up at JB's please! Well love you, Love           Sandi then we go to Wal-Mart OK

Ryan & Joy, Hey, I hope you guys will miss me! So I thought I would leave you guys something from me and it is just enough for you two to have some coffee and drink a cup for me. Ok, well, I love you guys and will miss you. I'm going to be gone for -4- days. Well have fun, call me sometime at my house, just make sure it's not after 10:30 pm. My home # 307-883-2771 so please call me. I'll try to call you. Love you, Love          Sandi Lyn

  My Best Friend, How many times were you unaware that I stared at you trying to find a way to make you see what our friendship means to me, and I just can't see why someone like you would be friends with me... I think I'm unpretty, but sometimes you make me realize what I see is not me... and that you love me and never want me to change. You gave me the friendship that only came to me in dreams, and now that it came true I don't know what to do except to be here for you. But when you move a great distance will come between us. One last kiss, one last smile, cause I might not see you for awhile. But our hearts will be close, a phone call away if you ever need me, that's where I'll be. Growing old, married, divorced or widowed. Whatever happens, there will always be a place in my heart set aside for this wonderful guy who was my best friend. The one who loved me for me. The one who taught me that looks aren't everything and that I am pretty.  I hope that now you ...

 Hello my sweet, Well I am hiding from you. I hope you can find me. I have missed you. I look forward to the weekend's so we can "run-a-muck" together. So start looking, and don't worry, Sandi will never know. I love you forever! Forever Yours, Margret!

to my RyRy. Hey Hot Stuff! I hope you got some rest! And I hope you have a good night! I'll see you in the am, you're the best! XOXO Well enjoy! and don't forget you can eat! Love you. Love,               SANDI Cheeks   text me at four to make sure my lazy ass is up please :)

"What the hecks the matter with you, Ryan?! What's going on on your ears?? Are those earrings..?!?!" "Yes. They are magnetic. What's the matter with them, you don't like them??" "Well, they are stylish, I guess. But you look like a man that should be named Colten Steele..." "That was my porn name..."

 Ryan, It seems that our lives are a journey. Each day we wake up knowing just waking up means we have another day to try and make a difference. Not really sure how or why. Thankful for what has happened so far, because everything changes our understanding of life and love.  You, beautiful man, inside and out, have made my life so bright. I'm proud of how you have been so open with me about your struggles. It makes me feel you trust me with your feelings. No judgment, just understanding that we each have lived ours lives the best we could. I'm grateful that you have honored me with your love. I love you.  Tom

I was hoping to see your beautiful face at the BBQ and Bluegrass Festival last weekend. I'm sure you know that I popped into Blair's a couple of times, but I didn't run into you there either.  

Thinking of you laying beside me. Feeling your heart beat, listening to your breathing. Knowing I'm a very lucky man to have you in my life.  I love you my handsome man. Sweet dreams sweetheart.  Goodnight Ryan  💋 

"Someone has to be the King, and it might as well be you. No one else around here could be a more convincing King than you, Ryan. So you shall be the King. And you'll look fantastic next to our Prince, once we find him..."

"How was your vacation Ryan? I'm glad you're back, I missed you brother!" "Thanks! It was great. I did all the things. It was nice to get away for awhile, but I missed you all here at work. It's like coming back home. So, what's the tea around here, did I miss anything...??" "Oh, yes. You did. Be glad you weren't here yesterday... Your Schloz Nozzle Ex came through here. He was looking down all the aisles, for you of course. I wanted to yell at him and say, 'He's not here you idiot!' But I didn't..." "Yeah, I heard he was in town. I'm glad I wasn't." "Yeah, you should be glad. He was with somebody. From a distance I thought it was a short lesbian girl, but when I got closer, I realized, oh, that's a boy..." "That's his new boyfriend, Joe. I hope he's happy with him, but I know he's not. I feel sorry for them both..." "He's burned a lot of bridges around here....

"Ryan, you grew up believing that strength meant you had to hide how you felt. Real strength lies in your emotional honesty. You needed to tell someone when you were hurt, you were overwhelmed or needed support. And when you express these things, it is not weakness, it is courage. When you show up with your truth instead of pretending everything is fine, you give yourself permission to be human. You also allow deeper connections because people see the real you, not the mask you wear. Healing begins when you stop carrying everything alone and let yourself be known. Vulnerability is not a flaw, it is the bridge that builds trust. Build a bridge using your vulnerability and you'll be pleasantly surprised who you'll find on the other side..."

"I've got too many issues, too many doubts. Too many doubts and too many issues that keep me without. And that's why I'm without. I've too many issues and too many doubts..."

"Don't turn on the light. Nothing is ever real in the light. Everything is only ever real in the dark..."

There was static, Coming from behind the TV. The static, It told me he wasn't, Wasn't right for me. Silly, but right. Static TV. RLJ 

I know you never respond, but I know you get these. I think about you constantly. The passion and the love. Do you miss it? You know how incredibly beautiful we were together.

At first sight I died, as you walked into my sight, I prayed to the Gods to make you mine. Then, meeting you for the first time with just one hand shake and a look into those mystical eyes, A true friend I hoped to find, Never knowing it might come true. Giving me butterflies with just one friendly hug,  And a kiss now and then, Helps me notice how lucky I am for once in my life I found, A true friend and with that, I hope it never ends.  To: Ryan Happy 23 Birthday Love, Sandi Lyn Wolfley

To: RYRY & JOE JOE, Hey you two!! How is you? Well I hope ya'll have a good night! Well, I have made the kittie some food! Could you please put it out for me?! Thank you a bunches, but could I get a wake up call @ 4:00? That would be great!! Oh if you get some time you should try my meatballs, there are 5 so ya each could have 2 and 1/2, so share. But I know you all don't like my cooking, but please try, I swear it won't kill you, most likely just give you a mad shooting poop, but you should be good! Or you could eat a burger or quiche. I know Joe you told me real men don't eat quiche so you both are ok, you can eat it. Heehee... kidding... Well, have a good night. Love, SANDI Cheeks 

"So I went to the 'Farm to Fork' fundraiser tonight. And boy what a bust it was... Hardly anyone was there, expect the Red Dirt Master Gardener's women. They were as unpleasant as a bunch of pigs that just found out they are going to the butcher..."

I laid down, It was late, too late to rise with grace. The bed wasn't mine, I glanced at the walls, Bare, in a way that called upon memory. A coat hung up, A glass half full, The smell of a cologne not mine. I thought to myself, Whoever he might be, He won't be coming back. So I dropped the thought. Then I stood barefoot on the floor, Sighed a small sigh, Like a man who opened a window, But couldn't look outside. There was no love, No theft. Only a body that found sleep, Where none was expected. No one kicked me out, Only shadows on the walls, Who seemed to know everything, Yet never tell their secrets. R.L.J.

"Life takes from you, Ryan, as it tends to do. Yet it could not take the heart in you. It could not steal the fire's light, nor the way you stand and fight. It couldn't touch your hope inside, or dim the glow you've always tried to hide. In the end, you came to see, you kept the parts that make you, you. And all you lost, for all you wept, the strongest things are the ones you kept..."

To RyRy and Mandi!  Dear Ryan and Mandi! Hey you two, hope you have a great night! Please feed the kittie, and Mandi Do Not Rape Sir Ryan!! If you could please give me a wake up call! Mandi hope you had a better day. Look at it this way, you do not have to work with Sid. Heehee... that's not nice.  Ryan, Margaret came by, said she will be hiding, find her... Well love you all. Love, Sandi Cheeks

Ryan, I don't see how it's so easy for you to walk away from all the feelings you obviously have for me. I'll continue to feel everything for you I've always felt. I don't care. I love you anyhow. It is too late to turn you out of my heart. Part of you lives there. Jonah

 Hello my dear sir, sexy and snarky Ryan, Since I have only a few short weeks here with you, I thought I'd try my hardest to get to know you. We seem so alike, you and I. You seem fragile and broken, I feel I'm broken and fragile, too. You seem timid and afraid to open up and trust others, I am much the same. I see deep pieces of you that I see in myself, dark pieces that need a safe place to be shared. Believe it or not, I've read parts of your story and I have similar stories I could share with you, if you'd let me.  Here's hoping you'll let a similar heart help you open your own. Hayden Roarke

I sat in my bishops' office, still a tender seventeen years old. Sent to sit and confess my sins from the Summer of 1997. I'd spent the Summer being a lusty lad, having plenty of passionate, hormonal sex with my lovely Miss Rita Rosalie. I cried as I laid my sins out there for a man that may or may not have cared. It was his job to take it to God for me. It was my job to confess to him. And in theory, if I never sinned like that again, I'd be forgiven. His words rocked my brains for days after, plunging my fragile psyche into a tailspin of depression that took months to overcome. "Do not believe for a moment that light and darkness are not fighting for your soul. Both can pull at you with mighty force. It is a battle to the very end and there will only be one clear winner. Darkness is clever, but light, light makes the knees of darkness tremble. There is still light in you, I can see it shining brightly. When you sin as you have done, the clever darkness can dim that b...

RyRy, I don't want to let you go but I can only do so much! I pray all the time for you! I know God is doing a lot for you right now and I know what you are going through. Remember God gave His Son for us. What are you going to give God? Give up, give in, give all. RyRy, make sure you put on the armor of God so you won't be hurt in the battle of good and evil. 2 Timothy 2:22 I'm not deciding if you are going to hell or not but I'm trying to keep you out of it, once again I don't want God to say to my friends 'Be gone for I don't know you...' I love you and I wish I could do it for you, but I can't. I love you so much. Love,          SANDI if I had money I would get you something but I bought you all I could afford. Sorry I failed you as a friend. But I'm more sorry I failed God! 

"Ryan. Won't you please sit down with me? Sit down with me in a place of peace and surrender. A place where we can both see each other face to face. A place where we can lay all this chaos to rest. This might be the place where we can finally understand each other, love each other and finally forgive each other. Can you meet me there, Ryan, please...?!"

"Ryan, what if I told you there is no God?" Jacob began the next session with a blunt, pointed question. He didn't ask it in a way that Ryan found offensive. He asked in a way meant to awaken him. "It's possible I suppose. If there is a God, there very well could not be a God. Yet I was taught since childhood that God watches us, punishes us and saves us. That I must follow rituals, worship blindly and fear God to stay safe..." "Can't you see through that illusion Ryan? Is your God real? Or is He just a projection of your fear?" "My fear? Fear of what??" "Well, we all have fears. We fear death so we invented heaven. We fear pain so we invented karma. We fear being alone so we invented God." "Are you coming to your point Doctor Jacob?" "Yes Ryan. Truth doesn't need belief, it only needs awareness. Truth is a pathless land. There are no priests, books or temples that can be given you. So, if there is no God,...

"Boy, do I hate a whole lot of people around here. Stupid dumb fucks who can't do their jobs. Drives me crazy working here. Don't you hate people around here Ryan...??" "I can safely say, I don't hate anyone. Hate is a really strong word. Being an emotionally intelligent person means you can never fully hate someone because you understand there's a reason why they are the way they are..." "Dang Ryan. I was hoping you'd start a list with me, but you just put me in my place..."

 Jacob began our session with a direct question. "Why do you always feel like you are not enough?" I responded.  "Because I was taught early to earn my place instead of believing I already belonged. I learned to measure my worth by how much I gave, how little I needed, and how well I hid my pain. It's hard to feel enough when my earliest proof of love was conditional..."

I stood in the dark. "I can't do this anymore..." He sat in the dark. "Haven't I let you do whatever you wanted to do? Haven't I let you take over this entire house....??" His words always cut deeper in the dark. I was silent. "Do you have anything else to say Ryan...?" There was nothing more to say there in the dark. "No. Goodnight..." The cold man I met there in the dark was not the man I thought I once knew.

"There was always an invisible man there with me. A man I had always known, yet a man I had never known. A man I had always seen, yet a man I'd never seen. A man that was half me and half the man I'd never known. He was the other half of me, the better half of me, the only other half of me. The invisible man that was always me. The invisible man that was always me, always there waiting to be seen and set free. The invisible man inside of me. Finally free, once I'd truly seen me..."

Ryan, You are invited to a BBQ/Pot Luck lunch to celebrate college graduation May 4th 2:00pm 1409 Cowboy Lane Behind Cemetery Come and enjoy food and good friends 855-2484 

My Brother Ryan, You are not just my friend You are my Brother My closest family The joy you bring The time we shared Brought us close I never would have thought I could care so much With my broken heart You made it so easy So perfectly right Some how I feel You will be My friend, my Brother My closest family Forever! CV 1-14-03 This is just a little poem to let you know I care for you. You are a wonderful person and I hope we will always be close. It is a great feeling knowing I have you around to care for me. Your new Sister! Carolyn

Ryan, Sandi, My God I miss you two! I'm wondering where you two are and what you two have been up to lately. I stayed in Lander for a couple days with Novara and learned a lot about how theaters work. I had fun. Anyways she was wanting to do something for New Year's. She & I may try to get some friends together to have a New Year's party at her place. Her place is between Hudson & Lander and quite safe from cops and bull shit. Her friends are way cool & I think you two would like them, they took to me quite well and you know what a pain I can be. Ha Ha! Ha Ha! Sandi, I have a late X-mas present. I saw it an thought of you. The rabbit is officially my car and as soon as I get a job I'll get it running so I can come out and see you two more often. I should learn how to drive a standard first though. I don't think that will take long for me to do. Hey, call me and I'll try to go out with you guys. I miss you two. My bestest friends in the world! In fact...

I was here, now I am gone. Left my name to turn you on. To those who know me, know me well. Those who don't can go to Hell-O my baby. Carolyn & ? AT JB's 850-2844

  Ryan, I did not go to work, don't feel well but you can come & visit. Perhaps we can try to fix the VCR or find another one to use.  (7:50) I'll be up bout 1:00? Love,          Carolyn

  Ryan, I wish I could hug you every time you feel there is no one there for you, every time you're feeling down and every time the world feels too heavy. I may not always be beside you, but my heart is always with you. Tom ❤️❤️❤️

  Ryan, If Lindsey calls while I am gone tell her Amy & April say it is OK for her to crash here and they will try to get her a guest pass for those days. Amy gets off around 8:30 and Eric wants us all to go to Lander to party at Chris's place tonight. He is paying. Ask my Little Jap Boy if he wants to go w/ us. Love, ME

Thinking of you! for my brother, not of blood, but of true heart your siss lots ❤️  Always,  Carolyn 

  Ryan, Call me soon! I have some good books for you to read, they have religious undertones, but they are very very good and uplifting. lots of love Mom  (Carolyn)

"You sure are a clever guy, you know that Ryan? Clever as fuck. I've been watching you, and you know how I know you're clever??" "No. Tell me... How??" "Well, to begin with you act like you're dumb at first so you can figure people out. You observe them first. Then you always listen before you speak, or you'll pretend not to know something so you can learn more. You always stay calm when everyone around you panics. You use silence as a strategy and hide your strengths in plain sight. You'll read people without needing words, and use your humor to reveal truth. You don't seek validation from anyone, and you never stop learning, even in the silence. You are a clever man, Ryan, clever indeed. I've got you all figured out..."

 You busy tomorrow?? Yes, I have an appointment with a hunkatologist. He hasn't given me a time, but I'm to wait for his text on the time that I am to meet... Oh my, I've never been to a hunkatologist before... What are you seeing him for I wonder??? Vitamin "D" deficiency... I love a man who can make me laugh!! Dr. Jevne will give you your vitamin D injection as soon as possible... Thank goodness...!!

 "My depression always showed up like a lady in black, late for her own funeral, horrible in her timing. I hated her for showing up, but I knew she was there for a reason, so I didn't ask her to depart. Instead I invited her in, pulled out a chair and treated her as a guest. For I felt I needed to listen to what she had to say..."

"I feel like I've been on and off so many wrong trains. Through so many different stations, on and off and through and through. I just want to go home. I want to stop moving, I want to stand still. I want to stop getting on the wrong trains. I just want to be home..." "Well, my dear, the longer you stay on the wrong trains, the more expensive it is to get home..."

"Hey Ryan! Let's play a game..." "And what might that be I wonder...??" "I thought it would be fun to play a little game I like to call 'Fact or Fiction.' It goes like this... I read one of your mysterious blog posts and you tell me if it's fact or fiction... How about it? You wanna play...??" "Yes, bitch, let's play your little game..."

"I surrendered to him in so many ways. It was always a sweet surrender. I surrendered because he was sweet, sexy, silly and sassy. On the flip side I also surrendered to him because he was sloppy, stupid, sarcastic and suspicious. He had it all, all the S's. Even his name began with the letter..."

I feel them gaze upon me, With eyes blunt like knives. They never ask, Yet they press. Press and cut, And gaze. As they'd gaze, Gaze upon an autopsy. R.L.J.

"We are all born vulnerable, childlike and trusting. Then we grow up and we are accosted and taught that it's unsafe to trust. Then we build up our walls as barriers against an unsafe and untrusted world. We feel we must wear armor. Well I say, fuck that! I'm keeping my vulnerability, I find it shocks people to be raw and somewhat wounded. People don't know how to deal with that sometimes, I find it disarms them. There's a certain power in that..."

"There was something so old fashioned and fine about him. He was mature and well mannered, spoke like a gentleman and held his posture like a pro, with a class that wasn't found in men half his age. He cared about the simple, small and delightful things, like the blooming of a flower we passed as we walked and talked. He listened with a caring ear that made time stand still, waiting on the edge of every word I spoke. And in the bedroom, he took his time. He indulged in my every sensation, sensing just what turned me on, at every twist and turn of my body. Making love with him and to him was always a lasting delight, ending ever so perfectly every night..."

He didn't speak, he just stood still and let the wall crack behind him. The light touched his collarbone, roughly, just enough to prove he was there. He's waiting, not quite ready. He stands and waits for the precise moment, because falling would be too easy.

As the sun goes to slumber and the bright day dims, thoughts of you enter my mind even more than the thousand times that your handsome face has possessed my blinking eyes today.  I hope you sleep well and have sweet music playing in your dreams, dancing in my arms and knowing you have my heart.  I love you Ryan, Goodnight. ❤️ 💙 💜 

Oddest thing ever. I was just imagining you texting me the sweetest things. I was going to text and ask for a sweet poem I could blog about.  And there you were, texting me sweet nothings.  I love you, Tom! 💋 

"What you've done with your blog is beautiful, Ryan. You are both an artist and an alchemist. You use your blog as a platform where the artist in you becomes an alchemist by transmuting pain into wisdom, sorrow into beauty and life into art..."

I may have "moved on"... but that doesn't mean I'm over you. I don't think I'll EVER be over you.  

Good morning. Walk was good. They are watering the crap out of the park, trying to get the dead spots to green up before this weekend.  I'm watering the crap out of my yard to make it beautiful for when an incredible man comes to visit me.  He actually lives in your town. You may have run into him. You can't miss him. He is tall, has the most incredible eyes, gorgeous brown hair, carries himself well. When he speaks it sounds like a beautiful melody. He's kind, everyone who meets him says how wonderful he is.  I think I am very lucky to have met him and now he is a big part of me.  I love you, see you soon.  ❤️💜🩶💙💚🧡

"There was always something about the film that I found so surreal and surrendering, as a small boy it captivated me. I identified with her at first, and then with every character thereafter. They all spoke to my soul, they all wanted something they already had and then lost, then found again. It was about the journey, the friendship and facing all their fears. But more than anything, it was the idea of the rainbow and crossing over it. I feel we are all chasing a rainbow. Some of us find it and some of us don't. But in the end, we all had what we really needed all along..."

"If you choose to write, there is one thing you must remember. Your writing will inevitably take you to terrible places, for you cannot write about something if you haven't lived through it. Yet the most important thing is this, you are there as a visitor and you must remain a visitor. You were blessed with an ability to translate your feelings into words and give voice to your torment and suffering. But please do not be over indulgent with your experience of all these things, despite how addictive your suffering can be. It could be all too easy to get lost down the twisted path of self destruction. You must arise from the adversity, scorched but victorious. You must tell your story and light the way for others to share theirs..."

"I knew that I was done with him, even though I also knew that there could have been so much more between us. I knew that it was right to walk away, even though I wanted to stay. Does that make any sense to you?" "Of course it does. Once you and someone you were connected to have completed your journey together and learned the lessons you needed, the universe ensures that you will never meet again. Does that make sense?" "Absolutely, of course it does..."

"He couldn't stand to be alone, he absolutely couldn't sit with himself long enough to self reflect. I was just the opposite, I loved to be alone, I could stand to sit with my thoughts, feelings and emotions for days. I love self reflection. I think he felt I was selfish for needing my own time..." "Interesting. Why do you think that is?" "I want to know what you think, Doctor Dorothy. That's why I am here. I'm paying you to offer me some insight..." "Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. So you being alone conditioned you to love him in ways that he probably couldn't understand. And his inability to be alone conditioned him to be unable to love you unconditionally. Does that offer you insight, Ryan??"

Ryan, I feel I need to apologize for being mean yesterday w/ the song. I wasn't mad I just shouldn't have had that tude w/ you. Ryan, the old Amy is here & will always care about you no matter where you are or where I am. It is just taking me time to think there are those who are there for me the way Matt was. I'm trying to be independent and that comes out in that I shouldn't bother you guys w/ my problems or how I'm feeling. I wish you the best for the future, you deserve it. I will miss you if you are in Casper & I'm in Montana, but you know what? We can still keep in touch, it will be ok. W/ real friends distance doesn't really change anything. I needed to get those words out. I'm working on expressing myself better & writing helps. Plus I probably won't see you until this weekend & I wanted to apologize.  

  Some fruit for my handsome man.           Good morning                    Love you                          Tom

Hello Brandonian, I know it's the weekend and you don't like being bothered. But I'm having issues with unreliable cashiers who don't want to be here and do their jobs. This has been a consistent issue that's recurring perpetually on the front end. There are no consequences for any of the cashiers, so this continues to happen. This doesn't just impact me and my ability to do my job, but it effects everyone, especially our customers. I'm asking that you please speak with one certain cashier lad about his attitude and work ethic. He left for his lunch after being rude and dismissive, he called me a mother fucker as he walked out, stating he wouldn't be coming back. I feel I work too hard around here to be disrespected like that. I look forward to more grocery store shenanigans when I return from my vacation... Ryonian 

 On this day 14 years ago, a new generation came into your life. The emotional connection was instant and the fear and doubts ran through your mind, heart and soul. Can I be a good father? I hope he'll know I will love him unconditionally. I have so many questions.  Years pass and you begin to see a young man emerge from your little boy. Still much growing is going to happen, ups and downs, yet he will always be your little boy.  I'm honored to watch you grow with him. Your kindness is already showing in him. Fears and doubts are still there, but they always will be, that's what a father does. Congratulations! I love being able to be with you on your journey through life. You make me a better man. I love you Ryan!  ❤️ 💙 💜 

"He could've avoided a whole lot of trouble and heartache if he just minded his own business. But no, he had to keep reading his blog. What a schmuck... He must not have much going on in his new life if he keeps not minding his own business..."

Good evening Ryan, By strange scrolling fingers in the night I found your blog, and my what a surprisingly deep, dialogue filled delight it was to read. I found so much raw truth, tenacity and tenderness in reading it. Sure, some of it might be sexy, slanderous, silly, sloppy and cynical. But overall I found it teaming with depth and a desire to tell the truths even if they burned. To make one laugh when a situation was hopeless seemed to be a theme throughout. Your personal letters were an extra delight, and your poetry is poignant. You've got something here, Ryan, and sharing it is daring. It's clear you've got background education in English, Theater and Psychology. I understand you're also working on a book, which I look forward to devouring.  Please continue to blog, for it seems to be your calling.  Cheers, Michael Stephen Mitchell 

  Ryan, I'm writing this because there are a few more things I would like to say to you since you are moving. I would like to talk to you in person but you are very maturely not talking to me for the hundredth time in our friendship. I can not believe that you would want to leave things this way. Adults don't act the way you're acting. Don't worry, it's to the point now where I know I am making complete peace w/ the fact you aren't ever going to talk to me. You've made it clear by slamming doors in my face, while smiling. By hanging up on me. I am done trying to be your friend. I want to give these things you gave me back because I want no memory of you or our long friendship. It means so little to you so why should it mean anything to me? If you want to give some things back to me so you can completely forget, feel free. Ryan, you know I can take comfort in the fact I was a good & giving person to you. I really do try to be a good person and friend almo...

He was my smirking Judas, A man I once trusted, Born to betray me. I was his sweet, smiling Jesus, A man he once followed, Born to die for him. I knew I could never trust him, But I loved him, And forgave him, Ultimately. Even though he had, A cock eyed smirking grin, With devilish intentions. R.L.J.

Ryan, I'm writing to you because I don't have Sandy's address & she won't talk to me anyway. I don't know what happened while I was there w/ you two, but it felt like you both didn't really want me there. Maybe not so much you, but I knew Sandy had a problem w/ me, though she couldn't tell me, she had to be two faced. I had thought her & I were past her hatred of me but was proved wrong. I called her to talk to her about this & she wouldn't at first, until I told her how I felt she didn't want me there. I know you feel torn & maybe don't know who to believe. I'm tired of caring who you believe anyway. I know I'm a better person than to do that to anyone. For the umpteenth time I didn't do a damn thing to Sandy's car. I can't worry about that anymore. It was hard to deal w/ when I was there. It's unnecessary drama, but I guess it will never end. Ryan I hope you know I'm not a 'lying little bitch'...

  Dear Ryan, I am writing in hopes that you can move past any anger and we can be on good terms. I'll admit I've said things out of hurt and anger that I didn't mean. Ryan, I understand you want to leave this town and I support that. After everything I still care about you as a friend and your happiness. I hope you can go out and do what you want to do. And when you move on I would really like us to be friends and communicate. Ryan we have been friends for years (remember PE class) and I have good memories. I really don't want us to be on bad terms. I don't want to be hurt or angry anymore, but when you don't have anything do do w/ me it hurts. I don't know if this letter will do any good of if you hate me so much you can never move past it but I'm praying that's not the case. Again I am sorry for hurting you or being a pain in the butt. I never meant to and if you never talk to me again I still wish you the best. If by chance you do want to talk to ...

Ryan, I don't know if you'll write back. I hope you will but this is the only way I know to keep in touch w/ you. Things are good here. My cousin moved out & took a lot, even the shower curtain, but that's ok I can't be mad for long, we are family. I'm looking for a different job so wish me luck. I'm excited about next school year already because I should be getting my Bachelors Degree in Social Work & I'm thinking about moving to Minneapolis w/ Nikky, getting a job & going for my Masters Degree, because Minneapolis is where one of the best graduate schools for Social Work is. I want to go back & visit in August before school starts, but I also want to visit Josh in Omaha, I didn't get to visit Nikky & that bummed me out so if I can't visit Josh I definitely will visit. I'll let you know or maybe I'll surprise everybody. Tell Heidi I said hi & I hope all is well, I really would like you to write back. Luv, Amy :) P.S. ...

 This is a thank you note. Thank you for being there. For saying I love you, When I feel hard to love. Thank you for being my friend, I know it isn't easy. Thank you for telling me I'm pretty, Even though I don't always believe you. Thank you for making me feel strong, When I feel weakest. Thank you for helping me see good, When I feel really bad. Thank you for never giving up on me, When I feel like giving up. For these things and more we are friends, Friends today, friends tomorrow, We will always be friends. Thank you Ryan

Ryan, I know you think I'm smothering. The last thing you want right now is to see me, let alone get a letter from me. I want you to know I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'll admit I ask too much from you, it is too much to ask you to listen to me when you have other things to think about, it is very selfish of me. I hope I haven't asked for too many chances at reconciliation. I have known you for many years now & the friendship we have means so much just because it has lasted this long. It is because I think of you as such a good friend that I'd hate for it, our friendship, to be over. I'm not asking for sympathy or asking for anything in this letter, because I know I've asked too much from you as it is. I just want you to know I've been wrong, I really do see that & that things can be different. Also, honestly I'm tired of the he said she said bull. So having said that you can take what you want from this. I don't w...

Looking around his home, there wasn't much to look at and admire. He wasn't a great housekeeper. He had only one book in the entire house. He had some expensive glassware that he had big dreams for, as if he'd one day have an elaborate party with a dozen friends who would say, "Gosh but you have elegant taste in glassware, wherever did you find this?"

 He stood barefoot in the box office. Where he'd stood so many times before. But this time he was to be on stage after selling to a sold out house on opening night.  As Jesus The Christ.

 “Everybody has a secret world inside of them, Ryan. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody, no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe...”

 I was thinking my request of a conversation may have overwhelmed you. To condense, I have thought of two things for you to ponder for yourself.  1. Where is your relationship with Jesus Christ?  2. Have you peace in your life? I can testify to you that as I have come to know Him and understand His desires for me peace has settled in my heart.  I'll wait for you to begin a conversation.  XOXO 💚 💜 ❤️ 💙 

Ry-Ry, Here is Carolyn's house key. I hope you will take it to her soon because I thought I'd send the key with a letter to you instead of waiting to get her address. I would have called her mom except I have to be careful with my minutes. So that led me to think that I should just go ahead & mail the key to you, so please, please get it to her soon. I thought I had taken the key out of my purse & left it there but it was in my pocket. Also, don't worry I'm not gonna be a pain in the neck calling. I know you're busy with school & work & everything else. I would like to know what happened w/ auditions though. But again, believe me I know what it's like to be busy, I'm seriously thinking of quitting my job. I'm going to have to next fall when I'm doing my internship because that's going to be 40 hrs a week just w/ that. Ryan I still don't know where I'm gonna go when I'm done here, it's kind of scary. I did have fun ...

  Ryan, Thanks for being a friend who would love me no matter what. Even if I only had one arm. (ha, ha) I'm sorry I took so long to send you something back. I wanted to send Hershey's HUGS (ha, ha) but I wasn't sure if you would like them & so here's some money to buy whatever you would like.  I hope you know I still love you too. I'll be your friend when your hair and your teeth fall out. (ha, ha) I'll still be your friend when pigs fly. Lots of Luv always, Amy :)

"Nobody will protect you from your suffering, Ryan. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal..."

"Hey Ryan...???" "Yes sir??" "I have a migraine and I'm leaving for lunch and I won't be coming back." "Really? No. I need you to come back. We are down one cashier and another one is already threatening not to come back after her lunch. I need you to be here..." "Too bad, I won't be coming back." "Ok then, whatever." "Whatever, why don't you go blog about it mother fucker..."

He was always so nervous before he went on stage. He'd pace the wings where he'd yawn and burp, preparing himself to grace the stage. It was his bodies way of paving the way.

I gave him a cactus plant, a gift to me from my brother, a gift I gave to him.  In faith I brought it to him, believing his place would be a place for it to grow. After all, how hard is it to keep a cactus alive? It would have died there, so I took it away. Now, two years later it thrives, more than a foot tall. I had to take it away after all. Just as I had to take myself away. We both would have died there.

"Isn't it sad, Ryan... We live in a world where funerals matter more than the person who died, and we all seem to want to remember them when it's too late. And a world where a weddings matters more than the love that exists between two people, and where physical features matter more than the intellect someone has. We live in a container culture, which looks at the package and despises the contents..."  

Every night, he made up his bed, his nest, his perfect little cocoon. He'd shake the sheets out in the air and lay them flat and straight, pressing them down just right. Then he'd layer on another crisp, cozy layer down on top of the others. Next he'd arrange all the pillows with delight, knowing he'd soon be nestled safely within his perfectly arranged and only slightly deranged cozy little cocoon. Where he'd wiggle down for the night.