gayNwyo

Click and Clack once pretended to know each other.  Until Clack figured Clicks' shit out. And then Click was done with Clack.

"Ryan... you were never taught how to feel. You were only taught how to suppress. You will meet the real you when you learn to sit with your true emotions without judging yourself. You don't need to become a different man. You just need to become the man you were before the world taught you to run from yourself..."

 "Face your fear, Ryan. Face your fear and it will disappear..."

I held on to your sunglasses, kept them in my car. Wore them, fondled them, thought about how once they danced so sweetly on your face. Where the eyes that once loved me played their games. I wore them when I floated the river, the river we once floated together, where I got a wicked sunburn. I took those sunglasses off and tossed them into the river, where they sank to the bottom, lost to the water, where once I lost my heart to you.

All of this, All of this, All of this.  It's come from a place, A place of chaos, But also a place of truth. RLJ.

 Boy do you ever, Have the powers, The powers to destroy, Or the powers, The powers, The powers to, To populi. RLJ.

"How do you come up with some of these bullshit blogs Ryan? They are so off the wall ridiculous and absurd..." "Well, most of them are just imaginary fabricated scenarios that dance through my head in the middle of the night. Nothing more and nothing less..."

All their words revealed who you really were, all their words were against you. All their words told me a story about you that I learned the hard way. I saw through you, just as they did. Sad story told through the eyes of everyone who ever knew you. Sad true story. A story I had to tell about you, even though I didn't want to. 

 He filled his life with empty things. Things that distracted, things that took him away. Things that kept him away from things that really mattered. Empty temporary things, things of passing pleasure, things that could never last. Empty things.

"You make me feel good Ryan. Like no one ever has before. There's something about you that takes me deeper inside myself than I've ever been before. It feels dangerous and beautiful at the same time..."

"These are difficult and frightening times. It seems that the world is tearing itself apart and no one cares about each other anymore. The world is divided and it seems we may be facing another world war. It's hard to believe that anything will work out in a world like this..." "There's so much power in believing that everything will work out even when you don't know how or when. You just believe that it will. Therein lies your power."

The red bedroom laid silent, Full of secrets, Deep and dark secrets.  Disturbing secrets, Dark and disturbing, Secrets better left, Better left to the night. Better left to the dark, The dark red bedroom, Late in the night.  R.L.J.

The blue bedroom was his and not hers. And never was his to disturb hers. The blue carpets and blankets were laid and displayed as hers and hers alone. The blue bedroom laid undisturbed. His alone.  Undisturbed. 

"Don't you miss him? Don't you regret leaving him? Don't you wish you still had him in your life??" "I can miss him, regret leaving him and still wish I had him in my life. He was a beautiful mistake, that is all. My, what a beautiful mistake I made, too..."

He came in the room tall, He cast his shadow long, He came acrossed as small. We all saw him for what he was, A tall man, With a shadow long, Yet a small man, After all. R.L.J.

She, out of utter revenge, took his children far away. To a place where she thought she would give them a better life.  And she did. Until she realized that the life she had given them was void of the father that created and loved them. But it was too little too late. He bore her so much hate.  Far little, far too late. And so much hate. Too late. 

 She was his micro managing Mormon Mom. She'd pop up whenever, just like Endora on the sixties witch sitcom Bewitched. She'd arrange and play the part, passive aggressive and unsuspecting.  Yet she'd stir up mischief just to leave again, playing ever the victim. She was just playing the clever witch, yet always the bitch in the end.

Lucille Ball danced across the screen before him. He loved her so. She made him laugh when laughter saved his life. She danced her way into his heart. She saved his life.

 Ryan, I see you best when I'm asleep, where promises are mine to keep. You hold my hand and say you stay, and dawn does not steal you away. In waking life, you walk ahead, and I keep words I should have said. You smile at me but not for long, then fade into another song. In dreams you're mine, in truth you're gone, yet both feel real at break of dawn. I let you go a thousand times, but still you live in silent rhymes. Only in my dreams. Victoria 

"You are an empath, Ryan. You pick up on the emotions of others. Their hidden energies, behaviors and personalities. And when you pick up on those you can project those energies back to their rightful owners. You reflect back the truth and the energy even when the person is unaware of what they are projecting..."

It's still you, It was always you.  Still you, You I think of, You I dream of, You I wait for, You. I was always you, But you never knew. R.L.J.

"You said you died that day, the day you walked away...?" "Yes, in a way, you could say I died. Inside a piece of me died. The piece I gave him. It had to die, and I had to walk away..." "Interesting..." "That piece still haunts me. Some days it drives me mad. Like a chunk of my heart is out there walking around without me attached..."

When I was younger my father would say, "You are older than the sun, my son..." "What does that mean, I do not understand, please explain this to me...?" "Well, you see, you've existed for eternities. You are older than anything, older than here and now, older than the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars. Once you understand that, you'll realize how precious you really are..."

"I felt as if there was this long, deep buried current of hate that lived inside of him, always bubbling under waiting to explode. If I could harness that hate into electricity, it would light up the entire world. That's how intense he was. Perhaps his love burned that hot, too. But the hate, I couldn't ignore that, it was far too dangerous..."

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. I get to do that part. Delicate little nibbles all over. Love you! ❤️💙💜💚💛 Good night sweet man of mine. I hope you sleep the best tonight. I wish you were here to nibble and bite me. Sleep tight. I love you! 💋 ❤️ 💋 ❤️ 💋 

My first bullies should have been the ones I met in high-school. Instead they were my relatives, my brother, my cousins and my supposed male friends.  Long before I knew what bullies were. Then the real bullies showed their true faces, and made disgraces of all the bullies that came before. 

You tried to make me sound like I was crazy, like you did all your exes. Now I understand why. You played on their hearts, like you did mine. You promised the world in forevers on wine stained lips. Then morning came and it was as if your soul had left your body to allow the demons to tell us that everything you ever said was never true. You spoke in two different languages, one that bound my spirit to yours and the other that had no remorse in the lies that came out of your mouth. Of course you feel crazy when one minute you're planning your life together, and the next not knowing why everything has felt like a lie. So this is my last goodbye.  Ryan

 "Hey Ryan! Have you heard of the new fragrance they are creating for anti-social people? I think you'd like it..." "No, I haven't..." "It's for introverts and it's designed to keep people away. You just spray it on once a day and it keeps annoying people at bay..." "What's the name of it??" "It's French, it's called LeeMee Defah Cologne..."

He laid down to disappear, There on the earth, He rested his head, Softly on his arms, Surrendering to the night. Then something green, Something unseen, Began to bud and bloom, From deeply within him. R.L.J.

Dear You, I need you to retain that same energy and distance you comfortably did when I was struggling. I need you to remember all the times I was there for you in your darkest hours and how you turned a blind eye to my world crumbling. I urge you to own your decision and lack of compassion and remain seated from a distance. I need you to understand I will never allow those who made me feel insignificant a seat at this table now that I have found my feet. I promise, I will never allow you back in. I do not hold space for the insincere. I do not have time for opportunists. My discernment has sharpened, and my conscience is clear. You chose detachment with confidence before everything turned on its head. Stick to your decision. I don't want anything you're offering now. You know who you are, Ryan

Ryan, I needed to do something besides watch T.G.I.F. (now a depressing Campbell's Soup commercial is on.) So I decided to write you a note. (I'm also writing you one cuz you wrote me one too.) I'm so glad I have you to talk to when no one else is around. I'm sorry if I was complaining too much, it's just that I was really hurt by David being mad at me. (I absolutely hate it when anyone is mad at me & lose sleep over it.) Then Nikky saying how she wanted a break from me & she couldn't spend every minute with me. It made me feel unwanted, annoying & worthless. I don't know, maybe I'm too sensitive, do you think? I'm glad you're not sick of me yet & I'm so glad you stayed after Jeremiah left. I better go, hope to see you tomorrow.   Your friend,           Amy P.S. I'm a bear

Ryan, I know I've apologized for the way I acted last night & that you've accepted. I'm thinking I need to talk to a counselor or someone. I don't think I'm fully facing up to how much the loss of Matt has affected me. I thought I could handle it on my own, but maybe I can't. I don't want to put my friends that are around through what I did last night. You have been there but I know I can't ask so much from you. Just because I don't feel social right now doesn't mean you can't & you shouldn't be. You might not believe it but I don't mind you going out w/ other friends, it's good for you. If things don't get better by the time school is out I might have to go to Montana, but I don't know yet, I know I need time & thank you for bearing w/ me. Luv always  Amy :) 

 Sometimes I feel, that my words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I feel, that you don't feel, how much I care. I know you are hurting, it makes me hurt too. Please don't walk away. Don't turn from me, while tears threaten. I would never, walk away from you. To Ryan in hopes that he will let me in again

Ryan, I'm writing just to let you know that I do care about you. I don't want to make you mad or anything. You say I haven't & I hope I don't. I just want to enjoy the time I have left to spend w/ everyone, that is all. I understand you are busy & stressed & I'm not trying to add to it. Because I'm busy & stressed also & I don't want to add to mine. So please remember I care about all my friends. And hope we can spend a little time together before I leave. Well that is all I have to say, I'll see you when I see you & take care.  Your friend always,      Amy :)

Ryan, Just saying hi. Call me sometime, sorry about last Sat.  :) - Amy (856-4985, just in case u forgot) 

 He'd met the cuff, The cuff to his fist. He was the cuff, And he was the fist. The fist hit the cuff, And the fist resisted.  R.L.J.

"You've lost people. You've lost things. You've lost so much. And when you lose someone, or something that means ever so much to you, your heart and your psyche wants to replace that with something else. Addicts replace those losses with drugs, in either one form or another..." "You aren't telling me something I don't already know, Doctor Dorothy. Tell me something that will actually help me, please!?" "You need to replace the drugs with something else, with something you can love, with something constructive, something that gives you purpose. You need to replace the drugs with something that makes you feel good..." "I understand. Yet I fear that nothing and no one could ever make me feel as good as the drugs do..."

It's a proud, and yet sad moment in American history. When we have all witnessed an infantile tyrant of a man attend his own sad, pathetic birthday party, complete with a military parade set to intimidate.  When the rest of the country gathered together in streets everywhere to say, "Enough!" And history will go down to tell that America will have no kings, not here, not now, nor not anywhere. They gathered together in streets everywhere, to say, "We're here, and you are not a king, and you are not enough..." While the poor pathetic self proclaimed savior Trump slept in a drug induced nap to an empty street, and no crowds at all...

And just like that, Overnight, While ignorant men slept, World War Three began. An ignorant western pig, Looking to the east proclaimed, Let's begin and end this thing.  R.L.J.

  Ryan, I'm not gonna be able to ask you this today cuz I have play practice and u work. But do you wanna go see Titanic w/ Mark & I tomorrow night? Please say yes. It will be the last weekend I'll be able to do anything for a while. I want you to come w/ us. I'll call tomorrow & see if you'll come. Please do. You can live w/ Mark for one night, & Titanic is supposed to be WAY cool. Talk to ya later,          Nancy

  Ryan, Hey buddy! I got to thinking, and I remembered last year's prom. I was scared because someone told me that they had stopped ordering flowers, and I hadn't gotten Eric's boutonnier. I went down with Rae, and we got it, but I'm not sure I would have if Sister Chris hadn't been there. But anyway, the point is that maybe we should do the flower part sooner. Can I take you to lunch tomorrow? The tux may take awhile, so we can do that on Saturday still. Will that work or not? Well, gotta go. Write back or talk to me or something. Love,         Nancy B. P.S. Don't be scared about prom. Everything will be great, and I promise not to eat you. I'm excited. You being my date, that means a lot to me. More than you realize.   

Ryan, Hey buddy! I was wondering if you know if you can go to Thermop on Friday. We are meeting @ Rae's house @ 11:00. Tell Mark if you can come, or give me a quick call. This will be one of the last trips together. The "Seniors Only" trip for the buddies of the class of '98. Especially since some of us are leaving in June. Well, gotta go.       Nancy

One night after work he brought home a bag of roasted deli chicken. A whole deli chicken, hot, greasy and slick. He sat down on the couch and dug into that bag with all fingers on duty. He tore that bird up, bones and all. Smearing the grease all over his lips as he chewed the tender meat in his ravenous jaws. I'd never seen a man eat like that before, he polished off the entire bird, skin and all. There was something so disgusting, vulgar and animalistic about the whole sloppy spectacle.

 When I fell in love with him, I had no idea that I was also entering into a relationship with his entire history, especially the parts that weren’t healed or unacknowledged.  My love for him wasn’t just about chemistry or compatibility. It was about our nervous systems, our attachment styles and our open wounds. There was an invisible agreement we unconsciously made to keep each other safe in the ways our childhoods did not. I learned through pain that love cannot undo someone’s unresolved fear of intimacy, abandonment, or unworthiness. No matter how big or open our hearts were. We were still protecting ourselves from the ghosts of our pasts, we were each on the receiving end of our own projections. So I stopped trying to heal him by offering more of myself. In fact, I stopped trying to heal or fix anyone but myself. Because it wasn't my job, and honestly how dare I insert myself into his karma and life lessons. That was his work, I could only do my own.  I needed a love...

 He'd just unboxed his brand new Ninja slushie maker. The possibilities were endless. But, we decided to make rhubarb lemonade slushies, with tequila for an extra thrill.  We measured, mixed and poured our sweet liquids into the fresh machine and danced together naked as the maker did the magic, slowly churning the elements together to a sweet slushed perfection.  The patio called our names, where we rolled around in the evening flames, titilating nipples and dinging around with our dandies. Then he let his kink out, which turned into a refreshingly cool experiment. "Swish that sweet afternoon rhubarb lemonade around in your mouth, and then let yourself taste it against my ass..."

"One day, I promise you it won't hurt so much, I promise. But today it does and that's okay. So cry, cry until you can't anymore, cry until you feel better. They may not be worth your tears, but you are. Your feelings are worth validating and your hurt is worth recognizing. Be there for yourself and let yourself feel, because letting yourself feel is how you heal..."

 "After you were used by a narcissist, your self-doubt was replaced by anger. You knew the truth. You saw how you were used, groomed, and brainwashed. You were beyond angry. You wanted to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did. You wanted to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell. You obsessively talked about him with your friends and family. You needed to get your story out there. So you did. There's nothing wrong with that. You were shut up and minimized for too long, and now your voice is finally free..."

"There have been so many times that I wished I could reach out and talk to him one more time, just to see, out of curiosity, if there is anything still there, you know, like does he still care...??" "Don't let that curiosity kill you like it kills the cat. It's not worth that. And from what you've told me, he's not worth that. Have you ever heard of Schrodinger's cat??" "I have, yes... Why??" "Well, if you don't open the box, the cat is still both alive and dead. And if you don't ever talk to him again, you both still love him and you don't. Let's just leave it at that..." "That's wise advice. Thank you!"

Ryan, !Hola mi amigo! :) como estas? Estoy muy bien. Do you understand a word of this? Neither do I. J/K :) It says, "Hi my friend. How are you? I'm very well." Raelyn is very strange. But then again u probably already knew that. Rae says she's not, but we know the truth don't we.... AAGH! She's beating me UUU............ ok. I admit I lied Rae, now leave me alone!!! OK, I'll be serious. Um... I'm kinda lost about what to say. I'm not sure what to say. I guess it depends on what you  meant, (in your note) but please promise me this, if I say the wrong thing, don't kill me, and don't hate me. First of all, I had way fun at the movies. It was a mega blast! We should do it again sometime. It was way  fun. We should keep going on double, triple and quadruple dates, they're the coolest!  As far as your note, no, I do not think you are weird (at least not as far as I'm concerned, I'm probably weirder than you.) And if we keep going on...

Dear Ryan, Um... I was a little surprised to get your note, after all the stuff you wrote me in U.S. History. But, I'm also happy. I hate it when people are either upset w/ me, or for some reason don't want to be my friend. Never be afraid to ask for forgiveness Ryan, it can only help you, and can only hurt the other person (if they are jerks.) Now, I want you to know this plain and clear. You have my full and honest forgiveness for any hurt you may have caused me or any wrong you may have done me. And yes, that includes everything . I look forward to being your friend in the future. I'm also glad that maybe now you will deem me as one. However, I need to make one more thing clear. I have a boyfriend - more or less. I will not be dating you again. I don't know if that needed to be said or not, I just want to be totally honest w/ you, as true friends are. You probably don't want to anyway, but I had to tell you, so that you know that. I don't want to make you thi...

"He was drawn to you because you are intelligent, compassionate, resilient and smart. And you felt silly for all the time you wasted trying to make it work. You kept going for as long as you could due to your strength. Then you realized that he had none of the qualities you had. You were intelligent but he was insecure. You were compassionate but he was shallow. You were resilient but he was redundant. You were smart but he was superficial. You were not silly for wasting your time, you believed in something he did not. You had the strength of character to see all the flaws, but he was weak in recognizing your strengths for weaknesses. What a fool he was, for not seeing how strong you really are, for exposing the man he truly was."

Ryan, I have a little problem. Let me tell you of two situations I have had or heard of lately. ~ When me, Mark, Bronwyn and Angela went to lunch on Monday, we went to Wendy's. When we were standing in line, Bronwyn and Angela turned to me and said, "You and Mark should go out, you make a cute couple." I said, "I think we are too good of friends." They said, "That's what works best. Just think about it." Needless to say (hopefully), I was VERY surprised and not knowing how to react I just shrugged and rolled my eyes. ~ My sister has library science w/ her friend Meghan 2nd hour. On Wednesday when I was sick Mark came in and was talking to them. All of a sudden he said, (supposedly), "Nancy likes me huh?" My sister told him (supposedly) on no uncertain terms that I didn't. Then he mumbled, (supposedly), something like, "I know, she just acts like she does." Then he left. Are you beginning to see my problem? Now, you could hel...

My sister had left her naked Barbie in the tub after her bath. She sat in the corner on the edge of the tub, legs spread wide with her head cocked to the side, still dripping with tiny soap suds in her hair. I took her in my small hands and slipped my finger between her hard plastic breasts, exploring her body tenderly and curiously.  As young as I was, I found myself excited, aroused and immediately ashamed of the growth that was happening in my appendage under the bath water. My first memorable erection, with a naked Barbie in the bathtub. 

 "What the hell is this popular, self depreicating blog all about Ryan?!" "It's a long, sick and twisted love letter to a man that broke my heart..."

"I'm afraid I've been working in the garden all day and I stink to high heaven..." "I don't care. Come here and lay some of that sweet stank on me...!!"

 He made you fall for him because he played the game better than you, a game you thought was an honest connection, and then he left you to pick up the pieces. Can you miss someone you truly never had? Yes you can, because it wasn't about possession, but about potential. It was about the narrative your heart started to write before reality stepped in. He might have offered you a facade, but what you felt in your heart was real. I believe that's what hurts the most, not that he left, but this was his plan all along. To make you believe, to make you fall, just to disappear. That kind of scar leaves you wondering if you were worthy. You miss the person you thought you were investing in. You built something beautiful and you continued to pour into something you thought was worthy of your time, attention, and love. You have the right to miss what you thought was real. He was pretending but you were honest. Your intentions were true, his were calculated. You miss the version of love y...

I had an imaginary friend growing up. A boy just my size, with jet black hair and silver eyes. He'd show up most places when I was alone and more often than not, scared of being alone.  He'd come sit by my side and brush his small fingers through my hair as he hummed a soothing tune. I found comfort with him, but when someone else would join me, he would choose to leave me. He never spoke.  The last time I saw him, he spoke and gave me his name. 'I'm Pokatiavati, that's my name. Call for me when you need me...' was all he said as he walked away.  As I grew older I'd call his name hoping he'd come to me again. He never did.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not gay... I just sort of have a crush on my best friends. So, we're homie-sexuals, not homosexuals..." "Ok, cool, I get that. Homie-sexuals. You do you, boo!"

 "Sometimes, the only closure you will ever have is knowing, deep down, that you had a good heart, that your intentions were pure, that your love was real, and that you truly tried your best through it all. Maybe you never got the chance to say everything that was on your mind. Maybe you were left with questions, confusion, or pain that didn't quite have an answer. Maybe you waited for an apology that never came, but even without that apology, even without that clarity, you still chose to love. You still gave your time. You still showed up. You still stayed kind, even when it felt like the world didn't notice or appreciate that kindness. You remained soft, even when you were expected to harden, and that says something important about who you are. Maybe the closure you thought you needed never came. Maybe the words you longed to hear were never spoken. But you got something else instead, something even better. You got the quiet peace of knowing that you did all you could wi...

 As I sit in the back garden, pulling little elm trees, I realize that these little seedlings are reaching for the sky, wanting to grow big and strong. We, as children, had dreams of what we wanted to happen as we got older. Our dreams of a better life, hoping to find happiness and living peacefully in a better world than we are in at the time. Life goes on, we have ups and downs which makes us stronger, we hope. People come in and out of our lives, some good, some bad, but each leaving a mark.  You, Mr. Ryan, came into mine at a time when most men are thinking about what life has in store for the short time they have left.  I'm going to cherish every moment with you, because you have touched my soul. I thank you for your kindness, love, laughter, your love of your children. Keep going on your journey and I will continue loving being on it with you. I love you.

"You must be proud of yourself for seeing the real in people. You must be proud that you do not allow people who hurt you to turn you into someone like them. Be proud you recognize that people who try to break you are doing so from a place of pain. Be proud how you always choose to be the better human. Be proud of yourself for always taking the higher road. Be proud of yourself for not quickly making judgments or drawing conclusions or painting assumptions about the people who are mean to you. Be proud that you know how difficult life can be and that people can react to situations differently, that some people choose to hurt others, but you, you choose to be kind everyday. Be proud of yourself for not harboring ill feelings towards the ones who did and are still doing you wrong, for quickly forgiving them but never forgetting the lessons. Be proud of how you're able to keep your head high in spite of the mistreatment of others. Be proud because you understand that the source o...

"He was my boring villain, not the least bit interesting. A villain should be interesting and intriguing to give the story depth, the story requires a certain suspension of disbelief. But he was a pathetically boring villain. He was cruel and selfish, he had no depth at all. The only depths he ever got to were my guts, when he wrecked them..."

"He was dangerous. He wasn't deliberately cruel, only constantly contradicting. He wasn't evil, if he was I'd have recognized it and left. He wasn't. He was a terrible partner but to his mother he was a perfect son. He broke me down and then wanted to save me afterwards. Nights I would cry myself to sleep only to wake the next morning to find him making a sweet breakfast for me, pretending like nothing ever happened..."

Dear Ryan J., There are some things I need to say, but please don't be upset by them. If I seem harsh or cruel I am sorry, that is not the way I intended to be, I just want to state my feelings. You need to know clear cut & for sure, exactly how I feel.  #1 - I do not love u as a boyfriend.  #2 - Never did I attempt to get u to ask me to Homecoming, (though there might be another Ryan in US History...) #3 - Though I do not love u, I do not hate u, and I want to be friends if that's ok. If not, just tell me & I'll ignore u the rest of my life. #4 - My grandfather passed away Friday, so if I've seemed upset it's not cuz I hate u, I'm just not having an easy time lately. #5 - I hate the thought of anyone wanting to beat on me. #6 - I hate the thought of anyone calling me a bitch. #7 - I like to face problems, so if they are stupid or untrue, they can be dealt with and put aside. #8 - I firmly believe that most rumors are not true and shouldn't be relied...

  Ryan, I don't hate the play, and I don't hate Kitty. Of course I'll come see it! I don't agree with the scenes that were removed, but hey, they were taken out right? I think it will be really good. I can't write much cuz I have to finish my summary. But I don't think you're a bad person just cuz you are in a play. I'm looking forward to seeing it. Nancy

  Ryan, !Hola! :) I'm sorry I didn't get a note to you sooner. I was going to write during Sacrament meeting but my mom kept trying to see what I was writing. It was really bugging me. Usually it wouldn't, but that time it did, so I didn't write very much (but my note was stupid anyway, so that's okay).  Um... uh oh, I'm rambling, or starting to. I better get to the point before you have to read twenty pages of junk that has nothing to do w/ anything. First of all, let's see... (I'm reading your note so that I remember to answer all your questions.) ...... Bob. Um, sorry to say this, but Bob is getting to be a real jerk. Big time. The truth is if he had asked me the same question, I wouldn't have known what to say either. So for me to tell u what u should have said wouldn't be very nice of me. I don't know if we are 'you know' but if you did ask, the answer would have three letters _ _ _, begin with a Y and end with a S, and have an E...

  Aloha! Isn't this beautiful? I ❤️ it here. Florida, California, this beats them all. If you ever decide to travel, this is the place to go. I just wanted to say hi, and thanks for letting me come with u guyz to Titanic. I enjoyed it, and didn't have to be a loner. See ya later, Nancy

  Ryan, Thanks for letting me borrow this. Sorry that it took awhile to return it. Yer Buddy,                    Nancy

 "I don't know what it is about my apron strings. Everyone always seems to yank on them as they pass, just to watch them unravel and fall behind me, only to laugh as they walk away. What can one do? One laughs, too. That's the only thing to do. But one certain someone around here is a gentleman, and he always ties my apron strings right back up, super tight, just like I like..."

Ryan, !Hola! :) How is life going? OK here, but I am really tired. Oh cool! We have 3 Laurels! :) Rockin'! Um... I am not sure what to say. I feel like writing but I have no clue what to write. Let's see... Oh! I have to ask u something, but first I have to find out from my mom when I am going to Utah this week. I bought you a little stuffed elephant. I think he's cute, maybe I don't want to give him away and that's why I was so stupid and forgot him. I don't know. I got one for Mark, too (a dog), I'm not sure if he liked it or not. Rae, Ea, & Heidi likes theirs. But I guess if u don't like him u can give him to one of them. (I'll give him to you as soon as possible.) This is weird but I'm going to write what I'm thinking. Have u ever wished you could do certain things as well as someone else? Like giving compliments. Sometimes (a lot) I think them, but I'm just too shy to say anything. And other people say everything that comes to mi...

 "I feel like I have so much hate in my heart that I'll never go to heaven. At the same time I also feel that all the things I love will send me straight to hell..." "Heaven is hidden behind things we hate and hell is hidden behind things we love..."

Dear Ryan, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday. How does it feel to be eighteen? I guess I'll know in about, what 5 days, 4? Whatever, as I was about to say, I hope your day is good, and good luck on those play try outs this afternoon. I hope you get a part you want. Your Buddy,                    Nancy  

 hey Love! Will you take my paperwork in too please? It's all here and signed. I Love You! ~ Katie

 hello Love! Hope you slept well! I ran out of time, but if you want to pack us salads that would be great!  Love you!

 hey Love! if you come to town around 1-1:30 I can go with you to see Joie. Just a thought. Love You! - Katie

  hey Love, I hope you're feeling better  I love you! XOXO - Katie

The rain fell softly outside the window as he tried to drift off to sleep. All he could wish for was the man he once loved to be by his side once again. There was nothing like the smell of fresh rain to bring the memories of him back again.

I wish you could understand, it's not just that life is about survival.  It's about maneuvering, shifting, finding the right corner when you need it.  The center when you crave it, the darkness when it shields you. The light when it heals you. You lose your swiftness, and you lose your judgment, and you find yourself in bad corners, blind alleys, alone and confused. I'm there now. Deep in the darkness, alone, with yawning loneliness.  I understand your pain, because I know it now.  Hold on, give it time. All things change...

"Hey are you guys out of cherries?" "Yes we are, they were on sale and they sold really fast..." "Oh damn it, I thought so. I should've eaten them slower..."

"His sperm lives inside of you now and forever. Sperm is alive, it's a living cell. When it is injected into you it swims and swims until it crashes headlong into a wall, and then it attaches and burrows into your flesh. If it's in your mouth it swims and climbs into your nasal passages, inner ear, and behind your eyes. Then it digs in. It enters your blood stream and collects in your brain and spine. Like something out of a scifi movie, it becomes a part of you and you can't get rid of it..."

"I feel I've been on this endless journey, like I've lived one lifetime after another. I can't get it right in one place, so I move on to another place, like a gypsy lost to the road. I keep searching for someone to become, for a place to belong..."  "Perhaps your journey isn't about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so that you can become who you were meant to be in the first place..."

 I was in the tub. I'd drawn a bath after a long day without him, and then an evening with him.  An evening where we'd exchanged words, which were mostly his. Mixed words, harsh words, demanding and controlling words. Words by which I wouldn't abide. As I laid in the tub, I prayed a prayer of despair. A prayer from which I wished to escape his harsh demands and controlling words. Then my prayer was answered, as I walked away, freshly bathed and delivered. Free from a man who wouldn't control me nor truly love me.

"Hey, I was in a store today and a really cute guy bumped into me and said, 'oh excuse me...' He had the most incredible smile and his eyes melted my heart, so I bought him some bananas. Sounds romantic right...??"

 Dear Ryan, I can only give you love that lasts forever, and the promise to be near each time you call. And the only heart I own for you and you alone, that's all, that's all... I can only give you country walks in springtime, and a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall. And the love whose burning light will warm the winter's night, that's all, that's all... There are those I am sure who have told you, they would give you the world for a toy. All I have are these arms to enfold you, and a love time can never destroy. If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear, you'll be glad to know that my demands are small. Say it's me that you'll adore for now and evermore, that's all.  That's all. I love you. Katie Jean