gayNwyo

I may have "moved on"... but that doesn't mean I'm over you. I don't think I'll EVER be over you.  

Good morning. Walk was good. They are watering the crap out of the park, trying to get the dead spots to green up before this weekend.  I'm watering the crap out of my yard to make it beautiful for when an incredible man comes to visit me.  He actually lives in your town. You may have run into him. You can't miss him. He is tall, has the most incredible eyes, gorgeous brown hair, carries himself well. When he speaks it sounds like a beautiful melody. He's kind, everyone who meets him says how wonderful he is.  I think I am very lucky to have met him and now he is a big part of me.  I love you, see you soon.  ❤️💜🩶💙💚🧡

"There was always something about the film that I found so surreal and surrendering, as a small boy it captivated me. I identified with her at first, and then with every character thereafter. They all spoke to my soul, they all wanted something they already had and then lost, then found again. It was about the journey, the friendship and facing all their fears. But more than anything, it was the idea of the rainbow and crossing over it. I feel we are all chasing a rainbow. Some of us find it and some of us don't. But in the end, we all had what we really needed all along..."

"If you choose to write, there is one thing you must remember. Your writing will inevitably take you to terrible places, for you cannot write about something if you haven't lived through it. Yet the most important thing is this, you are there as a visitor and you must remain a visitor. You were blessed with an ability to translate your feelings into words and give voice to your torment and suffering. But please do not be over indulgent with your experience of all these things, despite how addictive your suffering can be. It could be all too easy to get lost down the twisted path of self destruction. You must arise from the adversity, scorched but victorious. You must tell your story and light the way for others to share theirs..."

"I knew that I was done with him, even though I also knew that there could have been so much more between us. I knew that it was right to walk away, even though I wanted to stay. Does that make any sense to you?" "Of course it does. Once you and someone you were connected to have completed your journey together and learned the lessons you needed, the universe ensures that you will never meet again. Does that make sense?" "Absolutely, of course it does..."

"He couldn't stand to be alone, he absolutely couldn't sit with himself long enough to self reflect. I was just the opposite, I loved to be alone, I could stand to sit with my thoughts, feelings and emotions for days. I love self reflection. I think he felt I was selfish for needing my own time..." "Interesting. Why do you think that is?" "I want to know what you think, Doctor Dorothy. That's why I am here. I'm paying you to offer me some insight..." "Paradoxically, the ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love. So you being alone conditioned you to love him in ways that he probably couldn't understand. And his inability to be alone conditioned him to be unable to love you unconditionally. Does that offer you insight, Ryan??"

Ryan, I feel I need to apologize for being mean yesterday w/ the song. I wasn't mad I just shouldn't have had that tude w/ you. Ryan, the old Amy is here & will always care about you no matter where you are or where I am. It is just taking me time to think there are those who are there for me the way Matt was. I'm trying to be independent and that comes out in that I shouldn't bother you guys w/ my problems or how I'm feeling. I wish you the best for the future, you deserve it. I will miss you if you are in Casper & I'm in Montana, but you know what? We can still keep in touch, it will be ok. W/ real friends distance doesn't really change anything. I needed to get those words out. I'm working on expressing myself better & writing helps. Plus I probably won't see you until this weekend & I wanted to apologize.  

  Some fruit for my handsome man.           Good morning                    Love you                          Tom

Hello Brandonian, I know it's the weekend and you don't like being bothered. But I'm having issues with unreliable cashiers who don't want to be here and do their jobs. This has been a consistent issue that's recurring perpetually on the front end. There are no consequences for any of the cashiers, so this continues to happen. This doesn't just impact me and my ability to do my job, but it effects everyone, especially our customers. I'm asking that you please speak with one certain cashier lad about his attitude and work ethic. He left for his lunch after being rude and dismissive, he called me a mother fucker as he walked out, stating he wouldn't be coming back. I feel I work too hard around here to be disrespected like that. I look forward to more grocery store shenanigans when I return from my vacation... Ryonian 

 On this day 14 years ago, a new generation came into your life. The emotional connection was instant and the fear and doubts ran through your mind, heart and soul. Can I be a good father? I hope he'll know I will love him unconditionally. I have so many questions.  Years pass and you begin to see a young man emerge from your little boy. Still much growing is going to happen, ups and downs, yet he will always be your little boy.  I'm honored to watch you grow with him. Your kindness is already showing in him. Fears and doubts are still there, but they always will be, that's what a father does. Congratulations! I love being able to be with you on your journey through life. You make me a better man. I love you Ryan!  ❤️ 💙 💜 

"He could've avoided a whole lot of trouble and heartache if he just minded his own business. But no, he had to keep reading his blog. What a schmuck... He must not have much going on in his new life if he keeps not minding his own business..."

Good evening Ryan, By strange scrolling fingers in the night I found your blog, and my what a surprisingly deep, dialogue filled delight it was to read. I found so much raw truth, tenacity and tenderness in reading it. Sure, some of it might be sexy, slanderous, silly, sloppy and cynical. But overall I found it teaming with depth and a desire to tell the truths even if they burned. To make one laugh when a situation was hopeless seemed to be a theme throughout. Your personal letters were an extra delight, and your poetry is poignant. You've got something here, Ryan, and sharing it is daring. It's clear you've got background education in English, Theater and Psychology. I understand you're also working on a book, which I look forward to devouring.  Please continue to blog, for it seems to be your calling.  Cheers, Michael Stephen Mitchell 

  Ryan, I'm writing this because there are a few more things I would like to say to you since you are moving. I would like to talk to you in person but you are very maturely not talking to me for the hundredth time in our friendship. I can not believe that you would want to leave things this way. Adults don't act the way you're acting. Don't worry, it's to the point now where I know I am making complete peace w/ the fact you aren't ever going to talk to me. You've made it clear by slamming doors in my face, while smiling. By hanging up on me. I am done trying to be your friend. I want to give these things you gave me back because I want no memory of you or our long friendship. It means so little to you so why should it mean anything to me? If you want to give some things back to me so you can completely forget, feel free. Ryan, you know I can take comfort in the fact I was a good & giving person to you. I really do try to be a good person and friend almo...

He was my smirking Judas, A man I once trusted, Born to betray me. I was his sweet, smiling Jesus, A man he once followed, Born to die for him. I knew I could never trust him, But I loved him, And forgave him, Ultimately. Even though he had, A cock eyed smirking grin, With devilish intentions. R.L.J.

Ryan, I'm writing to you because I don't have Sandy's address & she won't talk to me anyway. I don't know what happened while I was there w/ you two, but it felt like you both didn't really want me there. Maybe not so much you, but I knew Sandy had a problem w/ me, though she couldn't tell me, she had to be two faced. I had thought her & I were past her hatred of me but was proved wrong. I called her to talk to her about this & she wouldn't at first, until I told her how I felt she didn't want me there. I know you feel torn & maybe don't know who to believe. I'm tired of caring who you believe anyway. I know I'm a better person than to do that to anyone. For the umpteenth time I didn't do a damn thing to Sandy's car. I can't worry about that anymore. It was hard to deal w/ when I was there. It's unnecessary drama, but I guess it will never end. Ryan I hope you know I'm not a 'lying little bitch'...

  Dear Ryan, I am writing in hopes that you can move past any anger and we can be on good terms. I'll admit I've said things out of hurt and anger that I didn't mean. Ryan, I understand you want to leave this town and I support that. After everything I still care about you as a friend and your happiness. I hope you can go out and do what you want to do. And when you move on I would really like us to be friends and communicate. Ryan we have been friends for years (remember PE class) and I have good memories. I really don't want us to be on bad terms. I don't want to be hurt or angry anymore, but when you don't have anything do do w/ me it hurts. I don't know if this letter will do any good of if you hate me so much you can never move past it but I'm praying that's not the case. Again I am sorry for hurting you or being a pain in the butt. I never meant to and if you never talk to me again I still wish you the best. If by chance you do want to talk to ...

Ryan, I don't know if you'll write back. I hope you will but this is the only way I know to keep in touch w/ you. Things are good here. My cousin moved out & took a lot, even the shower curtain, but that's ok I can't be mad for long, we are family. I'm looking for a different job so wish me luck. I'm excited about next school year already because I should be getting my Bachelors Degree in Social Work & I'm thinking about moving to Minneapolis w/ Nikky, getting a job & going for my Masters Degree, because Minneapolis is where one of the best graduate schools for Social Work is. I want to go back & visit in August before school starts, but I also want to visit Josh in Omaha, I didn't get to visit Nikky & that bummed me out so if I can't visit Josh I definitely will visit. I'll let you know or maybe I'll surprise everybody. Tell Heidi I said hi & I hope all is well, I really would like you to write back. Luv, Amy :) P.S. ...

 This is a thank you note. Thank you for being there. For saying I love you, When I feel hard to love. Thank you for being my friend, I know it isn't easy. Thank you for telling me I'm pretty, Even though I don't always believe you. Thank you for making me feel strong, When I feel weakest. Thank you for helping me see good, When I feel really bad. Thank you for never giving up on me, When I feel like giving up. For these things and more we are friends, Friends today, friends tomorrow, We will always be friends. Thank you Ryan

Ryan, I know you think I'm smothering. The last thing you want right now is to see me, let alone get a letter from me. I want you to know I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'll admit I ask too much from you, it is too much to ask you to listen to me when you have other things to think about, it is very selfish of me. I hope I haven't asked for too many chances at reconciliation. I have known you for many years now & the friendship we have means so much just because it has lasted this long. It is because I think of you as such a good friend that I'd hate for it, our friendship, to be over. I'm not asking for sympathy or asking for anything in this letter, because I know I've asked too much from you as it is. I just want you to know I've been wrong, I really do see that & that things can be different. Also, honestly I'm tired of the he said she said bull. So having said that you can take what you want from this. I don't w...

Looking around his home, there wasn't much to look at and admire. He wasn't a great housekeeper. He had only one book in the entire house. He had some expensive glassware that he had big dreams for, as if he'd one day have an elaborate party with a dozen friends who would say, "Gosh but you have elegant taste in glassware, wherever did you find this?"

 He stood barefoot in the box office. Where he'd stood so many times before. But this time he was to be on stage after selling to a sold out house on opening night.  As Jesus The Christ.

 “Everybody has a secret world inside of them, Ryan. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody, no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe...”

 I was thinking my request of a conversation may have overwhelmed you. To condense, I have thought of two things for you to ponder for yourself.  1. Where is your relationship with Jesus Christ?  2. Have you peace in your life? I can testify to you that as I have come to know Him and understand His desires for me peace has settled in my heart.  I'll wait for you to begin a conversation.  XOXO 💚 💜 ❤️ 💙 

Ry-Ry, Here is Carolyn's house key. I hope you will take it to her soon because I thought I'd send the key with a letter to you instead of waiting to get her address. I would have called her mom except I have to be careful with my minutes. So that led me to think that I should just go ahead & mail the key to you, so please, please get it to her soon. I thought I had taken the key out of my purse & left it there but it was in my pocket. Also, don't worry I'm not gonna be a pain in the neck calling. I know you're busy with school & work & everything else. I would like to know what happened w/ auditions though. But again, believe me I know what it's like to be busy, I'm seriously thinking of quitting my job. I'm going to have to next fall when I'm doing my internship because that's going to be 40 hrs a week just w/ that. Ryan I still don't know where I'm gonna go when I'm done here, it's kind of scary. I did have fun ...

  Ryan, Thanks for being a friend who would love me no matter what. Even if I only had one arm. (ha, ha) I'm sorry I took so long to send you something back. I wanted to send Hershey's HUGS (ha, ha) but I wasn't sure if you would like them & so here's some money to buy whatever you would like.  I hope you know I still love you too. I'll be your friend when your hair and your teeth fall out. (ha, ha) I'll still be your friend when pigs fly. Lots of Luv always, Amy :)

"Nobody will protect you from your suffering, Ryan. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal..."

"Hey Ryan...???" "Yes sir??" "I have a migraine and I'm leaving for lunch and I won't be coming back." "Really? No. I need you to come back. We are down one cashier and another one is already threatening not to come back after her lunch. I need you to be here..." "Too bad, I won't be coming back." "Ok then, whatever." "Whatever, why don't you go blog about it mother fucker..."

He was always so nervous before he went on stage. He'd pace the wings where he'd yawn and burp, preparing himself to grace the stage. It was his bodies way of paving the way.

I gave him a cactus plant, a gift to me from my brother, a gift I gave to him.  In faith I brought it to him, believing his place would be a place for it to grow. After all, how hard is it to keep a cactus alive? It would have died there, so I took it away. Now, two years later it thrives, more than a foot tall. I had to take it away after all. Just as I had to take myself away. We both would have died there.

"Isn't it sad, Ryan... We live in a world where funerals matter more than the person who died, and we all seem to want to remember them when it's too late. And a world where a weddings matters more than the love that exists between two people, and where physical features matter more than the intellect someone has. We live in a container culture, which looks at the package and despises the contents..."  

Every night, he made up his bed, his nest, his perfect little cocoon. He'd shake the sheets out in the air and lay them flat and straight, pressing them down just right. Then he'd layer on another crisp, cozy layer down on top of the others. Next he'd arrange all the pillows with delight, knowing he'd soon be nestled safely within his perfectly arranged and only slightly deranged cozy little cocoon. Where he'd wiggle down for the night.

"You've got cool charisma Ryan, you really do. I was watching you from a distance and boy how you ooze with cool charisma..."

 "You'll heal. Your healing will happen when you learn to speak what matters most, so you are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting yourself be seen and known for who you really are. I can see who you are, and you are beautiful. I wish you could see you the way I see you..."

He found himself in the depths of sin, Deep down in the darkest of sins. It was there that he found himself, There in the dark, In the darkest of sins. He saw himself for who he really was, He wasn't the depths, Or the darkness, Nor the sins. He saw through it all, Through the dark depths, Through the sins, From beginning to end. And he forgave himself.  R.L.J.

 "I'll probably always have one foot stuck in sadness, while the other foot is in the doorway to happiness. There are parts of me that dance in the sunshine, while the other parts drown in the rain. I am the one in the room who laughs the loudest while grief stings and pulls me backward. Don't try to pull me one way or the other, because one cannot. I exist simultaneously happy and sad, and at any given moment either one can take hold. One side cannot exist without the other..."

"Did you just see that guy come through here, all arrogant and judgemental, like he owned the place? Did you see how he looked down his nose at me?? What a douche knuckle...!"

I was in the garden with my mother. The day was hot, I was sweating. My hair was long and I was young. I smelled of young sweat and faintly of a cigarette I'd smoked a few hours ago. I had a freshly pierced ear, with a single bead half way up my lobe. My mother paused, then gasped. "Oh, my. What is that? You don't want people to think you're..." She didn't finish her sentence. She'd meant to say, "gay..." A word she never dared to say.

There was a night that had a thousand eyes, and the day that had just one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

"I find myself feeling lonely, when I'm in a room full of people, sometimes surrounded by people that I love. Why do you suppose that is...?" "Loneliness doesn’t come from having no one around you. It stems from being unable to communicate the things that are most important to you. Loneliness is rarely about empty rooms. It's about holding onto words you cannot say and truths you do not feel safe to share..."

He was a gay young Nazi boy. His blood was pure, his complexion fair with abundant white hair. The world was his and his future seemed brighter than the sun. Until the sun set one night and his lusty desires got the best of him. His attention turned to another young lad, one he wished he had. When his affections weren't returned and the boys clashed by night, that gay young Nazi boy was beat to death and hung out to dry in the pale moonlight.

  Ryan, Carolyn & I were thinking it would be fun for us to have some drinks Thur. night or tonight. You should call me from the payphone. ------> Please call even if it's to say you can't make it. We just think it'd be fun. Luv Always, Amy & Carolyn I love you son! MOM P.S. Shakespeare & Ryan Rule!

Ryan, I am very sorry that, that picture made you think I was mad. It didn't have to do w/ you but w/ my own insecurities & how bad I feel about myself these days. I'm sorry about how me having trouble dealing w/ my situation right now ends up w/ you thinking I'm mad or you being mad at me. Ryan you have been a great friend & I want to thank you for being there as much as you have. I don't want there to be any tension or stress between us. I know lately I have caused there to be. I also know life is short & how friends can come & go. I will make a promise to you that I will enjoy life & think positive if you try to do the same. Ryan, I want you to remember that I will treasure our friendship & love you always. You mean a lot to me. Thank you again for being such a good friend. Luv always, Amy :) XOXO 

He couldn't stand the silence, the quiet, the feeling of being still or alone. So he crafted background noise, to keep him distracted. Distracted from the silence, the quiet, the feelings of being alone and still. The background noise was there to keep him from himself. 

  Ryan, I thought I'd write to you because it's nearly impossible to call you. I understand you are in school & have no phone & no wheels, I'm very proud of you for the school thing, I hope u are enjoying it. I'm doing well, still adjusting. I found a job at Pizza Hut, not the greatest but it's money & the people are nice. I work w/ a guy from Shoshoni & a cute guy named Patrick who makes me laugh. I've met a lot of my cousins friends & they all seem nice. We had a party & it was fun, she has a friend who reminds me of Josh, only straight - except he painted his nails - his name is Nate. I'm sending you a pic of my cousin, our puppy & trailer, it's nice. I'm hoping you will write back & send them back to me - I also have pics from Much Ado About Nothing. I might come for break in Oct. - it all depends on if I can't go to Minneapolis to see Nicky. My parents are moving to Douglas so I might have to see them. I'l...

  Ryan,  I'm writing because I haven't heard from you & just wonder why. I understand that you are busy w/ school again, maybe you don't have stamps & an envelope (so I sent an addressed envelope). I'm just asking for a response to my last letter. Also since being here I've given thought to how immature I used to be, and wanted to say now I truly understand how hard I used to be to deal w/, & you were great to still talk to me after some of the fits I threw. I have found a confidence in myself being here that I never knew I could have. It is a good thing & I would like to know how things are w/ you. I'm sorry things couldn't have worked out better when I was there but then I didn't have much control over that. If you are mad at me too you can tell me & I'll leave you alone, but I still would like to know. Hope everything is good. Your pal, Amy

 I want to scream  I want to cry I want to run  I want to die I want the truth I want to know What made her say things so I want to try I want to live I want to fly I want to give I need to hope I need to play I need to not  These games play I hope it ends This pain I feel  I hope again  I can be real I hope to love And be loved in return  I hope someday She does learn To love herself  To love and cherish To find her smile  And happiness cherish I hope she finds peace within I hope she holds And doesn't give in.  I do love her I can't deny With every tear  That falls from my eye Each slice Each cut Each wound that widens Like a rose with thorns  My grip just tightens  It's grown so much  It blooms so bright It comes from manure  Then treated just right Outward beauty And fresh scent too But with it comes pain A thorn or two.  J.M. From a friend, about a girl he loves.

I fell in love with words when I was very small. I soon realized that there was nothing in the world as powerful as words. When spoken, words were wonderous and wieldy. Then I learned to write, and words became even more wonderfully powerful. I would write on the page, gaze upon the words and they would begin to sparkle and shine.

 He sat naked in the bathroom, upon his favorite chair, with a book open in his palms. Calling upon arch angels with ancient names printed in a book.  Calling upon them to answer his prayers and make his dreams come true.

"Hey Ryan, nice new glasses. You look like a nerdy smart guy who has a new found appreciation for jazz music..." "Thanks mister man. Turns out I have really good insurance, and since I'm getting another promotion I thought I'd get a real boujee pair with all the bells and whistles..." "They are nice and also somewhat sexy..." "Ah, you flatter me too much... The sweet lady that fitted them out for me told me that this pair was my training bra pair, and that my prescription would only increase from here. She's a real sweetheart."

"I need you to play this role straight Ryan. You've got a tendency to be slinky and seductive, snotty and slight, but only slightly gay. However, I need you to take the gay away. Keep all the rest of that, but cut out the gay... Okay...??" "Yes sir, whatever you say..."

Steven,  I hope you remember me one day, and recall the love that we had. I hope you recollect me fondly, and maybe even miss me, if only for a moment. Because the love I had for you was pure, and the trust I put in you was great, and I don't even hate you for throwing it away. I don't even hate you for breaking me, because I know it broke you too. You were broken to begin with, and I just wish that you hadn't used me as an emotional crutch. I was worth more than that. I was and am a living, breathing human being, with a beating, compassion-filled heart, one that was prepared to accept you, imperfections and all. But it didn't work out, and we have both moved on, but I do still remember you. I could never forget a love like that, no matter how badly it ended. Ryan

"We can't always go running to Daddy about things like this. Sometimes we can resolve these matters before taking it all the way to the top..." "The top. Isn't that funny? Daddy is the top and Mommy is telling me to not bring it to Daddy's attention..." "Well, there's one whiny baby boy around here who loves running to Daddy..." "You must mean me...?" "No. You aren't the only baby boy around here..."

 It was brutal the amount of times his fingers had tapped the surface of his lifeless screen with the ache to reach effortlessly into the pulse of another human being. And yet he sat there, once again...