Deep Huh?

11/5/97

Well, I don't very often get the urge to write in my journal, but here I am again. I want to write tonight about life, mine in particular. I don't really know what to say, except, what does it all mean? Why have I gone to bed so many nights thinking about it? So many questions running through my mind. There are times when I've felt like I was all there, with it, ready to conquer the world. Then I was down, out of it, trying to tell the difference between my imagination and the world as I want it to be, and the plain cruel reality. I find myself hoping, when I fall asleep, that I'll wake up and the confusing world would only have been a figment of my imagination. Another question, one of the many: When you're taught something all of your life, do you have to believe it, even if you don't?

My family, all of us, are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints. There are certain principles and basic beliefs I'm not sure of. Is there a God? Is the LDS church really the only true church on this earth? Are the scriptures true? It's hard to imagine something so phenomenal, so powerful, so essential to our existence... Why can't I understand it? I understand it, some of it, but I cannot accept it. Out of fear maybe... Fear that this could all be true. Fear that I could never be all that I should be. It's possible that man, in his overactive imagination wanted there to be a God, someone to rely on, when no one else was there for him. Someone to believe in, someone to hold on to. We had to believe in something, or someone, so we did. And sometimes we make ourselves believe in something or someone that maybe, possibly, couldn't be there. And we wanted it there so badly, we made ourselves believe it, feel it and see it. But if there is a God, a being capable of reading our thoughts, creating us, and this world we live in, a being with all the powers we know of and more. I want to know, more than anything, if there is a God, a plan, a purpose, why are so many going without it, walking blindly in a world they don't really understand? 

Forget everything I've said earlier in my journal about me believing in what I'm supposed to, I don't. It may be a disappointment for a lot of people, thinking I did, and really, in all actuality, never did. It's scary, really scary, some of the things I think of, some of them no one will ever know. Most kids my age are worried about how good they look, how many people know them, worship them and want to be like them. Worried about what people think, and how to get some booze or pot for this weekends party, kegger, whatever. How popular am I, how much money I've got. I'm not worried about those things, they could go to hell for all I care. As long as I feel good about me, and about the ones that matter to me, the people I love, it'll be ok.

And even if there's no one to run to, I have me, little and disappointing as I am. I'll be ok. No one will ever really know the real me, not even me. Deep huh? Just some thought about me, people, life and beliefs.

Ryan Jevne