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'My Curse'

 7/12/04

Ryan -

I know I just wrote you, but as a part of who I am, there is more I need to say.

Ryan, I love you; more than you want, and more than I want. I don't mean to scare you, I know you don't want to be too serious, and I don't either. I don't want you to think I expect marriage or promises, I don't. All I expect is for you to be able to hug me. To be able to be near me without pushing me away. I wish it didn't, but you don't realize how bad it hurts.

I know I'm childish and have childish ideas, but I do and I am. I can't help it, but I have this idea of 'my curse.' I cannot keep a boyfriend for more than four months. I know it is a silly superstition, but I can't help it. In ten days it will be four months. If I didn't feel like it was indefinitely going to end, I doubt it would be so hard. You asked me once if even knowing that it will end, would it still be worth it to make it last as long as possible. I thought about it and decided yes, it is worth it.

The thing is, I feel like I only have ten days, and if those days are going to be like the last week, I don't know if I can do it. However, if at some point it will be like it used to be, I am more than willing to keep trying.

The truth is, I know I love you, more than anyone I have known. I know this scares you and I know you don't feel the same. I can't break up with you Ryan; as much as it hurts, I can't do it. I know you don't like the responsibility put on you, but if you are too scared or if you are unsure, you have to end it. I literally cannot.

I know my thoughts are scattered, but please bear with me. I am trying, but I can't understand how you can say that you love me and still refuse to touch me. Ryan, if you want me at all, if you love me, even the slightest, I need you to show it. I've been hurt and mislead too many times to believe just words. I don't expect making love, I don't expect promises, just the fact of you being able to be with me, touch me, hug me or kiss me, and not just because I want it but because you love me enough to want to give it.

If you simply cannot do this, Ryan, please don't hurt me any more. If we only have ten days left let's make it worth it. You said to try and to always make the time you have worth it, so please, LET ME. If you are going to drag out the ending, let me be near you. Let me try to make a happy ending. I love you, please let me know what to do.

Love Always,

                Katie Jean Krammer

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