gayNwyo

"Still awake, Ryan?" "Yes. I'm exhausted and terribly worried. And naive." "Naive? To what, do you mean?" "To life. To love, and to everything that hides in the shadows." "You mean, he who hides in the shadows?" "Yes, I love him..." "There are so many kinds of love it's so hard to know which ones we are feeling. There is romantic and platonic, committed and fleeting. Even the kind of love that is forbidden by society, the kind we have to keep hidden from the ones we love the most..."

"I loved to be alone and he did not. That was one of the differences between us. He seemed so afraid to spend time alone. Like he feared he might have to face himself in his own loneliness. But what he didn't understand, and I did, was that in the aloneness was where all the answers were waiting..."

"All I ever wanted with you Ryan, was to stay the night with you. To sleep with you, to stay the whole night through with you. To wake up next to you and know that we had been there for each other through the night..."

"He spoke only two words, in two seconds, only two in two. And it's taken him forever to fix those two words. And it may take me forever to forgive him for those two words..."

"Ryan, I've got to tell you what Jerry said about you..." "Oh gosh, let me hear it..." "He said you were immature and childish and that you deserved to be punched. He also said that all you do all day is laugh, sing and dance..." "Well, that sounds like Jerry. He's a miserable man who can't stand to see anyone happy. And at the end of the day he licks his fingers several times as he counts all the dirty money that comes through this little grocery store. It makes me sad that he feels the need to be so darn mean hearted every single day..."

"How do you do it, Ryan? I don't think I could. When you are up there on stage, aren't you afraid?" "Of course I am. I may appear confident up there. But before I step out there I'm an awful mess. Yet I know I must risk it all, because if I don't I know I'd be letting the fates down. Destiny waits out there on stage, and I must meet her there."

I'm going to sleep with your pillow tonight. Your essence is so intoxicating to me. Xoxo  I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and legs like last night. I find it sexy that you're sleeping with my pillow. XOXO Heading to bed. I have your pillow and I will be dreaming about you and me. Sweet dreams. I love you! Sleep well sweet man! I love you! 

Ryan - I wish I knew what to say to you. I'm trying to think rationally whether or not this relationship should go on. I will admit that I have not told anyone as of yet that we are "taking a break." Does just taking a break mean you are still my boyfriend? I guess I'm still not clear on that. It seems easier today, I can't say why, it just does. I don't know if this means that I don't care for you as much as I thought I did or if I think we will just get back together. A lot of the time I want to. I want to be able to hold your hand when I get the urge, or kiss you, or just hug you. At the same time I think deep down it is best to let it end. It would make sex a lot easier to do without, that's for sure. And I suppose we aren't exactly a great match in more ways than one. Most of all marriage. Do you want it or don't you? Let's say you did, what about kids? Once I am married I can assure you I do not want to use birth control. I like kids,...

"No one has the power to hurt you Ryan. Even if they insult you, yell at you or cry abuse. It will always be your choice, in the moment to view what is happening to you as hurtful or not. If someone hurts you, it is only your reaction that hurts. You see, when someone provokes you, it is only your view of the events that you react to. Control your emotions, don't let them ignite you. Don't react in the moment. Stay in the moment, take a wider view and compose yourself."

Ryan: hi honey. You are having a bad day again. I wish that I could fix it for you. I know I can't, but I do know what will help. You need to go to church again Ryan. I know you don't want to, and it is hard for you, but it would help. It's like there is a part of you missing, there's a hole that I know church can fill. I am glad Steve and the missionaries came to see you. To tell you the truth, I don't think it was just chance that my phone was at your house that night. God wants you to be happy, and he knows what you need to make you truly happy. It is so hard for me to see you so unhappy most of the time. Sometimes I wish I could leave you and not deal with it. But I love you enough that I can't. You mean a whole lot to me and I am willing to go through that pain, hoping some day you might love me as much as I love you.

I know somehow that you'll be sticking around your touch is so sweet your kisses a treat your smile makes my heart want to fly! Cuz you're my angel standing by. Well, now, some people may laugh and they'll watch as we pass But there's one thing I know is true When you came around my feet left the ground and that's how I knew I loved you! Now sometimes I wonder what my life would be, If someone took you away from me. And in an instant I know that wherever you go that's the place that I want to be. I would fly to the moon I'd sit on a star There's nothing that I wouldn't try If it could bring me to that angel standing by, Cuz all I need is you, my angel standing by. 4-8-03   2:00am K.J.K.  

"Ryan, life will break you. But when it does it is because you need put back together in a new way. All the broken shattered pieces will find new places, new meaning and new purpose. It is only in the broken places that the light will shine in. When you're broken you are whole. You are not broken, you are breaking through."

If this were my last night on Earth, There's nowhere I'd rather be, Than here in your arms, Wrapped up in your charms. Ryan, Thank you for last night. I could die happy knowing that that last night was with you.

"Where is all this blog material coming from, Ryan?!" "From my real life. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. It's beautiful, isn't it...? "It's beautifully ugly and brilliant at the same time..."

Spreading Holiday Cheer This Year! I FREAKING LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH! Merry Christmas! I hope you have an absofuckinglutely amazing day. You are wonderful and the best friend anyone could ask for. But, you're mine... So yeah! Love you, Kat XOXO's P.S. it's 12:45pm and I'm half asleep  Zzz

Dear Ryan, I hope that someday you can thank yourself for loving yourself instead of settling for less than the love that you deserve. You'll find one day that the pain you feel now is a piece of the healing, the pain won't last forever. You will realize that you made the right decision to walk away from people and places where you feel like you are unappreciated and unvalued. You are brave enough to choose yourself this time. You are brave enough to let go of all the things that hurt you, even though you love them more than anything else. My dearest self, you are strong enough to survive all the suffering that you've been through, and I know that you'll be proud of it someday. I want you to know that you deserve to give yourself a break from everything that tortures your heart and soul. You deserve to be happy, even after any heartbreak. You deserve to give yourself peace, even after being miserable for so long. One day, you will thank yourself for treating yourself be...

Ryan ~ hello honey! where are you? I hope you are not sick again. I will call you as soon as class is over. We are just discussing the reading from last time. We didn't have a quiz and I would not be surprised if we got out of class early. Wes still looks like he is not feeling well.  

Sometimes I look at you and I see sad, sad eyes I see a smile that you try to hide behind. I see a soul that is trying to break free to tell you the truth, I see a lot of what's in me. I also see a sparkle and a twinkle in your eye as slowly you forgive the things you try to hide. Your eyes are the ones I love to see as they gaze with such intensity your smile is of the dearest kind, formed by lips so full and fine. All in all I've come to learn why for you I feel this burn. In all these things I've come to know. You still feel the love you cannot show. K.J.K.

"Tom, you'll never know what today means to me. You've restored the spirit of Christmas to my heart. I love you!" "You are the one who has made this holiday season special for me. You are the grandest Christmas present I could ask for. I love you so, Ryan!"

Ryan, You asked me today after we showered if it had felt different. I didn't really know what you meant. But I have been thinking about it, and something was different. I don't think it was just when making love. I noticed it as soon as you said you had been looking for me. It seems so long since you have come looking for me. I don't know what happened today, but something changed between the first time I saw you and you were going to class, and when I came over around 1:00. You wrote something, something important enough to keep in your book. It may have nothing to do with me, but somehow it affected us today, the way you looked at me and touched me. When I walked over to look at your Lucy Book you grabbed my hand tight, like you didn't want to let go. I am not sure that is the case, but whatever it was it felt good! You looked at me differently and you were smiling, whether or not it was me, I am not sure, but it seemed genuine. Just the fact that you not only let me...

"Ryan, you were his soulmate, not someone who came into his life peacefully. You came into his life to make him question things, someone who changed his reality. You marked a before and an after in his life. You were someone he idealized, an ordinary man and you revolutionized his world in a few short months..."

"It hurts so much. Isn't it strange how they can be there in your life for days, weeks, months and sometimes years, and then they are not? Maybe it ended well, or maybe it didn't, maybe it was bittersweet or maybe it was tragic. It's so bizarre either way how relationships change so vast and fast, isn't it? But you know what? There may not be any peace or closure between the two of you and that's all just fine. The end of that relationship may have been one of the hardest things you have gone through in your life. You need to know that is okay and that your heart can still ache because of what happened. You have memories of him and those memories you have can't be erased no matter how they hurt. He's a part of your story, whether you like it or not. Remembering those memories can be tough and you may wish to forget them, but don't forget, focus on what came from the relationship. Your paths crossed for a reason, you walked through hard times togethe...

"I'm an orphan now, everyone I know is gone. Steven is gone. So, it's just me for Christmas, which is nice. It'll be peaceful and quiet. You know, he hasn't even called me since he moved away. I called him once and he said he had an interview at a bank I guess. He's always said he's just too busy to talk to me. He's so busy he never slows down, he'll never stop running. He'll run himself to death one of these days..."  "You're right, Frank. I couldn't keep up with him, he was too much for me, he wore me out..."

Dear Ryan, I wish I knew how to tell you how much I love you. It tears me up to think about ever not being with you! With all of this madness the past couple days, I feel like I've done a lot of nagging and complaining and I have failed to tell you how grateful I really am for all you do! You are a sweet and thoughtful man and you are so good to me! With all my 'hobbies' and messes, I'm sure I'm enough to drive someone mad! Yet you still love me. You take care of me and do so many simple, sweet things that mean so much. Even the fact that you fix my falling apart car or that you help me reach things I'm too short to get bring a smile to my face and I think about how much I love you. I am so grateful for your support and encouragement with my cakes and when I was auditioning for A.C.T., you are always there for me. I'm so sorry for the craziness lately. I feel terribly that I reacted so quickly without listening to you first. I will sincerely try to listen be...

"I could fall asleep right here..." I confessed as I laid my face sweetly into his silver haired chest.

"My mom just needed me by her side. She left after a strange conversation. She was talking about end of life plans and what she wants when she passes. I felt like I was talking to her for the last time. It broke me up, and I cried when she left." "Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. It is so hard when parents talk about that. We all have to face the reality that we are only here for a short time. For her to talk to you tells me she knows you are the one that will make sure her wishes are met. How incredibly honored that must be, that she looks at you as the son that she loves so deeply that she knows you are her king of swords, the guardian, the protector. I was eight years old when my mother told me that I would have to take care of my sister when they were dead. How's that for putting a heavy burden on a child? I love you and please know I'm not going to ever let you be without me by your side." "I'm overwhelmed. I've never met someone as deeply as ...

I wore my wounds and scars on my sleeve, and I told you from the beginning what they were and how they got there, and you told me they were beautiful. But your eyes were shallow and could only see things skin deep, none of the pain hidden behind my smile could you see. You would rather believe the daydream of me, even if my flaws seemed ideal, and my weakness you used as a loophole into my heart. Yet our happiness wasn't found in the dreams we had together, and when you glimpsed the skeletons that danced in the closets of my nightmares, you were faced with your own demons. Seeing into the darkness and sadness of my mind, your own despair blinded you to the strength it would take to carry me with a wide open heart. Then it all became wounded, wicked accusations, shattering the illusions of love we once clung so desperately to.

To: My Love Ryan! What the heck is all this stuff? Magnet: where I live Little shell: from Barefoot Beach in Bonita Springs Key chain: from the Coconut Plantation Resort in Bonita Springs Big Shell: from day at Sunset Beach with kids Starfish: "surprise" from Walgreens Panties: surprise from the mall... I have some to match... P.S. if the flower survived, it is from Bonita Springs 7-8-06

Have you plans for tomorrow? I was going to start baking. I would love if you would join me. If you have things to do, I understand. I just need to get the cookies and baklava done. I can fix clam chowder and we can bake, snuggle and play Christmas music and sing.  I'll wear my bamboo underwear and alpaca hoodie! Snuggles, singing and snacks sound fabulous!  Did I say anything about clothes? Naked baking might be fun... Anything you like, my Tom! You make my heart full. Same mister, same!

When my soul was lost in a wicked world where nothing and no one seemed to numb the unrelenting pain that consumed me, I would reach for my usual God replacements. The distractions, the delights, the drugs, the damned shameless things of the world that promised short term escape from unending troubles. These were my God replacements. If only I had surrendered and reached out for an invisible God, instead of toxic, short term, tangible addictive substances, which delivered nothing but an endless cycle of misery. 

To the Greatest Fiance in the World! I know that this Christmas is far from what you are used to, but I hope you have enjoyed it. I really couldn't have asked for anything more than to have you here with me! I love you so much and in many ways you have saved me! I'm glad you never gave up on me, though at time I'm sure you wanted to. We are going to have many difficult times, as all couples do, but I know that nothing will ever make me happier than creating a family with you that will be sealed for eternity! I love you! Merry Christmas! ~ Katie

To My Princess Ry-Ry I wanted to write you a poem, but I'm just not that talented. Basically, I just want to say you are great! You make me smile, make me laugh, sometimes make me blush! I know I will never meet anyone as great as you again and I thank God for the time and the memories I have. There's a million more thoughts I just can't put into words so I hope you know the full meaning in I LOVE YOU!

Heading to bed.  Tomorrow I am yours..... and any day thereafter.  Sweet dreams. I love you Ryan Jevne.

He'd met his match, His match in me. We'd met each other, Each other in we. We were a match, A match in we. We met our match, We in each other, we. Yet we couldn't see, We weren't a match, As we expected to be. He and I,  He and me. R.L.J.

Don't hold your breath, Don't turn around, Don't glance my way, Don't pretend you care. I no longer breathe for you, Or turn for you, Or glance your way, I never really cared, Not for you, Not in any way. Yet I still hold my breath for you, And turn around expecting to find you, Hoping someday you'll glance my way, Knowing you'd always care. You still breathe for me, As I do for you.  You still turn inside for me, As I do for you.  I'll hold my breath forever for you, I'll turn around expecting you, I'll glance around for you, I'll always, forever care, Forever for you. R.L.J.

Hello Lovely! I am so sorry this day has been so crazy! I was really hoping to spend more time with you! Will be at the Burgard's til about 8. I think there are leftovers in the fridge in the white box. I Love You! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO! ~ Kitty

To: My Love of my Life! From: His Little Wife XOXO

"Initially, when he hurt me so deeply, I had no immediate reaction, I was numb. It was as if I was in shock, a frozen state of disbelief. How could he possibly hurt me like that? I just couldn't grasp it. I couldn't react, I didn't raise my voice or cause a scene. Instead, I carried the pain silently, maintaining the same love, warmth and compassion I had always had for him. But inside, deep down inside, something had changed, I was not the same, things had shifted in my heart. I had to slowly distance myself, not with anger, but with silence and acceptance. I slowly created a space, walking away one night at a time without a dramatic goodbye or a long look back. I felt I needed to be valued deeper and trusted without question, but he didn't allow me that. He broke the trust first, without ever recognizing or acknowledging it. The trust wasn't shattered all at once, it faded away, one night at a time, leaving me with no choice but to protect my own peace. I ref...

"I can just tell myself that we would be together if circumstances were different, but damn the luck! Even though it's honestly not true at all. I've decided that I crush on people that I know are unattainable because it hurts less being without them than it would crushing on someone who is available and I'm either too scared to approach or more likely wouldn't have any interest in me. Just a stray observation. I get a lot of personal insights about myself from time to time. But I don’t ever use that information for anything." "That's an awful shame, you're a real likable guy, you just don't trust and are reluctant to let people in because you've been hurt by some hard hearts in your past. May I suggest that you let people take you for who you are, give them a chance. You never know unless you try. You must remember, you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Take the shots. Have the crush, whether they are attainable or...

Hope your day was good and your evening will be restful. I went for a really long walk and got more leaves swept up and put on the compost pile. I also got compliments on the tree on the porch and gave you full credit for it's design. Then I got the third degree on "who is Ryan?" Nosy people. Love you! ❤️❤️❤️ I'm still working, til 9, but my day has been busy and fun. I'm glad your day was full. I like that people ask about me. I've been complimented on how happy I am. I tell them it's Tom... ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 

The black angel of death came to me one night. One night when I wished for death when nothing else would seem to end the pain. She came to me sweetly with sound surrender and love. With only one word to say... "No."

There was a man inside me, a manipulated man that no one understood, not even himself. But he wasn't born that way. At first he was a boy, a manipulated boy, one that no one understood, not even himself.