gayNwyo

She stared me down hard, from across the bar. She didn't think I could feel her devious eyes devising a plan. A plan to be a private small town pirate paparazzi, sending a photo to a callous, curious ex of mine.  She couldn't just mind her business, no, she had to find fun outside her own table, where she sat suspended with her husband, the new Mayor of Worland Wyoming. Little did she know that I could read her thoughts, under all the music, chaos and freshly brewed hops. The Mayor's Wife had been unfaithful, with a man named Cole, once upon a business trip not so long ago. One question remained. Did the Mayor know??

"It seems to me that there is a sad, wounded boy inside you. One who once had a truth to speak, but that truth was silenced by a paternal sadist of some kind, in a patriarchal universe that didn't want you to express your true feelings..." "How could you possibly see that in me, we've only just begun our sessions??" "I've got this super human, super hero bullshit detector built in to my psyche, and I can see all the pain and lies behind your eyes, Ryan. You can't fool me." "Damn, you're good!" "You see, when a child is wounded emotionally, they are subconsciously taught from an early age that they must become something other than who they are, to deny their true feelings in order to please and attract others." "You've hit the bullseye there, mister!" "Then we punish ourselves for telling the truth, and reward ourselves with the idea that lies are better. In order to be truly loved, and to truly lov...

If you are no longer yourself, You were never you. If it is now a lie, Then it was never true. If you were right just once, You've failed perfection. If you held back your tears, You've overcome rejection. If you threw the first punch, You caused the fight. If you slept before dawn, Then you missed the night. If you hate to dress up, You will never be formal. But if you just be yourself, You will always be normal. Rita Rosalita 

"Tell me about the dreams you had of me, all night?" "The first one was, I could smell you. I turned over and you weren't there. The second one was a full x rated one. I was deep inside you. Kissing you and I woke up super hard. So I had to take care of business. The last one, we were just cuddling and it felt so nice." "Well, let's make those dreams come true some night soon."

"There's this place I believe in, but no one else believes it exists." "Do you believe in it?" "Absolutely." "Then it exists, for it only needs you to believe in it for it to exist."

"Do you know how long it's been...?" He asked me with lust and longing buried deep in his hazel eyes. "No, sir. How long has it been?" "Seven years. You have no idea how much I need this..." He confessed. "My, that is a long time. You just tell me what you need and I'll be that for you, right here and now..." "I don't even know where to begin, Ryan..." "Well, let's begin by getting naked, how about that...?" "That sounds perfect. You've put me at ease already. A true gentleman."

"So, Ryan, what's new??" "Not much..." "That smile on your face says otherwise. What's his name...?" "Tom." "Tom huh? I knew a Tom once, I called him Tom Ass..." "Well, I call my Tom Tom Cat, he's hot like that. He's my Tom. My Tom Cat!" "That's hot, Ryan, I love that!"

I'm home. Thank you for a wonderful day. You are a true gentleman and I like being around you. Big hugs! 🤗❤️❤️ I'm glad you're home. It was more than wonderful. You are a gentleman as well, a rare one. Big hugs, back! ❤️ 💙 💜  Thinking of you. Have a restful night and a wonderful tomorrow. Big hugs! 🤗❤️ I'll be thinking of you and will probably be hard all night. Sleep well. I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday if you wanna get together again. Big hugs! ❤️  Sounds good to me. Keep warm. It's very humid tonight, so the chill goes to the bones. 🥶❤️😘 I'm so warm after that amazing orgasm, no chill could get to me. The whole afternoon was orgasmic for me. Feeling your skin against mine. Your warm, sweet smile. Thank you! ☺️😘 No sir, thank you! 

Dear Ryan, Thank you for your letter. It was helpful to know how you really feel. I feel the same way for you, too, but right now I'm going through the greatest trial of my life, and I'm not so sure you're ready to see who I am today. I really do love you, though. Always remember that. Please write back if you want to.  Love Always & Forever, Rita Rosalita Bisbee

My Father touched me once, And I saw visions of blood.  Blood spilled generations before. Not by hand was the blood spilled, But by word.

"Do you remember, Ryan, when I told you that I touched my tarot cards and The Wanderer card struck me as the one for you? Well, turns out, The Wanderer wasn't you, it was him. He wandered away, far away from you. Now you're safe, safe from him and all the damage he intended to inflict upon you. Consider yourself blessed."

Do a no snow dance for me. It involves a drum and no clothes with a bell on your pride and joy. 🫤😉😏 send pics. Lol 😆  Yes sir!! I'll do some Angel Magick too. Just for you.  Nice, I like the angel halo toss. If you make a ringer, you win a BIG surprise.  How BIG??? That is the surprise. It fills your hands with warmth and be careful. If you squeeze too hard it spits at you. 😯 Sounds delicious!

When you find that tomorrow begins without me and I'm not there to see the sun rise in your eyes, I hope you realize my eyes are filled with tears for you. I wish I hadn't cried the way I did today, while thinking of all the things we didn't say. As much as I love you, I hope you realize how much I still love you. Every time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too. Yet when tomorrow begins without me, please understand, an angel came and took me by the hand and called my name. He told me my place was ready, far in heaven above, that I'd need to leave behind all those I dearly loved. I turned to walk away, and a tear fell from my eye, for the life I always thought, I didn't want to die. There was still so much living to do, it seemed impossible that I was leaving you. My mind remembered all the yesterdays, the bad and the good, the love we shared and the fun we had. I wanted to relive the yesterdays, just for a bit, to say goodbye, to kiss you and perhaps see...

Just getting in the shower. Made my smoothie and watered the potted plants. Imagine yourself getting in the shower with me.... can you tell I'm horny? 😏 I would totally shower with you! I'm getting in the shower, too. I've got an amazing shower. You should come see it sometime...??

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How are ya? Well I'm o-kay- Sorry it's taken me so long to write you. You're sending your letters to my old address, and it takes weeks for me to get them. So here's my new one: Rita Bisbee 1529 Draw Street Cody WY, 82414 About your dreams. Just tell me about them. I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. And Homecoming. I'll try to make it, but I can't promise. You might have to go for some of your "other opportunities." You see, I just started this new job, and I have to fill in all the missing shifts. So my schedule is not always a set thing, but I'll see what I can do, and then I'll get back with you. Well, it's SUPER late & I have TONS of homework begging for my attention. So, write me back & tell everyone I said "Hi!" I love you. Love Always. Rita Rosalita P.S. If you see Nathan, could you please give him my address. Thanx. Love you! Rita

My Dear Diane, There was a young, tender time under sweet summer skies where we would dance barefoot in the grass and engage in ancient dialogue. We'd gather around, all in a room and tighten our belts, we'd slow down and rest without guilt. We would act and lie without fear in a world of Shakespeare. We would stay and respond, expand, include, allow and forgive, and live in a safe world of make believe. We'd evolve, enjoy, inquire, discern, accept, admit, divulge, speak out and reach out. It was our utopia, our imaginary ideal, our nirvana, our ultimate. We'd open our arms and jump, propelled by our passions, amused and charmed by our differences. We'd be gentle and make space for every emotion. We would breathe and be charmed and amused by language. We would heal and be humbled, hold close and let go and know when to do which. And we all only knew of these things because of you. You'll never know how you changed my world, one Shakespearian Summer at a time. Yo...

I hope you realize that I would have created a perfect world of love. A world where you and I would have loved each other perfectly. But this wicked world got in the way and destroyed all that. But still, that perfect world is somewhere, somewhere waiting for us.

We never talked, Never talked about anything, About any thing that ever really mattered.  He and I, We never really talked, When talking really mattered. 

My days started like so many other LDS high school students at the time. Our mothers' would cheerily wake us up, then bang pots around in the kitchen to let us know they were cooking up breakfast. I attended morning Seminary before school where we would sit and discuss The Bible and The Book of Mormon. I vaguely remember most of those mornings. I had to be up at least three hours to commit anything to permanent memory. Then again, I choose to forget some things. I don't think I'll ever be a morning person as long as I live. Then we'd carpool our ways to the high school that was four blocks away. It's funny what you choose to remember and choose to forget.

Dear Ryan, Hey! How are you? I'm o-kay- But could really do without the pile of homework waiting for me in my book bag. College is a lot different than high school. I really hated the first week, but now that I know a ton of people it's starting to be fun.  Bod Coe came to talk with me on my last night of work and asked me if I would travel with him and the managers to Denver after Christmas to help them buy the new stock for next year. I was so excited. Anne came up to see me and asked me to help her with inventory this winter. Vicky hates me so bad. But I deserve all of this. I worked my butt off to move up. Also, I got you that 'Mountain Dude' shirt you wanted. I'll bring it with me when I come up for Homecoming. Also, Beth is coming with me to Homecoming in Riverton. She needs a date for the dance, so please find one. You don't have to if you don't want to, but please do. Well, I don't know what more to say. Tell everyone I said hi! Love Always, Rita

"I don't think he had any idea of what it did to me, to leave him the way I did, how it crippled me in ways I couldn't imagine. I had to go on and act as if it wasn't killing me to go on without him. It ate me up inside, and there was a battle within me every single day to keep myself together. He didn't know how I had to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, how I tried to fit them back together, all the while knowing they'd never fit back the same way again. It may have seemed like nothing to him, but it was everything to me. My whole world fell to the depths of hell and I was powerless to stop it. Yet I kept it all hidden away, for I didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want him to see how terribly I was falling apart. The truth was, it affected me more than he could have ever imagined. You see, it's utterly impossible to unlove someone you once loved so deeply unless you never really loved them to begin with." 

"Hey you! I've just got to tell you some things. First of all, you were so incredibly delightful as the hero in the melodrama! Who knew a grocery store supervisor that I've crossed paths with dozens of times could be so talented?!" "Gosh, well, thank you so much for saying so! That means a lot, really..." "It's funny isn't it, you'd never guess by looking at someone who's simply out there doing their small, everyday, mundane job, that buried underneath all that, there could be so much hidden?! I sure hope I have the pleasure of seeing you perform again someday, you were something special...!" "I'm flattered, really, thank you! I hope I can perform for you again, someday, too." "And, one more thing... To that man in the back row, whoever he was, shame on him! He must have meant something to you once, but it's obvious you're so much better without him..."

"You're a kind soul, and I can see that in you. And do you know why?? Because you've lived in a world that hasn't been so kind to you. Some of the kindest human beings I know have been through so much sadness, usually at the hand of those who supposedly loved them. You are one of those beings. Yet you still love and care so deeply, despite all the sadness. It's rare that someone who has been hurt so much refuses to let the hardness of the world ruin their capacity to love. It's probably because you know that deep sadness and you know that others shouldn't feel that way either. That makes me take awe of you. Keep being kind, Ryan, even when others are not."

Dear Ryan, Hey honey! How've you been? I've been o-kay- I'm planning a trip to Riverton to see you on June 20th, let me know if that's o-kay- I sure hope so 'cause I've already taken the time off work. The 20th is a Friday, and I'll be able to stay through Sunday the 22nd. I have to go back to work at 8:00 am on the 23rd, so that's the longest I'll be able to stay, but I'll plan to make another trip in July. I'll need a place to stay for Friday & Saturday night. I'll be able to pay a little bit, but I'll need some prices to make sure I have enough cash. I'm bringing my brothers with me, but I'm dropping them off in Shoshoni at Ross's girlfriends house, and I'll pick them up on my way back to Cody. So let me know if all that is o-kay- 'cause it will probably be the only chance I get until sometime in July or August. Oh, guess what I did last weekend? Guess, Yep! I GRADUATED!!!! It's about time. too. I was go...

He'd finally found that place, That place he felt safe. That place was within himself,  That safe place within himself.

So counting naked men in my sleep did count! I had a hard on all night! No sheep needed! I hope you sleep well, Tom. Can we get together again soon, please?

Have a good nights sleep.  If it helps, please count sheep. That may not work, but who's to say. Counting naked men can keep you up till the next day.  Hugs 🤗  Sweet, sexy, clever and poetic. My kind of man. Goodnight Tom! 💋 

"Let's get this whole ugly thing over with...!" He exclaimed. "I agree. It's altogether too ugly of a world to live in anymore." So they pulled the triggers, both at the same time, both aimed at each other's hearts. And they were done with each other. Done with the broken hearts. Done with the world, the world that had broke their hearts, the world that had done them in. Dead and done at the same time.

As the fires rage and the smoke billows in my sweet home state of Wyoming, I look to my dream land of Asheville, North Carolina, which is now cut off, flooded with water.  Now to Florida, which will be devastated with more chaos and flooding.  Next there will be a great quake, one the likes of which we all have never seen before. A quake so large it will divide a nation, a nation already divided by political ignorance. A quake that will rise the once great prehistoric Salt Lake. Then, a dark winter that will test our faith in humanity. 

"You see Ryan, those with the largest holes in their hearts are the ones who possess the largest capacity to let the love light in, to love and to be loved. You can keep your broken heart. The broken heartedness breaks you down to your raw parts, where you've got nothing to hide, nowhere left to go with nothing left inside. There you can choose to become a wall or a wide open door."

Hey. How are you?? I've been better. I have ups and downs. Work is keeping me busy and I just finished a show. My blog is going well, soon it'll be a book. I met an older man the other day, seems we'll be good friends. I miss Riverton all the time, but my place is here now. Steven moved away, which is a huge relief.

Tender Tom took me out to lunch.  "My treat," he sweetly said as we ordered something to eat and took a seat. He spoke to me of many things. Things of beauty and love, things of this world and things of the other. Things of the past, things of the present. Things that mattered to him and things that mattered to me. He spoke of his dead sister and how she has never left him and how she still stays in the house where he lives. He laughed as he asked me about my chickens and how I didn't know what kind they were. We spoke of past loves and men in our lives and how tender and tragic true love could be. I made a special friend in tender Tom that afternoon. 

"He was only your worst critic, and critics don't really count. He was the man who singled you out because you stumbled once in awhile. He looked for your mistakes and ignored how much you had done right. He stood back and judged you, all the while finding no fault in his own actions. You were out there, in the arena with blood on your face, dying on stage, as he watched from the back row and was your harshest critic. You were brave, safe and protected, surrounded by love and friends. Who cares if one fool of a man was there to be a critical asshole? He was simply jealous, jealous that you went on despite his jeering and angry energy. Play on, Ryan, for there will always be critics. Some may say they love you, when secretly they hate you, and others may say they hate you, when in reality they deeply love you."

Dear Ryan, Hey there sexy! How've you been? I've been o-kay- kind of. A little depressed here and there, but I'll get through it. It's just that there's no one here I can talk to that understands. It sucks. Sometimes I just want to throw everything away, and run as far as I can, but my problems will just follow me.  I'm sorry, I should be talking about something happier. So how's life going for ya? Good I hope. I miss you so much and think about you ALL the time. I watched the video of our Homecoming dance my mother made. You looked so GOOD! Of course, you always do. So I don't know what more to say. Write me back soon! Please. I'm dying to hear from you! Love Always, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Rita Rosalita XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Sorry So Sloppy! I love you!!

He sat in the passengers seat of the car, his face pretending to be buried in his favorite novel, one he'd most likely read two dozen times. He preferred that I drive on road trips, as his hungry and overactive mind needed stimulation and distraction at the same time. "Are you really reading that book again?" I asked, knowing all too well that there was more going on in his mind than the consumption of words on the page of a book. "You know me too well, Ryan. I don't really feel like talking right now. I know you want to talk about how I'm feeling and why I've been so quiet and distant lately, but I don't want to." "Talking is important, Brian. We haven't done enough of it lately and I'm beginning to think you aren't talking because you aren't happy with us anymore." "I don't know what I am. I don't know what I'm feeling. Any time I feel anything at all, I can't figure out what the feeling is. It...

Dear Ryan, Hey hon! How've you been? I've been ok. So, what do you think of my art? Wild. Sorry I haven't written in such a long time. I've been so busy. I'm putting in a lot of overtime at work. It sucks, but I need the cash. I've also been dancing quite a bit. I have a guy partner now. His name is Dustin. He's pretty cool. We haven't got into any of the really difficult stunts yet, but there's progress every day. The dance class I'm teaching is doing well, also. It's growing so fast. If too many people keep coming in I'm going to have to charge them! I'm also performing my music a bit. Here and there I find people who want to hear something new and relaxing. It's good for me to have an audience. Anyway, not much else is happening. I get my new hearing aids in a week and a half. So I might be able to hear. (Yeah right!) We'll see. I miss you lots & hope to "hear" from you soon! I love you! Love Always, Rita Rosa...

Dear Ryan, Your letters always bring me much joy. They're so full of passion. I know what you mean by falling in love all over again. I feel it, too.  If you want to know what you did to catch my eye, I'll tell you. You talked to me, and listened to me. You didn't see me as just an object you could show off to your friends. I've always been treated like a possession, but you were different. You showed me I was human. Not just something on display. I realized my feelings counted the same as anyone else's. That feels so good to finally know. You cared for and loved me more than any guy who's been in my life. I am in love with your smile, your touch, and the way you can always brighten my day, whether you're right beside me or 200 miles away. You put words together like an art. You always know the right things to say. You've touched my heart in a way no one else has. Your love is something I consider valuable, and not to be taken for granted. Even though we...

I looked him in the eyes one last time, knowing this would be the final time. "Why are you looking at me like that? Are you expecting me to say something...?" If he couldn't see how I felt by the look in my eyes, then it was obvious there was nothing more to say or do. So I walked away forever, never to look in his eyes again.

The way he spoke to me changed me. In the dance of delicate interactions, he forgot that the small and simple words impacted me. He spoke to me with insensitivity, disregard and callousness. He left invisible scars that altered the very fabric of my being. He never once acknowledged this or the pain he caused. His words were impure, and I'll never forget them. His words were tainted with selfishness and indifference. They only erected walls in my heart that divided us. He played with my emotions and I stored that away in my emotional bank. I'll forgive him, but I'll never forget how he made me feel. The echo of those words will linger. In the end, it was how he spoke to me that defined and ultimately ended our relationship. 

"It worked, Ryan. The Angel Magick you've been so dedicated to. You found the man, lost the man, exposed the man and then destroyed him. Now you'll have your reward. It's funny isn't it, that after all the words and the drama and the heartache, the story teller in you invented a world of love and chaos. You wrote your way into a tragedy, but in the end it was a comedy. All a joke. No one ever said all those words about him, but he thought they did. No one ever thought of him that way, but he thought they did. Then he packed up his life and left town. Now, tell me, who was the coward in the end??"

As a male witch,  Which knows his worth. I know that I'm worth so much more, So much more than this.

With the flick of his wrist he silenced the radio on an endless road trip to Vegas, done so with contempt and spite.  I simply asked for some silence to sleep. With the flick of his wrist he demanded a plate for some soon to be crisp and chewy Christmas porkchops. I couldn't hop up soon enough to bring him that plate. In that moment I felt so much hate. The next morning I woke to more words of hate.  "Merry Fucking Christmas..."

There were so many love bombs in the beginning. So many words, gifts, adoration and affection. He couldn't give enough and I couldn't get enough.  Until he had me where he wanted me, and then the shirts shifted. The love bombs weren't there anymore.  The love bombs were traps set from the beginning to get me where he wanted me, under his thumb, in his control. And when I attempted my great escape, the bombs of anger and accusations exploded. Under all the unassuming love bombs were explosions of anger and hate.

It's the feelings that hurt most, the ones that sting, those are the most ridiculous.  When you long for the things that are impossible, simply because they are impossible.  The longing for things that never were, for what could have been. The regrets of not being good enough for someone else. When you're dissatisfied with the world, it creates a painful landscape of reality, an endless sunset of what we are, or what we could have been.

I found you last night, in my dreams. You were doing what you love, so happy that you were glowing from inside. You were at peace. I was looking in on you as you were living your sweetest moments. I was there with you, but I was not. Breathing the same air, sitting with you, seeing your eyes glow with wonder, sinking into the reality of just being with you. I didn't want to wake from that place with you. God gave me a gift last night, a precious place in my dream, with you. A precious place with you, one more time. It hit me when I woke, yet I blinked and you were still there.