Warm Green Grass

Dear Ryan,

Don't worry, this is not a pathetic attempt to win you back. I'm writing because I need to get some things cleared up. I figure this is the best way, since we can't seem to talk very easily to one another. Please understand that I don't want that.

I'd like for us to be friends and have civilized conversation. To be able to talk about anything that is in our brain at that moment. I realize that that won't happen for awhile. I hope it's not too late or too long.

I'm really sorry about yesterday, and some of the things I said. There was no excuse for it, and please don't say, "I expect it!" or "I'm used to it now."

Just a simple "apology accepted" or "you're forgiven" will suffice. Try to understand how hard it is for me! Every single day I see you. There's not a single thing wrong with that. What is wrong is, one day you were in my arms, I in yours, and then the next day it wasn't allowed anymore. Remember, it was you and me for a whole year. After one night that year had no significance whatsoever. The next day, it was all gone. No looks, no touch, no words.

Now we barely speak to each other. You don't even look at me anymore. Are you ashamed to look at me? Do you think you are better than me? Or is it because you are ashamed of yourself and you simply can't look me in the eye anymore?

Whatever the reason, get rid of it! Let it go. I don't want us to alienate ourselves from each other. We were friends once, we can be friends again. Maybe not right now, but some day in the near future. Just know that, right now, it is hard for me. I have to keep a tight reign on my emotions, so that I don't get carried away by them. You, of all people, should know how difficult that is for me.

Look, hate me if you want, just let me know in advance. If you are not going to hate me then treat me as either your friend or an equal. No more, no less. I couldn't handle enemies, and it seems that's exactly what we are right now. We need to get beyond that and be something else. Because I can't stand it anymore.

We also need to get something straight! How we broke up. I've been answering that, it is because you were given the opportunity to have a second chance with Rita. I encouraged it, hard as that was, and you took it.

Now, when we broke up, that was my understanding of the whole situation and how it occurred. What I have been hearing from others is completely different. So far I have heard two different versions, from two different people.

One was the drugs and alcohol. Two was the infamous Tom episode at the Valentine's dance. I'll give you some more reasons: I didn't ring in the New Year with you like we did on our first date.

We fought too much. I'm a bad driver. I smoked, you got hooked. I'm too lazy. We were having sex too much. We weren't having enough sex. I talked too much. I didn't talk enough. I'm too old for you. You are too young for me. We spent too much time together. I didn't try hard enough to make it work. I could keep going...

I'm not trying to be a turd. I just need to know what the reason is, that I should tell people. Because now as I'm thinking about it, it is really none of their damn business. You and I, both, should be telling anyone who wants to know, that it is none of their business.

Why are you telling different versions to people? Is it because you don't want to be looking like the bad guy, when Rita is the main reason in the first place? Do you have to tear me down in other people's eyes in order to make yourself feel better? Whatever I do in my own personal life is no ones business unless I want it to be. You have no right to tell people about the things I do. Please stop, I'd appreciate it. Thank you!

Whatever the reason behind all this confusion you've caused, please just stop. Tell them that it is none of their business, or that it just didn't work out.

I know I have a drug and alcohol problem. I'm learning to cope everyday with the fact that you might still be here with me if I'd kicked them out of my life completely. I have a lot of regret where that is concerned, as I'm sure you do too. I'm trying to get better, to make right whatever is wrong with me. I've lost my sense of self, I lost it a long time ago. I'm just too tired to try to look anymore. I just don't care about the "whatever it is that went wrong with me" part of life. I just want to lay down in the warm green grass, breath in the fresh air, look up at the blue sky and say thank you God, so very much, for the simple pleasures in life.

To me that is what is important in life. Whether or not you are content with your life and all that surrounds you. To wake up in the morning and hear the birds chirping outside, feel the wind on your face and smell the magnificent scents it is carrying with it. To see all of the lush mysteries and magical life around you. That God created for you. I think that as long as we are free and happy in our spirit, we'll be giving God the biggest gift of all, the joy.

The drugs and alcohol I tried to clean up, on several occasions. Yet you couldn't just stop either. You told my mom that you knew I wouldn't be able to stop them either. You have such wonderful faith in me. If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. I know what is going to happen though, that's all that matters. I would appreciate it if you would keep this part of my life to yourself from now on. It is none of anyone's business and I prefer to keep it that way.

As for the Tom thing. Whatever, I wasn't hanging all over him. Maybe I didn't handle things better than I have, but I did do my best. It's all under the bridge now anyway. 

I will regret every wrong thing I've done in and to our relationship. From beginning to the bittersweet end. I understand every reason for why we are apart now. Our relationship needed a team effort. Both of us working together to make what we had between us strong and beautiful.

I realized yesterday or the day before, that we didn't really have very much of that. We wanted and expected too much from one another. We weren't ready for each other. Maybe someday we will be, probably not though. Which ever it is, just know that I had the happiest, warmest, most interestingly wonderful time with you. Thank you so much for showing me what I could have had. I will always cherish those memories. I will always love you Ryan. Never forget that. Don't ever forget me, or what we shared together. Please, keep the memories we share close to your heart. Never let them go either.

I will love you forever,

Victoria  

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