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On The Other Side

Dear Ryan,


Hi! I hope you are doing ok?! It's hard not to being able to talk to you, I didn't realize how much I text you until I couldn't do it anymore. I do message you on Facebook sometimes. You can read them, or I can erase them for you. It's just my way of being able to talk to you. I wish I knew how you were doing!

I spoke with Mary a little today and she says that you seem to be doing well. She mentioned that you like to spend your free time alone and I expected that, it's how you are. I do hope that you are able to make friends there though! The people seemed nice when we were there. Anyone in particular that you get along with? How is your room mate? Is he the same one we met?

I miss you, mostly when I'm alone at work or late at night. I hope you do not always resent me for encouraging this. I did it because I love you and I was concerned. I hope it is helping you, not just with the substances, but with the depression and anxiety too. I also hope that with the counselors and the therapists that you are able to accept and love yourself, and realize that I and your family love and accept you too.

You mentioned frequently how your sexuality made it hard for you to be near me. I hope that maybe we will be able to get past that. I love you, gay, straight or bisexual, that will never change. I hope that when you return we will be able to work things out and be happy together. I want to be with you. On the other side, I want you to be healthy and happy. 

I have wondered as I sit and think about us in the past week, if I am good for you or if I just make things worse. I don't want to tie you down again or make you depressed. So, if you decide you are better without me, I will understand. That is definitely a fear I have with you being gone for so long, that you will realize you like not having me around. I have so many fears and uncertainties constantly on my mind. But I want you to be happy and I would do almost anything for you if I knew it would make you happy.

Anyway, the kids are doing well. They miss you too, but we stay busy and that helps. I have them make art for you when they're bored and we started a "Daddy Box." That is where we put all our cool treasures and things that we want to keep for Daddy. Noah was so sweet and made the comparison of the Daniel Tiger's episode when the owl is sick and can't come to a recital or something. So his friends all make him cards so that he doesn't feel left out. Such a sweet and thoughtful boy. Sissy asks for you a fair amount, but is ok when I explain that you aren't home right now. Really, we stay pretty busy so they don't dwell on it. You are definitely missed though.

Sandi has asked about you, I told her where you were, I hope that's ok. She says she would love a call or a letter. She is pretty concerned that you haven't been responding to her and wanted to make sure that you are ok. I figured she is someone you would tell anyway. 

Well, I've killed two pens just in this letter. I should probably stop writing, but I feel closer to you when I do, so I have a hard time stopping. This is when I miss you the most, the kids are sleeping and my motivation to do my ever growing list is shot. I just get depressed and want to sleep it all away. 

Well, I hope you are good. I love you!

Katie

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