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Showing posts from December, 2025

Unknown Friends

 "I feel so alone Doctor Dorothy. Even when I'm in the company of the most lovely people. I have a tendency to isolate when I feel overwhelmed. After all that's happened to me I feel safer that way. Often I must remind myself that I am not what has happened to me, I am who I am choosing to become. Do you understand?" "Yes Ryan, I do. No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you. Have you found that to be true?" "Yes, of course I have."

Cute Little Bottom

"He sat there upon his cute little bottom, thinking to himself how perfectly cute his little life was. Clicking on all the other cute little life's he thought were little but cute, but we're just like him, only more little, less bottom and more cute..."

Underthings

He showed up at my door, his pants and shoes packed with snow. He asked to be kept within my home as it was freezing outside.  My warm heart invited him in. Where he stripped himself of all his cold and wet clothes. Coat, shirt, pants, socks and all underthings.  Until he lay bare upon my bed, wanting to be warmed by me. Never did I ever see a cold boy needing to warmed by anyone but me. And so I warmed him so, all night long.

Fairytale

"You must miss him, some days, right? Part of you must still care for him. A little piece of your heart must, Ryan. Am I right?" "I can't say for sure anymore. I feel I don't miss him. I miss the fairytale I wrote about him, but I don't miss him. I suppose I miss the version of him my heart invented. But surely, I do not miss him..."

I'm Somebody

If it would help to know that somebody cares... I'm somebody. RyRy, I know something is bugging you. I just wanted to let you know I love you and I care. You're my best friend in Da Hole World! Love you 4-Ever Love,          Sandi  

HOME

Heading to bed. I love you. I hope the kids got home ok. ❤️❤️❤️ They are home safe. I cried. I wished I was home with them. I wish I was home with you. I love you. Goodnight. ❤️ 💙 💜  You are a good father and a wonderful lover. XOXO ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 

One Last Wave

Ryan I don't want to say goodbye I don't want to see you leave I don't want to see you drive away With one last wave I want to beg you to stay But I know you're not happy With your life this way... You're going to get a fresh start Where no one knows your broken heart A tear stained pillow is what greets me when I'm home When I realize I'm all alone Because my best friend went away Never again will I find a friend like you You gave me hope that dreams come true Reach for mine is what you always told me to do To smile away my tears And don't let people see my fears So many memories I treasure of you And everything we have been through I never thought I'd be without you But a phone call away is all you'll be When I need the comforting words you always say You have helped me look at life in a brighter way I love you and wish you could stay... And I'll miss you every day You're my best friend Please never forget me I Love You Ryan! By Sandi S...

Sum You Up

 Even after all the words and all the ink and all the blank pages painted black with the adjectives of you, one thing is abundantly clear as I continue to bleed out on all these pages. Nothing I write will ever be enough to sum you up.

Just A Man

 I'm home. Thanks for another wonderful time, my sweet Tom Cat! I love you! You are the one to be thanked. Thank you for being in my life. Without you I'm just a man who wishes to love a good man. How lucky I am. I love you so much.

Naughty Boy

"Golly, I must have been a good boy this year. I'm getting everything I want for Christmas this year. Two weekends off in a row, days on end with my kids... A shopping spree with a sweet man who may as well be Santa in disguise... Sweet sexy man! I'm truly spoiled this holiday season. And if Santa really did exist, he would surely know that I've been a truly naughty boy this year and deserve absolutely none of this... But, shhhh, it'll be our little secret..."

With Extra Pickles

just think, once we were strangers... ... now we're just strange friends. RyRy, I just wanted to tell you that I love you AND that you are the bestest FRIEND in Da-Whole World. And you make me smile when I'm sad. But you make me glad that I met someone like you, cause then my life would be blue if I never met you and I'm really happy that I can be a nut and you will be with me. We're mixed nuts. I love you long time with extra pickles. Ruff,          Sandi A true friend sticks by you. Remember I'll always be there.  

Dreams & Wants

"I think there is a gentleman that is going to be a little older tomorrow... I can't remember his exact age... He seems to be ageless in my eyes and heart..." "I wonder who that could be??" "I will do a little investigation and get back to you. I think he works at a market that sells dreams and wants. Something to fill the void in one's stomach and help it through the journey out to only be repeated again and again..." "You know how to melt my heart, mister..." "I've heard he has a huge... heart... the eyes of a puppy and a smile that brings you into him, wanting to be surrounded by his arms and hugged so tight his love passes through to you..." "Yeah, I think I know the guy..."

A Beautiful Thing

 "I've suffered so much in my life, Doctor Dorothy. I should have broken a thousand times over. What I've been through should have ended me. I may not seem like I'm damaged, or look like it on the outside, but I've got deep scars on my soul. Some may never heal. How I remain strong is a mystery to me." "Oh, Ryan. You should understand by now that out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars. Everyone wants to skip the struggle not knowing that that's where character is built. Consider yourself lucky, for I can see that your character has been created by trauma. Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain. You may not think that a beautiful thing, but believe me, from where I sit it's a beautiful thing indeed."

Window of Tolerance

"This holiday season was a roller-coaster, Doctor Dorothy. It was filled with so many conflicting emotions, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. I felt as if I was walking a tight rope, always on the edge of riding heart-felt laughter or falling into tears of extreme sadness remembering holidays that had passed before. I couldn't seem to find a stable middle ground of feeling alright. Does this make sense?" "Of course it does Ryan. The holiday season is often a time that holds a variety of emotions for many people. It sounds to me like you were searching for your window of tolerance during a time when one isn't often found..." "I'm sorry, Doctor Dorothy. A window of tolerance... Can you explain what that is, please??" "The window of tolerance is a psychological concept describing the optimal zone of emotional and physiological arousal in which a person can function most effectively. Within this window individuals can think ...

Cold of Night

If I knew then what I know now, I never would have opened the door of my life to you. You said you needed my warmth, my light and my love. You bled me dry of all my love, my light, my warmth. Then you wondered why I left you in the cold of night, never to return. 

A Loving Heart

  You've been blessed with a loving heart. Works of love are always works of joy. The same loving hands that created the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars, created your wonderfully loving heart and the beautiful person you are. Your birthday isn't just about celebrating the day you were born. It's also about remembering all the joyful ways you share His light and love with everyone around you - especially me. Have a Blessed Birthday We love you! ~ Mom & DAD!

Amen

Dear God, Please bless my son with good health, strength, and protection in every step he takes. Guide him toward success, fill his heart with peace, and surround him with love and kindness. May his life be full of happiness, hope and courage to overcome every challenge. Keep him safe from harm, let his dreams flourish and let him always feel Your presence and love guiding him through every moment. A Loving Father Amen

Dildo Baggins

"Ryan, I've decided after seeing your collection of toys and other such pleasure devices that you keep stashed away in your dirty duffle bag that I must now give you a naughty nickname to go along with it..." "And what might that be, I wonder...??" "How about something Lord of the Ringsish... like Dildo Baggins?" "Yes, I love that!!" "Yes, sir, your new naughty nickname shall be Master Dildo Baggins!!"

Lost In The Dark

  Ryan, Please call me tomorrow. I need to talk to you. I need to know what happened. I'm lost in the dark. I was just talking to Anna and something happened. Please tell me, I'm in the dark!! Love            Sandi I have tomorrow off and Anna wants me and you to call her! She needs to tell us something! If you want we can go tomorrow! To see her!

Diaper Videos

"He messaged me late one night, saying he was curious and lonely. He had been married again, to a woman. Even though I knew better. We'd been together a few years before. He had this thing, where he'd send me videos of himself in diapers. Erect. He got off that way..."

Christmas Curses

He drug the bare Christmas tree down his narrow staircase by the trunk and let it rest on the cream colored carpet he had just freshly cleaned.  He cursed several times as he reluctantly welcomed the tree into his space. For you see, he hadn't had the true spirit of Christmas in his home for years.  He'd become a ghost of the man he once knew, a man who once loved Christmas with his whole heart. Now a man who found the season to be filled with bittersweet holiday memories. Memories that left tiny holes in his heart, spaces where loved ones used to be, now only there as he cared to pull them out like strings of memories.  He stood the tree up in the cramped corner beside the couch, framed by the window behind it. It was a beautiful tree, one that held hope that perhaps it would be dressed with ornaments long lost and buried, in a box somewhere yet to be found. Tucked away like his memories were. He found the box, dusted the top off and began to dig around. And there he fou...

Toothless Chipmunk

It's your 1/2 way to 50 Birthday and I'm thinking about you -- Because friends don't desert friends in a CRISIS!!!! Oh no, you are getting so old I just don't know what to do. Just think, when you are the big 50 I will only be 45, my. But that's ok, I will love you still, even when you are bald and a fat old man that farts all the time. And I'll be farting along with you, laughing like a toothless chipmunk. But I wanted to say I love you, always will and happy birthday. Happy 1/2 way to 50th Birthday Hope it's a great one. Love you long time, extra pickles XOXOXO Love me hug me tell me that you love me Love,          SANDI

Tree of Temptation

He was tempting, like the tree with the forbidden fruit. He stood before me, solid, silent and still. I could feel the heat emanating off his smooth, bare body. I shivered as I stepped towards him, wishing to be swallowed in his arms. I stood before the tree with eyes wide open, fully conscious of the ruin it would surely bring upon me.

ANXIETY

"Doctor Dorothy, my anxiety has been out of control lately. It's insane. Every step I take feels like a risk, every corner I turn feels like a turn towards chaos. I feel like everyone is out to get me and that sooner or later the last shoe will drop and my whole tiny little world will come crashing down. I know it's all in my head, but it feels so real. You must have some words of comfort or advice for me..." "Yes, Ryan, of course. Anxiety is just your psyche trying to avoid the fear you are feeling. Like a child who is trembling alone in your adult body. An adult lost in the stories of your own heightened mind. Your mission is to silence the child within and to sit beside him. Sit with yourself, remember who you are. Take what hurt that little child and sit with it long enough for it to become soft. That's how healing your soul works. Don't waste anything, let it be transformed..."

Safe With Me

 "Ryan, I will be truthful with you and you must be truthful with me, and we shall find ourselves in the knowing. People think that intimacy is about sex, but intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them and their response is 'you’re safe with me', that’s intimacy..." "I feel safe with you, Tom..."

Voluptuous Love Pickle!

  RYRY!  Happy Holidays Hello my honey bunches of oats My voluptuous love pickle! I miss you so much. I wish I could be with you, but I know how it goes. I love you and hope to get to see you soon. Well love you long time and forever. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Hug me love me,                    Sandi Have a great Ho-Ho-Ho Day! Hope you was good so Santa finds you. XOXO

Buried Truth

 "He died just a few days ago, you know. You remember him, don't you? You went to school together and church, too. They say he died after a tragic fall while working. Do you think that's what really happened?" "Yes, of course I remember him, from school and church and other places... Believe it or not, we were naughty together once, on a dark cold night. We found some comfort and pleasure in each other, after drinking beer and smoking some weed. He said he wasn't out and that he didn't want anyone to know. He was raised in the church, like I was. He was married with children, but he knew he was into men. So we got naked and did the deed, with him on top of me, riding himself into a moaning orgasm and then exploding on my chest. He passed out after that, and I drove home in the rain. We talked about it a few years later, and he said he didn't remember that night. I think he lied, I think he remembered it, but he just didn't want to admit that it ha...

That Man

 As he buried himself into his blankets and bed for the night, he thought very deeply and loudly to himself, "How can I possibly be the man I need to be for all those who expect me to be me tomorrow, when I already gave so much of that man away today?"

Beautiful Boy

 He was beautiful, A beautiful boy, Soon to become, A beautiful man. A beautiful son, Brother, Friend, companion, Lover. Until he became all the sudden estranged, Mixed up and rearranged, And suddenly changed. Forever blamed and damned.  For one crime.  Being himself.  R.L.J.

500 Miles

"She does not get to take my children five hundred miles away from me and then tell me how to be a father. She's there, I am not. If I were there, things would be different. But I am not..."

Harsh Reality

"I thought and believed that he could and would meet me where I was. Lost and longing, lingering and wanting. He found me at my lowest and I believed he was there to save me. And I believed he believed he would. But impossible beliefs believe impossible things and harsh realities step in and quickly chase away possibilities..."

Jerry McUseless

"Ryan, will you please look after the milk when I leave for the night. Lord knows Jerry isn't going to work it. What does that man do around here? Other than talk shit and stand entirely too close to younger girls. He's a creepy pervert who doesn't pull his own weight around here. He walks out of here with things all the time. Have you ever seen him do any actual grocery shopping? No. He won't work a register and he bullies the only male cashier we have here and Brandon does nothing about it. Every other supervisor is worth their while here, but not him. He needs to retire or die. He needs to change his last name to McUseless. Yeah, Jerry does everything but his job McUseless. Yes, Mister Jerry McUseless..."

Chicken Liver Pate

"Do you like my homemade pate Ryan? It's made with chicken livers, brandy, garlic and cream cheese." "To be honest, I really don't care for it..." "Why not, what's wrong with it?! I love it. I thought you'd love it, too." "Well, it's just not for me. It's like creamy cat food whipped into a disastrous surrender. It made me sick to my tummy..." "Well, that's the last time I make pate for you!"

My Third Ex Wife

"So last night I went out and had drinks with my third ex wife and her new boyfriend. She was charming and captivating as usual. Displaying all the qualities that made me fall in love with her in the first place. I found her new man equally captivating and even more charming. The way he would look at me when he knew she wasn't looking was disarming and arousing. He reminded me of someone I'd probably met in another life or somewhere long forgotten. He'd lick his lips and smirk, as if imagining my genitals were once where his had most recently been. Never awkward, he was raw and honest, making me feel things a man had not for quite some time. I do wonder if she had found another man like me, only she hadn't gotten around to figuring it out yet. Yet, I would not be the man to tell her..."

I'm Not Broken

"Ryan. I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time about things. This is probably a conversation I should have approached fifteen to twenty years ago. But you know me, I'm always late with things that weigh on my heart." "Yes. What would you like to talk about?" "What happened to you? What made you want to be with men? Was it something that happened to you when you were younger? Was it me? I know I was a soft mother. Was it your dad, was he too distant? What was it? I need to know..." "Oh my..." "I know. It's a lot, but please tell me." "Nothing happened to me. I was given more than enough love in my childhood. I was rather spoiled as I think back and remember. I was never without anything I needed. You were soft, yes, but only because you love so deeply. Dad cannot help but be distant, that's just who he is, nothing can change that. I have that quality in me, too, when emotions run too high..." "Then...

Pocket Pills

He thought himself the luckiest of boys. He had scored himself a pocket full of pills. Pills of all types. Pink ones and blue ones, and ones with silly numbers on them. He was all about mixing them for mysterious effects. He was careless and sloppy, broken hearted and reckless. Young and shattered. He cared little about what these pills might do to his fragile body and psyche. He only cared that the pills separated himself from all the torment he felt while left with his own raw thoughts and emotions. That night he threw back a hand full of colors and numbers, daring fate to take his life if it dared. And it almost did.  Mercy came in the middle of the cold winter night, in the form of a woman in white. Who whispered in his ear.  "It's not your time yet my dear..."

Inside Out

"What happened with you two? There seemed to be so much love between you two, so much hope. Two men obviously in love and obsessed with each other. What happened? Please tell me..." "Well, we lied. It wasn't love. Just two wounded hearts inside broken humans trying to become whole in each other's shadows. We wanted love, we wanted hope and we wanted each other. What happened was this... We ripped each other apart from the inside out. We saw each other as we were and we couldn't accept the reality of that. We both didn't love ourselves, so how could we possibly love each other...?"

Dirty Angels

"I always felt like an angel. Only an angel nobody wanted. I didn't like the idea of heaven, it was too perfect. Too much perfection for one who lived with scratches and on scraps. So I made noise and messed my hands. I said the wrong words to the right people and the right people left me. I kicked them down, with a push and a shove. And there they were, mud on their hearts, naked, broken. Yet still able to looked at me as if the fall was the only real choice. Angels who didn't care to prove themselves. Angels shining in the dirt with dignity and nothing left to lose. Then I realized that we are all angels, fallen, trying to make our way back to the heaven we had forgotten..."

📦 BOXES 📦

There once was a story.  About little people who lived in boxes. Boxes of walls and spaces.  They looked into boxes and thought inside boxes and boxed their thoughts and feelings and things into boxes.  They'd boxed themselves in, Wondering why there were so many walls around everything they did. They loved their boxes.  They lived inside them, And they'd die inside them, Too. Trapped inside boxes of things, Thoughts and feelings, And themselves.  Boxed in. R.L.J.

Happy Ending

And then he realized why he'd been chased and cornered into the darkest chapter of his life. It was so he could tell it his way, chasten himself out and write himself into the happy ending he knew he always deserved. 

Cream Pies

"Hey Ryan... I came up with a holiday jingle for you. Blue eyes, green eyes, we all love cream pies..." "How clever and holiday appropriate... I do love a good cream pie!!"

Menopause Lane

 "I must be losing my hearing, I'm gonna need a hearing aid soon..." "Why do you say that?" "They've been playing all these new Christmas songs over the speakers in the store, and they played one just now..." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. And the whole time I thought the lady vocalist was saying, 'menopause lane'." "No, Jerry. It's 'Santa Clause Lane'."

Selfish Claws

"All these ladies, with their long fingers and carefully crafted fingernails. They all wear them the same. Only to disguise their true intentions. They are all just selfish claws, crafted and waiting to claw and craft male fools to their own wills..."